Food That Boggles the Mind

Described as: “This Raspberry & Coconut cake is like a Victoria sponge, with a twist...A delicious, simple celebration cake!”

Ooh these have a glaze! (Note: you will have to heat up coconut oil, individually dip, & cool each “donut hole” at least 3 times to get the attractive glaze shown here.)  

This recipe for vegan pancakes and vegan ice cream is perfectly fine...

Oooh a strawberry milkshake cheesecake! I can’t wait to enjoy the delicious taste of fresh strawberries and cream!

Ooh, a peanut butter pie!

Oh wait.

Oh no. 

It’s “healthy,” “gluten-free,” “grain-free,” “raw vegan,” and “keto-friendly.”

It’s a bacon and egg slider that’s keto! How great! Wait a second...Is that bun...

Easy! No bake! Healthy! Donuts!

How is this miracle achieved, you might ask?

Well they’re apple slices. Apple slices you put sprinkles on.

Basically, grind up some boiled beets, add in some hibiscus tea and oat cream, and pour that into a crust made out of the inevitable nuts&seeds&coconut oil combo. Don’t worry about adding sugar or anything to this dessert, since: “There is enough sweetness coming from the beets, vanilla, cinnamon and the cream and not necessary to be adding much more.“

“Fudge that tastes just like bubblegum” is only enticing if you’ve never had fudge and never had bubblegum. The concept is terrible, but the execution--it’s made with marshmallow creme?! white chocolate!? bubblegum flavor?!? Please no.

I have no issue with the recipe itself, aside from the green food coloring. But that addition is dire: look at the picture of this cake and tell me it doesn’t look like pus leaking down mold. 

Create a pie crust out of mayonnaise-y potato salad, then fill that pie crust with more mayonnaise! It’s a win-win! 

The focus of this post is on the “revelation” that you can make cream horns with premade puff pastry, which is no revelation to anyone on the planet. What caught my eye was the filling recipe. Instead of just whipping cream and sugar together, “Housewife Barbie” suggests combining crisco, marshmallow creme, butter, and powdered sugar. This will create the stiffest, stickiest “cream” filling imaginable...

I will not dye my innocent hardboiled eggs lurid colors, you monsters. 

The recipe maker advertises this as a vegan, oil-free cinnamon roll in a mug, but immediately runs into problems. 

1)you oil the mug so I dunno that this is really “oil free” 

2)the dough recipe is literally just flour and water, microwaved. To absolutely no one’s surprise, if you microwave flour and water for 45 seconds, you are not left with a cinnamon roll, you are left with basically raw tasting flour.

3)Best of all, apparently enough people had problems with this recipe that there’s a whole long screed in the very recipe about how people need to lower their expectations and not be so unreasonable as to expect a real cinnamon roll out of this recipe.

The recipe list for this “healthy peanut butter fudge” is like a rogue’s gallery of terrible choices. 

Psyllium husk powder!

Erythritol! 

Butter flavor extract!

Low fat cottage cheese!

And at last, peanut flour!

If someone tried to feed me this I would eat them.

Red velvet fudge that’s “sugar free, low carb, keto, raw, and vegan.” How?! You might ask. Well you roast a bunch of beets (HOW IS THIS RAW) and then smash it up with some nuts and oil. Just like red velvet fudge, in the sense that it’s reddish!