Ryder Wilson

Well no but that’s different.  You’re not going to make anyone’s ears bleed by scribbling a little messily.  I listen to some classical, yes.  Classical and music from the 1920′s through to about the 60′s.  I can’t stand most of the junk our generation has put out, though, save for a few catchy songs.  One of yours actually made that list.  I’d love to learn how to play any type of classical song, quite honestly.  Gustav Holst is my favourite, though his songs are ridiculously complex.  You also can’t ever go wrong with Chopin or even Beethoven.  That sounds like a decent plan.  You may as well take advantage of not having any distractions and write more songs.  I would say that certainly counts, yes.  Well - yes, I suppose.  I’m not so much cheerleading for him as I am for you.  That and if he is a swine about it, then I’m going to be forced to break his arm and I really don’t want to get suspended again.  Give it a go, mate.  Otherwise you’ll be stuck in limbo, stressing about something forever that you have the power to take control of.  I’m going to veto that right as I’d much prefer to have a structured, well planned out agenda.  We’re - what?  I beg your pardon.

I feel like english ... well, most teachers would disagree. And anyone who has to read things doctors write. Then again that’s making their eyes bleed not their ears, but still, same concept. How do you feel about jazz? One?! I’m not sure if I should be insulted or flattered. Alright, I can work with those. Mmmm, no. No more suspensions for you. I like having you around too much. It’ll be okay. Well, tough on you. I don’t do structure. And this is exactly why. We’re going to write a song, instead. Shopping can wait. You talked about the third wave of feminism changing things so - let’s change things. Few things can get something talked about as globally as a catchy song, so let’s go. 

I um - I uh - okay.  This is the first time in a uh - a really long time that I’ve played so - I’m sorry if it sounds um - horrible at um - at first.  I’ll have to - take a moment to get back into the um - the swing of things.  Oh, really?  I - um -  think dogs are my favourite but um - hedgehogs are really cute.  I also like um - pigs and um - sheep but I think you’d have to um - live on a uh - a farm to have those as um - as pets.  I think - um - a cute stuffed animal would be a um - a monkey.  I think - honestly my um - my mind gets the um - the best of me.  Because the rhythm is um - okay!  I do um - some pretty complicated um - rhythms on the um - piano and stuff.  With both hands and um - one foot, so I think I just get a little um - a little uh - self conscious, you know?  Well - more than I um - normally uh - do.  That’s um - I think that’s um - pretty cool.  I think that’s a big part of why I um - I love them so much.  Some songs when you actually - you know, listen to the um - lyrics they are kind of - rude and stuff.  Or - they just don’t make any um - sense.  I um - I love you too, Ryder.  You should um - you should wear what you um - what you want.  I think that’s really - really brave.  Really brave.  Yeah, it um - it should.  Be all equal.  Yeah, of course!  I’m um - I’m always here if you um - if you ever need me.  I’m not the um - best at advice really but - I can always - try.  I’m glad that you’re um - my friend, too.  And that you want to um - hang out with me and um - stuff.  People aren’t usually very nice to me so it’s just - I uh - it’s - nice.

Don’t be sorry. I’m not here to judge you. Just enjoying playing alongside you. What kind of dog would you like one day? Somehow, I feel like you and Coral would do really well on a farm. Awh, Jer. I’m sure you had nothing to be self conscious over. We could take up percussion when this is all over if you ever wanna defeat that demon, but if not, that’s cool too. You’re so adorable. Thank you, I’m glad you were able to enjoy them despite not much liking lyrics in music. Rude sells, unfortunately. I kept hoping it’d be a trend that’d change, but it hasn’t. Oh, no. Don’t make me blush! It’s not um...it’s not very brave. You’re the best. Sometimes the best advice isn’t saying anything at all, and just being there to support someone. So I wouldn’t stress too hard about it. As long as you’re with us - I think that time of your life is over, Jer. Everyone here loves you and supports you and you won’t ever be without that again, ok? We got your back. 

Yeah, that’s what my mind went to.  If I wasn’t crazy as shit before I’d probably think about claiming temporary insanity.  I don’t like salads or well, any type of veggies really, I highly doubt I’d be able to survive off of flowers and shit.  Oh come on, it was a compliment!  Everything’s fan-fucking-tastic in Luna land, as always.  I actually really like the sound of Luna land.  Can we make that a theme park or something?  It’s not like - I don’t know, there’s nothing to talk about baby.  Actually - remember when you said to like, woo someone and be romantic and shit?  If I was going to do that, hypothetically of course, what should I do?  Hey, that works for me.  I can even beatbox, want to hear?

Oh, well - they say insanity is more fun? At least you’re embracing it? What’s wrong with vegetables? They’re delicious! And at least flowers are pretty. It’s possible they’d be sweeter than veggies at any rate. A compliment that he’s the perfect choice for eating?! Luna-land amusement park, complete with raves, sharks, and mermaids? Depends on the person you’re trying to woo - for instance, wooing you would involve the aforementioned things. Can you tell me more about the someone you want to impress? I mean, people always appreciate nice things - so favorite meals, favorite movies, things that bring them happiness. Well, yes, of course. I’d love to hear you beat box. 

I know, I know. And I love Harris, I do, but…I’m still sorry. I wish this didn’t have to be temporary. It bothers me too, you know that? I don’t like it anymore than you do. You’re home, Ry. Being away from you is never what I want. Nothing will ever change that. Oh. Oh. Baby, no. Don’t. Never hate anything about yourself, please. I mean, easier said than done, I know, but…God, I hate that you’ve ever felt that way. No one said this was going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. That’s what makes it worth it, right? Getting through the hard shit and coming out on the other side stronger for it? Okay, yeah. I - That makes sense. And, I mean, you don’t have to dive in all at once, right? It’s okay to kind of wade into this slowly? Baby steps and all that. Wait. Whoa. What? Cut my losses? I know this is a huge thing and by no means an easy thing for you to say, but complicated and messy or not, I love you. I have loved you for far too long to “cut my losses” and just run away. I want to do this with you. Just like we’ve done everything else since you and I met. I don’t promise to do it perfectly or to always understand everything, but I want to at least try. Oh. Well. Okay then. That…I’ll take that, yeah. I’m kind of head over heels for you too, just, y’know, to clarify if I hadn’t already. Hey, we can figure that all out, okay? I’ve never done this either, love. Never even really thought about it, so…we’ll never know until we try, yeah? You’re not gonna do this without me. I would never let you do this alone. Just, tell me what you need and want and I will do my best to not be a royal prick about it, yeah? And don’t bottle it in if I say or do something wrong or the makes you feel unsafe, a’right? I want this to be as easy for you as it can be. Worry about you first and worry about me second, got it? Okay, yeah. She’s your new guard, so…yeah. Makes sense. I’m so, so glad she’s been there for you. Remind me to lay off her a bit, will you? I think I may owe her now. Think I could get in on some of that research? Awh. He’s a good lad. You don’t have to. Not right away. I never want you to have to hide any part of you, but I get it. And if you do decide to tell everyone I will personally pummel anyone who says anything remotely negative towards you. Old guard habits die hard. Whatever you want and need is okay with me. We’ll figure it out. Oh, Ry.  Can I - Is it okay if I hug you now? Because I feel a cuddle coming on. And it’s okay to be scared. But I’m here and I’m not going anywhere in the near future, so just…It’ll be okay.

I know. It’s why I don’t bring it up. You’re scared and dreading it too and it doesn’t do us any good to dwell. We’ve got more hard shit than most couples see in 50 years. It’s hard not to get frustrated with myself for making it harder. Rationally, yeah, sure. Baby steps. But how long have you known me? My equivalent of a baby step is like...belly flopping. Yeah? Really? I love you too. I - that’s really all I can ask of you. To be here and try. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. I’ll be honest about what works and what doesn’t and that. Yeah, lay off Vic a bit. She’s rooting for you, secretly, but I didn’t tell you that. Of course you would. I didn’t doubt for a second you wouldn’t have my back. Yeah, yeah, c’mere. I need cuddles. Okay. You’re here. And you’re staying. And we’re going to find a way to make this work for us. Okay. That’s - ha. I’m almost afraid to wrap my head around that. Best case scenario. Yay. Excuse my face. It’s raining, but I promise it’s a happy, relieved, giddy rain. I just...wow. Okay. I said it outloud and the world didn’t end. I don’t um. Can we - god, I don’t even know what to do with myself right now. I just wanna be with you for awhile. Can we do that? Missed you. 

Really?  I always assumed voice lessons were for those who have natural talent.  To be better able to use that talent, and to make it stronger and whatnot.  Interesting.  A keyboard sounds just fine, mate.  You’re right, it’s probably a good starting point.  Especially for someone who has never tried before in their life.  Somehow that doesn’t surprise me at all.  I’m hardly a bandstand kind of girl.  I suppose that’s true.  How about you, then?  Are you going to try to learn a new skill, or exercise the ones you already have?  Of course we can, you’ll just have to wait while I run it by Agent Klein.  No, I suppose that’s true.  You’re going to have to be a lot more positive than that, mate.  Go into everything look at the chance as a 50/50.  I really don’t think you’re giving him enough credit.  Never tell him I said that.  Besides, if he decides he isn’t comfortable with it, you deserve to be with someone who will support you, and who will not make you feel ashamed for it.  So stop dwelling, and go for it.  It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind that it needs to happen, and you’re not going to stop stressing over it until you do.  Alright, shopping, nails, piano - is there anything else you’d like to add to the agenda for today?  Then assurances I can do.  Whatever you feel Ryder - it’s perfectly okay.  I’m hoping that the third wave of feminism will help to break down these ridiculous gender norms and standards we have.  I will not.

And only people with a natural talent for writing should learn how to exercise the hand muscles? Psh. I don’t subscribe to that philosophy. You listen to a lot of classic music though, right? Do you have any favorites? I could try to find things for you to start to learn how to play that you at least enjoy listening to over and over and over again. There aren’t very many instruments I haven’t tried so I think I’m just going to um... work on some songs. Something may came of it, something might not, but I think I’d like to have my version of a diary capturing this all the same, you know? I think the whole um, figuring out my gender fluidity thing counts as my learning new things while on the run quota, right? Well I figured there’s three options- Keaton snaps before I ever talk to him, he snaps before I talk to him, or he sticks around and is willing to try things out for awhile. Hence 66/33. I got shit to back my numbers up, whoooo. He wouldn’t believe how much you’re cheerleading for him even if I did tell him. You’re safe. I suppose that’s true. If there’s uh, anyone out there that’s that tolerant and patient. Alright, alright, alright. I’ll talk to him. I don’t know. I reserve the right to adjust our schedule as needed. Wouldn’t that be lovely. Hey........I got an idea. You and I are going to write a song. 

I’ll um - yeah!  I don’t know if I’ll be any good but I may as well um - try.  I’ll um - I can take the um - the keyboard!  It looks like you’ve got the um - the guitar under control.  Actually - yeah that’s probably um - that’s probably true.  Having a pet might just - cause more trouble than um - fix things.  Oh!  Stuffed animals are actually - that’s a um - a good idea!  And that way, everybody could um - pick out which animal they want if they - um, you know, didn’t want a dog or a cat or um - anything.  It’d just be um - be nice to have um - something of our own.  I’m um - I’m glad you’re around.  Well - I um - I wish you weren’t in this whole um - this whole mess, but I’m glad that you’re - around.  Jeepers, I know.  Percussionists are so um - so talented.  I’ll um - percussion is probably my um - my weakest musical point.  They always tried to get me to um - to work on that at school.  That’s okay um - everyone has their um - favourites and least favourites.  I think that’s the um - really cool thing about - music.  It’ll um - everyone will take it in a different um - a different way.  Oh jeepers - yeah, of course!  I’ll um - really want you there.  If it um - if I ever finish it.  I um - like, wear dresses and um - stuff?  I don’t think that would bother me at um - at all.  It’s just - it’s just clothes, right?  I never really understood why um - girls can wear pants but um - boys can’t wear - skirts if they um - want to wear them.  You don’t have to um - you don’t have to talk about it if you um - if you don’t want to but I am - always here if you um - if you do.  Want to talk about it.

Jer, I’m not sure there’s an instrument we could put at your fingertips that you wouldn’t be good at. Just sit down and put your fingers on the keys, mate. Play whatever makes your heart happy and I’ll jump in. If I don’t know, I’ll make shit up. No pressure. For now, yeah. I do totally want puppies and kittens eventually one day though. Maybe some birds too. Or like, a hedgehog. I’m glad I’m here with you too. I’ll add stuffed animals to the list. What would be your favorite? Yeah? What’s ... what gives you trouble? Is it the coordination between hands and feet and each hand and foot doing something else? Seems to be that’s what trips up most people. Yeah, that’s what I loved too. I tried to write my songs to be gender neutral and easily relatable no matter what your walk of life was, so anybody could access them and make them their own, you know? I guess that....that’s sorta already the package with classical music, but you know what I mean. I’ll be there. And you’ll finish. I’ll support you until you do and well after, just like you will support me in not letting my music career end with the last release I put out. Right? I love you a lot, puppy uno. I agree it’s just fabric worn in a different cut but it’s more a symbol of socialized perception so I guess I just ... wanted to ask. Thank you. Right? Everything should be equal on both sides of the board. For all things. Haircuts, the right to shave or not shave, the fabrics we chose to adorn or not adorn our bodies with, among a million other things. Don’t get me started. Nawh, I’m... let’s just play for awhile. But thank you, really. I know you consider yourself a fan, but I’m just...I’m really happy that I get to call you friend, and know that you’re on my side, you know? 

Yeah. Doin’ better than I thought I’d be. Ooooh! Yay cuddles. ‘Course, mate. Good! I’d be hurt if ya did. Not sure there’s much to talk about, honestly. Just…the usual. Scared, worried, stressed. What about you? How’re you doing with everything?

Good. Sounds like lots of things to talk about there. Whatcha wanna tackle first? Scared, worried, or stressed? Just TC things or other things? I’m okay. I’ve gotten Jer into the studio! So that’s exciting. And by studio I mean the little room with the keyboard and cheap guitar but whatever. Music. If anything comes of it, I’ll let you know, but uh, if you ever want to jam too you’re more than welcome to. 

Oh, Ry. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.  I wish I could - I don’t know. I wish I could do something to make this all easier. Hey, no. I can deal with whatever. I’m not a stranger to my world being flipped upside down, you know. I don’t, but you’re scaring me right now. Like a shit ton. Okay, okay. Just take your time, alright? I’ll listen for as long as you need to talk. G - genderfluid? Okay. Okay, yeah. I mean, it makes sense, I guess. I just…Ry, you don’t need to be sorry about it. If that’s who you are and how you feel that’s…I can’t and absolutely will not tell you that’s wrong. I don’t - I mean you’ll have to explain to me how it all works and what makes you comfortable because I don’t - I just…I’m at a bit of a loss, you know? Does it - does it change the way you feel about me? Like, when you have those girl days? Sorry. I don’t want to make this about me. I don’t even know what to ask, really. Just…how does this change things, I guess? And what do you need from me? Does anyone else know?

It’s okay. It’s your job. There’s nothing you can do about it and I don’t ... I’m glad you’re looking out for Harris, honestly. I just wish us all being in the same house wasn’t temporary. We all know its not gonna last forever and I...I don’t know. It bothers me, sometimes. Rationally, I know it’s not wrong. That it’s just as inevitable and ingrained as my sexuality is and we all know how fluid that is so I ... I guess I more just hate that it’s ... I just hate it. I don’t want to make things more complicated. Or harder on us. I... that’s exactly it though, kitten. I don’t know. I never dated anyone long enough for it to ever be an issue before. I’ve barely ever talked about it - and more importantly than that - I've only just allowed myself to put a toe in the pool. I don’t have the faintest clue of what will or won’t work for me and for us - but I wanted to tell you. And give you the option to cut your losses now or ask if you want to ... want to try. With me. I think it’ll take a lot of trial and error to find ways that benefit me, us, and you, but I believe we could. If you wanted to. No. What? No. Of course not. Why would - Keaton, there’s not a moment that goes by regardless of my gender, that I’m not hopelessly head over heels ridiculously in love with you. Why would it? Everything that draws me to you is the same. The question is ... will my fluctuations drive you batty, would being a guy in girl’s clothes turn you off, would having to take on different roles because of me ultimately lead to resentment, I don’t know. Would it weird you out to call me she instead of he, would it be confusing and wrong to use a different name on those days, I don’t - I just - I just want you to be my side. Hopefully as my boyfriend, but I’m willing to take best friend again if that’s what you need. I just don’t wanna do this without you. Uh. Vic knows. It just sort of ... came out. We were talking about gender and things and I sort of hypothetically said something and it all unraveled from there. She’s um, she’s a big reason why I’m...why I’ve got the words to try and explain it now. She uh, said there’s been studies and that it’s - it’s not just me. I also asked Jer if um, hypothetically he’d be ok with guys wearing more traditionally feminine things. I... I don’t know how far I want or need to take this. If it’s enough that just you know and that it’s something we do for an hour or so locked in our bedroom or if it’s - ....something that’ll affect everyone here and if they’ll be okay with it and if it’s going to be a forever thing and if that’s okay with you and I ... I’m really scared, Keaton. 

I’m sure they probably can - I don’t know much about all that techy stuff.  I don’t see the harm in it though, I get we need to be careful but it’s stupid to expect us to not live.  Is Lord of the Flies where everyone goes crazy on a deserted island and then they all eat each other?  I wonder who we’d eat first.  Someone muscley, but like, not grossly muscley because then it may taste too gamey.  Maybe Kalen.  He’s got the perfect amount of muscle.  Okay let’s not bring science into this.  Ah shit, I’m sorry baby.  Maybe it’s one of those it’s got to get worse before it gets better kind of things?  I’m doing pretty good, yeah.  Yeah, I’m sleeping good.

Same. I just know the basics. Yeah, me neither. Exactly! Yes, yes it is. ...that’s what your mind went to? Nobody! We are not cannibals! I’d go all vegan with Coral. She’d help us find flowers to eat. You’re not allowed to eat Kale. I’m sorry. I need him. Could be. Really? All’s peachy in Luna land? Somehow I find that a little too peachy perfect but it’s alright if you don’t wanna talk about it. Let’s see what our limited google search engine has in ways of learning how to create house music, yeah?

Hey, that’s pretty cool.  I feel like I shouldn’t probably be saying that outside contact is a bad idea but - fuck it’s been so long since any of us have even seen the outside of this house.  Maybe talking to some old friends would do you some good?  Nah, it’s cool, I’ll figure it out.  I’m pretty crap at a lot of things, so that just means I have to be good at this, right?  Ah, shit.  Things still haven’t gotten any better?  I’m sorry baby.  Do you want to talk about it?

Well, can they really track emails? It’s not like I’m asking them to meet. Just to send me some music files and programs and that. Keeping us from going all Lord of the Flies in here is probably in the agency’s best interest. Maybe. I haven’t talked to anyone in that world in so long. I have no idea what’s going on. Law of probability says you’re bound to be ace at something ‘cause you’re not so ace at other things. So yes. Uh, no. They’ve gotten worse. But no, not yet. We’ll see how things go later today. How about you? How are you doing? Sleeping getting any easier?

You um - you never make me uncomfortable, Ryder.  Really.  Okay I uh - okay!  I could definitely um - try to play!  If you want someone to um - to play with.  I um - yeah.  I don’t even - really want to - complain or anything but I’d - I mean - I just feel - we’re so - isolated.  And it’s kind of - I guess I can’t really um - talk because I rarely leave the um - the pillow fort but - I know that - um - some people get a little - um - stir crazy.  Maybe we should - adopt a um - house pet or um - something.  Puppies are um - supposed to make - people happy - right?  Strings are my um - favourite.  I quite like the um - the sounds of brass and um - wind instruments um - too.  I love the flute and the um - the trumpet.  Very different um - sounds of course but - all together I um - I love it.  I want to compose a um - an entire symphony one um - one day.  Oh!  I’m um - oh!  I’m so - sorry.  Do you need to - um - do you want to - talk about um - anything?  I’m always - I’m not the best at um - advice but I do - like listening.  Yeah!  We’re um - we’re good, I think.  I’m glad that she hasn’t um - gotten um - sick of me yet.

Good, I would never want to. Yeah? You’re finally going to play with me? Don’t pull my leg. That would literally be the best thing I’ve heard all week. What do you want to play? Guitar or keyboard or ... I don’t know. Pot and spoon? I wouldn’t even care. Again, that’s not complaining. It’s true. We’re entirely cut off from the world and that’s more difficult on some than others. It’s sweet that you notice. A house pet? I feel like that would lead to a house-wide bribery situation where everyone tries to get said cat/dog/whatever into their snuggles and bed the most often. Maybe stuffed animals for everyone. Puppies do make people happy, which is why it’s awesome you and Harris are around. I’m with you there. I prefer strings over most other things, but I do love percussion as well. It’s fascinating to me how changing the size or the material can cause such a huge range of sound. Brass is my least favorite. I’ll own up to it. There’s just something very ... sharp about them. I am waiting anxiously for that day. I expect tickets to the opening show, you know this, right? I wanna be right there to experience it in all its premiere glory. I appreciate you willing to listen. I ... I don’t know. It’s a hard thing to talk about. I’ve known Keaton for most of my life and I’m just now getting up the courage to talk to him about it. Would it um, bother you if I ... dressed differently? Like, well, more like a girl sometimes. You are impossible to grow tired or sick of, cutie pie. I can promise you that much. 

Can you learn singing, though?  That’s either a talent that you have or you don’t.  I quite enjoy singing.  I wouldn’t mind being able to play the piano, I think it’s a gorgeous instrument with a beautiful sound.  I’ve always quite admired those with musical ability.  I mean, not the one hit wonders of our generation who lip sync and produce the same type of boring, same beat pop we’ve been hearing for the last fifteen years, but the ones with true musical talent and ability.  I quite miss the sound of the fifties, if I’m being particularly honest.  I’d quite love to learn ballet as well.  I suppose there are many things I’d love to have learned, but never quite saw it as conducive or complimentary to my training.  You don’t need to give me money, Ryder, but you are more than welcome to come with me.  I really wouldn’t mind getting out of the house, too.  First things first, you need to stop talking down to yourself about it mate, that’s not going to help anything.  Second, you won’t know until you talk to him about it.  Don’t push yourself if you’re not ready, but if you are - then it’s a conversation you two need to have.  If you apologize one more time, Wilson … I’m going to take that as a compliment.  If it takes me reassuring you every day that you have nothing to be ashamed of, then I suppose that’s what I’m going to have to do.  Yes, yes, alright, but only so you’ll stop nagging me about it.

Yeah, for the most part. There are genuinely tone deaf people but even they can improve with the correct instruction and practice. Yeah? You’re more than welcome to come jam with me or me and Jer whenever you want. Well, then. Piano it is. I only have a keyboard at the moment, but that’s probably less intimidating for you to start with. I usually find something I like in everything. Even recycled pop. Huh. I wouldn’t have pegged you as a bandstand kinda girl, but I can see it now. Well the beauty of being under house arrest then. You no longer have you limit yourself to only productive to your training learning. Pick up piano, take up ballet, expand your horizons while keeping me and Harrison from going completely stir-crazy. Win-win. Sweet. Can we go now? I don’t know if that’s a conversation you are ever really for. I just know if I flinch away from him again, it’s going to shatter us and I don’t want that. So I’ll suck it up and spit it out and we’ll see what happens. 66% chance I lose him and 33% chance he’ll be willing to find a way to make it work. So, there’s that. If we can’t go shopping can I paint your nails and then I’ll explain the piano? Or maybe we should do piano first. So you don’t mess it up. ....I might need those reassurances. Nobody’s ever really said, hey this is okay, before. So thank you. You’ll become a hugger eventually. Just watch. 

Trying to learn to play an instrument would be out of my comfort zone, I suppose.  That’s one thing I’ve never tried.  The wee one has me doing yoga occasionally, that helps to break up the monotony, if only slightly.  You don’t need to give any money to the agency, mate. I’m sure we can arrange for that.  If not I’ll simply go into town myself, I’m sure we must be running low on other things that could warrant a trip into town.  It’s not going to be easy, but whatever the outcome, I can assure you that you’ll feel better after you have an open dialogue about it.  You really don’t need to feel ashamed about anything, and I hope one day you’ll realize that.  I tend to give Keaton a bit of a hard time, but I’m going to do something I don’t normally do and give him the benefit of the doubt.  How many hugs are you going to try to squeeze out of me before I start refusing?

Well it happens to be very much in mine. Would you care to learn piano or guitar? Or singing? Or something else? I have a passing knowledge in most things and if not, I could probably figure it out pretty quickly. Oh, well there you go. Maybe the other tiny one could have you doing ballet soon too, just to really make your week crazy. Okay, thank you. If you need money, I’ll ...well could I go with? You might um.... there’s several different types and Jer isn’t what you’d call an amateur. Maybe. Unless he doesn’t fancy dating someone who can’t decide who they are and switch it around randomly. I mean he’s fucked girls before but how do I know he’s willing to be in love with one in mind but not in body? It’s just - how do you not be ashamed of that? No, forget it. I’m sorry. You ... that’s big coming from you. Thank you. All of them until you realize that refusing hugs is never going to happen. They help. I promise.

Hey, hey! Whoa. Since when was losing me something we were afraid of?! Ryder, I didn’t run when were kids and I’m not going to run now. My love is not conditional, you know that right? I don’t - I mean, I obviously haven’t got a damn clue as to what you’re going through, but no matter what it is I’m not going to throw away years of friendship and feelings away that quickly. Do you really think so little of me? That I’d bolt just ‘cause things got hard or messy? Babe, we’ve been living nothing but hard and messy for a while now and you’re one of the only things that keeps me grounded. Don’t - No. You can’t say shit like that, Ry! Please don’t think like that. Please? 

Since you left me to become someone else’s guard, honestly. I keep waiting for you to be sent away again. I’m always afraid of losing you. Especially with all the crazy shit that follows us around lately. But that’s not ... everyone has limits, kitten. Even you. I hope not. I really really hope not. No. It’s not - I. I know you don’t scare easy and that for most things, I’d believe beyond a shadow of a doubt you’d never leave me. But this? This is ... I’m not certain about this. Let me just...let me just spit it out. And we can see where we are after that, okay? You know I play with gender things. It’s not...it’s not really a social statement like I said it was. I think I’m genderfluid. No. I know I’m genderfluid, I’m just not ... I’m having a hard time accepting that. I didn’t know there was a word for it until a couple of weeks ago. It started when I was little and I was unable to classify myself properly. I didn’t understand why they were telling me I was a little boy when I was clearly a little girl. And then some days I was a little boy and that made total sense. I switch. I used to um, when I said I was hit by a muse and needed to go to my home studio? It was like really bad girl days where I couldn’t take being in my own skin anymore and I had ... things at home that I’d try and soothe myself with. Clothes and make up and that. I felt better if I was appearing as the gender I felt I was at the time. I haven’t gotten those breaks here. So I’ve gotten more and more uncomfortable and that’s why I’ve been - it just feels wrong sometimes. For you to look at me and touch me the way you do and I know what you’re seeing and it doesn’t match how I’m feeling and it’s just - it’s insane. I know. I’m so sorry. I tried to ignore it and I can’t. I’m sorry.