From my perspective, it has never been recalling the fights, the breakup, the disappointment over avoidable issues that made me cry. It was remembering the happy moments that were so fleeting, but so special because they were so “normal”. I cut off more than 6 inches of my hair because I wanted to forget how I must have looked with hair all over my face & pillow. Broken hearts retreat to where they can be safe again, locked away for nobody to ever get too close to again… This is the first time i’ll publicly acknowledge this, because I can now recall with absolutely no bitterness or regrets; I went to Mass Sunday and I prayed and said, please God strengthen us, cement our bond, and protect our peace. And I remember thinking, sana umabot sya sa point that he would be comfortable enough to let me be more a part of his world. I made the mistake of speaking about him. In time we healed, and became friends again. Comfortable to catch up over the phone every few weeks or so. So can I be truthful, I hibernated April 7, and listened to this song over and over. I kept to myself and slept most of April 7. And I was proud of surviving. Inayawan nya ko, I’d like to think not me the actual person, but the complicated baggage that comes with having a relationship with me. I realized as much as I want us to be friends, we can’t. There were just too many promises that my heart so desperately wanted to believe in. And continuing the friendship will continue to make me long for what wasn’t meant to be. And maybe this was what this whole experience of trying to love again was meant to teach me, to be HUMBLE that for a man not ready to commit, I WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH. Yes in all honesty, I still pray for someone who can be my strength. I still pray for someone to talk to at the end of a long day, someone who will listen, and someone who will also teach me new things, challenging my mind, and mirroring my values. Someone to pray with and pray for. Someone I can trust with all my fears, someone who accepts my past, and still looks forward to our future. And someone who won’t be tired about love, but will accept, nurture, and treasure what we will share. But then, maybe Parents raised me to stand alone, and own my strength. And maybe the rejection I went through is a blessing, because I needed to feel the hurt, in order to learn to be less selfish and more compassionate, to empathize more readily with those suffering from all kinds of pain. I needed for my love to be declined for me to value those who accept my love with so much gratitude, and I needed to realize this important life truth: True love doesn’t find you, neither do you find it. You build true love together, and you can’t do that when you’re tired, jaded, or weary. Love is built by those who have inspiration, determination, fortitude, trustworthiness, loyalty, courage, childlike faith, openness, enthusiasm, and enchantment with what is, plus all that will be. And love can only make you the best possible version of yourself...
