i follow the testament of blood
to dedicate myself to you ⠀( ྀི̫꒰ ✚ ꒱ ྀི̫)
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@qidoll
i follow the testament of blood
to dedicate myself to you ⠀( ྀི̫꒰ ✚ ꒱ ྀི̫)

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i'm fucking sick and tired of my life yearning is genuinely the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone and seriously it ruined my whole life to the point i'm 18 and planning to commit suicide soon just because i miss you so much but no matter what i cannot get close to you in any way, it's impossible, there's no way to do it, the best thing i can do is to slit and just end it seriously my therapist will ask me why did i do this? i'm so young and whole life is just ahead of me but she doesn't fucking know, no one knows, my mom who i have gotten so much closer to past months after my suicide attempt in may, she wanted to help me but nothing ever will, i thought i was getting better recently, i really did but it all has to come back like this and now my mind is occupied with this and this only fuck i cannot function normally like at all because all i think of is you and i just cannot bring myself to do or care about anything else i almost failed grade, now i'm at the last grade of high school and don't even give a fuck about anything i was born to fail everything i was born to be a fucking loser menace to society and fucking die. in july i tried, for the first time in my life i've felt happy, i've felt hope, but obviously the universe IS against me and won't ever let me experience the only good thing that can meet me which is talking to you. i was on my knees. i was begging god to take my life, i still think of going on nearby lake and drown. it was all i've wanted to do that day. i thought i was getting better but the reality is i cannot fool myself and all i deserve is to suffer endlessly and there is no one who could even understand what i'm talking about because i 'm sick to the point i literally want to cry all the time because i miss you more than anything and it aches my heart but i cannot cry because i have no tears left inside my body i feel mentally exhausted getting up everyday just to do nothing, all day just to think of you and miss you, and you will never know that i think of you this way. you will never know how i cut your birth date on my wrist, how i cried and dreamt of being kidnapped and shot that july day, how fucking miserable and pathetic i feel everyday just because i know you don't know me and wouldn't even look at me and you're disgusted by me and you too wish that i would kill myself so you could breathe a sigh of relief because who the fuck is like me what's wrong with me? i'm mentally ill in the head and i found out only recently, i know it's autism and depression which aren't uncommon but i think there is no diagnosis for what it actually feels like to be tortured by love. loving you is my heaven, you've made me the happiest person in the world just by your existence, your presence, just by living in the same universe as me. and i cannot thank you enough, i never will be able to tell you how much i'm grateful to just simply know about your existence and how at my worsts when i was fucking thirteen you were the only thing keeping me going qnd only thing i cared for and lived for. just to see you. it has been like this since i met you. i was twelve. fucking twelve. i was a little girl whose life turned into hell no one will be ever able to see but it's because i love you so much. it's my heaven and hell. i can't look at you without feeling my heart being shattered in millions pieces. but what did you do? you're just a human. i live for this. i never knew love until i saw you and got to know you. i have found you in this cruel world, to be my only reason to live here. you're my whole life. i have no idea how to express it. no words will ever try to even do the justice to what i'm feeling. i love you. i'd do anything for you if you just asked me to. i remember looking up how to destroy the world last year, that was because i saw you and the thought that i can't have you drove me insane. it's like this everyday.
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i've lost the track of time. you're all i have. without you i am nothing. not a human, a lifeless creation. without you i don't know how to live. for you, i'd go through hundreds of deaths if it meant one less hardship for you. i want to protect you from anything bad that could ever happen to you. everything. from this feeling when you're walking in dark and feel uneasy to annoying ass sweat. if i could just make you and your life better, even a tiny little thing, i'd do everything it takes to do it for you. you actually have no idea. since i saw you i've never looked at anyone else. i've never thought of anyone else. i can't even look at your face rigjt now. i want to cry. if i could give you the tightest hug right now and feel your heart beat, to know you're a real person and you feel. you're everywhere on my phone i'm writing it on, in my room, in my mind, everything reminds me of you and i cannot escape from it. i love you. i have loved you from the beginning of time and i will forever, always. when i'm buried six feet under and worms are eating my heart, all they'll taste is you. i hope that's going to happen soon. i can't live without you. the day i saw you i started dreaming. i realized the purpose of my life. to watch you. but i can't do this anymore. i want you so desperately, i just want you to know if there's one person who will always support you and be there for you even if you do the most horrible things and everyone else leaves you, that person will be me. no matter what. but i know that you won't. how can i know? you're just a stranger. i literally don't know you. i've never even saw you in real life. i know nothing about you but i feel otherwise. our separation is a lie. i cannot be separated from you. no matter what you do, how much will you ever want to get rid of me, i can't quit you. i'm addicted to you. you are the reason for all my dreams, thoughts. it's only you for me.
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i need you. i know no one will ever love you as much as i do. and i'm just a random 18 year old who you have no idea exists. no one ever will. no one is willing to give up everything just for you. i'd rather fail myself and the whole world before i fail you. i love you so much. in my eyes you are divinely humanly. does it make any sense? you're an angel but then i remember, you're just a human. and for me it's both. it's what's beautiful about you. i know i'll never have you and all that is just wishful stupid thinking but everyday i wish i'd wake up in another reality where you're next to me, and you know. please do not ever leave me. it's because of you i'm still here and writing this. without you there is no me. i have found you. you're a stranger, but i feel like i have known you my entire life. i don't know. whatever, i'll die soon anyways. why did i write this? just to feel something. that doesn't even mean anything. words are nothing. time is nothing. reality is nothing. it has always been you and always will be. i love you. without end.
─── just one of my tons of bf yangie 𝓉houghts 🎀 he's too fucking pretty..... save me chat (i'll write way more of it ! mdni.)
♪ cw. soft dom!lyy est secret relationship age gap (the usual) alcohol dry humping guided masturbation? yk the thing... ik it kinda sucks it was rushed but enjoy !
fantasize, 刘扬扬.
─── 𝓴con hong kong 2024.
idol f!oc smut w plot 2.4k qidoll 𝒹iary ❤︎
cw. soft dom!lyy he's big and the cutest est secret relationship age gap kinda public sex and unprotected 💔 ft. 威神V hendery 보이넥스트도어 riwoo, leehan mdni.
𝓪n. first fic on here heh pls care....., THIS yangie so divine i js had to write on him... (sfw) every support v much appreciated !!
thinking about yangyang being so unbelievably giggly that i would be kissing him all over his teeth instead of his lips because he literally CAN'T stop smiling when given attention and love ... he would be laughing sooo shyly, too embarrassed to even look up but i know that u r my prettiest boy. afterwards he would insist that's he's just ticklish or reminded himself of a totally ridiculous joke a wayv member told recently, but his shiny eyes and flushed cheeks are just too telling. and mind u on the stage he's the polar opposite — making fans shout out his name, confident and almost shamelessly; asking for praises and hype, yet he's actually a sweetheart, full of affection and the adorable clinginess he eventually can't hide and is all around his group mates, jumping around them excited and showering them in cuddles, just for me to be his next victim (and i'm NAWT complaining ...), while i'm just murmuring “pretty...”, “yangyangie” into his ear like the most soothing melody. literally stop being so cute you are 25 yr old man btw. also my baby. ❤︎

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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