Live From New York And All That

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Is obsessed with me like Jordan is with Krysta

You were next to me for 3 months. I had someone. When I wanted to be held, I knew I could count on you. When I wanted to be kissed, I knew I could count on you. I grew to love your smile, your strong body against mine, your rough hands intertwined with mine. I felt wanted & desired. I made dreams of things we’d do together. I looked forward to watching you open Christmas pjs on Christmas Eve with me. I began to see everything as something you’d fit into eventually. It wasn’t perfect, I had doubts and things that I wanted to change. But I got used to having you. It’s almost as if every time another day or week passed, it felt closer to forever. I saw you as my forever.

Then you walked away. And all that familiarity and possibility died. I know you weren’t the best one for me although that’s harder to affirm now that you’re gone. I know we were in different places. I know I deserve far more than you were willing to give me. But in this space I’m in right now, I just want the familiarity. Sifting through the shuffle again feels so wrong. Even though the hope of something better hangs in the balance, I just want you. How the truth of what I deserve seems so hopeful and promising, to pursue it actually feels like failure or punishment. Deep in my soul, I have the affirmation that God works all things together for my good & He won’t waste my pain. I resent those premises right now. Maybe cause they don’t feel true. I know this journey is bigger than this moment and often things that hurt bring about better things.

But when I survey what’s around me in dating, at the church I’ve been a part of for over 10 years, the world I live in everyday and it just feels like nothing is as it should be. Me with all I have to offer shouldn’t be wading through imposters to find my Prince, we should be able to go to church without a politicised health crisis keeping us from doing so. I know things change and I’m excited for Kindred, but it’s hard to see something I loved so much have hurt people I love. And I’m so scared a political agenda may very well do everything in its power to control everything it can. And I’m so mad at people who sit on the other end of that opinion and judge me for it. CAN WE JUST STOP JUDGING EACH OTHER?!