In Time We All Forgot And We All Grew

I said in my voice that feels far away, in a voice that sounds almost optimistic, and mismatches my sad dead eyes.

The years cannot be erased.

The worst times and every time I begged for change that came just barely too late, every fight and bruises and all of the pain cannot be erased.

The days of blinding happiness, the touches that felt like home, the feeling of being able to be more genuine than I’ve ever been in my life, cannot be erased.

And mourning you, mourning us, is a lonely feeling. Lonely through shame, because after what I found out about you, I am not sure I ever really knew you. And everyone is so fast to erase all the good when a new piece of information taints the legacy.

It’s over, and there was many times that I think we both wished it was over, but now that it is the world feels hollow.

There’s regret that is misplaced, without the mistrust built over the years we may have never got here, I may have lived in ignorance for a while longer, I may not have this weight on my shoulders. It’s crazy to want to live a lie, it’s crazy to have preferred ignorance.

The track had straightened, the circle we had gone in for so long seemed to finally open up like the track was switched and there was a way forward, but it was just the end of the ride.

People will think I’m crazy for still hoping you will be okay, hoping you will start up the train again, after I’ve stepped off of it, and continue on whatever track you can make from here. I don’t know what a track is anymore, but I go through the motions.

I wish we had been better for eachother, I wish you had been a better man. I wish that the future wasn’t so terrifyingly empty, but here we are. All we can do is keep walking forward, but now it’s different. We are walking alone.

“You can’t erase the years” and I don’t think I’d want to. What is grief if not love preserving? I have grown in ways I wouldn’t have, I’ve learned and cried and broken and picked myself back up. I cannot regret the years that while they brought such immeasurable hurt, also brought incredible happiness and memories I wouldn’t trade. I thought I had no line, I thought I was such mush in your hand that I was just along for the ride, I found my line.

I keep a straight face and an unwavering voice but after we speak I get sick to my stomach, most would say it’s because of what you’ve done, but I think it is more of the absolute crushing weight of knowing that we are done. Knowing that we did not go the distance, knowing that things are different now.

If you want to tear my world apart, just say you’ve always wondered

I’m the closest to the bottom I’ve been in a while, but it feels only neck deep, I can keep my face above water, I’m not drowning, it’s just becoming hard to keep above the waves.

My grandmother, marion, her birthday. She’s been dead for so long.

It’s 2:30am and I’ve gotta be up at 6:30 to do my daughters hair for elementary graduation, I get to go to sleep next to my match, even if he’s as difficult as I am sometimes, I’m living my dreams and gardening and seeing Taylor swift in concert twice in 2 months.

There’s a letter you’ve never read in my notebook, and there’s love for everything that led me to this place, it’s hard to remember the good times so I plead with myself to write them, the hard times are dark and stormy and gray but the sun shines so bright, even when it’s dark outside

Is it insensitive of me to say get your shit together so I can love you?

I used to hide everything, and keep myself small to feel safe.

You made me so safe, I grew and grew and got so loud and truthful that you grew to hate me for it.

Man’s now I find myself trying to shrink back, to find my patience for you again, to soften my tongue that became sharp from being so comfortable that suddenly things that I would never consider expressing upset about were the biggest things. When all of my worries got smaller it made them all look larger next to eachother.

When people see my post about how wonderful you are, they don’t see me mentioning you posting me and your angry face saying “why would I do that?”

January 4th - the day I had a doctor look me in the eye and tell me that you were real, and that my loss is real, for the first time 👼

January 28th - my loves birthday

February 14th - the day the man who taught me my worth broke my heart for the first time

March 12th - he broke my heart again, and shortly after my love affair with cocaine began

July 16th - the day I would’ve should’ve met my first child

July 30th - my best friends birthday. My soulmate. My other half.

August 17th - my birthday

August 30th - my first loves birthday, I haven’t said it to him in 2 years

September 4th - the day I should’ve met our baby.

October- when I gave my virginity to someone who didn’t know me, didn’t deserve me, and would never speak to me again.

November 3rd - our daughters birthday

November 4th - the day I lost my first

November 5th - I took my SATs half asleep while miscarrying

November 29th - the day we realized the rest of our lives was meant for eachother

December 30th - when I found out that we were going to have a baby

December 31st - when I realized we were not going to have a baby

I would rediscover all forms of myself

I think if I lost you

I would have the gruesome chest piercing and the dagger script “JUSTE COMME MOI” on my lower back

I would tell the people I sleep with that my mother was insane, and if they had the curiosity to translate the tattoo they’d know she’s “just like me”

I would be older now, and wiser, and I would love all my sharp edges, and how they fit perfectly with all my soft curves.

I think that although I am crazy, and there are jagged knives that protect the worst parts of me, that all of them are perfectly okay.