"My Blog" by Megan Amram

Recently, my six children under the age of ten told me that they wanted Pop-Tarts. Because I’m a trad wife, I’ve raised my kids in a very classical manner and have no idea how they’d even heard of Pop-Tarts! But I decided I would give them my traditional spin on the treat.

I started with the first step of any traditional recipe: screaming. The sun had just gone down and, like any modest housewife, I’ve taught my children to fear that the sun, once gone, may never return. This is the only way to keep your food truly organic. And it’s an easy way to let the kiddos be part of the process. All my children love to scream! Screaming is one of their favorite classes when I homeschool them in our School Basin.

We prepare to cook not by washing our hands with soap and water. Germs are a modern fad—in our household, we don’t believe in anything smaller than an acorn. And we keep many acorns around for reference, which is why I crafted an acorn bowl from the skull of a coyote that I shot with a cannon. But we are very sanitary. We open all the windows and get the bad air out of the kitchen and into the nearby Alo Yoga store where it belongs. Then my little ones clean their hands by dunking them into hot sand and rinsing them with children’s wine.

By this point in the Pop-Tarts process, the kids were so excited to start the recipe. Though a couple had to sit this one out: baby Mercy has rubella and baby Rubella has “grocer’s itch.”

I’d decided to make a fruit filling for the Pop-Tarts, so I needed to plan ahead. Most fruits are genetically modified—a huge no-no—so my kids and I just dug through whatever animal dung was nearby to see if there were any usable berries. Like the pillows I embroider with my own hair say: “If it didn’t kill a bear, it’s good for you!”

To make the crusts for the tarts, I first publicly claimed that all of my female neighbors within a thirty-mile radius were witches. I wouldn’t want any of them to blight my wheat crops. Plus, if they were to tempt my husband, he would not be able to provide my family with a home or finely aged children’s wine.

The dough needs to rise after kneading, so I returned the children to the School Basin for their lessons. We go through all the standards: Biblical Penmanship, Apron Humility, Faith-Based Math, Husband-Washing. Little Scarlet Fever is a prodigy at Stove.

I needed some dairy for the glaze. You are free to use whatever milk you prefer, though I find the milk of the oldest animals on earth to be the most traditional. The Greenland shark has been around for about 2.34 million years, so I really like that one. It’s hard to find a shark’s nipples but, like my other hair-embroidered pillows say: “If you squeeze any animal hard enough, you’ll get milk out of somewhere!”

We used an open flame in the back yard to bake the Pop-Tarts. Unfortunately, a neighbor from a few miles off saw the flame and assumed I set it with witchcraft. I like her, but now I have to counter-accuse her of witchcraft. My daughters helped—they love the part where they get to say that they saw her taking part in the He-Goat’s Sabbath!

I always clean up as I go, making liberal use of my all-purpose spray. The spray gets used for everything: cleaning, hydration, disciplining the children. I do not know what is in the spray. My great-great-great-grandmother speaks of the spray with reverence in her diaries. I fear that the spray is not God’s spray but the Devil’s spray—my own mother sprayed me in the face with it when I was fourteen and never again have I been able to see the color blue.

Brands like Chipotle, Dunkin, and Starbucks have started offering new protein-dense menu items. Here are more companies making exciting protein-based revamps.

Jamba Juice This sweet smoothie brand is branching out into savory, high-protein options. Try the “shepherd’s pie” shake, which boasts sixty grams of protein and over 200 percent of your daily recommended value of gravy. Or make your own! Choose your base—minestrone, Italian wedding, or clam chowder—and throw in any of your favorite high-protein add-ins, like hard-boiled eggs, jerky, or branzino. Perfect on a hot summer day. Just make sure you ask for your shake deboned.

IKEA With IKEA’s new line of high-protein furniture and household goods, even sitting on the couch can help you achieve your ideal physique. Cushions are filled with a mix of protein powder and beef bouillon, and each is outfitted with a mouthpiece so you can drink your pillows whenever you need to build muscle while you’re reading or watching TV. IKEA offers an easy monthly broth subscription service, so you’ll never forget to refill your pillows. As an added bonus, IKEA’s traditional instructions are printed on thin slices of lamb chops. Simply eat your lamb-structions after you’ve built your beef-case.

CVS Pharmacy Your medications will now be coated in peanut butter, like the kind you give a dog. For even more of a protein fix, CVS is offering the “Rx+” service, which replaces all your pills with pistachios. If your heart gets swole enough, you won’t need blood pressure medication.

Oral-B For something you put in your mouth twice a day, toothpaste has a shockingly low protein content. Oral-B has switched from a glycerin base to a ceviche base to increase the shrimp in your toothpaste exponentially. You can brush normally, just make sure you swallow every last drop. Wash your savory toothpaste down with a glass of minty fresh beef pho. Sometimes a whole shrimp gets caught in the toothpaste tube’s opening, so make sure you press firmly. Plus, Oral-B has announced it will soon branch out into high-protein tooth whitening, from a slurry of all-white-meat chicken breast.

ExxonMobil Exxon has mixed a delectable blend of gasoline and egg whites for some of its select stations. Simply fill your own water bottle after you’ve filled up your car and chug. Comes in both “Denver omelette” and “unleaded” flavors.

Boeing No one wants to experience an air travel emergency, but if you have to, you might as well get a dose of protein at the same time. Instead of flavorless and low-macro oxygen, the face masks that drop down during a cabin pressure emergency will be filled with cottage cheese. Make sure to let a flight attendant know if you are lactose intolerant—they can provide you with an alternative mask filled with flank steak instead.

USPS Since their debut in 1971, the adhesives on stamps and envelopes have always had the same flavor. While absolutely delicious, the USPS has recognized this as a missed opportunity. So it’s introducing a new line of stamps with thin layers of tuna salad as a new glue base. Getting your daily value of protein will be as easy as sending 4,015 letters to your parents. Or Santa.

Nvidia Nvidia has had a huge year, but they are not satisfied to rest on their laurels. For all of the tech capabilities, its processing chips have next to no protein content. Every Nvidia GPU will now have a core of raw turkey chili. As you use your computer for work or to play video games, the heat from the processing unit will boil the chili. As soon as the turkey is cooked through, the GPU goat-based intestinal casing will melt, allowing the chili to seep through your keyboard and USB ports. Collect the turkey chili on the Nvidia-branded chili mat that you’ve put under your computer and simply lick the chili right off. Then eat the mat—it’s made of kidney loaf. Each chili mat comes with a fifteen-dollar rebate toward the next computer you’ll have to buy, since yours is now destroyed. For just one computer a day, you’ll look and feel like a brand-new person.

It’s National Environmental Awareness Month, and all of us at SaaxoAmco Petroleum Corp. are dedicated to using our powerful access and responsibility to insure that the Earth is a healthier and cleaner place for future generations. To demonstrate our dedication, we would like to announce a new array of environmental-progress investment areas.

Carbon offset: For every pipeline that we build, we will plant one tree in a local park. We will then cut down the tree to make paper to send a memo to that town’s mayor to announce that we have planted the tree so that the public knows to come and look at the tree. Just in case the public doesn’t know exactly where the tree is, we will make hundreds of thousands of paper maps available to show the location of the tree before we cut it down, so that visitors won’t need to use their phones (whose batteries are the world’s leading cause of pollution, as per a bunch of studies). This will mean that it will soon take only four thousand trees to see a tree that used to be there! And get this. The mayor we told you about? She’s a woman!

Minimizing operational waste: At all of our offices, digs, and pipeline sites, we have forbidden our employees to drink bottled water. We have also forbidden them to drink any water whatsoever, so that it can be saved for the flowers and the beetles. In the words of our founder, J. M. Milligan, “We need to look out for the beetles, because they are the only things that will protect us from the Irish.” That sort of forward-thinking environmentalism has been part of our brief since 1863.

C-suite jet racing: Because we are so dedicated to the future of this planet, our C-suite will no longer use the company’s private jets to drag-race in the sky. Sure, it’s the most fun thing ever and life is barely worth living without it, but we’ll make the sacrifice.

Greenhouse-gas capture: I think we are capturing carbon dioxide. I haven’t followed up, but I’m pretty sure I heard a guy say that we were, like, seven years ago in the break room. As our founder, J. M. Milligan, said in 1870, “The Earth is a beautiful place and we should keep it that way. The only real downside is that Jews live here and poison all the bread and candy unless we make them live underground in special sewers.” We agree with the first part!

Biodiversity: SaaxoAmco is committed to fostering biodiversity, which is why we take responsibility for the roughly sixteen hundred new species of flora and fauna that were created when we dumped toxic sludge into the oceans. Who cares about old-fashioned animals like the “black bear” and the “bumblebee”? We can give you a snake with a human penis! The eco-possibilities are endless. And I don’t know what you’re imagining, but the penis is much bigger than the rest of the snake. You’re welcome, Mother Earth.

Oil on ducks: We pledge to stop putting crude oil on those baby ducks that you see in soap commercials. Those ducks are, as our founder, J. M. Milligan, loved to say, “slipperier than a drunk Italian with a pregnant wife.” He said this about oil-slicked ducks as recently as 1951. But we will not do this anymore.

Girlbosses: We pledge that at least fifteen per cent of SaaxoAmco executives will be women. Is that what we’re doing here? Is that what people are mad about right now? Feels like it can’t hurt, right?

Going green: We are making SaaxoAmco literally go green by dumping all the runoff from our pipelines straight into a shallow lake, where it turns the formerly clean drinking water a neon green. Also—and this is fun—it makes everything it touches form a human penis. There are lily pads with human penises, even some water spiders with human penises. We don’t understand it even a little bit, but did van Gogh question what made his masterpieces beautiful or what gave him a human penis?

Oceanic symphonic harmonization: This new SaaxoAmco project harnesses the boundless potential of resonating frequencies, psychedelic sonatas, and rhythmic ripples, in order to foster an otherworldly bond between marine life and the cosmos. Isn’t this good gibberish? Thanks to our panel of highly paid eco-experts, this fake process that doesn’t exist will save up to zero biospecies and sounds real!

Oh my god, hi!! I am SO sorry to do this, but we have your wife Jenna, and if you don’t pay us $20 million in unmarked bills by tomorrow night, we are gonna have to kill her. So sorry about this!!

We are a group of private individuals who disagree with your amoral business practices and have kidnapped your wife, because four of us are Scorpios, and you know how we are when we get together—you better be glad we didn’t make a worse mess of this, LOL. We follow your public stock holdings and know you have the money. Please follow our instructions to the letter if you want to see your wife again, and I know you do because she is super pretty!!

Just to say it again: SO sorry about this, I know this is annoying, ugh.

To prove that we have her, we’ve enclosed some hair—that’s right, we gave her bangs. She is going through a tough time right now because she is kidnapped, and everyone agreed that letting her get bangs would make her feel free and in control of her own future. She looks SO cute!!!! You should absolutely pay us so you can see the bangs.

Your wife is safe and unharmed and is one of the most beautiful, strong women I have ever seen. You have no idea how lucky you are to have her. You better treat her right by paying us the ransom. If you let us kill her, I will never forgive you. God, men are such pigs sometimes!!

Listen carefully! Actually, I’m so sorry if I’m yelling! Listen however feels best to you! If you don’t respond to this letter immediately (sorry!), we will cut off your wife’s pinky finger and send it back to you in a box. I can’t believe you are going to let that happen—your wife has the most beautiful fingers, and she could be a model if she wanted to be and if we don’t kill her. We keep telling her she deserves better and that we could return her to any man on earth—she’s that special. She keeps crying, which makes us cry!!

You need to understand: Seabiscuit’s life is in your hands (there’s another Jenna in the group, and we started calling your wife “Seabiscuit” because she ran across the room so fast this one time, even though we told her the windows were bolted shut, and we all laughed SO hard, OMG! Maybe you had to be there, but it was SO funny!!). Her future is up to you. I take that back; her future is up to her. The future is FEMALE. We don’t need a man’s money. I take that back—in this instance, we do!!!

I’m sorry the letters are getting smeary. I can’t stop crying at how grateful I am to have Seabiscuit in my life! This is truly so unprofessional of me!! But honestly, crying does not equal weakness, and I think more male kidnappers should cry at work rather than fewer female kidnappers. Happy to discuss if you disagree. Are you mad at me?!

I’m really, really looking forward to getting the money tomorrow. Please leave it by the big oak tree near College St., and one of us will pick it up. And just to be very clear: this is not a date!!

Men always think meeting a woman by a tree in a ransom situation equals a date, but sometimes, it’s just meeting a woman by a tree in a ransom situation!! We will be wearing all black! I promised our Fearless Leader I wouldn’t give any information that could identify us, which is just the same old Kelsey Murphy Virgo shit she’s been saying since LSU. God, I love my friends!!!!

I know you’re really busy, but can’t wait to hear your thoughts. Sorry in advance for bugging you!

Hey, guys! There’s been a lot of discussion going on lately and I just wanted to clear the air. I totally understand that people think I got my job because of my dad, but I definitely would have still been the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ even if my dad wasn’t God. Everyone says I would have been the Son of God even if I weren’t the son of God.

Just because my dad is famous, it doesn’t mean I don’t have merits of my own. I am a very good listener, and nice, and I have a bag that has seven million fish in it. I’m pretty embarrassed by D-d—I don’t even really like telling people my last name. When people find out that my last name is Of Nazareth, it just shuts down any conversation. How do they know it’s the same Of Nazareth? What if my dad was, like, Bill Of Nazareth, just, like, a guy with a truck and a snake? Not everyone in my family is famous. What about my mom? She’s a prude and a nobody! Her last name, Mary, isn’t well known at all! Her last name is Mary and her first name is Virgin.

You have no idea—it actually really sucks to have a famous parent. No one believes that I healed those lepers on my own. But now we’ll never know if I could have cured leprosy without the leg up my dad gave me, which is that I am magic and have the gorgeous hair of a horse you hope breeds with all the other horses. Sure, I got all this myrrh as a kid, but that myrrh lasts you only so long. And then you have to work for your own myrrh. And I worked for every inch of myrrh I ever got. Every cubic centimetre of myrrh. Every cup of it. What is myrrh?

I toiled really hard to get where I am. I went to four years of carpenter school. And, no, I don’t have student loans, because, yes, my dad invented wood, but it was still hard. I have hammered my thumbs so many times. One time, I even drove a nail all the way through my hand. It hurt so bad, and I was, like, I hope that never happens again, but then it did! I totally acknowledge my privilege, but let’s not act like other people don’t have privilege, too. I can turn water into wine, but my buddy Eric can turn water into piss. Why aren’t people obsessed with Eric’s dad?

I started from the bottom—I was born and immediately put in a manger. You’d imagine that soft hay would be in there, but no. Do you know what was in there? Four scorpions. Worse than a normal bed. I don’t even technically have my own birthday! I share it with Santa, which is antisemitic.

I’m a really good sport about things. Every time I walk into a Catholic church, there’s a good chance I’ll see myself on the Cross, being crucified. Obsessed with me much? And everyone is obsessed with drinking my blood and eating my body. It makes me feel faint. We have to talk about something else before I fall off this horse. And, before you comment about my having a fancy horse, just know that a lot of people’s dads make them horses for their sixteenth birthday.

I don’t want anyone to feel too sorry for me, but the nepo-baby thing makes me really insecure. People are just so ready to tear you down and say, “You don’t even deserve to have a really popular book about you.” I struggled with impostor syndrome for so long, but then I was able to cure it, because I can cure any disease, because I am magic, because of my dad.

All I can hope for is that, by keeping my head down and just doing the work, my legacy will finally be separate from D-d’s. At the end of my career as the Lamb of God, no one is going to think about my dad. They’ll just be, like, That’s some guy who is a really hard worker and always has, like, a hundred loaves of bread with him for some reason.

HELLO, all! Gwynnie here! Welcome to another issue of Goop, my newsletter for people who enjoy the finer things in life. I’m proud to present our annual gift guide. Just because I’m Gwyneth Paltrow, it doesn’t mean I can’t kick back and enjoy the holidays. I put my winter-capris on one cashmere leg at a time, just like you!

Here, I’ve compiled my favorite buys for every type of person. Whether you want to spend $7,900,000 or $8,000,000, we’ve got the right gift for you!

FOR THE CENTERED SOUL

Trinket vessel ($339)

If you’re like me, your trinkets end up all over the place: hidden inside your artisanal peony terrarium, strewn on your wicker birthing chairs, veiled behind a piping hot cup of acai-and-clamshell tea. Keep your trinkets neat and tidy with this minimalist, torus-shaped vessel. So stunning.

Candle masseuse ($197 per hour)

This moderately priced candle masseuse will massage your candles (votive or taper!) for a clearer, more intense burn. Why not treat your candles to a little holiday cheer?

Free-range dream catcher ($418-$523)

Did you know that the human body is 70 percent dreams? Most dream catchers sequester a dream until it’s cramped and broken, like a calf for veal. This dream catcher, made from organic, non-G.M.O. wheats and berries, allows the dream to roam free until the moment of humane confinement. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Dreams (PETD) gave it three “Zzz’s” up!

Very tiny tarot cards ($196)

This adorable gold-leafed tarot set is perfect for a tiny bird, or even a small mouse!

FOR THE FEELER

Geranium eye mist ($515)

If you happen to have lost the ability to cry through a combination of Botox and cocktail of personality disorders, this floral-scented eye irritant will produce extremely realistic tears immediately upon contact! Perfect for funerals, Oscar speeches and haggling with your local fishmonger.

Porcelain-and-crystal bisque ($3,400)

This soup looks better than the real thing! A sculpture of a bowl of soup made entirely of solid porcelain and healing crystals. Can be used as decoration or a meal replacement. I lost 64 pounds by replacing three meals a day with thinking about crystals!

Leather divorce papers ($279 for pack of four)

He can’t not sign these! Made from the tanned hides of Wagyu show-steers, these gorgeous, legally binding divorce papers will make consciously uncoupling a pleasure. After the divorce is finalized, treat yourself to thinking about a crystal bowl of ice cream. Your body will love you for it.

FOR THE WANDERER

‘We Are the 1 Percent’ Globe ($2,914)

Ever think to yourself, “there are just too many countries”? Well, then, this beautifully enameled, reclaimed, no-kill ivory globe is just for you. We removed any countries with a G.D.P. of less than $2 trillion, according to the World Bank, leaving the United States, China, Japan, Germany, Britain, France, Brazil, Italy and India. These countries have been arranged according to celebrity child consultant North West in a cute, minimalist neo-Pangaea land mass.

Human picture frame ($670-$1,890 plus annual food and water stipend)

A picture frame for people who don’t do picture frames. Hire this human adult man to hold your photos silently in front of his face. Comes in three practical sizes: tween, medium and Swedish.

PETD membership ($530,700 for one year)

Give the gift of a one-year membership to this up-and-coming association created to protect and advance the art of dreams. It’s very exclusive. There are very few members. There is only one member. I am the only member.

FOR THE FUN-LOVER

Real-Life Monopoly set (about $42,420,595)

Why still play old-fashioned board games with rinky-dink pieces and flimsy dollars? It’s 2015, for my-close-friend-Pete-Sampras’s sake! We’ve found an incredible option for the serious gamer: a real-life Monopoly set using real U.S. currency, houses and hotels. Each kit comes with thirty-two (32) actual, livable houses strewn across the Eastern Seaboard, each worth $200,000, and twelve (12) fully-functional hotels each worth $3,000,000. Price includes a beautiful locally sourced burlap sack with actual bills worth $20,580.

Floor-length jean shorts ($4,415)

As if jorts couldn’t get more stylish! A bit pricey, but you’re paying for the detail: The seamstresses who make these fashion essentials have painstakingly pulled out the seams of jorts to create an entirely new kind of pant, one that stretches down to the floor.

Twister With Gwyneth ($4,600)

I’ve put my own spin (pun intended!) on the classic contortion-based child’s game. Instead of a bunch of colored dots on a mat, my Twister is just one ecru dot in the middle of the tarp. It’s sleeker and has a gorgeous minimalist aesthetic. To play, you just stand in the middle of the mat and have your human picture frame read you a Basho haiku. So fun.

FOR THE SPLURGER

D.I.Y. novel set ($13,000)

These inspirational books will have you writing in no time. We’ve found a whole set of first-edition Jane Austen novels, ripped out all the pages, and replaced them with blank pages. You’ll feel her spirit in every line that you write.

One hundred dollar bill ($1,000)

What says “holidays” more than cold hard cash? Plus, Ben Franklin looks adorable here. Hang it on the wall as cute art for a nursery or fringe the edges and use as garnish for a summer salad.

Yoga mat (market price, around $106,500,500)

My name is Elon Musk, and I am the C.E.O. of Tesla and the father of approximately one per cent of the current population of Earth and a hundred per cent of the future population of Mars. As you know, the human body has not been substantially updated in nearly forty years. The new Tesla Body will revolutionize, streamline, and vastly modernize the human body as we know it.

Let’s start with walking: it sucks. I will make all bodies self-walking. You will simply set a speed for your feet, and they will walk forward forever until your Body stops when it encounters a hard surface. I, of course, will outfit all buildings and walls in urban areas with cushioning. To reduce drownings, any ravine or body of water will be edged with taut elastic ropes. Currently, we are looking at making Scottsdale, Arizona, ready to be walked in by the year 2045. I can hear the critics now: “What if I need to turn?” First of all, what are you, some sort of king? No one “needs” to turn. But, for those Baryshnikovs among us who want to turn left or right like royalty, there will be optional ski poles available to buy for your Body. They will cost five hundred and ninety-five dollars per pole.

Eyes are very boring. Most of what plays in them is boring content (waking up, taking care of your beta-tier children, etc.). I will make sure that, in your new Tesla Body, the eyes will play only the funniest episodes of “Rick and Morty” all day, every day. If you want to go to sleep, it’s easy as pie—just put on your Tesla noise-cancelling headphones (the sound of “Rick and Morty” comes out of a tiny speaker in your tear ducts) and slide in your Tesla Blackout Sleep Contacts. You should not wear your contacts for more than four hours at a time, for cornea health, which is why we sell a convenient Tesla alarm clock, which will wake you up every four hours so that you can remove your contacts. The alarm clock also plays my favorite episodes of “Rick and Morty.” It costs three thousand and ninety-five dollars, plus twelve ninety-nine for the Hulu subscription that gives you access to the “Rick and Morty” episodes.

Food is so stupid. Oh, look at me, I love having to eat every single day like some sort of livestock or mother of my children! Stupid. The Tesla Body will operate on flavorless protein powder that you can deposit once a day directly into your stomach via a tiny door. The powder will give the Body enough energy to walk exactly six miles. If you do not budget your daily energy carefully, your Body will sit down on the floor and not move until the next morning. But, luckily, a convenient Tesla Emergency Tent is included with every Body. When your Body breaks down, just pull out the tent from your Tesla Bindle, set it up (note: you can’t set it up without energy, so make sure you always travel with a friend or an intelligent St. Bernard that has a barrel on its collar), and press the Roadside Assistance button. While you take a much needed nap, Tesla’s friendly roadside helpers will arrive and put extra powder in your tummy door, and you’re off! The tent is standard equipment. The Roadside Assistance service is nine thousand four hundred and fifteen dollars per month. If you don’t buy it, you go to jail.

I am a feminist and I listen to women, and basically the only thing women talk about is wanting pockets. I hear your shrill voices (I am being ironic!) loud and clear. The Tesla Body will have pockets all the way down the legs, like cargo pants that you can’t take off. You can keep so many important items in your skin pockets: your Tesla Emergency Tent, your Tesla Flare (in case your protein powder runs out in the middle of a road), and your Tesla Map of Scottsdale! The map highlights all of my favorite sites, like N.F.T. galleries and a bar where you can meet blond women who have just moved to America from the Eastern Bloc.

I’m going to say what I’m sure you’re already thinking: no one should have a penis but me. A penis is a luxury and a privilege that only I have proved myself worthy of. The Tesla Body will either have a vagina and ovaries or a convenient cup holder for your favorite South African soda, Iron Brew. I will accordingly have the only sperm on Earth. Thus, anyone who wants to procreate will have to fill out an application and submit it directly to me. But, don’t worry, I always say yes! The application is just a formality so I can see what my future children’s handwriting will look like.

Sometimes, with our hectic modern schedules, it’s easy to misplace things, which is why the Tesla Body will come preloaded with a trusty app that will be able to tell you where your Body is. O.K., sorry, one more thing about the sperm. I have never liked the way that my DNA can be spread only through very old-fashioned means. I will therefore embed pre-fertilized Elon embryos in every Tesla Body. All you have to do is take care of your Body, and, one night, a tiny Elon or Elonia will pop out of its own little door! Then just drop your Baby Elon / Elonia off at the nearest Tesla dealership or factory. They’ll know what to do!

Dear Harvard,

How are you? I hope you are well! My name is Jared Kushner, and I would like to go to you. As an example of how smart I am, here is some money.

I heard from my daddy and my friends’ daddies that you are a big house for smart, good boys. I am a good boy! I am nice and my face is very smooth. Would you like a hundred-dollar bill? It has Benjamin Franklin on it! He is silly, because he only has hair on the sides, not on the top. Here are some of him!

Here are some facts about me: I am Jared. I am more than six feet tall, which is funny, because feet are on your legs, not how tall you are! That always makes me laugh. My favorite color is green, like money. My favorite shape is rectangle, like money. I also like round, which is like some kinds of money that poor people use for littering in fountains.

When I was a kid, which was last year, I got mad that there was no sixty-nine-dollar bill, so my daddy paid the U.S. Treasury to make one special for me. I showed it to all my friends and we all laughed and then I gave it to our maid because I was bored with it. She cleaned it and gave it back to me so that I could throw it away.

I am a good student. I got straight D’s in high school. “D” is the first letter in the alphabet. At first, the teachers said “A” was the first letter, but my daddy paid the teachers to teach us a new alphabet song so that I wouldn’t feel bad about my grades. It worked! In school, my favorite classes were recess and lunch. I did very good on the SAT because I filled in every single bubble, even the ones for my name, which was a trick question. I am so smart! For me, tests are as easy as D-B-C!

I am good at after-school activities, such as sports and allowance. I was on the basketball team in high school. My daddy gave the referee money so that I didn’t have to dribble and could just carry the ball. All the other good boys were jealous, but only my daddy loved me enough to pay the referees so that I got to carry the ball and use a ladder. Ladder dunks are worth fifty points.

My daddy is also so good at games. Daddy and I like to play a game called hide-and-go-seek, which is where we tape money to ourselves and go to the Cayman Islands and hide the money all around. We are so good that no one ever finds it! Daddy said we were there to put the money in the laundry, which is funny because after we buried the money it was so much dirtier and sandier than before. My daddy is so silly sometimes!

Harvard, I would like to go to you so that I can be big and strong someday, like all my daddy’s friends. They are so cool and impressive. They wear ties all the time to keep their shirts from falling off. My daddy is so rich that he can buy any building he wants, even the Empire State Building or the moon. Here are some things I want to be when I grow up: a fireman, an astronaut, a business boy, a fire truck, a thousand-dollar bill. If you would like some more money, here is some more money!

I do not want to be mean, but if you do not let me into you something bad might happen. My daddy is very nice but when he is mad he can be very scary. One time when he got mad he made a lady go to my uncle’s house to kiss my uncle even though the lady wasn’t my aunt! Yuck!

Anyway, thank you for letting me into Harvard! I am so excited to go in you. When I arrive, I would like four dorm rooms, a parking space for my Range Rover, a girlfriend, a girlfriend for my Range Rover, a pony, a Range Rover for my pony, three opals, and the ocean. I have been a good boy and I deserve it!

Love,

Hello, all! Your pal Gwyneth Paltrow here! Welcome to another issue of Goop. As you know, the world is in turmoil. But COVID-19 is a great equalizer. Young or old, rich or poor, we are all the same: rich, staying in a fifteen-thousand-square-foot home, remembering the time we starred in “Contagion.” As you adjust to your new life, we at Goop are with you every step of the way. Here’s our guide to quarantine essentials.

ORGANIC HAND SOAP ($170): If you’re anything like me, you use your hands all the time. Whether it’s weaving a lilac menstrual shawl or handing your child off to a nanny, your hands take the lead, and you need to protect them. Normal soap can be really irritating to hands that have never touched a large door or buckled an overall. Our Goop bar soap is made in a gentle oval shape so that you don’t cut the paper-thin skin of your hand on the sharp edges of a rectangle. Give that virus a piece of your mind like the badass mommy you are!

ALL-NATURAL DISINFECTING CLEANER ($390): We all know that we’re supposed to bleach our second kitchen’s tarragon forks twice a day, but bleach can be super harsh. This cleaner, made from purified H2O, rose hips, and saffron threads, is an all-natural alternative that’s light and fragrant and kills almost some of germs! Safe to use on prosciutto desks, wheat-free necklaces, and birthing tongs. Life hack: to increase germ-fighting power, just add a dash of this disinfectant to a gallon of bleach!

FIRST-RESPONDERS GRATITUDE TIARA ($1,875): It’s not easy to stand out from the crowd when you’re poking your head out the window, but this headwear will make you the belle of the plague. Our tiara, encrusted with rubies, diamonds, and blood diamonds, will make you feel feminine and brave every night as you clap from your Central Park-adjacent balcony for the selfless first responders!

CLAPPING PHONOGRAPH ($2,700): Quarantine can be stressful, especially if you’re cooped up with little ones. (I mean bills under fifty.) You might not even have time to clap for the first responders if you’re busy teaching your daughter to embroider #girlboss on the maid. This clapping phonograph is weather resistant and plays a ton of really awesome celebrity-clapping tracks—just set it on your veranda and let it do your gratitude for you! Throw on Lizzo’s clapping to get your groove on while you’re waiting for the nurses to do their freakin’ jobs!

BIRKIN LAMBSKIN FACE MASK ($120,000): The C.D.C. recommends wearing a mask and standing six feet away from others. But that doesn’t mean you have to stand six years behind the current fashion! This non-reusable face mask is made from a lamb’s mouth that has been expertly detoothed and molded to a human woman’s natural curves. Nearly three full lamb faces go into each mask. The lambskin’s natural oils will help keep your lips and philtrum as perfectly smooth as your yoni. And the best part? There is a hole in the middle, so you can show off your perfect lip color! MWAH!

MOTHER-OF-PEARL TEAR JAR ($470): Let’s face it—this corona stuff is sad! Let it out, girlfriend! This trinket jar is lined with mother-of-pearl harvested from bivalves that were mommies, so you know they care. Collect your daily tear in it and watch the colors shimmer. The tears will keep, so you can reuse them any day when you’re not quite “feeling” it. Also great for storing earrings or doubloons.

TUTOR VACUUM SEAL ($29,140): Feel overwhelmed that your child’s tutor can’t teach during lockdown? This easy-to-use vacuum seal will keep your little darling’s holistic-math teacher (only free-range variables!) germ-free so that she can keep coming to your house without risking your family’s health! Comes in three sizes: small, medium, and SAT.

CHAMPAGNE BIDET ($6,705): Toilet paper is still scarce, and everyone is looking for an eco-friendly way to cope. This bidet uses whatever you have lying around—champagne, California sparkling wine, whatever! My booty is so cultured now, it can tell the difference between a 2013 and a 2017 pinot gris!

OPEC MEMBERSHIP ($25,000,900-$50,001,700): The cost of oil has fallen so low that opec is actually considering individual membership! Available for either single membership ($25,000,900) or dual membership for couples ($50,001,700—save a hundred dollars!). Buy one for yourself, or gift it to your mom for Mother’s Day. Now that’s what I call essential oil!

Thank you for coming to my baby's gender reveal party! I can’t wait to share the precious moment when I find out whether this bundle of joy I'm carrying is a little ballerina or a little truck driver. I am just so excited to talk about my future child's genitalia with 30 of my closest friends and acquaintances!

You know me and my hubs Andy. We're obsessed with being extra and we're never going to settle for just an ordinary gender reveal party. We've had a cake prepared that's either pink or blue, based on whether our child is a Little Man or a Little Miss. First, I will cut into the cake and show a slice. If it's a Boy, the cake will be blue, because blue is Boy! Blue is color of Boy things, like the sky, which is where the Air Force lives. Pink is color of girl, because girl things like flowers and laundry mistake.

We're not stopping there. After the cake, Andy is going to use a crossbow to shoot 12 wild rabbits that he bought at a store where you get food for large snakes. Each guest will then take one of the dying rabbits into her hands and look under the tail. If the dead rabbit is (was) a girl, our baby will be a little fashionista. If the rabbit has a little penis? Our lovebug will grow up to be a doctor or other type of Man! 

This is a party for adults, so feel free to get a little naughty. There's nothing that makes me feel like making fun dirty jokes then thinking about my unborn child's Boy or Girl pubic mound! We're going to play a twist on "pin the tail on the donkey," and you'll either stick penises or vaginas on a picture of my ultrasound. We'll be using glue that's made from either Boy or Girl racehorses. This grown-up game will be made even more fun by the fact that we will be eating gourmet ice cream cones that are either flavored like Boy (scotch with a fun spicy touch of hot sauce) or Girl (nothing). Can't wait to meet our Little Heartbreaker or our Little Slut!

I never knew this before getting preggo, but there are a lot of rules for Girl or Boy! There are many things that are Boy. Boy is Blue, dog, numbers, fireman (even though fireman Red, it is Boy), hair (coarse), shape of ball like soccer ball, bricks, glass, buildings, car, sharp. Girl is Pink, cat, hair (soft), shape of square like purse, skin, boat, dry. I know it's a lot to remember but look, I don't make the rules! (The person that make the rules is Boy.)

Andy and I love our traditional gender roles. He makes the money and cuts down the trees because Boy, and I am House for baby. Andy loves to make me eat vitamins so the House will be nice for Baby. Each vitamin is like a gift I give my baby's House! I can't wait to see what job my baby have. If Boy, maybe Racecar Scientist, Ambulance Lifter, or Priest Batman. If Girl, only job option is House or Lesbian.

Even I don't know what our baby is! When ultrasound technician which was weirdly Girl told Andy what gender our baby was, I told him I didn't want to know. Andy was able to keep a stoic face when Girl Technician told him Boy or Other One! He was completely deadpan except for one tiny body language thing, where his mouth said "now our baby can't be Blacksmith." Andy is so good at keeping surprises! I hope our little bundle of joy looks just like him when grows up to be Ice Fisherman Man.