RealMicah

So:

He calls all the other doctors in the hospital 'worlds best ___ in this united states of america' even to his ex-wife who hates him. He separates himself from them in a way. Others himself because, they are the worlds best doctors, and he is just Dr. Jones.

He and his ex-wife both stay to work in the hospital that their son died. Dr. Addams also resents Dr. Jones, so like: Why? Who would wanna keep working there? (i alr made a post on Dr. Addams a while ago actually!)

It's because Dr. Jones doesn't know where else he could go. He has imposter syndrome about being a surgeon, he believes Dr. Addams when she says she killed their son. She isn't the only one who never worked through that grief. Me and someone on the discord, decided it would make the most sense if he was a brain surgeon based on what AJ said in the scene where they talk about his son. Which is a field that is so incredibly delicate. There is so much pressure, because any mistake you make, could ruin someone's life

The fact that he works there, hurts Dr. Addams but they both refuse to do anything about it. They haunt each other. They can't look each other in the eyes, afraid they will see their son there. Dr. Addams doesn't think he should still be a practising surgeon, let alone a doctor. That's why she is still on anger, she feels like he never got consequences for killing their son. They are both falling apart, and they are more than happy to blame Dr. Jones. She doesn't look into his eyes anymore, so she doesn't see how much he is falling apart inside. It just looks like he moved on. He never did.

There's a few options on what exactly happened, but to me it went like this:

Their son needed a brain surgery. Dr. Jones is a brilliant neurosurgeon who could do the surgery. The options are that

He never wanted to operate on his son, but there were no other surgeons able to perform the surgery. The surgery was an emergency, because something happened that made it impossible to schedule treatment, and Dr. Jones was the only doctor qualified to perform the surgery. Or:

He wanted to do the surgery, because he was terrified of what someone else would do. He knew he could do it, what if someone messed up? He had done that surgery before, he is the best surgeon qualified for this job, and he knows what he's doing right? He couldn't let any other doctor touch his son, because he was terrified of watching someone treat him.

Personally I go with 1. they had a scheduled surgery, because their son had a brain aneurysm that was causing him to get headaches. If you schedule a removal it's a safe procedure. But the aneurysm burst and they needed to do it NOW. There was no time to get someone else, Dr. Jones had to do it. He had to cut open his son's brain and fix him. This emergency surgery is a lot more risky, and has a higher likelihood of bad side effects and death. Well then guess what happened?

So now, both Dr. Jones and his ex-wife, Dr. Addams, blame him for what happened. They get a divorce, and he doesn't fight her on anything. He lets her take whatever she wants, because he wouldn't deserve it. She gets the house, the money. The only thing she can't bring herself to take is a bank account they set up for their son. They put money into it every month and set it up so that they would get a pretty good interest rate on it. It's the kind of account that you can't touch until a certain time. They set it up so that when their son turns 18, he would get all the money. But now he is dead, and neither of them want it. They can't bring themselves to touch it, and because Dr. Addams didn't want it, now Dr. Jones is stuck with the access to it. He would never use any of it. That was his son's money. He keeps paying money into it, Dr. Addams does too. It's their way of remembering their son, because they obviously both feel so guilty.

I want to add: the reason the aneurysm burst, was because of stress. What stress? Seeing your parents fight all the time. They were so stressed and hurt, and they took it out on each other. Especially Dr. Addams. They fought about how to proceed and who should do it. Their son would hear them fight, through the door. He couldn't hear exactly what they said, but his takeaway was: "mom and dad are fighting and it's my fault".

When he was alone he would cry, because he thought his parents would get a divorce because of him. He was stupid and got sick, so now they didn't love each other anymore.

And in an awful way, he was right in the end.

Dr. Jones didn't have a place to stay now, and he couldn't rent an apartment. He couldn't spend money like that, when he didn't deserve it. He started sleeping in his car in the hospital parking lot between his shifts. Hidden away in a spot behind some trees. He couldn't do it. He couldn't get too far away from the hospital. The last place his son was ever in. He had to stay. He was pulled in like a moth to a flame. He wouldn't ask for help, he couldn't bring himself to. He would rather work himself to death to ask for help, because he wouldn't deserve it.

Eventually, Dr. Collins found him. Because of course, someone would at some point. He was the only doctor in that hospital that didn't take a side in the divorce. Nurse Wilkins was the only other one who didn't. (i can make a whole separate post about her too if anyone wants that, but dr jones has no idea she is into him at all).

Through being slightly annoying, Dr. Collins got Dr. Jones to agree to live with him.

So they live together, Dr. Jones just thinks that he's being a burden. He knows Dr. Collins is a good person, and the only reason he's taken him in is because he wants to help the hospital. Who would want a doctor to work on their case, when he sleeps in his car? "Dr. Collins just cares about the patients, because he is a good doctor. Much better than I could ever be." Type thing. He doesn't believe someone would just be kind to him for no reason. There has to be an explanation. Who would want to take care of a failure like him?

But he lets him help. He knows he doesn't deserve it, but Dr. Collins is persistent. He tells him to eat, to take care of himself. Dr. Jones lives in his house and feels like he doesn't belong there.

Dr. Collins develops an attachment to Dr. Jones. He sees the way he shrinks away and puts distance between himself anyone else. But he also sees so much more.

He sees a man who cares deeply about all his patients. A man who pours over medical notes in the middle of the night because he needs to figure out how to help someone. Someone who thinks so highly of all his coworkers, even his own ex-wife. He puts their skills above personal ties, and Dr. Collins doesn't think he could ever do that himself.

But he also sees something else. He sees the way Dr. Jones adjusts his glasses absentmindedly when he's reading. Notices the soft humming when Dr. Jones is deep in thought. The way he looks at people, and the way his eyes shift when he's looking at Dr. Collins. He sees all the care, and the way this man is falling apart. How despite everything, he is holding himself together to keep being a doctor. And Dr. Collins can't help it. It wasn't his goal, he didn't know if he could do this again after his divorce. But Dr. Jones has him second guessing himself. And he can't stop it when he reaches out to him. Small touches, hugs that linger. He didn't mean to, but he couldn't help himself from falling for this guy.

The problem is that Dr. Jones doesn't know. And it's not like he is stupid, it's that he is hurt. He doesn't think someone would even want to consider themself his friend, who would want to date him? No, he thinks Dr. Collins is lonely. After all, he doesn't live alone anymore, if he wanted to bring someone to his place, it would be awkward because Dr. Jones is there. He spends so much time caring about him, that Dr. Collins wouldn't have time to date. And he feels responsible. Of course he does. He is taking up so much of this man's time, he needs to make up for it. So he let's it all happen. He leans into the touches, shares his space. And Dr. Collins keeps coming closer, and Dr. Jones would ask him to stop but he doesn't know how? He doesn't deserve the affection, but Dr. Collins seems to light up. He is lonely, he would be happy with anyone.

Eventually, they kiss. But they don't talk about it. They just kiss sometimes now, Dr. Collins will reach out, and they will end up holding hands. They kiss sometimes, and Dr. Jones lets Dr. Collins do whatever he wants. He doesn't care. He isn't aware of his own feelings, if he likes Dr. Collins back or not is a thought that doesn't even occur to him. His feelings wouldn't matter. He just needs to make up for being here.

The two of them start hooking up, they live together, they kiss. They never talk about it. Dr. Collins would say they're dating, if anyone asked. But he doesn't know if Dr. Jones would be comfortable telling people, so he doesn't.

So they just keep doing this. Dr. Jones views their relationship as basically transactional. Dr. Collins is lonely, he spends all his time with Dr. Jones, it sounded like he went through a messy divorce. So Dr. Jones just accepts it. He gets confused when Dr. Collins pulls them into bed together and nothing happens. They don't have sex, and Dr. Jones doesn't get it. But Dr. Collins is lonely and he needs to make up for taking so much of his time, so he just comes with him.

He just lets whatever happens happen, because he doesn't have a say in his own life anymore. He doesn't think anyone would ask for his input. Before he lived with Dr. Collins, the only way to sleep was getting black out drunk, but that's not normal and worrying, so he can't keep doing it. He only drinks sometimes when it gets really bad. And Dr. Collins will just lie down with him and pull him in his arms. He takes off Dr. Jones' glasses for him, because he forgot he was wearing them and pulls a blanket over him. Sometimes Dr. Collins will just stare at Dr. Jones asleep when his head keeps him awake. He thinks his boyfriend is too good of a person to have this happen to him.

Dr. Jones has no self worth and basically doesn't think of himself as a person. The people around him, those are real people. He is just Dr. Jones.

If he died someone would have to arrange a funeral for him. If he died someone would find his body. If he tried to die, he would be rushed to the hospital. The hospital he works at. The hospital where everyone knows him. The hospital Dr. Collins works at. The hospital Dr. Addams works at too.

He can't do it.

He wouldn't fight death if it came for him, but he couldn't do it himself.

He doesn't deserve to live, but he doesn't deserve to die. He doesn't believe in hell, if he did he would say he deserves to go there. If there is an afterlife at all, all the people who died on his operating table would be there. They would have to see him again and he couldn't do that to them. No one deserves that. And every person that he couldn't save clings to his skin. So many people, so many kids even. He couldn't save them. He failed them.

He heard their voices before the surgery. The voices of their parents, friends and family. He sees their faces and he can't stop himself from falling deeper.

His name needs to be called multiple times, because he dissociates so hard he can't hear it sometimes. Days go by where he will stare at medical files and the words stop making sense. As if he unlearnt how to read. Sometimes he takes his break, and instead of eating he just runs away. He flees into a bathroom or his car. He can't breathe and no one should see him like that.

side notes:

Dr. Jones does not have a sense of hunger anymore and he forgets to eat. Both because he didn't eat a lot, and because he is too spacy to be aware of his body's needs. he really doesn't mean to, but he develops an eating disorder to punish himself. it started as not being able to keep food down when he was grieving, and it spiralled into him not eating because he doesn't know he deserves it. (this also means he gets drunk more quickly)

When he gets nauseous and lightheaded from not taking care of himself, he starts telling Dr. Collins he has migraines. so he just takes some painkillers and drinks some water and says he'll be fine.

Dr. Jones didn't think about what his relationship with Dr. Collins means about his sexuality at all. He just didn't think to question himself basically. Is he gay? Not that he would say. Is he straight? Probably not, but that's just not an idea that even occurred to him to think about.

Dr. Collins like genuinely thinks he might love Dr. Jones. He doesn't say it because he doesn't think they're there yet, but he falls hard and fast and it's why his last marriage didn't work out.

When Nurse Wilkins and Dr. Addams interact and Dr. Jones sees it, he thinks they might be trying to finally get him fired. He doesn't blame them, and doesn't say anything to anyone about it.

Dr. Jones takes on cases that are considered hard to do. People come to him for help when they have no other options. His death rates on surgeries are higher than average, because he will operate on people that aren't considered 'worth the effort' by other doctors.

Nurse Wilkins looked up to Dr. Jones before meeting him (then she looked down bcs he's so short) and then he saw that he was a shell of a man and wanted to help. He doesn't pick up on her being concerned at all and just thinks it's because she's new or curious about people.

In his inner monologue, Dr. Jones refers to himself as Jones and everyone else by their titles. (Dr. Collins, Dr. Adams etc.) even when him and Dr. Collins start living together and hooking up. it's always Dr. Collins in his mind

I actually have more to say, and Nurse Wilkins and Dr. Adams have more notes, but for now I will leave you with this.

If anyone wants to hear more, let me now! i could yap about them for days. Also these thoughts were all written in the discord with someone else (idk if they would want me to say their name?) so shoutout to that person, because we are now friends on discord and dm each other whenever we have another really sad idea for this ship and a lot of ideas came up because of a conversation that we were having. we just bounced angst off each other and it led to this thing lmao