ratchet melancholy

So I've been struggling with something for like the longest time and I feel shitty and kind of stupid vocalizing it but I've dealt with it all my life and don't think I will ever not struggle with it. And it is the fact that black women are typically considered the least attractive demographic. Couple that with the fact that I'm a dark skinned black woman that's a bit "thicc" and here you have me at the bottom of the totem pole and I think about it and it's so depressing. Like I know I'm beautiful inside and out or whatever but I also have to reconcile the fact that the majority of men aren't physically attracted to that and it sucks. Which is why I think my dating experience is as limited as it is. And while I may have potentially avoided some shitty hookups and encounters in the back of my head I'm just like how much of that was by choice. I'm constantly thinking one of three things: 1) do they not like me because I'm black 2) do they like me because I'm black 3) do you they like me despite the fact I'm black I've had all three happen in some form or another. I write this because I struggle with it everyday and just want to know if any black women struggle with this as well? Cause it makes me feel sad and lonely and so incredibly shitty idk

Hi guys should I start using this again...?

I've been so content lately I hope it never stops!!!

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Should I die before I wake, That's one black life cops didn't take.