Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur.

i promise i’ll get over it soon. that’s what i tell myself anyway, because it’s what i want to believe. in the past, it was easier, but we spent so much time trying to detangle my defense mechanisms that when i need them the most, they’re not there because i felt so safe that i didn’t’ think i’d have to pull them out again for a long time. I guess I was wrong. I can’t help but feel like this hurt so much more differently than the rest. 

shit, there are so many things i miss. i miss the rants you do about the things you’re passionate for, whether it’s a game like dark souls, or an animated series, or a video you showed me that you used to watch a lot in the past. i’m gonna miss watching you tie your hair and fit it under your cap. i’m gonna miss sitting in a call and falling asleep while you randomly laugh to compilation videos on youtube or tiktoks or whatever it is because you have a laugh that could make me feel at peace. i’ll miss the times that we’re vulnerable and open and it’s a terrifying feeling but it was a safe space between us. i know it still is but you know what i mean, it’s not the same. i’ll miss the way your hands feel in mine, even if it does get a little clammy, i’ll still hold it. the way your hair falls in the shower, or when you sweep it upwards before you go to sleep. 

i wanted to think that we saw each other, truly, that we understood each other. i only hoped that a fraction of that could be true.

where does all this love go? tell me where i should put it.

i don’t know what i’m more afraid of, that i need to face you and i will ask you to look me in the eye to say it’s really over, or the fact that it’s going to be the last time i see you.

- i feel like i’m a broken rollercoaster dangling at its peak with ends pulling equal weight at the drop, and right back to the beginning. 

-i want to yell at the world for its unfairness, for the circumstances that pit love against logic and made me decide between you and reality. 

-if falling in love is my only sin then i’ll pray to these stained glass walls. 

-if you want to be my friend, i will be for your sake, but my heart won’t stop telling my that my place is beside you, not cheering from the sidelines. 

-i wish we crossed paths when we were both in a better place. i wish i had the privilege of that time skip, without the heartbreak. we could support each other without crumbling. 

-i knew what we had was real because i didn’t have to dream about you. what i had with you, flaws and all. you were there, and i loved the full complexity of you. i wish our puzzle pieces fit in the end.

-they say love is a choice, and not a feeling. and i chose that everyday. i loved you with an exclamation mark, without pause, that even on my worst days where i only had 20% to give, i gave it to you with no regrets. 

-three weeks ago you told me you loved me and wanted to build a future with me. truly, the hardest part of all of this is feeling the sting that you spent 4 days thinking that you didn’t want this relationship anymore. which words was i supposed to believe up until then?

-i’m the type of person to hold hope in my hands until it burns me, and right now it’s so difficult to let go of that. it’s delusional to think that if you told me you changed your mind after thinking about it more, i wouldn’t even skip a beat.

-it’s so scary to think about the next time i fall in love. what if i fall in love with another abuser? what if love escapes my hands again because i’m too broken to repair? what if i can’t trust anyone anymore?

-i can’t stop thinking about one phrase you said once to me when i was feeling insecure about love. you said, ‘i don’t know if i’ll ever fall in love with you, i don’t know if i’ll ever fall in love with anyone.’ but you did, didn’t you? you did, you did.

-you said in the beginning our relationship was fine, you really thought it could work. you just decide.. you’re not ready? but who is..? I wasn’t ready when i entered the relationship, i wasn’t ready when i fell in love with you, i wasn’t ready to think about the future about who was gonna move where, but i committed to it, loving you was a choice i made everyday even if it was difficult. even if sometimes it seemed like it was hopeless, I believed in my heart that if we took it one day a time, we would be fine in the end.

- It’s a tough pill to swallow to know that fear overtook that feeling. We had so many conversations, it hurts a lot to go back and read our past messages because i keep wondering where it all went wrong, it’s so hard to think that it isn’t partially my fault.

-i chose you, i chose you, i chose you. why did you choose differently this time?

-every time i listen to Blessed i’m gonna think of you. so much music in the various playlists i made for you are gonna be hard to separate. you inspired me to listen to more music and i hope that you start making music again and that heals you in some way.  

-i feel so delusional. tell me this decision was a mistake and we can try one last time. in my heart, i truly believe it can work. i can’t stop hoping that we’ll gravitate towards each other again. someday, some way. 

-the things you thought would put pressure to me,  i thought of it as a challenge i needed. i fooled myself to thinking that this relationship was a lesson for me - because you came at a time when i said i wanted to take risks, be a bolder person. and i envisioned it so clearly; me learning a new language, moving to a different country and exploring myself, it almost seemed like destiny. now i realize how dumb that was and the bleak reality settles in. i’m back to square one.

-don’t listen to me, i’m just too hurt to think straight. 

-i hope that you heal peacefully, with no regret and with full acceptance of yourself. i know it may seem like a stretch right but i want you to face the sun with open arms one day, that you’ll be able to stand in that darkness without a candlelight and you’ve done the hard work to be able to stand up to your demons. i hope the skeletons in your closet turn to flowers.

-whenever i see a sunflower in my path, i’ll think of you and hope that it’s a sign that means you were happy, in that moment.

holy fuck.

winter was my favorite season throughout my life until i held your face in the palm of my hands this summer. now, i wish for endless days this season with you - starving for sunshine showers and lots of tall sunflowers; for stealing kisses in between all these coffee hours. you have me feeling lovesick with no intention of finding a cure. you have me wishing that we couldn’t run out of time - that we ran with time together. 

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woops another word vomit about how i feeeeeeeel because i have no other place to post this so i guess it has to be here huh. so firstly, it’s weird, right? i’ve never been in love with anybody who i wasn’t in a relationship with prior. but you really crept under my skin here. i mean we’ve technically been friends for a few years even though we didnt really speak till a couple months ago and stayed friends till the last month when I realized i’m.. in love with you????

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even though you’re halfway across the world, you feel like home, honestly. you really do. i love how you wait for me to be safe and at home and tell me, ‘welcome home’. i love so many things about you. i’ve memorized the way your hands look when you tie up your hair. your hands tell so many stories of hardship, of struggle, of a past that forced you to grow up and take care of your family sooner than most kids -- and yet they’re so fucking gentle??? it really makes me cry because you’re such a fierce protector and you’re so loving. i dont know what else to do but with honest with you. even though sometimes our personalities clash and we have tense moments, each time i feel so much closer to you. i love how humble you are, how introspective and quiet and wallflower-ey, how observant, how soft. you are so soft. that day we visited the gardens, you smelled each flower, you literally stopped to smell each flower and appreciate nature and we could have spent hours there, maybe. whereas other people rushed me and wanted to take scenic pictures, you really paused and took it all in. i still remember your face when you smelled a flower and exclaimed, ‘hey, this smells like sweden!’ i’ll never forget the way your eyes lit up like that. i love the way you talk about your family -- the way you admire your mother and the way you’re so close to your brother. i love the way sometimes you slightly mistranslate english words in Swedish. i love the way we’ll say pet names in different languages. 

i used to hate the nickname baby until i met you, and now i just say it all the time??? every time it rains i think of you. i wish you were here because i’d really move oceans to be with you, and i’ve thought about this hard. i guess i didnt know it before until i realized you’re the first person i think about when i wake up, you’re the last person i want to talk to before i sleep, and you make me feel like im in a room full of sunlight every single day. and we weren’t even together lmfao. its so sincere, it’s pure, and i guess thats why im not afraid of loving you?? because throughout these months our friendship has been so stable and borne out of caring about each other so much that we didnt realize we can be so much more.