Fire Birds and Phoenix's

So today, I went to lunch with 2 friends, this is something we do every now and then. We met at Crossfit a few years ago and hit it off and none of us go anymore but still stay in touch and get together. Our lives are crazy now as well compared to what they were when we all met. One of the guys is now engaged and and just bought his new house with his mrs (to be) and is moving in the next 2-3 weeks. The other guy is always crazy with work as he works in the film industry and is always being sent all over the place. 

The guy who works in the film industry... we’ll call him Mercedes and this is because he’s just bought a Mercedes and sent me photos and stuff the day he got it and was super excited. The other guy, we’ll call Watch because he’s a watch designer/maker. 

So.. I’ve basically had a crush on Mercedes since I met him. Legit, there was just something about him when I met him and it’s always been there. Part of me think it’s most probably lust more than anything.. the whole.. what would it be like kind of thing. So when he got his new car I was still in hospital as I’d just had major back surgery (this was 5 weeks ago) and he said when I’m out and able to move about that he’d come pick me up and take me for a ride. 

Which he did today. We were organising lunch on Thursday just gone for today and we were trying to decide on where to go, I said as I’d just started driving again, ideally no where too far for m to drive. Mercedes straight away chimed in and said no and that he’d pick me up. So he went out last night with his best friend into London and then this morning I texted him my address and what not. He came by and picked up me, showed me the car.... goddamn it’s soooo snazzy! Like super nice and has all sorts and gadgets and stuff. Was a lush ride to lunch and felt super fancy ahaha. 

Lunch ended up being like 4.5 hours and then we walked back to the car. 

My issue is, I’m 99% sure he’d have/has no sexual feelings towards me as I’ve met one of his ex’s and know what his other ex looks like, etc. and that he takes all his dates to one particular place in London (which is lame and I’ll tell him that at some point don’t worry.. he needs to get a new date place) and I've never been one of those dates and he’s never asked or given any real hints for a date (that’s I've noticed) but basically... I think I’m friend zoned.. in fact.. I know I am. 

We go lunch/dinners, and we go swimming and movies and just hang out. We’re waiting for the local leisure centre to open their pool back up and for my back/cut to heal as well so we can go swimming again as this is something we used to do every weekend which was lovely. we’d legit plan to spend like 40 mins heavy swimming and always end up spending like 2 hours in the pool chatting away and swimming.

I’m just whinging to be honest and just wanted to put into words my feelings and that I have absolutely nooooo self convince... haven’t been on a date in about 6 years now, haven’t had a boyfriend in like 6-7 years (been with 2 guys in those 6-7 years and neither had a date.. was just a thing, I'd met them through people then yeah)..

I’m sooo fucking scared of going on a date because I don’t want people to see me and then notice the size of me and that I’m not pretty or skinny or attractive or anything and then yeah.. just, fuck. I'm so unexperienced in a lot of my love/sex life and it’s become a massive issue as I've gotten older and I just don't know what to do. 

I'd really like to have a partner. I always thought I would have a partner by now and either be planning or have already had a family by now as well.