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HaSO: To a Xenolinguist, Humans Have Really Simple Grammar
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The walls rumbled pleasantly as the decelerators kicked on, and Međimurje lifted nu head from nu pallet bed to glance at the flight log; only a few hours left before docking at the alien space station, the capital of a series uncontacted alien-settled planets and moons. Na was excited, especially because the species had quite the reputation.
Homo sapiens were also known as humans, pseudo-fae, and space orcs, and they could be found in ships across the entire universe. But this particular settlement was extremely large, meaning Međimurje could study the species-specific language dynamics rather than just their vocal range.
Na chose not to bring security—this was a to be a short trip, but na had also heard humans in groups were quite reactive and didn't want to threaten them. Na could only hope they would be accepting of nu presence.
Međimurje peered out of the tiny window with one large eye. Alas, na was either still too far away or the window was facing the wrong direction; na was greeted only by a void of icy stars. With a huff, na went back to sit on nu pallet to go over na mission directive one more time.
Međimurje was extremely proud to be able to call nuzelf a respected xenolinguist—and na had even acquired a research position with the largest Universal Interplanetary Language Regulation Board in the universe.
The main issue with a universal language, in Međimurje's opinion, was the diversity of vocal boxes and communication methods that existed—it was impossible to use a completely mutually intelligible vocal range. To get around that, UIPL only required a species be able to make twenty distinct phonemes and understand a basic vocabulary set. If the phonemes were difficult to reach vocally, then other signals such as claps, waves, or nods could be substituted in their place. Each species had their own, species-specific, variation of UIPL, and if the sounds of one species didn't translate to the hearing range of another, transposers could be used modify the pitch into something each could understand.
Unless, of course, one happened to be one of the most prolific recorders of UIPL variations in one’s star system, as Međimurje was, and did not need to transpose at all. Na, as a bynizaa, was able to produce and receive a truly absurd range of sounds, meaning na didn’t need to rely on translation devices to communicate. In addition, bynizaas had complex native languages anyway, so UIPL was simple to learn in comparison. Na had memorized over a hundred and twelve variations so far, and hoped to add one more to nu repertoire after this trip.
Na was scanning through a few more pages of the mission directive when ping on nu communicator let nu know the ship had docked the space station.
Na went to the airlock to wait for docking procedures to be finished, then for them to be double and triple checked. Međimurje winced as the door hissed open and na was assaulted by the grating cacophony of buzzing lights and utilities that was a constant on the ships of less noise-sensitive species. When na had adjusted enough to focus, na stepped out into a crowd of curious, thin, bipedal creatures. They had craggy faces that were fuzzy at the top, and adorned their entire bodies with fabric. Some skirted closer to nu, others huddled by the wall, squinting in nu direction.
“Hello,” na greeted in the most recognized base variant of UIPL, one that used rapid clicks to conjugate. The word na used was picked very intentionally; its subtext was polite, friendly, and open to correction. Hopefully the humans would take it as such.
“I am Međimurje, bynizaa, na/nu, and a xenolinguist. I believe you were informed I was coming?”
The humans chattered among themselves as they heard nu voice for the first time. Međimurje startled when one shoved the other and, only having two legs, it unbalanced and knocked others down. Na braced nuzelf for chaos when a few let out shrieks as they fell, but they paid nu no mind. Na relaxed slightly and glanced at nu recorder to make sure it was picking up their sounds. Their volume modulated without clear rhythm; also surprising was the physicality of their interactions. Na made a mental note to consider the possibility of them using tactile language modifiers.
Finally, one with mahogany skin and dressed in icy blue fabric stepped forward and spoke slowly.
“Hello, we greet in peace,” the tone was flat, with no conjugation and a very odd word choice. Međimurje marked the inclusive "we" that indicated Međimurje nuzelf was included in the group, which was rudely presumptive of nu internal state, if it had been used intentionally. Nu skin rippled reflexively, but none of the humans reacted. Na was glad of their ignorance of nu body language.
The being continued, “I am Charlie, human, and, wait–” they turned and grumbled to the humans behind themself; multiple got out their handheld translators and flipped through a primitive dictionary function. After a few moments, Charlie faced Međimurje again and said more confidently, “Charlie, human, and they/them. This way,” They bared their teeth at nu and then stomped away. Međimurje was left for a second before na realized na was meant to follow. Na felt the stares of the rest of the crowd on the back of nu neck and shivered again.
As they walked, Međimurje thought on what na learned so far. The humans seemed gregarious, and with only Charlie addressing nu, there was a strong likelihood of social hierarchy. However, Charlie didn't end their introduction with a title or explanation of their role, so Međimurje was unsure of how to refer to them in reference to others or nuzelf.
The humans were also smaller than na expected from the rumors na had heard of violence, but the physicality of the species was still evident. Even as na watched, Charlie grasped hands with several humans they came across and pulled them forward in order to slap their backs and exchange a few words.
After a while, Charlie turned out of the main hall and entered a room with a low rectangular table. Charlie walked around to sit at the far end, but, unsure of the cultural norms, Međimurje hesitated in the doorway. Charlie glanced at the table, surrounded by chairs. They got up to pull a few away from the long side, and went back to their seat.
“You sit, thank you,” Charlie gestured to the cleared area. Bemused, Međimurje lowered nuzelf to the floor by the table. Charlie nodded, satisfied. They stared at each other.
“Well then,” Međimurje attempted to mimic how Charlie spoke in simple present tense, but added a lilting rhythm to convey tone, “I am here on behalf of the UIPL Regulatory Board. I take down phonemes your settlement uses for UIPL and start an official dictionary, along with any unique grammar and deviations that your species uses to make UIPL easier for yourselves. The board tells you this beforehand, but I want to ensure your willing participation. Is this acceptable to you?”
“Um,” Charlie frowned as na spoke and Međimurje excitedly marked down the sound as a species-specific filler, “I do not understand.”
Međimurje hummed and rephrased, flattening the tonality of nu speech to a simple, slow rhythm: “I speak UIPL and you speak UIPL, but we speak in different ways. I am sent to learn how you speak. I write it down so more beings can learn how you speak UIPL and speak to you, too. Ok?”
“Ah! Yes, comprehension,” Charlie nodded vigorously and Međimurje settled nuzelf more comfortably. Na caught nuzelf buzzing sub-sonically as nu brain raced to design experiments to figure out how the cultural and linguistic elements of human speech affected their abilities in UIPL.
Was the lack of conjugation unique to this population? Would they be capable of parsing other species versions of UIPL without translators or transposers? And Međimurje just knew nu colleagues would be aching to figure out how all the physical elements na had seen played into human understanding of communication as a whole.
This was going to be a long session, but a very interesting one.
[ID: digital drawing of a mahogany-skinned human in a blue tunic walking down a sci-fi hall, hands clasped in front of their chest, with a large, plum, six-legged slimy alien wearing a back covering and bag following behind them.]
Currently working on a fanfic where Grace and Rocky are adjusting to Erid again (more like trying to survive for Grace but same difference) and the Eridians have to try and find out how to make him food that won't kill him and they're like:
What do you MEAN this thing functions between the freezing and boiling points of hydrogen dioxide?! What do you MEAN this thing has organs that can detect fluctuations in LIGHT?! It doesn't even need to be touching anything for it to perceive it?! So it can just... function in the vacuum of space without being TOTALLY BLIND?! What do you MEAN this thing takes in HIGHLY FLAMMABLE GAS and turns it into CARBON DIOXIDE?! AND ITS NOT USING FIRE TO DO IT?! What do you MEAN it PURPOSELY oxidizes the fluids inside of it?! And consumes radiation as nutrients?! That KILLS US! What do you MEAN that this thing was ACTIVELY MELTING and BURNING ALIVE from your atmosphere to drag you to safety, and managed to REGAIN CONSCIOUSNESS enough to get itself medical help?! It CANNIBALIZED ITSELF TO LIVE?! It can still be awoken all by itself??? With no help??? And still somewhat function while its actively dying infront of us?!What the actual FUCK did you bring back to Erid?!
As funny as it is that rocky sees grace and complains about grace and humans in general as a terribly inefficient blob of water and fluids and teases constantly...
I REALLY think this should be a relatively rocky-exclusive perspective. He's watched this incredibly stressed human drip all kinds of tears and goos while they were floating around in space, and grace let down basically all of his guard around rocky personally, have discussed and understood eachother over life threatening missions. To Rocky, grace is Grace!
But grace does have some naturally combative push to him (see, the commentary that got him stonewalled in the scientific community in the first place, and being able to keep up with and handle Eva stratt) and further more, when an eridian is Not Rocky, i.e. not incredibly socially withdrawn and traumatized and maybe on their own spectrum of divergence before his ill fated mission and was very susceptible to latching onto a strange and unusual creature in just as much crisis as him...
That is to say. The eridians are going to meet grace with wildly different priorities and expectations. And what they're going to get is a human dangerously close to deaths door, and cornered and dying humans aren't always the most friendly or cooperative and friendly, even the Nicest Humans You Can Get.
So they get a dying human. And as tumblr loves to say, humans are terrifying to aliens, and fuck do they persist. Rocky's so-described "pathetic space blob" grace is terrifying to most eridians, especially the scientists studying him.
He drinks solvent and breaths combustion. Instead of simply dying when his body runs out of nutrients and calorie stores, it has begun to Digest Itself. His body is pumping chemicals they do not understand and every chemistry panel they run shows new levels of new chemicals and hormones. The human body replaces most of its cells constantly because even breathing, especially at a higher atmospheric pressure, is destroying their own lungs.
This thing "hears" things they cannot comprehend and he is unable to describe beyond "color" and "brightness" which are things you can not contextualize, and calls the strangest things beautiful. It has no entirely discernable traits you can understand ecologically as a predator- no armor, no weapons- and yet it eats meat and that is one of the many nutrients it needs to survive. You as a resident of erid do not have many creatures with "eyes" and so have no idea that the strongest mark of a predator is neither claw nor fang, but forward facing eyes, all the better to catch your prey, to meet a foe head on and fearless. You just know it "sees" and that it eats meat, and many other complicated things.
And in place of not receiving all those nutrients, it's body will litterally digest itself and keep going without them. Oh, this new chemical in it's latest blood panel allows it to ignore it's own pain to the point it won't realize it's injured. It can wake up from a dead sleep if you are too loud or too "brightness" around it. It speaks in an archaic graveling noise and is capable of imitating the strangest things, including a haunting near-vocalization of the eridani language of its own, which it calls "singing" and it does this at the strangest of times, when happy and when nervous. It is neither fast nor slow, but over time and observation, you realize this strange towering bipedal creature expends an entirely minimal amount of energy to walk, a process of controlled falling turned mobilization. You hypothesize that for lack of predatory weaponry like claws or sharp teeth, this thing simply evolved to follow you. To "see" you with it's forward facing eyes even in total stillness, total silence, and follow for as long as it takes: it won't spend much energy, and it won't starve waiting for you to exhaust. It'll start digesting *itself* while waiting for it's prey to lay down and have to sleep. It will "watch" you sleep with "eyes." You cannot wake up the way it can, and it will eventually catch up to you.
Also sometimes it cries excess amounts of saline rich solvent when you compliment it's latest research paper. Rocky calls him an idiot and the overseeing eridian scientists watch on with a sense of morbid eldrich horror. Right, right, just a "leaky space blob", sure.
They're kind of terrified of the future delegations with this planet. They litterally get to space by explosion. Not only are they scary- they're INSANE. And they're told the one they have is "a push over".
sending love to my fellow transfems this pride season no matter what your asab is, the specifics of your identity, how you choose to transition or to not, your orientation, your presentation and expression, your relationship to feminity and/or to womanhood, etc
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Friendly reminder that asking your lycan partner to turn you is incredibly insensitive! Seriously can we retire this trope already? Not only is it just offensive, but no one would ever actually choose this life! Lycanthropy is a curse. Full stop.
🐾 superhowllock69 Follow
Ok user "moon-moon" as if that original meme wasn't created to mock pack nomenclature 🙄
Anyway I'm not gonna touch that internalized lycanphobia with a ten foot pole. Being turned by your partner is something that can be incredibly intimate as long as both parties are consenting and the one being turned is 100% sure they want it. Literally the only downside to transforming once a month is the pain, but midol works just fine. No one with these "lycanthropy bad" takes ever wants to discuss the legitimate positives that come with this "curse" lmao.
🐺 moon-moon4w00 Follow
I'm literally reclaiming moon moon but go off I guess. Anyways turning your partner is absolutely disgusting and morally reprehensible and anyone who does it should be muzzled permanently.
🌜 impawssible Follow
lmao my wife literally saved my life when she turned me but i guess she should be muzzled huh? we run through the woods hunting deer together and can each haul in groceries in one trip now, but nooo she's obviously a danger to society because she cares enough about me to help me when insurance wouldn't cover my medicine
also it was confirmed that the creator of that meme literally makes and sells silver bullets so if you still wanna use moon moon for yourself that certainly is a choice. source: (X)
🦴 pupperoni Follow
I love that instead of naming the more common benefits of lycanthropy, you mentioned that you and your wife can carry all the groceries in one trip. I think that's definitely a positive that gets overlooked far too often and I commend you for speaking your truth, sir
🌜 impawssible Follow
lol thanks but I'm a woman 😅
🦴 pupperoni Follow
🦇 count-fuckula Follow
Plus werewolf blood tastes way better and is as filling as 10 humans 👍
🐺 moon-moon4w00 Follow
Oh my GOD you vampblr freaks will just flock to anything. It clearly says "vamps DNI" in my bio!
🐾 superhowllock Follow
lmaoooo of course you're a vampire exclusionist
🌕 daddy-fenris Follow
wasn't OP the same guy who said fursuits were offensive to lycanthropes and doxxed a werewolf fursuiter?
🐺 moon-moon4w00 Follow
They ARE offensive and harmful to this community and I'm tired of pretending they're not. They perpetuate harmful depictions of what a humanoid wolf is actually like.
🌜 impawssible Follow
me when I dox someone for making candy colored animal costumes that look nothing like what a real werewolf does
one thing i am quite grateful to Brian David Gilbert for is the phrase "If you needed ME to tell you that... I'm glad I told you that."
it has been etched into my brain for the past six years, fundamentally altering how i consider knowledge gaps held by others, as well as myself. people usually need to be told stuff before they can know it! that's how knowing stuff works! this is an extreme example played for laughs but it's a legitimately helpful philosophy!!
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You listen to music regularly? Why? Have you even tried quitting? Could you quit? You get music stuck in your head? Wow. You're so ruined and music brained. I bet you make your partners listen to music with you when you have sex. Music addiction has really ruined a whole generation. You know it's not realistic to expect reverb in real life, right? You're probably so desensitized that you don't even feel anything anymore when you hear a bird singing that it wants some fuck.
it's still killing me that the doctor and the master are canonically each other's emergency contacts. who gets your will when you think you're about to die oh right it's the guy that's been trying to kill you. for centuries