nunu

I think, these days, as I have been in my own head about a lot of things I am realising how fundamentally different you are from me. It's not really anything big. Just.. I don't know... I guess I am very rigid in my viewpoints on things, while you are on your own, so whenever I see you believing things to be a certain way, while I believe them to be a completely different way.. I sort of close myself a little. Does that make sense? Me being as reserved and introverted as I am, is consequences of past experiences. So, in a way, I am glad that hopefully you haven't gone through any of that in the past. Just.. be a little less dismissive of it when our views of things don't match? I don't know how to articulate it in a better way lol. What are your thoughts on lgbtq+ community? What are your thoughts on Taylor Swift? What do you think of that bf/soon-to-be-husband of our mutual friend? What are your thoughts on different things? About the no-reservation movement going on? About the new trans bill? About using ai to make art? Like, I want to know properly without making assumptions based on things I keep noticing. Like, are you aware that when you use ai to make that photo it is literally so harmful to the environment? Or you don't know and are just doing it because everyone's doing it? I just know I am hating on people and want to cut everyone off in response to all the despair life keeps throwing at me so I'm looking for reasons to cut contact with every single person lol. Ahhhh I hate being self aware.

The whole schtick with do any job.. why are you being prideful? Just do any job, no matter how less it pays and how toxic the environment is.. it gives boomer vibes. It gives capitalist vibes in that aren't people in power counting on that though? That you would do any job whatsoever? For me, more than being prideful it's that I'm not qualified for it. All around me I see people doing jobs that they are not qualified for.. just yesterday some people from electricity department were at home to check on the solar panel but they didn't even know what to check. There is more solar energy being produced in this country than they have capacity to store because everyone thought let's do any job and lied about their qualifications and no planning was involved before putting money into projects. There are bridges being constructed for years and years that don't work and get destroyed in less than a month of being inaugurated. I know 80% of this is me being an avoidant and a fucking coward lol. Just.. I don't want to be another incompetent bastard doing a job which I am not qualified for and ruining lives. Then again, these days I have decided to be a little shameless and pretend to be qualified for things I have a degree for. That much shameless is probably okay.

These relatives are stressing me out. I told them I do not want to work a job which involves communication skills as the backbone of the whole role but here they are overwhelming me with notifications after notifications of only such roles. And after I ignore all of them because like I literally said I am not looking for that type of job they call me!!! Urghhh. I never asked for your help btw? You offered to help, yourself. Then, instead of giving me a referral like any other person would have, you provide vague Instagram reels advice while trying to force me to take non-tech roles when I literally have finished my mtech a few months ago. Like, what is the point of this degree if I am going to work based on "communication skills" (which btw I do not possess lol). Let me be. I have listened to your vague advice. And I will now work on myself. This is the reason why I literally never ask people for any help. Instead of actually listening to what I need help with, they try to fix the situation. Like, look, all my batch mates got their internship but almost none of them got converted to full-time. Most people are saying the work place is toxic af so they quit. Everyone is literally suffering from it. On top of that, I seriously do not want to land a role which does not suit me in any way. Frankly speaking, none of the corporate bullshit seems doable atm in my mental condition lol but tech roles maybe I'd stuck up and do.. Just so there is some skill that I can build. Non-tech roles seem like hell but worse. Just no. Teaching a child to be confident so that I can put "volunteering" on my resume??? Nooooo. I require someone to make ME confident. What the fuck even? Just the thought of it.. gahhh. I should definitely go ahead and start making stuff.. this is draining life out of me.

All i do is clean the house and organise everything lol. That's how I'm coping with it all. And when there's nothing to do I organise in sdv lol. Cleaning and organising and planning to do things and buying dumb stuff online and baking cakes and pizza from scratch and sometimes stretching and watching trash korean dating shows and ruining my sleeping schedule is how I'm coping with it all.

the stupid apps have caught that I'm sad atm. Literally fuck off.

All this anger I have inside of me because of how all the things they taught me to care about, are the things that don't matter... and now every single thing in life feels like a lie of sorts. What to do with the emptiness of it all? They told me being an honest person meant something.. now every single person is a cheater and a fraud, so my honesty is a liability. They told me having friends wasn't something you did and never let me interact with people as equals.. and now I have no friends. They told me all my efforts were only a reflection of their hard work at forcing me to work hard and now, I cannot get myself to put effort into any thing. All this anger... what do i do with it? All these expectations I have had of life have turned into one disappointment after another. What do I do with it? Have I amounted to nothing just because I'm unemployed? Is it my cowardice to blame the system of this world for failing me? Ever since I was born, life has been a task. It has always been hard to exist. My existence has always felt like it was a burden to my parents. These days they keep saying it too. All the ways in which them and their relatives have shattered me as a person and I am so so angry at them. Them with their high status in society where they pretend to be this happy family. I am sort of glad my unemployment shatters that image of this perfect family they want to portray to the people though. They have failed me in more ways than I can count. I will never stop blaming them for never preparing me for life. I have had to figure it all out on my own. No amount of degrees will fix this. They have always made me feel like failure at life. And now that I am officially it. I am so so angry. All the ways in which I am not enough eats me alive. All the ways I am a coward makes me feel so weak. I don't know if it would be better if I had friends. It has always been super difficult to connect with people and now with all that I know... most people are shitty lol. Ageist, racist, xenophobic, fatphobic, homophobic, transphobic, casteist, colourist, misogynistic, religious, apolitical, ignorant and at worse outright mean. Where are the kind people at? I can use some kind friends who are not delusional about the state of the world. I can use a friend or two lol. Maybe that would help a little.

want to start a YouTube channel:

Want to make a proper project related to my master's specialisation:

Want to learn to play Blue Prince Simon's Theme on keyboard:

Want to finish the paint by number my sister gifted me last year on my birthday:

Want to make my own pomodoro timer because I hate the default windows one:

Want to make a cute little website where I talk about the books I read and movies I watch:

I'm going to start different threads on here to track progress on things that I want to do in hopes that I actually make progress 🙏🙏

Will be entering Shaun The Sheep Universe soon. Very very excited to watch every single thing in chronological order. Hehehe.