hiatus.

He takes the glass – and, if he catches Kaylar’s hand curling around his own long enough for Cassian to grasp it ( or longer ), he makes no mention of it. Merely taking a small sip of it before finding the couch in the center of the living room to lowering himself down onto – a sigh of relief from taking his weight off of his spine.

He observes Kay for a moment when he speaks – taking in the way that he worded how he felt about his presence, even after so long of being away from one another. And, Cassian sighs, free hand smoothing over the back of his neck before he’s speaking, “ – don’t get me wrong, Kaylar, I … enjoy being around you as well. But, I just … maybe don’t understand how you seem to be okay with this.”

    Oh -- he has nothing to hide from Cassian, does he? There’s just no point in concealing how he feels -- or what he feels. It’s a childish game to dance around the idea of love, and once upon a time, he had. He didn’t know how to be in love ( or, even, how to make friends ). And Cassian had always been so patient with him. So unbearably kind and quiet and understanding. Someone who knew how to center Kaylar just by being near him -- and never expecting anything from him other than their shared presence.

    “I think being in love means...loving the entire person. It means loving another -- loving you -- during the best and worst times of their lives.”

    He shrugs, ducking his face down to hide it in his glass.

This blog will be inactive/permanent hiatus, aside from my threads with @lastfulcrum. I don’t have time to run this blog when I primarily rp over at @messiahrisen. When I’m on break from school, I’m going to be adding Kaylar/K-2SO onto a multimuse so that I can keep writing him.

   His lips thin just a little, to try and rid himself of the phantom feeling of Kay’s lips on his own that STILL LINGERED. He tried not to think too hard on it, not to think too long on it – because, he knew that if he did, there would be no going back. And KAYLAR DESERVED BETTER than what Cassian could give him.     He chuckles a little when the other offers him a drink and then backtracks, “Water would be fine - yes,” he agrees with the hint of a tired, weary smile.

    He nods quickly, inhaling steadily to calm the trembling in his hands -- he’s not anxious. Not really. Like a young boy all over again, he feels his heart hammering in his chest at his first, real love -- his first real crush, first real everything that he had before. He fills Cassian’s glass and hands it to him, his free hand gently curling around the other’s to press the glass gently into his palm.

“Is it protocol for you to have this much attitude?”  It was difficult for him to suppress a snigger when the droid settled into the chair. He knew it was technically possible for them to sit, but he’d never actually seen it happen before. They’d always been standing in the background, menacing but eminently polite. “I thought all the KX factories were controlled by the empire, so how the hell did you get out this far?”

“Well are we talking whole life story, street where I was born and all that jazz?” He’d spent approximately the last hour lounging in the corner of the cell, fiddling with one of the many pockets sewn onto his fatigues. It’s contents had been taken along with everything else he’d had on him when he’d been delivered to the base, but that hadn’t stopped him from snapping the clasp back and forth out of sheer boredom.  “Or like ship assignments, commanding officers, all the stuff you could see in my records?”

    “I was reprogrammed by Captain Cassian Andor and made into his personal android. I have no memories of my service to the Empire.” He knows he was once an Imperial droid, of course -- his memory databanks simply do not contain the information. All of his memories are by the captain’s side, serving the Alliance through serving him.

  Cassian lets out a small sigh as the other speaks – Cassian knew this already, likely. Even if this was the first Kaylar mentioned it, moments prior he had been inside of his head, just as Kay had been in his. They had felt each other’s desires, Cassian had even used Kaylar’s desire to be a pilot to pull him back from the Rabbit that had threatened to drag him under and keep him for itself. He’s chewing on the inside of his cheek for a long moment before he’s returning his gaze to the other man.

  “There is no harm in it,” Cassian agrees after a long moment of silence – of mulling over Kay’s words, and his own response. “I just need you to understand that we want this to not be permeant. We want an end to this – to this war with the Kaiju. I just need you to understand that one day this is going to end, even if you enjoy the feeling of being in a Jaeger. I’ve been there – I know how it feels, I know the high of it – and, I will admit – between you and me – I missed it. But I understand that this all comes to an end. Either with death, or victory.” And, after being in Cassian’s head, Kaylar should understand as well. Or, so Cassian hoped.     “Do you understand?”

    “I do,” he assures him. Kaylar inhales slowly, ducking his head for a beat as he stares at his feet in thought. “For this to come to an end...for nobody else to meet the same fate as your father and my mother...that would surely be a blessing.” But the high -- it’s nearly addicting. For the first time, Kaylar feels alive. He feels different, he feels -- he feels connected. Not just with the world around him, but with Cassian too. It’s a strange, albeit fulfilling feeling that he can’t quite put into words.

    “I don’t want anybody else to get hurt because of the Kaiju. They must be stopped. And until then...” He trails off with a quiet release of breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Until then, I will continue to enjoy the work that I do. As long as I can do it with you.”

   He feels the positive emotions that begin to waft off of the other – raising his brows for a fleeting moment as he pulls his gaze upwards to meet Kaylar’s. Of course, every drift partner was different ; and he was discovering this on a personal level. The connection between drift partners was different – because this was no longer his father in the equation ; and Kaylar being in it completely changed the solution. It was different, but STILL GOOD. Still a strong tether.

   He’s chuckling softly under his breath when the other says that feelings are usually not so pleasant ; as Cassian was inclined to agree. Once his father and himself had grown accustomed to the ebb and flow of each others’ consciousness, they had become aware of how similar their manner of thinking was ; both Andor men preferring to not wear their emotions on their sleeve. To instead prefer to grow cynical and jaded as opposed to sympathetic and empathic.    Kaylar was different – his brain waves were different, but somehow ; his and Kaylar’s still managed to work in a harmony. “- it has,” Cassian replies after a long moment of silence, a mute nod of agreement following it. “I am… sorry about the way that I reacted in the kwoon – I was afraid. I can admit that now because you already know.”

    “All is forgiven, Cassian. You don’t have to worry about me.” He offers a soft smile as he leans back in his chair opposite Cassian. Content to study him ( others have told him the way he seems to study other people comes across as mildly off-putting, but he’d worry about that later -- ) before speaking after a moment’s pause.

    “I was afraid, too -- afraid and exhilarated that I was being offered an opportunity to connect with somebody. I had dreamed and dreamed of piloting a jaegar...and the idea of being close to somebody just seemed like a deep longing dredged up to the surface for me.” His face flushes, momentarily embarrassed by the confession; but it isn’t like there are any secrets he can really hide from Cassian anyway. Not if their mission was to be repeated in the future -- and now, when the worst of their own vulnerabilities had already been laid open for the other to see.

  He is merely rolling his eyes mutely at Kaylar when he insists that he’s not terrible – a hand coming to his elbow to help him balance, for both the fact that he truly didn’t want Kaylar falling on his face – and for the appearances of it all.    “Go clean yourself up –” he agrees, moving his hand to rest it against the other man’s lower back as he meet’s Kaylar eyes for a moment. “I will meet yo back at the bar – but no more drinks for you, dear – we do not want another accident.” It would, perhaps, be easier anyway to try and get what he needed out of this man alone – whereas Kay, as well intentioned as he was, was still massively untrained for things such as this and he didn’t want to put him in unnecessary danger. “I’ll take care of this–” His words obviously had a double meaning that perhaps only Kay would understand; but that was what he meant them for, and he did not want to tip the man off – at least until they were alone.

    For reasons unbeknownst to Kaylar, this proves to be hilarious. He laughs, covering his mouth with the back of his hand as he gives Cassian a cheeky grin, hurrying off to the bathroom much more happily than he, perhaps, intends to. Whatever he had ordered -- and he hardly remembers now -- had been much stronger than he had really wanted. And he had drank it to quickly. And he had hardly eaten that day. 

    At the very least, he comes across as being far more convincing than he had initially intended. 

    “I’m going -- “ he assures him with a small wave, his own heart racing -- he had done it. And he hadn’t made a fool of himself in any way he hadn’t wanted to.

    But even so, Kaylar winces once he’s out of view, hurrying to the fresher to splash water over his face that feels strangely numb now. He’s having more fun than being shut up in the engineering lab all day. He had worried very nearly for nothing -- though he’s still aware their lives are easily still at stake. And that he’s still wondering how he’s pulling this off -- wondering if it’s entirely the alcohol, or if he really is better at this than he had given himself credit for.

    He wills himself to stand up right, staring himself in the mirror as a small, easy smile crosses his features -- met with a very sudden, very adamant desire to make Cassian proud of him ( or, as proud as somebody like Cassian could ever be of a defector like Kaylar -- ). To do the mission right. Mission be dammed -- he just wanted to hear from the other that he, at least, is doing a good job.

   He feels breathless as Kaylar pulls away – once more keeping his eyes shut for a lingering moment as if he was afraid that opening them would create a wave of problems. That opening them would mean having to face reality. And the reality was, they were both different people than they were when they were teenagers. IT HAD BEEN YEARS, but for Cassian it had felt like lifetimes for all that had transpired since the two had separated. Kaylar didn’t deserve him. And he wanted to try and remind himself of that before the pain that would be caused by him walking away was increased.     Before this went any further.

   Oh – but the way that Kay is looking at him, the way that KAY IS HOLDING TO HIM makes him think that he could believe – for just that moment – he was carved out of something more precious than gold or silver. That he was something irreplaceable, instead of a broken solider set up on the shelf to gather dust.     And it makes him think that he does not have the strength to walk away when he knows that he should. Especially as his lips catch into a small smile when Kaylar talks and he releases a low breath, “It is getting late,” he reminds him, the sounds of crickets the ambiance in the parking lot, with the occasional sound of a passing car. “But I would like to catch up.” 

    “Yes -- it is,” he agrees quietly. “I have...my internship tomorrow and -- and work on top of that, but...you can stay for as long as you’d like.” Stay forever, he thinks hysterically, still caught up in the haze from their kiss. Whatever he is feeling, he knows it’s pure adrenaline, pure puppy love that could come with certain complications later on. He would not let his over-eager heart ruin something potentially beautiful with Cassian.

    Potentially, being the key word.

   His gaze falls down onto his own hands again for a long moment – huffing out a soft laugh when the other speaks, “Some of our best pilots only begun because they just wanted to pilot a Jaeger. As long as the duty is there somewhere – as long as there is a drive to help, I do not think there is anything wrong with wanting it so badly.”

   His expression then changes back once more just as quickly, “ – … I … think that he is still there. I think … that I felt him. Either, I felt him, or – while in the drift – I stopped being so afraid of not feeling him.”

    There’s a soft measure of pride that falls within Kaylar’s chest -- pride for a friend he’s scarcely come to know. If they can truly call themselves that; friends. They had seen one another’s deepest fears, their worst memories and deeply buried insecurities. Perhaps that does warrant friendship, Kaylar thinks. Whether or not they ever intended for their particular compatibility to ever fall into that sort of rhythm. 

   Cassian is sighing at Kay’s words, joining his hands in his lap and dropping his eyes drop down for a long moment. “I could feel the hurt that you felt over losing your mother, just as well as you could feel the hurt over my father. Just as well as you are probably still feeling inklings of it now,” he tells him softly, toying with his thumb for a moment before bringing his gaze back up to Kaylar.

     “When my mother passed – it was peaceful. It was … painful for everyone else involved, but she did not suffer. Not like my father did, and not like your mother did. I … – one of the reasons that I did not want to drift again was the very reason you can still feel bits and pieces of it. … parts of my father is still there. And I was … afraid, of losing all that was left of him by drifting with someone else. Of letting someone else into that headspace and pushing him out. I felt as if no one else belonged in the drift that he once occupied.”

   “Nobody will ever truly belong where your father stood,” he says quietly. “I will never be a replacement for him. But if he’s half the man you make him out to be, he would be happy that you are continuing to follow in his footsteps.” He offers Cassian a soft smile. “I try to hope that my mother would feel the same, though my intentions are often more selfish than not. I can at least admit that much.” And Kaylar rubs the back of his head as he speaks, breathing a soft sigh.

   He can’t help but roll his eyes slightly once more at the other man when he insisted that he didn’t worry enough. It seemed an inherited trait of the Andor men to not give enough sight to their own conditions ; but, Cassian also doesn’t believe that that could’ve saved his father. His father was already dying – whether or not his father acknowledged such wouldn’t have been able to save him. And it frustrated Cassian.   His expression does seem to lose most of its edge when Kay speaks again, letting out a low breath and leaning his weight forward onto his hands. “That happens – it will go away,” he promised, “The drift is a strange and difficult thing to come down from ; you were inside of my head, just like I was inside of yours. Different memories, an entirely different life that you are not familiar with. Little pieces of ourselves embedded into the other. It is normal.”

    Perhaps he’s right -- there is a part of him that feels the loss of Cassian’s father, intertwined with his own reeling lost of his mother, now dragged to the forefront of his mind after chasing the rabbit. It goes beyond just empathy -- there’s a certain understanding he cannot quite describe. It makes him feel sad. Sad for himself, and sad for Cassian, too.

    They had both been orphaned by the Kaiju.