โYouโve forgotten about how our first run in in Wildemount went already, have you?โ But there was no malice behind his tone. Maybe that was ~character growthโฆ~ how he could look back on Mal slamming him up against a brick wall a with a hint of nostalgia.ย โI donโt blame you.โ
He followed Malachi to the kitchen, leaning against the wall,ย โThings havenโt been easy on you either, I understand that.โ A pause, gentle exhale escaping from between his lips,ย โIโm not trying to be a nag. I just know she views us differently.โ He pressed a hand to his chest, short laugh falling from his lips, โShe calls me coach. our relationship is a bit more academic, for lack of better term.ย Youโreย her friend. Not just a mentor.ย โย No, thank you.โย
Meeting then holding Malachiโs gaze at the question, one shoulder lifted into a half shrug,ย โOur relationship was built on the foundation of me chasing after you and for what? Loving someone? Wanting more? Those are pretty bullshit reasons to punish someone.โ He ran a hand over the side of his face,ย โโฆI wonโt go into detail but, uhโฆ I realized recently that we arenโt as different as I thought we were. And that Iโve hurt a lot of people โ you, the one person I care about, shit, myself, even. Iโm going to have to stop compartmentalizing and actually work through that self harm eventuallyโฆโ Today was not that day, โI didnโt deserve what happened to me, fine, but you didnโt deserve what I did to you either. What we did up there was suffocate people and then get angry when they looked for air. Like hands around your neck were meant to be a blessing. Itโs frankly embarrassing how long it took me to realize how wrong I was. Iโm sorry it took me this long. Iโm sorry it took remembering that something happened to me to realize that how wrong this was instead of justโฆ Trusting you. I should have just listened.โ He cleared his throat,ย โLike I said. Iโm not going to stand here and expect you to accept this. Iโm not entitled anyoneโs forgiveness. But you had to know before we embark onโฆ Whatever this mission to take Heaven back is together. And that I mean it sincerely, despite our differences. Thatโs all.โ
Malachi shrugged.ย โYou are the angel who took my memories from me, Raziel, what were you expecting? A hug, a kiss and a handshake?โ He gave him a look, he wasnโt quite ready to forgive him for that.
He put the cup away and just made himself a cup of coffee instead as Raziel spoke of Michele, he sighed softly.ย โI know, as I said, I will invite her over and talk about things. Iโm not avoiding it, you know? Iโm trying my best because I didnโt ask for any of this.โ Mal put his cup down a bit too hard on the counter.ย
โYes it is because you followed orders blindly without pausing to think hey maybe it fucks him up. Because of you, I have no idea who I am!โ He pointed at himself with an heavy sigh.ย โIโve had to put my life back together since coming down here, I have no idea what I did before now because itโs all one giant blank. Do you know how that feels, Raziel? Not knowing who you are besides some soldier who runs on automatic?โ he shook his head a little.ย
โI canโt forgive you, Raziel. As for this mission, I canโt do anything right now.โ He took a step back.ย โWhat am I supposed to do? Shout at them from down here? Itโs not going to work. I need to take a step back and put the brake on this plan while I figure myself out.โ plus, leaving peyton down here wasnโt something he was overly fond of thinking about.