life is made of small moments like these,

I haven’t posted in awhile.

I’m mainly here to log down my thoughts. If you somehow actually end up reading this, hi, how was you’re 2020?

Anyway, tonigh t was interesting and unexpected. We had family visiting Hawaii. Family from my father’s side. Family I haven’t seen or spoken to since I was maybe seven or eight.

To give you an idea how long ago that was, I’m going to be 30 later this year. Yeah, we’re old... and by we it’s because a lot of us on here have been HERE since... since the beginning of “TUMBLR DAYS” ... or not. Just me I guess.

I thought tonight was gonna be awkward but for the most part it was refreshing. I remember bits and pieces of my aunts and uncle when they were reminiscing. They talked about their mom (my grandma) and we all laughed because she’s fucking crazy! Actually, that whole side of my family is fucking crazy!!

It was just a really good time that I never had any expectation of because well, when does seeing long lost relatives really go right??

It’s like “oh I used to watch you when you were a baby!” “Ohhhhhhhh, haha.” 🤣🤣 SAY LESS.

I have two half sisters, aside from my younger sister. Only one of my half sisters showed up. She married now and has a 3 month old daughter whom I’ve met tonight! GUYS, IM AN UNCLE! 😭

Someone FaceTimed grandma and we got to see talk for a bit. She’s 66 now and I heard she’s dancing on tiktok, living life. She’s a lot lighter than I remember her. Man, all I can say is that I used to be afraid of her!

The biggest thing that I took away from tonight.. and the reason I wanted to come here was because.. my dad called while we were all together.

I have not spoken to my father since 2008. It felt forced and if I’m being really honest, I did not want to talk to him.

When I was a junior in high school and still figuring myself out, I came out to my mother. She freaked out, and told my father. He’s been locked up ever since I was little. And he wrote a very hurtful letter to me from prison.

I remember opening that letter in my science class. Not expecting that type of letter at all. And I tore it up, and refused to talk to him or keep in contact with him. You can just imagine the terrible things he said.

I want to say somewhere in my senior year he wrote an apology letter. To which, I never replied to.

It’s been a long long time since high school. And I’ve had time to reflect and ponder and understand and feel angry and hurt and all these things. But I still wasn’t ready to talk to him. But I did tonight.

I just cried alittle because I realized with everything going on in the world that I waited way to long to forgive him, or to reach out to him, reach out to his side of the family.

We never brought up what he said, what I said, what he felt, what I felt.. he asked how I was doing and I replied I drank alittle bit so I’m feeling good! And we laughed. And he said he’s learning how to used computers in there, and that he’s getting a stimulus 🤣

Okayyyyy dad, Microsoft came out in like 1999 but I’m happy for you 🤣🤣

We only had a short convo but it was still just like wow. Am I really talking to him??

I got super emotional when I got off the phone with him. Just that battle going on in my head.

I THOUGHT YOU HATE HIM?

DID YOU REALLY FORGIVE HIM?

HE WAS NEVER THERE FOR YOU.

YOU GOTTA FORGIVE HIM.

HE’S YOUR FATHER.

I always thought about how it was gonna be if we ever talked again. And this one caught me by surprise. Again, it felt forced. But in the end I know if it never happened this way, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to reach out to him.

It almost feels like a huge weight was lifted off of me. That I can breathe alittle easier. This was something I’ve buried dee for so long. Someone that I never talk about, never think about... and then BOOM! “Dad’s on the phone.”