bleh

I think this world isn’t ever about the finished product it’s about the creative process along the way. The end painting never matters without the small triumphs and reworks and thought process behind it, the poem never hits deep without the learning and emotions behind it. The artistry and beauty of life is in the doing, a cup of tea tastes great but the small respite from everything else in the world while you make it is almost more beautiful, or at the very least it makes the tea taste better for your own appreciation and sense of accomplishment. Who and what you are when you die really doesn’t matter. It’s everything you’ve done along the way that leaves an impact.

Every time I’ve been sad before, it was intoxicating. When I was lonely I felt deep. When I was starving myself I felt full. When I was numb I felt like an artist. But this time there’s nothing to be drunk on. It’s confusing and empty. I’d cut myself if I had the energy, die if I had the time, but there’s nothing to want in this.

I hate that I can’t fill you like u fill me it’s wrong that I can take you in ways I can’t give

fuck why is life so much sometimes I’m so tired

I’d fall on the dagger of your love every second of every day. If you were a pill I’d take you every hour and cater to my addiction even if it killed me because I’m nothing without it anyway. I was buried without you, dark heavy soil covered my head and suffocated me until you dug me up and out of the hole and held me while I cried. You held me till I realized I loved you then held me till you realized that you did too.

I love being your woman but sometimes I wish I could be your man. I want to give you what you give me even if I know it wouldn’t be the same because I’d still be myself.

I see god in you, I feel it in your skin and touch. What else could feel so good but heaven? I wish I could fill you the way you fill me, it’s different. To open yourself and take in a warm perfect piece of beauty and love. to feel the connection and lose yourself in the submission and ecstasy of being wrapped and encompassed in your warm body and filled with your firm pleasure. I take you into myself like nothing else, in body and soul I’m yours and I can feel that you’re mine. we’re one thing together and your body and limbs are an extension of my own. I lose myself in the thought of no longer having to be me but getting to be you. I haven’t done the things I regret and I haven’t seen the things I wish I hadn’t because I’m a new thing and it was made only when we joined in love, when I become that I have only ever seen love and your skin and it’s all I ever want to be, reborn with no knowledge of pain or loneliness. just you. I worship you my love, your skin and your way of loving me. You are my heaven.