Forgiveness is Not a Requirement of Recovery
Before anyone attacks me for saying this, yes I am aware that forgiveness does not mean reconciling or forgetting about an abuser as many people believe. However, actually forgiving someone (letting go of the anger/resentment/bitterness) isn’t always the best step towards recovery.
People are not machines. There is no one size fits all when it comes to recovering from trauma/ abuse. While forgiveness may help some people towards recovery, it doesn’t apply to everyone.
For the most part, people who seem to push forgiveness on trauma victims seem to fit into two sometimes overlapping categories: they have no understanding of how abusive relationships work, or they believe forgiveness is a requirement of their religion.
First, I’d like to address that someone’s religious beliefs are absolutely no excuse to push forgiveness onto a trauma victim. In fact, this is a great way to push that person out of your life. What religious people sometimes forget is that in many cases, abusive parents will use religion to justify abusing their children. Some examples are:
Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
Honour thy father and mother; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.
Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.
When you push bible verses (this applies to other religious texts as well) onto abuse survivors in order to urge them to forgive their abusers, you can easily step into the same tactic used by abusers. Spitting bible verses at a victim in order to get what you want is inherently abusive.
Second, I find it quite unnerving how people with no idea of what abuse victims go through feel that they know what is best for the victim. Many people assume that a person cannot recover from abuse without forgiveness. Personally, I haven’t forgiven my abuser, and I never will. However, I am still making great steps in my recovery.
What I really wished people would do is consider the reasons why a victim might not forgive their abuser, instead of just pushing forgiveness onto people. Not forgiving the unforgivable does not turn someone into a bitter, cold person. Abuse survivors are some of the most caring people I have ever met. There are so many valid reasons a victim may choose not to forgive their abuser, which may actually help them in their recovery.
A great example of this is manipulative abusers who constantly force their victims to “forgive” them. Can you imagine being hurt over and over again by someone, only to be punished for showing anger or bitterness towards them? For many people in recovery, choosing not to forgive their abuser helps them recover by giving them the power to say “you hurt me, and I am angry. I am allowed to be upset when someone hurts me.”
Being angry at someone is perfectly healthy! What many people don’t realize is that the ability to express anger, sadness or resentment is something abuse victims have to learn. After all, how can you recover from abuse if you aren’t able to express your pain in the first place?
Not to mention, forgiving an abuser can cause someone to place themselves right back into an abusive situation. If a victim forgives their abuser, it gives the abuser the perfect opportunity to start their abuse all over again. Is a victim expected to forgive this abuse over and over again? Don’t forget, abusers are the ones intentionally hurting their victim. Victims don’t owe their abuser forgiveness.
If forgiveness is one of your goals for recovery, I have absolutely nothing against that. However, it is never okay to judge someone or pressure someone into forgiving their abuser. Period. If you are pushing someone to forgive when they have clearly stated they are not interested in forgiving them, you are siding with the abuser in the victim’s eyes. Abuse victims don’t need to be controlled, or told what to do. If you truly care about the victim, you will respect their decision. Remember, you can’t love and control a person at the same time.
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