a tornado inside & out

And let the world flip a switch &

We can begin to live outside of it.

But it wants to tie me down,

Restrain me and remind me that i like it

It wants my pants on the floor,

And no condom: 'cause it feels better.

It leaves me with maybe money in my pocket.. Until what

& i walk out of the room dressed in it's shame.

"Why do i hate parts of myself but overly love yet worship others?

Is love not an ocean we're all apart of, including ?

Is Love not abundant?

an abyss of vast chronicles?

surface vs. long period waves? 🌊

hate has drowned that former self, &

i have decided to love myself, as ive been programmed not to.. "

"'You're fierce' she said, 4 years later

as i told her i was moving forward

withorwithout company, how selfishly

unwise. to be lonely in this world

~~~but love's no match for me~~~

gave up on my own family

for what; do i yet know my fate

cosmic intellect, can't fake anymore, feel*

&so ill burn all the gifts you gave

to stop wearing your name

to finally hear something

other than your gaze

¬it wont help

ive chosen to go on solo, but for now

at least, it seems ill never rid my being

of your essence, lingering like smoke

feels it may be easier to succumb to

& part of me still wants to

the part ive numbed for so long

though: is it safe to regain reception?

wake from this inception ?

brain damage from conception.

"even withered away love prevails

despite our best attempts to

stop

giving it what it needs:

& when it's leaves shrivel up, fall off..

the stems begin to stand alone in soil

-that's sometimes over,

sometimes under watered-

& it's only sunlight comes thru a window

missing nature, no wind, no rain

& its not as warm as where it's from

originally

so the stems begin to stand alone in soil

change color and lose their wonder

scratch the surface to see if it's alive still

maybe you all told me what you needed

in hints i was deaf to at the time..

panicked and assumed death imminent,

i read instructions thoroughly now

am more careful now

that i see how thoughts are seeds

"I run, blame you

weak barriers, walked around in low-vibrationville

& said it was you, who got in my h3ad

You've done it before, and what would stop you now?

a less than gentle hand, reaching familiarly into

   that space where it builds up,

slowly but steadily.. &it hurts,               but

i like it.

It's a release, the most beautiful one I've found, most painful as well.

No matter how i tried pretending, rationalizing you away

I could feel when id conjure up your memory, &

Laid hands on my own throat,

Massaging years, decades, eons of stifled words.

Fantasizing about potent, effective healings &

Stella, your right side, coming back to life,

So we can finally, adequately embrace..

but when i came, eyes open, no one's there,

I'd just cry for Something I Can Never Have, for the twins, & the pharmaceutical industry: keeping potentially powerful people latent, dormant, and thus

this is not in any way, an excuse, cop out, rationalization, programmed as we are, tampered with, entangled, predisposition in a way, possessed, with passed along traits, never wanted to be this way..

and now this mind, if it gets up atall, mobility devices uncharged waging incontinence, bloody beverages in jars, and i’ve lost my job again start it back up, again & down the list.

there  was a point, near the top, where my foot slipped, again, and  i considered it a sign that i wasn’t ready, yet. and remained in the hole i dug

so proud, so crowded in there surrounded by egotistical lies like:

iii need to be alone, soas not to     h   a  r   m               a   n   y  o  n  e e l s e including inflicting it back on me, tho that was permitted. iiin isolation.. we’ve got the fire aimed the wrong way, tho if you flip it, its a rocket.

they thrive on my self-destruction, tho consume what’s sacred in coils of a battery that never quite fit. didn’t hold a charge well at all. and so it quit. STRIKE soaked in chemicals, and that’s it, so what Kill the virus, Kill me along with it, and you and her and them and call it my good, my god false martyrdom back at it. preventable as old habits. spiders all in the attic.

arms out wid, feelings intensified

caught like magnets to piercing eyes..

inherited lies, trapped inside, pacified

a mind, enwebbed

spider legs & hits of thunder-

thunderous rapture, took her under

too close for comfort

moved to the heart space, stranded

in this strange place, we’ve landed

cant it, seem so abismal,

throw you off kilter,

quick as a splinter

straight to the center 

& your blood seeps in the dirt...

& you question what you heard.. 

kingdom builder, with no filter,

don’t even know what hit her,

or what’s in her,

or what’s for dinner,

just that,

leaves drop in the winter, fall

change part of the path of usall

pain, isolation, too-much-wasted, distract..

please step back,

ive got a bubble with my...

arms out wide, you @ my side,

pointless to hide,

with this lost sense of pride,

&besides

too many have died

and been pushed aside,