original son of liberty

It’s weird having five thousand friends and only one that will help you move.

I love social media. It ruins lives, but not mine.

I’m shallow and I’m friendly.

I’m moist right now.

You just manually rub blood on it.

People have sex dolls, but they don’t bring them out in public.

Wear a raincoat.

I’m very street, [name]. You don’t know me.

I’m breaking up with someone after this, and I have to figure out a time to meet.

I’ll go to porn hub or whatever and I’ll type in ‘girl running through warehouse scared’.

The fact that that didn’t get a bigger reaction is the problem.

All I’d like to say is fuck that dude.

I’m just tired of being overlooked.

You literally just took a fucking taco shell and put spaghetti in it.

Full disclosure: I came in here with diarrhea. 

Why in the fuck are you driving to Sacramento?

It’s like Jeopardy! but with real jeopardy.

The one thing missing from my GPS was a strong opinion on Brexit.

If machines do become self-aware, I’ve got some serious explaining to do to my electric toothbrush.

I wanna grow up to work in a cat cafe.

I don’t trust AI because I don’t trust organic intelligence and we’re the ones that make ‘em and we’re stupid.

I talk to Siri. She understands. She’s the only one who understands.

Have we checked to see if [name] is a robot?

I’m gonna show you four pictures. You need to tell me which pictures contain a stop sign.

It sounded scary and then she started talking about pizza and then I started daydreaming about pizza so I stopped paying attention. I just want pizza.

What sounds more fun to you? A robot uprising or a robot orgy?

I love when Whole Food comes in because then I can steal from the hot bar.

I love paying $15 for some simple eggs at brunch. I love it. I’m here for it.

I don’t want soul food with like…mayonnaise in it.

I can only hear about kale so many times. I get it. Kale. Kale.

Who leaves their house for a bowl of cereal?

You’re friends with my kid, not with me. Don’t look at me. Don’t talk to me. Get out.

I’ve got pitbulls, but it’s not what you think. I use them for fighting.

I brought them inside and dyed their tails and now they’re fancy.

You look like a hipster, crime-fighting duo.

If you see a mustachioed man riding a unicycle in your neighborhood, contact the relevant authorities.

Basically, old people are a terrible burden.

I’m disgusted and disturbed by the presence of the elderly.

I wanna know what kind of old lady Britney Spears turns into.

I’m two years away from playing Corpse #5 on CSI.

I want my pool, bitch.

I guess I’m wearing my adult diapers wrong.

That is so mean and so funny. I hate how funny that is.

We have to close the state of Florida.

The good news is: that guy’s dead.

There’s a lot of strategy in avoiding playing chess.

I don’t want kids. I don’t like ‘em. They’re sticky and they’re nasty and now they’re trying to take my money.

So I made the right decision, not becoming a porn actor?

I was selling my socks to anybody who asked.

Maybe you’ll want to spend a little bit of that extra money buying me a drink.

If you’re going to convince me global warming exists, you gotta first convince me science exists.

I’m not friends with dummies.

Unpopular opinion, but someone has to say it: polar bears needed to lose weight.

Nobody’s taking that from me. Not you. Not science. Not India. Nobody.

The Mile High Club makes it sound glamorous, but what they’re really saying is we had sex in a chemical toilet.

I don’t wanna be cremated. Just shoot me into space.

But if we do nothing, Florida goes away? Alright.

If I wanted to be miserable and complain all the time, I’d still be married.

Nobody wants your DVD player.

I have no experience with guns except the tickets to the gun show you keep selling me. I’m starting to believe there is no gun show.

Women don’t do mass murder, they just kill one dude. Slowly. Over time.

I enjoy a man who anticipates a crime by showing up dressed for the trial.

Auto-erotic asphyxiation sounds like a good way to go.

I wish to die as I lived, and that is making it awkward for my family to explain what I do.

You know what, someone’s got to die.

I accidentally wanted to get high.

I had my wisdom teeth out, and by wisdom teeth out, I mean boob job.

I would call my dad and ask if I knew where he was.

I love the idea of a bunch of super high Mormons going door to door.

The worst day of my life was when my gynecologist told me he was also a DJ.

I’ve found if you put “late stage” in front of a word it makes it sound worse.

Since I’ve started earning money, I’ve become a lot less attractive to men. And that’s fun.

I wanna buy a dog that looks like an eyeball and a giant sneeze house.

If money was no object, I’d love to eat a panda.