Confession from behind the walls...
I have never had the type of love that shows up for me.
Not in family, seldom in friends and never in a partner or lover.
What a tragic realization to find that you have mostly been alone.
The death of a loved one, health scares, even giving birth or recovering from it. Let alone a cortisol inducing and soul sucking custody battle. Most every move I've ever done, huge career shifts or scholastic accomplishments, moments of huge success or birthdays.
All I have had to celebrate, initiate, coordinate and or navigate alone.
No wonder the feminine feels so unsafe.
"I'm fine" or "I got it" and no one to love me enough to get it for me. Let alone someone who would meet a vulnerable ask with action presence and trust.
This is not to reiterate the scapegoats trope but rather to finally see that the bare minimum is consistent presence.
It's hard to believe in when you've seen it so little.
But goddammit I am worthy of a need being filled.
I'm glad that's finally clicked.
Maybe now I will give less of myself and expect more than scraps from others who proclaim loyalty love and support.
-r.swig
