3 weeks old.
We’ve officially hit 3 weeks old and I can’t believe it. This would have been around the time she would have been born had she been late like her brother but instead we’ve had 3 whole weeks with her. It’s madness to me that we’ve got to this point. I’m loving the little moments and remembering all the things that come at this point early stage. The constant night wake ups and the fight to stay awake while feeding. The trapped wind causing the grunting and instantaneous to be help at all times. But also giving myself grace to not love every moment. The constant need to be washing and sterilising bottles. The feeding and burping that feels like once finished your starting all over again 10 minutes later. The packing 2 bags full of things just to do the school run or pop to the shop. No more just grabbing the keys and phone and walking out the door. Juggling two children down the stairs and getting them safely into the car. The constant worry about being late after the poop explosion delays your perfectly on time schedule. I love the quiet times in the morning after the bottle when she’s awake and alert and staring at me looking in wonder. I love or the little noises she makes. I love that she finds comfort in me.
I didn’t think having a second child would change me as I was already a mum. Unlike with the massive change in who I was when I had robin. But somehow it’s shifted me again. I feel much more confident in my ability to parent her and look after her. But so much less confident on how to parent both of them together when they both need me. Trying to fight the mum guilt that one of them has to wait for what they need while dealing with the other. I know it does no harm for her to cry for 2 minutes while I get Robin something but the urge that cry creates in me is when I hear it is hard to ignore. Try to split myself in two is a new skill that I have yet to master. But I feel like I’m getting somewhere with it. I’m finding the times to spend with Robin and he’s adjusting to the change in our dynamic. We’ve gone from it always being the two of us to there now being another little person who needs my attention too.
But even through all this a part of me is mourning the fact I’ll never see a positive pregnancy test. I’ll never go for that scan and see a baby on the screen. The baby kicks will never be felt from the inside again. I’ll never have the nervous excitement to meet a new baby that has grown inside me. It’s strange because I never felt quite like this with Robin because I think I knew deep down I would have another but with Avery it just feels like all her firsts are my last. And as much as I know another baby is not on the cards for me a part of me wishes there was and maybe it would make this part a little less bitter sweet.
