🌒🌑🌓🌕🌘

call us ant or qwerty

we're a DID system of √n² (read: I Don't Know)

no syscourse. I don't care 👍

we mainly use this blog to talk about anything personal related to trauma, mental heath, and being a system

dealt with feeling like Shit nonstop for almost 2 months (most likely as a result of not eating enough which I've had to work really hard at compensating for)

dealt with a big flare up of stomach and digestive issues as a result

a traumaversary

got a tooth infection

got two emergency tooth extractions as a result

therapist had to go on a sudden medical leave until ~February

the general stress of the holidays

another traumaversary

and now just as I've gotten mostly over the feeling like shit part and the extraction recovery, I've gotten sick with a stupid cold lmao

and I've been so completely out of it. but it's odd because before my therapist had to go on leave I remember him making some kind of comment about how it seems like I've been getting better at being aware of things. when I've felt like I've never been more consistently out of it for so long since I started seeing him. odd. very odd.

i dont wanna be here... which seems like im contradicting myself because last time i was talking about not wanting to leave right? but i dont think i am? somethings different this time, i just dont know what. but somethings different. and i dont wanna be here. im stuck.

i think theres another part trying to gain control and kick me out but weirdly i dont wanna leave. i wanna stay here and let myself feel these things... even if theyre very unpleasant. like... if i get kicked out with a switch... that feels like im being abandoned. if that makes sense. im just getting told to shut up and stop wallowing. like everyones told me in the past. i dont wanna wallow and i dont wanna be the reason we cant function but... idk what else i can do. i just wanna feel things. maybe itll help us if im allowed to feel our feelings... but idk.

I just worry because it makes me feel fake when my therapist like suggests I try to communicate with parts to get more of an idea of what they're experiencing. and the only answers I get (if I even get one at all lmao) are "I Don't Know Either!!!". I think I've maybe gotten answers from these Hidden Parts, but all they could say was basically "We Can't Tell You". which is totally not ominous or anxiety inducing lol.

everyone talks about how they're just hanging on week-by-week, tired and stressed and burnt out, and I'm like... is that what I have waiting for me out there. because if so. no thanks. that's already my reality and been my reality for 10+ years. I think I'll just kill myself thanks 👍

I know I sound like a child, but like. hey what if I don't want to be in constant fucking pain 24/7. what then. what do I do. is it so bad to wish for that. is it unrealistic? (of course it is)