Quinn

During "Only If For A Night," I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, letting myself dissolve into the moment. When I opened my eyes, the people in the crowd around me were looking at me, waiting, smiling - like they knew something I didn't. . And they did. I looked up, and there she was - standing in front of me, fierce, waiting for me to recognize what was happening. She had paused just before the chorus. When our eyes met she grinned big, raised her hand, and resumed the chant: “only if for a night.” I was set ablaze. . It is a series of quiet horrors to be a trans person in the United States right now. But I find myself thinking back to this night, to what it meant to be there and interact with an artist who has been such a guide to me, to be alive and to be reminded of this incredible capacity we have for transformative love. I am reminded of my power, and those quiet horrors shrink. . I got the chance to give Florence a thank you note and a poem after the encore. Thank you @florence, once again, for holding my hands and my folded note, for lifting us all up with you in song. There will always be a poem waiting for you when you visit Seattle - our hearts are in the world with you now. . And to @heyclaireelise, to the bright and knowing friend who made such a loving gesture in securing a ticket for me, who took what would turn out to be an otherwise dark week and draped it in hopeful gossamer: there will never be enough thank yous for you, Claire - you have to be an angel. (at KeyArena at Seattle Center) https://www.instagram.com/p/BpRZ3pqgw-g/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=wowegxs5jzzc

I’m missing Tucson again. Making the choice to move away from social media for a bit has made me realize I never posted so many things in the moment like I’ve wanted to - too preoccupied with making them perfect or timing them well. . When I took these photos last August, I wanted to show everyone in Washington this golden place that made me. I was in shocked love with the circumstances and I was desperate for a way to preserve the moment. I was in love with the nervous boy who helped buy me a plane ticket home, and I was overwhelmed with relief that my mother had somehow survived a medical crisis. . I was home, I was happy, and I was both of these things because I had kept living long enough to give myself a new name. . I had ached for this. I walked the washes and quiet blankets of the desert for years trying to riddle out what it could be - but I did not have the language, could not find the words. I still don’t know that I have. . But to be in my hometown as Quinn... everywhere, everywhere, everywhere an unignorable message: “Thank you for making the choice to stay alive. Look at all the wonder still here in the world with you.” . I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I found myself looking over these photo today. They are beads on a rosary. They remind me that there is a me beyond survival. . Beyond resilience. I want you to know is that it is hard to call for a life beyond resilience. I wake up most days only to fight a feeling that I have been irrevocably dispossessed. Sometimes I lose that fight. . But I have not lost this light. I can still feel the sun on the back of my neck, smell the wet creosote in the breeze, and hear the desert come to life at dusk. This place lives in me, eternal. I still bloom. . I’m recognizing this for what it is in dark times: a lifeline - and I am anchoring myself to it. I am dressing myself in the mantle of my joy, my hope, my relief. . And I am still here. I am STILL HERE. . Happy #WorldMentalHealthDay. I love you all and am inspired - everyday - by your strength in the face of a fearful world. I love you, keep going, and hold on to each other💜 . #queer #trans #oneofthem #lgbtq #arizona #tucson #sonorandesert (at Tucson, Arizona) https://www.instagram.com/p/Boyj-ACl-S3/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=10mxqwew4tu3v

I had breakfast with TJ a few weeks ago. We played Scrabble (they won) and we talked about spirituality, boys, and what it means to live in-between and altogether outside of gender. . As is usually the case, TJ gently guided me down to ground from the cumulonimbi I turn to when things get heavy. All of the anxiety, all of the fear of being misunderstood, all of the pain... gone, if only for a few moments. . I have 4 tattoos now, 3 by TJ’s hand. Trusting my body to another trans person - especially when how I feel about that identity lately feels less and less like certainty and more like a kind of constant compromise - is a supremely freeing act. I am more comfortable trusting this soft animal of a body to other trans people than I am trusting most lovers with it. That startles me. . I asked TJ for a new tattoo for my birthday this year - one that would provide some hidden armor, some soft reminder of the truth. Last Saturday - before a pleasant evening with a soft boy, before a concert that would change my life - TJ gave me that gift. . I remember looking in the mirror before heading over to TJ’s house (@sonyareneetaylor ‘s words ringing in my head) and for the first time in a long time genuinely, unconditionally loving my body. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. . It took us 5 some odd hours of deliberating (and an eerily prescient Tarot reading) before we chose the tiniest, simplest little lightning bolt pattern. . The last few days have been heavy. But when I’ve been on the brink of collapse, I have looked down at my wrist and caught my breath, held it steady. How powerful such a small thing can be. How powerful it is to be seen - to not have to beg, to compromise, to forgive constantly in order to be seen. . “I dunno Teej. Lately I feel like a lightning bolt in a tea shop. I don’t want to frighten anyone but I can’t hide from this.” . “Q, if you feel like lightning... then thunder.” . I love you Teej. You are a constellation. Whenever it is dark, you never hesitate to shine a light, to show me the way home. I am proud to carry your magic on my body for the rest of my life. Thank you for making it rite. . #queer #trans #oneofthem #sticknpoke #tattoo https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn2AF_4l80w/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=160z0xk3r45es

This is my momma, Dana. I get my passion, my stubbornness, and my pride from her - but also my empathy. My gentleness. My creativity. My steady hands. My smile. If you have ever laughed at what remains of my accent, at my silly Southwestern slang, you have my mother to thank. . . She has been struck by lightning, bitten by a rattlesnake, and claims to have invented dirty dancing in rural Arizona in the 70s and 80s. She has no equal. . . Her love has been unconditional - despite the distance, despite the political differences, despite the fights. Every time I see her I am showered with praise, with love, and with her service dog Charlie’s hair. . . When I came out as trans in 2017 and told her my new name, my mom reminded me that “you already know I’m going to love you no matter what, so why are you scared?” and then proceeded to assert that “Quinn Hendrick Brenfleck has a much better ring to it, anyway.” . . I am beyond fortunate to have parents who have celebrated my identity. I am trying to honor that gift now. . . I thought that when the time came that my parents needed my help that I would have the book published. The movie written. The photograph sold. The career established. . . But I don’t. I’m 26, my mom is in crisis, and I feel like a frightened child again. I can’t help her the way I wish I could. . . So please - visit the link in my bio. Forego a coffee and drop $5 towards her recovery if you can. Or share the GoFundMe link. . . Anything, and everything helps. . . I love you, momma. We’ve got this. . . #mom #tbt #throwbackthursday #gofundme #queer #trans #lgbt #lgbtqia #oneofthem #disability #disabilityjustice #crowdfunding (at Tucson, Arizona) https://www.instagram.com/p/BnGFXFJFuEa/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=fu5ixdbfqg47

While I navigate the limbo period between jobs, I’ve decided to embrace the slight discomfort putting this all out here makes me feel and open up one of my more personal pursuits to y’all to help keep my pantry stocked. I’m now offering short affirming poems and Tarot readings at affordable rates, on a sliding scale. . . If you are looking for a way to support trans people in the wake of #TDOV, this is an awesome way to do so! . . **Please feel free to share this post and spread the word. Please comment below or message me if you would like a reading or poem** . . These are all sliding scales - pay what you can! I want these to be as accessible and useful as possible, so I put a lot of work into demystifying the Tarot. Each reading comes with images of the spread/cards and a detailed written description of possible meanings, and suggestions for how to interpret the cards into your daily life. . . 1 “card of the day” with suggested daily practice: $1-5 . . Short poem of affirmation (catered specifically to your current situation and needs): $5-10 . . Simple 3-card “hey, heads up” spread: $5-10 . . 5-card “wtf is going on” spread: $20-25 . . 7-card “SOS I need all the witchy advice I can get” spread: $30-50 . . If you have questions or are interested but short on funds, please message me! We can work something out. . . Pictured are the Slow Holler Tarot by @slowholler and the Linestrider Tarot from @siolothompson. Please message me if you want to learn how to get one of these decks or otherwise support the amazing artists who created them! . . #tarot #queer #queertarot #slowholler #slowhollertarot #linestrider #linestridertarot #siolothompson #LGBTQ #trans

While I navigate the limbo period between jobs, I’ve decided to embrace the slight discomfort putting this all out here makes me feel and open up one of my more personal pursuits to y’all to help keep my pantry stocked. I’m now offering short affirming poems and Tarot readings at affordable rates, on a sliding scale. . . If you are looking for a way to support trans people in the wake of #TDOV, this is an awesome way to do so! . . **Please feel free to share this post and spread the word. Please comment below or message me if you would like a reading or poem** . . These are all sliding scales - pay what you can! I want these to be as accessible and useful as possible, so I put a lot of work into demystifying the Tarot. Each reading comes with images of the spread/cards and a detailed written description of possible meanings, and suggestions for how to interpret the cards into your daily life. . . 1 “card of the day” with suggested daily practice: $1-5 . . Short poem of affirmation (catered specifically to your current situation and needs): $5-10 . . Simple 3-card “hey, heads up” spread: $5-10 . . 5-card “wtf is going on” spread: $20-25 . . 7-card “SOS I need all the witchy advice I can get” spread: $30-50 . . If you have questions or are interested but short on funds, please message me! We can work something out. . . Pictured are the Slow Holler Tarot by @slowholler and the Linestrider Tarot from @siolothompson. Please message me if you want to learn how to get one of these decks or otherwise support the amazing artists who created them! . . #tarot #queer #queertarot #slowholler #slowhollertarot #linestrider #linestridertarot #siolothompson #LGBTQ #trans

In honor of #worldpoetryday, here is a small excerpt from my first book of poems (ahhh!). All my eloquence goes out the window when I think about this (my! first! book!). I am so excited to share this all with you soon. (I wish I could tell you how soon) . . . . . . #poetry #poems #queer #trans #lgbtq #oneofthem (at Tacoma, Washington)

Call your astrologer. . . . . . . #queer #rapture #lgbtq #seattle #drag #nyxmons #oneofthem (at Timbre Room)

Tonight I’m just focusing on allowing myself the indulgence of posting a mid-bath portrait from the new studio apartment I now call home. Here’s to new growth.

I really sank this past weekend - but when it's right, it's rite. And my god, when I resurfaced...

I really, truly sank this past weekend. But when it's right, it's rite, and my god once once I resurfaced...

We did not plant / all these flowers / for you to take them / remember that we / like flowers / have thorns and briars still (at Downtown Tacoma)

I'm a day late for #worldpoetryday, but here's me in front of one of my poems chosen for a really exciting mural project coming soon to downtown Tacoma. This is the first time I've seen my words through a medium like this and I'm beyond excited about it. There's also a unique sense of pride that something I'm so frequently admonished for - my anger - is now the source of my participation in an amazing community project about the different stages of grief. Shout out to @_saikick_ and her amazing team for encouraging and holding space for my art - you have helped turn my vulnerability into a way to heal, and I am so, so grateful for that. (at Downtown Tacoma)