hcrv

The abortion is done. It was painful. It was way more painful than I could have imagined it would be. It was sweaty and hot and uncomfortable and felt like forever. I didn’t think it would hurt that bad. The pain made me understand how painful things could be. I don’t know if I want to give birth. I held a volunteers hand the entire procedure and wiggled my toes. They said 30 more seconds and I didn’t think I could do it. 

I almost passed out afterwords. I was so dizzy I had to lie back down immediately. Everyone at planned parenthood was so kind though. 

I had a UTI while I was pregnant a few times. I had a UTI while aborting. I have a UTI now. It won’t go away. I also have a yeast infection. I’m also very sad.

The abortion happened on Tuesday. I skipped classes on Wednesday too. We had a halloween party at our house on Saturday. A bunch of us decided to roll. I was in a bad mood the entire day, and then one person dosed before the rest of us and right when I saw him I got really excited. I took .15, and it was great for about 2-2.5 hours and then I started to come down. The same thing happened last time. I should probably wait a longer time before I roll again, like until February. It was still nice. Giant cuddle puddle at my boyfriends house with like 10 of us rolling and some of our other close friends there. We all went to the party for a few minutes but it was super crowded. People were shoving and yelling and the police were circling so we left again and went back to the cuddle puddle.  I came down before everyone else last time too. It was still enjoyable. 

I did whippits on the come down for the first time. I saw a lot of triangles on the singles. I did one double and had a very strange experience. It was like I was stuck in this place and I heard someone saying “this is what they’re trying to figure out, this is where you’re supposed to be.” Like I was stuck inside my mind and it was very nice. I won’t do whippits again because they’re dangerous and too much fun. 

The day after I was feeling a molly hangover. My roommates found coke when they were cleaning after the party. So we all did coke. I had never done it before. I wouldn’t do it again. I liked it, it’s a lot like adderall. The coke made me want to take adderall, so I took 15mg. Then a few hours later I took 15 more. I want to stop. 

It’s been a while. I’m 19 now. Second year of college. I have a boyfriend. I’m also seven weeks pregnant

How? I remember the exact moment it happened. He wasn’t my boyfriend yet at the time, but we had been hanging out for a while. I had been very adamant about the use of protection, I told him repeatedly I would only have sex if there was a condom. We were both drunk, I said no glove no love, he got a condom and we had sex. I fell asleep, he woke me up and wanted to have sex again,  I didn’t really want to, I told him that, but he was way drunker than I was. Eventually we ended up having sex. We had had sex multiple times previously and I always make it clear that we need a condom, we had already had sex once that night, I figured I wouldn’t need to say it again, I just assumed he was wearing a condom, why wouldn’t he be?

After he pulled out I looked down and I realized there was no condom. I instantly panicked inside. I couldn’t say anything. I froze. I just laid on the bed stiff with anxiety. I tried to close my eyes and go to sleep. I couldn’t. I got up and left. I walked home. I took a shower and I cried. 

I did nothing, I didn’t know what to do. Two days later I went to my school’s health services to try to get the morning after pill. I got there at 4, the nurse clocked out at 4. It was a Friday and they wouldn’t be back until Monday. They told me to get it at the drug store. I couldn’t afford a $50 pill, I needed my free university health services. I never got the pill. I just crossed my fingers.

A week or two later I started breaking out and I didn’t know why. I panicked and bought a ton of vitamins. I started taking antibiotics for my skin but it wasn’t helping. I had no idea what was going on. I started sleeping all the time. I was constantly tired. I told my friend I think I should get tested for mono. I noticed I was craving food that I didn’t normally like much.

I missed my period, but I know my cycle changes when I start having sex after not having sex for a while. I figured it would come next week. Next week I figured it would come next week. Next week I said if it doesn’t come tomorrow I’m going to take a pregnancy test. I took a test. It said to wait 5 minutes, but within seconds a cross appeared indicating that I was pregnant. I hid it under my bed and got stoned and cried. 

I scheduled an appointment and drove 3 hours to planned parenthood. They were extremely nice and there was no charge. The test came back positive again. I cried. I made an appointment for an abortion two weeks later (this upcoming Tuesday).

A few days ago I told my boyfriend. I wasn’t planning on telling him, but I did. I was very scared. I didn’t know how he would react. I don’t know him that well at all. We’ve only been officially dating for a week. He ended up being really supportive and kind. He brought me candy and juice. 

As I said earlier, I was so tired I thought I had mono. I’d go to class and come home and sleep. Sometimes I slept through class. I normally stay up without sleeping to do school work, but my body wouldn’t allow me to. I didn’t know why I was so tired or what was wrong. I’ve also had multiple UTI’s during the past seven weeks. The first one I dealt with by drinking a lot of water and ACV. I thought it went away, and then it came back a few days later. I just got another a few days ago. Apparently pregnant people might be more susceptible to UTI’s? (For those who don’t know, UTI’s can be extremely painful. Mine involved me sitting on the toilet for hours not being able to pee, but every time I stand up I think I’m about to pee.) I can’t go to class somedays with a UTI, because I often start crying from pain. 

I also started getting morning sickness recently, which I was very upset to find out it wasn’t just in the morning. I would start feeling nauseas in the morning, feel like throwing up but not able to throw up because I haven’t ate anything because food is so unappetizing. I try to eat but food makes me gag and I end up not being able to swallow. I try to force myself to eat something later in the day. 

My teachers hate me. The day I found out I was pregnant I cried and didn’t go to class or do homework. Then fall break started and I did nothing the entire break but sleep and confirm my pregnancy with PP. I’m 19, I’m pregnant, I feel alone and scared and I don’t know what to do. 

I tried to get my life together the week after (this week). I turned in some of my assignments, went to see the campus counselor, went to health services. I want to tell my professors that I just need a little extra time. One of my professor seems to really dislike me, she is pestering me as to why I turned in my paper late? Why wasn’t I in class? Why am I going to miss class again next week? She even went so far as saying maybe I should drop out. 

I cried reading the email. I want to tell her I’m trying, I’m just pregnant and I’m dealing with it and I’m going to be gone for an abortion and I might feel really sick from it. But I can’t say that. My professor has told the class multiple times that she is catholic. I don’t want to risk her hating me even more because it’s not very catholic to have an abortion.

I want to tell all of my professors. “Hi Professor --,  I’m sorry I’ve been absent and missed xyz assignment. I’ve been pregnant all semester, and it’s been making me feel very sick. I’m hoping I will start to feel better soon. I’m trying hard to catch up. Thanks, --.”

But you just can’t do that! Abortion is such a stupid controversial thing and I just can’t tell them. I can’t do anything really. Health services can’t write me a note for everything. It’s just a big situation that has been effecting the entirety of my semester. This trimester is ruining my semester. 

summary- finished my first official year of college and living in the dorms. Since I have so many credits I’m already considered a senior though. I’m 19 now? I don’t remember if I ever posted that. Things are good mostly, school went really well and I ended up meeting genuinely really great people who I can call my best friends. 

Officially out of the dorms and got a house with five others! 

I’m still vegan (over 3 years now!) and i’m also gluten free now (which helps a lot with skin). I’m actually logging in because I’ve been feeling really confused about being vegan lately. --- I used to go fishing all the time, and I stopped when I became vegan. I’m not going to lie, I was feeling really low the past week and was at the point where I said “I don’t care anymore, no one in my family accepts me being vegan and none of my friends care, why do I care? I want to stop caring.” and so I went fishing for the first time in three years, and I thought it would be fine and my mother was really happy and the whole time I was just feeling awful. I caught a perch and the hook was swallowed really deep, and I couldn’t get it out. The perch started bleeding all over my hands and his big perch eyes were bulging out of his perch face and it was just screaming at me like “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” and I had to cut the line with the hook still inside. I’m sure the perch is dead. I was covered in blood and started crying and realized that there is no way I can just stop caring, I tried and it was terrible. I felt terrible. I spent the rest of the weekend laying on a paddle board in the shallows watching fish swim by. 

I told my mother I’m never fishing again (again) (she doesn’t get it still?)

I’m still considering myself vegan for over 3 years, this was just a terrible not vegan thing that I did that I have learned from. I don’t feel like hiding it.

TW ED+

i am not cute enough

everyone is so cute

my mom drank and she was screaming at me. i really want to go back to school. She still doesn't believe in mental illness. She was telling me my aunt who died of anorexia and bulimia just wanted to be thin and there was nothing wrong with her and it was her fault and it makes me so sad because she will never understand how hard this is.

have not purged. when i thought i needed to i just breathed through it and now i'm just really sad laying in bed.

i'm really sad because i feel like i'm just always depressed and i ignore it by doing a lot of stuff and making sure i'm busy enough to not think at all. and now that i'm on break i have less to do and i can't stop being sad. and it's especially bad when i'm around my family. that makes me sadder because they're supposed to care and they've never cared.