Rant To The Void

And here I thought my golden snitch was dead to no return. I’m not even out of the house. Maybe wait a little bit until I’ve got my own place, would you??

I’m so alive I could run into the streets screaming ‘She’s not dead everyone!’ I’m not broken I just had leave a narcissist. It was never about me.

Today he asked me how much coffee I’ve had already and I told him to never ask me my age, or how much coffee I’ve had. Just for the fun of conversation. We laughed. I then said I had a lot and my heart hurts from it a little. We laughed again and then went our separate ways. When I was almost at the door to my office he called after me ‘Víš že tvoje srdce je sval. Musíš ho cvičit’.

I will never have to listen to his harsh swearing. I’ll never have to serve him any way ever. I will live for me and my family. He will never make me believe that things he did never happened and I made them up again. No more angry man in my home when denied intimacy, blaming me for everything that gets damaged, his own laziness and unsucess, no more trying to say everything perfectly so that he would understand right away and not get angry.

There’s so many things that come with this decision and most of them free me. I will get to sleep how much and when I want to. I will get to choose where I put my things. I will have quiet evenings. When I’m sick I will get uninterrupted rest. I will do my laundry only and wash my dishes and clean my mess and never have to beg anyone to chip in. I will buy my own food and not feed a man from my own pocket. I will buy furniture that is not gray and ‘getlemany’. My sheets won’t be yellow and smelly after three days.

It’s Love that got me here. To this city I live in today. Yet my love for her has gone away. Since then I have loved someone else who made me want to run from this place. But I couldn’t do it. I wanted to witness his life even when he did not want to witness mine. What if one day, he would wake up and think of me. He’d come running to me and I would not be there. What if. But if never came and even IF did come, it would not mean good news for me. Except I did not know it back then. I wished for IF. I longed and my longing destroyed me.

I know of two girls my age from my hometown who said screw it and are intentionally single. Got themselves apartments and just live in peace. I feel like they are the first ones to do it in this small town, this age, with no kids, no ex husband. Just traumatized. I’m so glad we can do this now.

I need to do it too. I mean, I’m scared of being alone but aren’t I already? All these days and nights spent watching him play video games, all his selfish decisions, all the time I spent cooking food, cleaning, grocery shopping. Just for him to yell at me like a maniac.