i'm proud of who i am.

Academics is inherently elitist because it pits brain against brain and doesn’t care for whether or not it’s got the hottest fall accessory to pair with an overpriced designer belt and therefore cannot be bought. If you weren’t so busy trying to figure out how to remove the permanent grass stains from your knees from all that time you spent making love to a sports field, you’d perhaps have the time to learn that. If you’re ever ready to at least obtain some knowledge, I’ll be offering tutoring after schools on Wednesday in the library. That’s the big room with all the books, and yes, some of them do have pictures so you don’t have to be too afraid.

Cool story, bro. Does that mystical library you speak of have both a book check and a place for you to check your privilege? 

Are you going to kick a soccer ball at my head? Because I can tell the idea of “been to one game, been to them all” is really working you up. Predictability must not be your friend, then.

Hey, if you have such a soft spot for the post-athlete bod, good for you. I’ll still let all the football players know what future is in for them in the hopes they avoid heart disease, just like I would’ve done anyways.

Why would you even suggest that? Head injuries and concussion protocols are no joking matter. And literally the only thing working me up is you continuing to be a gross human being when it comes to body shape and image, and as I already said, I want no part in that.

I couldn’t agree with you more on that, but I’m going to have to cut the guest list down a little bit next time. How are you, though, Quinn?

You could definitely do that, but if my experience attending parties last year is any indication, what’s advertised as a small gathering can quickly morph into an all-out kegger when word of mouth spreads like wildfire. 

While I am usually tingling with anticipation for the start of a new academic year, this year that joy has vanished from within me thanks to Mr. John Parks, who just had to open his big mouth during his failed campaign for my father’s congressional seat and point out that none of the St. James boys had ever been educated at public school. Alas, I am now stuck at a mediocre school with atrocious academics and an archaic social class system that labels me a nerd because I happen to care more for my studies and theater passions than chugging a six pack after a pointless football game or getting excited for pep rallies that only serve to inflate the egos of the rich little boys and girls who live for their elitism and money. Not even the completion of that joke of a summer reading list can fill the loss I feel from being cruelly ripped away from Bard.

To add to my misery, this week features the last shows of Lima Community Theater production of Next To Normal. It’s been a home away from home this summer being on that stage. I’m sure if there is not yet a drama club at this school there will be soon but I doubt it will feel the same. If you are need of some intellectual stimulation, be sure to see my ‘rousing’ turn as Gabe Goodman before it’s too late.

I have a hot tip for your summer reading list. Check out Webster’s and its definition of elitism, but perhaps do so while sitting down as I’m afraid you’re in for a rude awakening when you’re greeted with your own hypocrisy. Because good gravy it must be hard to attempt to tear down perceived elitism in others when you’re touting your own previously-privatized education. 

Maybe not, but you’re in need of some fans that 1) aren’t reliving their own glory days from 10 years ago (20+ pounds of post-high school fat included) 2) aren’t obligated to be there for at least part of the time or 3) have any unique insight to anything at all. 

Says whom? You’re new this year, so I know for a fact you have no firsthand knowledge when it comes to our supporters. Also, if the only unique insight you have to share involves body shaming, you can keep that piehole of yours shut because I’m absolutely not here for crud like that.

She’s that direct? I’m jealous, that’s awesome. I feel like most people are like just buy me something and that’s super hard. You really didn’t get anything? You have a lot of self-control. I begged my mom to let me get an Atari themed wallet for ten dollars. That totally makes sense but honestly if you wanna ride a bike, go for it. Don’t let anyone stop you from doing what you want.

Fran’s... let’s just say she’s particular, which works out in my favor. Our favor, really. It’s easy and everyone gets what they want in the end without having to put on a fake face of enjoyment or appreciation. And maybe you’ll get the wallet for Christmas. 

You’re not really my audience either, but I’m just saying. Cute just… Doesn’t begin to cover me. 

If you say so. Considering the traits I’ve witnessed, cute doesn’t even breach your top ten.

How intriguing.

If I had even the lightest glimmer of a chance to going to any sporting event this year, you just snuffed it out pretty damn good. Congrats.

You say that as if 1. I care; and 2. we’ve lost something in your not-quite-pledged-support. We’re in no need of fairweather fans in the stands and along the sidelines. 

You should have been there, Q. It was fun until things got a little out of hand, but what can you expect with a high school party? Oh no, they’re not. It was Mason and his group of skanks.

Sounds like you may need to wrangle some of the Titan offensive linemen to do some security detail the next time you’re hosting. It’s unfortunate that a few bad apples can ruin the cider.

For the record sort of cute is an understatement. I’m the hottest piece of ass McKinley’s had in years. 

It is, I’d just rather take a guy with me than go alone. No need to miss out on an opportunity to see a hot guy in swim trunks and nothing else. 

If you say so. But considering I prefer watching someone in a bikini instead swim trunks, I’m likely just your wrong audience. 

Sorry, figured all the 30 year old sports equipment would’ve given you all an immunity by now. Maybe a few more years of losing will give you enough time to get on that.

Perks of playing soccer is that we provide most of our own equipment. Cleats, shinguards, active wear. Even our team soccer balls are consistently switched out due to the design and shapes stitched together often changing since such changes affect how the ball plays. And even though our home and away jerseys are a season old, I’m not adverse to the wonders of soap and laundry detergent. 

Well, my house has enough Jack in it to last a nuclear blast, but I actually enjoy things with flavor sometimes. Bite me.

Might as well have been. I mean, cheap rubber soles might as well be paper.

Not interested. That pesky tetanus thing, remember?

I always change my mind about what to get my mom especially so I feel like it’d be not smart to get things this early. Plus, I don’t have Amazon Prime but I’m sure it’s Am-amazing. Get it? How was Prime Day? Did you get anything? 

Perks of only having to worry about buying for my sister, plus she’s specific when it comes to gift-giving and never fails to provide a list. And I didn’t as I’m hoping to save enough within the last half of the year for a vehicle. I’m tired of being dependent on others when it comes to that type of mobility. Riding a bike in this area seems to have gone out of style in middle school.