Radicais

Monday

I’m seated in the corner of Evana’s cafe directly beneath a tv. There are a lot of sounds surrounding me but the Portuguese sport commentators are definitely overpowering everything else. I took the seat under the obnoxious piece of techonolgy because I thought I might get a glimpse out the window whilst still remaining hidden in the corner of the small cafe but it was a gamble I lost greatly. The little I can see of the outside world is only of a once white concrete building across the cafe. The temperature is quite nice, not cold and not too hot but definitely on the warmer side. The gray square table Im seated at isn’t very firm and keeps moving back and forth slightly as I type. The chairs are made of plastic but formed to fit a body comfortably. The ceiling is quite high and has 3D wooden abstract decorations that give the cafe a more modern feel. The colors in here are nice and neutral. Gray, white, beige, camel and small accents of black here and there. It smells of food because of the three elderly people 2 meters away from me who ordered lunch. It’s currently 12.30.

I ordered a mocha about an hour ago which has turned lukewarm but I’ve almost finished it. I can still feel the roughness from my burnt tongue that was caused by my first sip of the drink. The chocolate taste is very strong but doesn’t overpower the coffee. Just how I like it. Although, he best mocha I’ve had in Madeira was from The Ritz. The chatter of people and the sounds of multiple coffee machines working never dies down. I’ve blocked it all out with Haim. I can still hear the Portuguese commercials blaring from above me though.

I would like to take up my journal but the workers' eyes are glued in my direction because of the damn tv. If I’m going to do anything in my journal it would preferably be done somewhere more private. I might go to the beautiful park near the dock and read further of The Rosie Project. Last time I went there I sat in front of the swan pond on a charming green park bench whilst being under a not-so-discreet surveillance of a gardener. He passed me a suspiciously hefty amount of times. I would like to fill up more of my journal but I’m not feeling inspired. It’s not a process I should force but it’s been nagging me in the back of my mind.

Yesterday we went on a one day trip around Madeira with our now chummy chauffeur/tour guide Carlos(I think that was his name). I bought a nice bracelet made out of a thin copper coloured wire adorned with different sized red shiny stones. It supposedly represents passion. I’ve said numerous times that I want to find something to be passionate about so I thought it was a suitable choice from all the other different alternatives. Plus the color is really nice and eye catching.

Today is the last day before I leave to go back home to the cold and most probably gray Sweden. This has been a nice and very relaxing vacation but I still don’t feel ready to return to school. I’d like to stay here for maybe 2 days or so and just draw, write and read. I’ve discovered how much I like to be alone. I’m not very good at socialising for long periods of time but that was already something I was aware of. What I didn’t know though was actually how little time I was capable of spending with people before I had to retreat to solitude. 

I’m a bit hesitant to leave this cafe just yet since I’m not really sure if you’re supposed to pay at the counter or if they give you the bill at the table. I have to use the toilet though and the next bus back to the hotel leaves in about 2 hours. I could always walk home but I feel like I should make use of my rare alone time as much as possible. My current game plan is to leave in about 10 minutes or so, find a toilet, buy a small souvenir and find a nice place in the park to read and maybe work in my journal. I’ve already completed my english book report a while ago and this is mostly just something to pass the time. But it might also be a nice thing to look back at. I’m fairly new to wandering around on by myself and exploring places so I’m not quite sure what to do. It feels nice though but I don’t like looking like a hen without a head as I walk around.

I’m just writing gibberish and whatever comes to my mind right now to avoid the awkward process of trying to pay for the coffee. I think I’m doing a pretty good job at looking busy. I think I’ve been here for maybe a little over an hour? I’m not sure when I arrived but the time is currently 13.26. I want to find a place thats good for people watching but that might requiring me ordering another coffee. I haven’t had lunch yet but I’m quite full. My stomach capacity isn't very big even though it feels as if I’ve been eating constantly on this trip. I don’t think I’ve felt hungry a single time this week. There’s another park in front of The Ritz that could be a good people watching place if the trees aren’t in the way.

I should buy some gum for my oh so nice coffee breath I’ve acquired. I should check if they have a toilet in this cafe before I leave. Or should I do that after I pay? First world problems. Okay I think I should start packing my things.

Friday

It doesn’t feel like a new year does it? I like the sound of 2015 though, it has a nice ring to it. I haven’t written anything in a while now and things have happened since then. A lot of small things that have made me feel like I went through a maturity transformation under the time span of one night. Not a total transformation of course, but everything feels so different yet nothing apart from my mental outlook has changed. But I guess the conjunction of my thoughts, ideas and dreams is what makes me an individual. What makes us all individuals.

This new year was spent at my friend H’s house. It actually turned out to be pretty fun and the amount of alcohol involved was far less than it had been the previous year. For me at least. Now when I look back at it I hadn’t expected much to begin with so honestly it wasn't a surprise that it had exceed my expectations. The night ended with all of us looking up into the pitch black sky freckled with stars, as the massive explosions of bright colors and fire disguised as glitter celebrated another year of the earth's existence.

This year I’ve decided to start a journal. Something with more of a scrapbook feel to it. One in which I can randomly scribble in, use watercolors, add different newspaper articles, cut in, put photos, write poetry and collect different items from all the places 2015 will take me. I’m really hoping it won’t be another thing I thought I wanted and later on dropped due to lack of motivation and interest. I’m going out today to buy a few things including a nice journal, if I’ll be able to find one that is. There’s a storm outside though and the sky decided to give the earth it’s first shower in 2015 so I’ll see if I’m willing to drag myself out in mother nature's mixture of intense wind, rain and weak sunlight.

Thursday

I’ve just finished reading all the entries I’ve made. I realize how glad I am to have written down my past thoughts and feelings even though it was irregularly. I had forgotten how bad it was but reading about it brought me back and helped me remember. Actually, the time I didn’t write was a time when I gradually started getting better. I’ve had small spurts of happiness here and there and I’m positive my friends noticed my change too.

I’ve realized now that this is all an outlet for me because I only feel like writing when I feel bad. That’s why I’m a bit worried right now writing this because things might start to get worse again. It’s like I’m repeating a cycle. I’ve become more inactive on twitter again, today I made myself throw up for the first time in months and I feel anxious about starting high school. I’ve barely gotten over my “great summer depression” and now I’m falling into a new edition?

I weigh around 46-47 kg right now and I’ve been hearing about all these k-pop idols who weigh like 43-45 kg. Its underweight but it still makes me feel bad. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if I reach 50 kg.

Exact date unknown

The way I feel now is something I haven’t experienced before. I’m not happy with where I am right now, but I’m not sad either. I spend my time doing nothing productive at all. Usually I would’ve felt like I was wasting my time. Normally I would’ve felt the pressure to do something I considered productive.

Thursday

It’s been a month since I last wrote anything here. I’ve been feeling pretty stable, but not happy. I haven’t really been sad either. Just kinda stoic. After my last entry I continued to make myself throw up. But only for maybe a week and a half or so. I can’t even remember why I stopped. Maybe it was the smell of the toilet? I’m not disgusted with myself because of what I did. Anyway, I didn’t feel a strong urge to become skinnier. I didn’t feel satisfied with my body -I still don’t- but I didn’t feel bad enough about myself to make myself throw up for the purpose of becoming skinnier. Besides, I haven’t been that hungry since I stopped throwing up so I haven’t felt the need to make myself vomit.

I’ve started to enjoy my own company more and more. I don’t have anyone I feel the need to spend time with. I don’t miss anyone. I used to want to spend time with L but I feel a bit uncomfortable in her presence now. She’s very touchy feely. She’s always been, but it’s been escalating even more now. It’s just making me feel a bit uneasy.

Wednesday

I just made myself throw up for the first time.

I used the back of a toothbrush and I accidentally jammed it hard against my throat. It hurts a little.

I only threw up a little. Whilst I was doing it I cried. I didn’t even notice it at first. As i faced the toilet my vision became blurry with tears.

I thought it would be scarier. Honestly, the only thing I’m feeling is relieved. I’ll try to do more next time. If I do good, maybe I’ll be satisfied when summer is over. My weight is currently 45.5 kg.

Monday 

02.17 am

Once you’ve said something there is no turning back. There is nothing you could legally do to undo that. That information is now part of someone else. They are free to do whatever they please with that information and you can’t control it.

Exact date unknown

Things have not become better, but not worse either. One night I just snapped and told my dad everything that’s been on my mind lately. Well, not everything. Not the part where I wanted to end my life or hurt myself. I think that our talk really shaped me up. I still feel that my life has no meaning or significance but at least I get through the day. I now have more of an idea of what I want to do in the future. Not what I want to be when I grow up but I’ve realized how desperately I need my own apartement. From there I’ll try to figure something out I guess.

I feel as if I’ve become less important to my friends. I feel as if nobody really likes me. Like I’m just there. The only one I really feel close to right now is L. It feels as if she is the only one who understands what I’m going through and how I’m feeling. I truly believe she does, but only because of how much shit she’s going through right now. I’ll try to be her rock.

I don’t feel comfortable or relevant in my group of friends. I don’t have a roll and therefor if I disapeared I wouldn’t be missed.

Exact date unknown

I’ve been feeling better lately. I don’t feel like complete crap. Althoug, living feels pointless. I have no idea what I’m living for. I feel lost and like I don’t have a purpose on this earth. I don’t know who or what I want to be. Will I even amount to anything?

I’ve been settled in my bed and I can tell that it’s been having a negative effect on my dad. I’ve become so antisocial lately and it seems to be pissing him off. He keeps reminding me of how bad and pointless it is. As if I already don’t know that. I don’t think he understands since I’ve gotten the impression that he’s always been outgoing. He’s never gone through this “phase”. I don’t know how to get out of it. Or maybe I do, but I cant find the motivation to. I need to snap out of it soon. I haven’t been feeling that bad lately, just irrelevant. I wan’t to matter but I don’t know how. I just feel like I need a change of scenery. That can be hard to achieve as a 14 year old. Especially for a 14 year old like me.

Exact date unknown

I’ve come to be such a loner. I want my own apartement, a shitload of money and good music. Finding people who I don’t find annoying has become one of my hardest tasks. I’m grateful for spring break. I literally do not know what I’d do if I had school right now. I’m already dreading it.

I’ve also become extremely forgetful. I can’t remember names, dates, time etc. It’s not total memory loss but it’s worsened drastically. I’ve just felt really shitty in general. I don’t know what to do or if I should talk to anyone.

Exact date unknown

Exact date unknown

Being indecisive is the worst. Not knowing where you want to go, if you want to do something or not. It’s really aggravating.

I’m currently on the roof of a garage getting colder by the minute. Basically almost every house I see, is able see me too. It strongly defeats the purpose of privacy I was trying to achieve.

I’ve been feeling low lately. I don’t have the motivation or effort to talk or hang out with my friends. I’m beginning to really see my flaws and it discourages me even more to be in peoples company.