Sonic Frontiers: The Review
I normally fucking hate sonic, in fact I have a sonic plushie that I regularly attack and shred with my many teeth when my wife gives me diarrhea from her shitass cooking. However, upon booting up Sonic Frontiers, it took approximately 4.3 seconds longer than usual before I snapped and lunged at my already heavily damaged plush sonic, delighting at the fear in his quivering little eyes as I gripped him around the neck with both hands until my knuckles turned white, breathing wetly through my gritted teeth until flecks of saliva were being propelled at his pitiful face, absorbing into the fabric like his many stockpiled traumas.
an additional delay of 4.3 seconds between booting up the game and attacking my Sonic introduces a very crucial concept: This game does something right.
After calming down and guzzling my many medicated calm-down-capsules, I sat back to drink in more of Sonic Team's """hard work""", revelling in the art team's bold decision to make the game look frighteningly like real life. The first area, Kronos island, with its almost disgusting resemblance to the grassy alpine plains of the planet we walk on, broke my perception of reality to such a degree that I tore the disc from the console with my bare hands and crushed it into dust from some sort of primal fear awoken in me.
After purchasing another copy of the game, I gradually grew to accept its visual style. Before long, I had trained myself to violently squeeze my sonic plush instead of destroying the game disc whenever the realism of the grass really started to upset me. The enormous robots Sonic has to fight to progress through the game almost pushed me to my breaking point, as my ceaseless nightmares about a robot uprising occurring within our near future immediately forced themselves to the forefront of my mind. 8 panic attacks and 79 bottles of hard liquor later, I was ready to continue playing.
The boss you will eventually run into, Andrew the Hedgehog, only appears after collecting all 446 eggman statues. (Eggman is absent in the game aside from these collectible statues.)
In order to damage him, you need to target each of his 4 large quills and yank them until he has a mental breakdown, weeping silently on the grass and begging to be left alone. This reminded me of all the times I've kicked people's dogs REALLY HARD with studded doc Martens on my peaceful afternoon walks whenever the smell of the breeze really begins to max out my anger stat. (video game reference)
After that, The credits began to roll.
This is the shortest Sonic the hedgehog game in recent memory, taking only 900 hours to beat. (7509 hours if you're going for all the collectibles). most of your time with this game will be spent gathering Eggman Statues, or watching the now iconic (and incredibly memeworthy ) 34 hour long cutscene where Sonic struggles to butter a piece of toast in his decaying apartment shortly after divorcing tails. I woulve managed to absorb the emotional weight of this scene, if at the 14 hour mark my wife hadn't brought me an abhorrent bowl of soup that caused me to vomit my guts out and weep on the carpet, semi-paralysed from the abdominal pain. I barely had the energy to throw our cat at her head like I normally do.
I was totally overloaded with emotions as the credits washed over me. I glanced over at my sonic plush, his stuffing spilling out onto the floor. He had a look in his eyes that seemed like "please... no more..." Which I of course took as an invitation to skewer his head on the iron fence outside and incinerate him with a blowtorch for all my neighbours to watch.
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