Untitled

I’ve been rather quiet about my feelings toward top surgery mostly due to a lot of heavy opinions within the transgender community, but I’m realizing that how I’m feeling is ok. Ever since I’ve scheduled my appointment for top surgery, I’ve been kinda dumpy, depressed even. Yes, I’m excited. Finally my body is going to reflect who I am as a person. However, I’ve been living in this body for quite some time. I was socialized to embrace my body and my breast. I was taught that my breast are sacred and personal, that I was lucky to even have them. I carry them with me everywhere I go. When I lay down, sit up, run, jump, put on clothes… They are reminding me of their existence. I don’t feel bad anymore for having an emotional attachment to them. When I think ahead to what I’ll feel like after surgery, fantasizing if you will, I always envision myself sad. I’m afraid I won’t recognize my body. When I go to roll over in bed or throw on a shirt, Ill be compensating for a space that doesn’t exist anymore. I applaud transmen and trans people who have the ability to walk into his procedure strong and confident but Im writing this for all the other trans people, the ones like me