Phantom Rambles

i don’t want to be so ... for lack of better word...thirsty?

like okay yes i have this crush but it doesn’t even make sense why i have it i mean it makes sense but when you look at it objectively this crush shouldn’t exist but the heart doesn’t listen to the brain.

AND OF COURSE TO TRY TO COUNTERACT ALL OF THIS i’m like trying to find other options but EVERYTHING is so troll and bay area is like hard mode

I hate being irritated.

but I get irritated so damn much.

Changed my tumblr handle so people who know the old one (and don’t follow me) won’t easily guess what the new one is.

This trip is awesome.

It really is.

But, I feel like always, I have no agency. Competition was over, and I felt like I was stuck between two people who wanted to do different things.

And so I went with one, and I would have much rather went with the other.

and of course now, they each have someone to talk to. and i’m just by myself, with no one to rant to about all the awesome music I saw.

i don’t know what I want in life.

i want to get really enriched in music, but it seems like all i care about these days is to get really good. as a result, i feel like my playing has gotten more confined, and less...me. i listened to one of my college recordings.....and honestly, i’m not sure if i’ve gotten better or worse. some things, i’ve definitely am better now....but i don’t feel as free as i did in that recording.

i want to find more meaningful relationships, and perhaps even get try to get a girlfriend. but i’m either hopelessly looking in the wrong places, or develop crushes on people that are clearly taken. i’m too scared to venture or date for fun, and too picky on the type of girl i want to meet. at times, i feel like i want to find the other, and at other times, i’m too selfish to devote any time to anyone but myself.

i want to be a more responsible adult, but i’m constantly neglecting basic duties and am negligent with many tasks.

but at least on the last note, i’m taking steps to be a better person. cleaned my apartment over the weekend, and trying to maintain a better lifestyle.

i guess i need to take more agency in my life. sometimes i feel powerless, or i feel like i’m just living day to day with no real purpose, grasping at meaningless goals such as the next promotion or the next musical repertoire. but goddamn the small times i do take actual agency, i feel really good. i need to do more of that.

so I could ramble about how I’m stillllllll so musically immature....

But I’ll cut the slack. I feel like I’m an embarrassment, but part of me just has to........stop caring. Every setback is just lessons to learn from next time....

So, I don’t even know how to begin....but lately, I haven’t been .... happy.

And maybe the first step to figuring out why is to acknowledge it.

I think there was only one other point in my life where I haven’t been existentially happy, and that happened in middle school. Ever since, I’m just accepted that I’m a happy person. No ifs, no buts, no nothing.

But something lately is unnerving me, and I don’t know what.

I think it boils down to two things.

A) I feel like my life isn’t making progress. I feel like I’m doing the same things at work (Which will hopefully will change as I wrap up this project and bite on something new). Musically, I feel like I haven’t progressed. Adult-wise, I haven’t really matured. And this stagnation....is depressing?

B) I’m way too hard on myself. If I tally the amount of negative thoughts and “put-me-downs” I say to myself in a day, it would probably be staggering. The truth is, yes, I do have a lot I can improve on. But that doesn’t mean I’m worthless or that I’m absolute garbage right now. And while I know, that, I’m finding it hard to believe it. Part of it is that I always want to improve, and my gut reaction to do motivate myself to improve is to say I’m bad. Another part is that I never want to be bigheaded, and I’m afraid that by giving myself positive reinforcement, my ego will inflate to unimaginable proportions.

So what changed from before? I think when I was in school, two things helped. One, there seems to be always be something I was working towards, whether it was the end of a semester, or the bigger goal of graduation. Two, my “positive reinforcement” during that time were grades, as for the most part, I did pretty well academically. (Despite knowing that grades don’t matter too much, it still felt good to do well...)

Just a reminder of two things that happened today

AHHHH lol I’m making a bigger deal that it should be

(keywords: poulenc and snapchat)

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have thought so five years ago.

But when that motif comes in with the cello duet, I can’t help but smile and hold back tears....

why am i getting sad again

just need a reaffirmation that i don’t play b/c i want to get good as the primary reason

i play because it’s fun

never forget

pls

like it’s just so good.

this is going to be the piece where i start rebuilding my repertoire.