In almost 22 years, I've seen a lot and experienced a lot. I've felt happiness, pain, guilt, and addiction. With everything I've been through, I could write a book on life lessons and mistakes you should never make. Hell I could even be a therapist and give some great advice. But no one truly knows me, no one that is except one person who's seen the truth in my eyes, who's felt the pain behind the smile, and that person is my person, he's always going to be my person no matter where life takes us. But I feel like if you blog, you should be able to express yourself and just lay everything out on the table, give people hope with your story, so today I'm going to tell mine. It's more dark than it is light & happy, so for those who actually do read my posts, prepare yourself. So when I was young, I grew up on a farm, we had mostly horses, a goat or two, some chickens, barn cats & two dogs. That's when I developed a love for animals, especially horses. Horses are the most amazing creatures, they really assist in a healing that you can't imagine until you've been around them. When I was young I would sneak out of the house and go sleep in the stall with my horse almost every night. I was happy, I didn't fear anything except spiders, but one day that all changed. I was sexually abused by someone I knew & my mom's side of the family trusted, I won't name names because that's way behind me, but I became a tortured child, the only happiness I felt was when I was with the horses, my horse in particular would always follow me around, so we'd just go for walks and sometimes I'd climb up bareback and just lay there on his back while he would graze. It was my serenity. But when play time was over, I'd have nightmares, I had trouble coping and being around people, at that point in life I preferred my horses over people, my horses wouldn't hurt me intentionally like people would. I went through a lot of counseling and became better. At age 9, I was a happy little girl, I didn't see any evil anymore and I was doing just fine until one night when my own father abused me, he almost killed me that's how bad it was. I thank god every day my dad wasn't successful, and at age 9 is when I developed a fear of cops, my dad was a police officer and so that became a fear I had. I was ashamed, I was hurt, I wasn't happy anymore, I felt broken and beaten down. I needed to be in control of things so I started eating less and less and controlling my hunger, I was diagnosed with anorexia. That began my long road with an eating disorder. I started eating less and less until finally just a cracker or chewing gum would be enough for me, I struggled with an eating disorder from age 11 until 18, even then I still would slip into old habits. I had friends who would force me to eat at lunch and I would just go and throw it up after lunch. I was always a strong person, I can't remember a time I actually let all these fears and things defeat me and let me seem weak to anyone. I learned at a young age to paint a brave face on, hence started the resting bitch face and heartlessness. I became cold and turned off to everyone and everything, never letting people too far in until one day I actually fell in love, K came into my life and changed everything. I suddenly felt free and ok to open up and so I did, I let him see the deepest, darkest parts and he stayed, we aren't together now but he still stays, we always find out way back to each other. But when he left I closed off my heart again, I didn't let anyone get too close and always leave before I am left. I put others before myself, and I have always done so. But a little before K and during him, I fell into being an alcoholic, I was literally drinking every day, copious amounts of alcohol and for what? To get drunk and be stupid? For 4 years, I was addicted to alcohol. I wanted it more than I wanted anything else. And then finally I battled that and I stopped, I stopped drinking so much. And when I turned 21, I got trashed that night and then barely ever again, I don't go out that much and if I do it's for someone's birthday. But I've fought a lot to be where I am today, I don't need anyone, I've found happiness within myself and I'm very proud of how far I've come. I'm still cold hearted and don't do feelings, but one person and one person only knows how to get me to be in my feelings. I've made a lot of mistakes, hurt some people I didn't mean to, but I can't take it back, and in a way I did then a favor by leaving because no one will ever amount to K. And everyone knows that even if I won't openly admit it to them. But I'm a strong, independent, selfless person. I will always put others before me in any situation. My story is still writing itself, and I'm excited to see what the future may hold for me. Maybe I'll get to help others who have similar struggles in their life. But I know I'm still alive and well for a reason because there's been many times that I should've been gone, but I'm still here. And I'm blessed. š
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