haven’t been here in a while.
There is so much pain, hurt, suffering, and despair within me. People keep telling me that it always gets easier with every day that passes by. I’m here to tell you today, that after 6 months, it has gotten harder every single day. It hasn’t been much easier to get out of bed. I have no motive to act, move, or the confidence to look someone in the eye to tell them I’m remotely “okay”.
It’s like someone pressed a reset button in me, and the only thing keeping me going every day is my daily routine that has put me on autopilot. If I even remotely started thinking for a second, I will, without a doubt, shut down completely.
Not a day has passed by where I haven’t thought about it. You can try to tell me what to do, or even give me advice about how to treat my situation. “Give it all up to God, move forward, be a better you, etc.” But the truth of the matter is, when God teaches you to love someone, more than you love yourself, and that is exactly what you do. Only to be rejected, pushed away, and denied. It is the most heart wrenching thing, I believe, can occur to a human being.
I can sit here and describe the things that went wrong, my regrets, my past repeating itself. But at the end of the day, I’m in pain.
I am at this weird stage where I have completely run out of tears to cry, and my body hates that fact. I completely loathe the day where I fall in love again, only to be so fearful of the fact that I’ll be broken into pieces again. Or even the fact that I will be so scarred, that the last person I will ever love, won’t even receive the love that they deserve.
To end this rant, love doesn’t hurt. Rejection, denial, the lies, the loneliness, the promise of a future that will never be, is the true hurt.
Who knew that finding that someone who can love you unconditionally was so difficult. To be able to look past your faults, mistakes, and short-comings. If only I can truly find that someone who embodies Jesus’ true definition of loving without fault.