there is genuinely something wrong with me

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So I don’t have much of a quote to start this with. Sorry about that. I’ve been lost in my head recently and, I don’t want to bore you with that. Sorry.

I guess it’s true progress isn’t linear, or something. Something I said before this. I don’t know what direction I’m headed in now, I don’t know if this is healing. But I’m here anyway, and I’m alive. And I keep going, that means something.

I’ve been digging deeper into the tunnels recently. I hoped to find some kind of solace down there. Maybe if I dig deeper I’ll reach some kind of heaven.

It’s a bad idea, I’m sure, but I am running out of things to do. And once you fall sometimes it’s better to just let yourself hit the floor. So that’s what I’m doing. Falling, letting myself slip and fall.

But I’ve ignored you long enough, I’m sorry for that.

“I’m not scared of falling, though I’m more scared of what happens when I fall. The edge I toe has become more cracked day by day, there is no repairing those cracks, it’s a waiting game now. I’m not good at waiting.”

“I promise that if you fall farther into the tunnels I will do everything in my capability to catch you no matter what.”

These contradict don’t they? How can you catch me if you are falling as well? Even then what if I wanted you to fall? Would you jump? Would you let yourself loose everything holy about you?

I wouldn’t do that, I wouldn’t tell you too. I don’t want you to fall, I think maybe the farther away from me you are the better.

We will make this world pure.

I know you don’t like waiting, but you cannot let yourself fall just yet. Okay?

There’s this lovely area I found above ground. A nice place for us. A valley enclosed by mountains, it’s beautiful. I dreamed of it, of us, building a house there, maybe having some cats. It’s a nice little area. I’d like to take you there. Though I know you are only real in these caves

“𝙰𝚗 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚖𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚒𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚘𝚠𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚕𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚒𝚝𝚜 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚛𝚒𝚏𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚛𝚘𝚊𝚛, 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚐𝚘𝚍, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎? 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚜𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍, 𝚑𝚎 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗 𝚗𝚎𝚡𝚝, 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗 𝚗𝚎𝚡𝚝” (𝚁𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚛, 329)

How does one remain pure and have desires? How sure are you in your ability to not fall? Who sets your expectations? I know you can’t answer that but I can't help but be curious. Does your soul weigh lighter than mine?

If you’re on the edge why don’t you jump? How scared of you are falling? Does doubting your place in the heavens already mean you’ve slipped from that edge you stand on?

If you ever fall farther I have a place for you, among us mortals. As below you we may be. Here is a far cry from the heaven that you know. But maybe it’s better, I would want to keep you here forever. This place is not pure but it could be. We could, we will, make it pure.

These hallways are not holy. They have something that I can’t describe in them. But it is not something of gods and religon. I know that.

I know you cannot help me here, what you say is enough, your words are enough. And for that thank you. Your support is more than what I deserve. I don’t understand why you chose me but thank you regardless.

I will succeed. You know I will.

I suppose it’s nice to trust someone, as tangible as you are. That is, if you’re even real. Even if you aren’t I will accept this, I can’t run from it.

This is the beginning of something great. I’m glad you’ve had your fun with me. I pray of holy devotion, of strength.

And I ask you this, do angels have souls?

I’ll leave you this voicemail, ill wait for your response