𝐁𝐀𝐁𝐘

“It’s not a mini. Perhaps a mini would have been a good idea, but they thought a full album would be a great thing for Earthshine.” If she ever had the chance to do it again, perhaps she would push for a mini or even a single, since Iota was and would be her priority. Summit loved to overwork them, it shouldn’t too much of a surprise that her solo album was the same thing.

They had never really fed her lies, she had always known it would be a lot of work, if her time as a trainee had been anything to go by. But being the leader of a group like Iota was definitely taking the best of her, especially with her members didn’t know how to behave and more often than not got in trouble, the one she had to fix with the help of their managers, before it become bigger.

“Please, you are like the perfect boyfriend image. Your fans always want more content, to see you all the time. I imagine that’s a lot of job.” She didn’t like acting like the perfect girlfriend, the Nation’s ideal type, but she did because it was part of the Iota image and, at the end of the day, but was what paid the bills. “I think we’re all just very busy, the way Summit likes it.”

“they definitely should have started out with a mini album. but either way i bet it’s perfect.” he said with a smile. and while that was true he did hate the way the companies treated their idols. they were robots meant to run off of fuel. in the eyes of the company they weren’t human and they weren’t allowed to show exhaustion. but with the way they worked them it was hard. full albums are a lot of work even with a group behind you. but the more songs the more likely it is to sell. it’s not like the company cares for its idols well being. but he was good at pretending he didn’t care or that he wasn’t as exhausted as he felt. he sometimes wished the ground would swallow him whole.

being an idol wasn’t a shock necessarily. he knew that it was taxing. that free time and breaks were rare. but he would have never guessed he would get to this point. compared to now training was easy. he doesn’t remember the last time he’s gotten a full nights sleep. and he doesn’t remember a time when he hasn’t had this weight on his shoulder. training was preparation for debuting, but you would never be prepared for debut no matter how hard you tried.

while he would love to make a solo debut he doesn’t think he can take it. twenty twenty’s schedule is already packed and to add extra work would be enough to break him. a solo debut would be a means to prove his worth. a way for him to work on his own image he wants to create for himself. he wouldn’t have to follow the image summit has created for the group, but the image summit wants to create for him.

𝚂𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚊 #𝟺 | 𝙵𝚎𝚊𝚛

wc : 602

including : hyejong ( oldest brother ) and hongyu ( older brother )

warning : brief mention of violence 

summary : pyung faces his biggest fear.

note : part one of a three part series detailing his three biggest fears. 

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with the grueling schedule of the day behind them, most of the members headed back towards their dorms or out for a quick bite to eat. after the long days they spent together, moonsoo considered it their right to take a break from each other. hunger hadn’t hit him yet and even though he was exhausted, he knew he was still hours away from sleep so he figured he’d go for a short walk before heading back to the dorms.

though there may be thirteen of them, moonsoo hadn’t expected to run into anyone before going back home. he recognized pyung instantly and, confused about what he was up to, he approached him to get a better look. it was only when he was close enough that he noticed something seemed off, but he couldn’t place the expression.

“hwapyung.” he greeted much softer than he usually spoke to other twentytwenty members, dropping the hardass attitude he was known to often have. “i thought you went home. what are you doing here?”

pyung cared for all his members in some way or another. and he tried to make that known. but not everyone reciprocates in the same way. there’s no doubt in his mind that his members care for him. he does know however that he’s a little more open about his love for them. moonsoo wasn’t the most open about his feelings. and pyung was okay with that. they were all there for one thing or another. some people have a better clue as to what they want. pyung doesn’t know what he wants.

in a group with 13 members it was hard to know what every member was doing. which meant after practice he never truly knew where the other members were headed. so to be making eye contact with moonsoo from his perch on the edge of the han river wasn’t what pyung was expecting. yes it was always a possibility but it wasn’t often that he found his members on the sidewalk that runs along the han river.

still, he cares for pyung, and something had pulled his feet to walk in his fellow member’s direction, if only the type of instinct that organically results from sharing the same schedule for six years.

gyumin only breathes in contented silence for a moment, eyes flitting over the water and the glow of the lights from the bridge. “ the weather’s nice tonight, ” he says, glancing over at pyung with curved lips. the chill of the winter is decisively over, and the sticky humidity of monsoon season has yet to settle in. “ have you had dinner yet ? ”

pyung lets out a small laugh when he recognizes the person as gyumin. he likes to think he watches out for the youngest of the group. but it’s kind of hard to watch out for someone else when your too busy trying to take care of yourself. as one of the youngest members pyung still gets watched over more than he watches over. he’s only 21 years old. he can barely help himself. he would probably hinder more than help. but even as one of the youngest he still looks our for his group. he has to. it fills a void inside him.

he’s careful when he goes out for walks. he’s aware of the members whereabouts and knows where they’re headed. he knows there won’t be run ins like his situation know. when he left the company he assumed all the members were headed to the dorm. but as he could clearly see he was wrong.

the han river is his favorite place to be. the river flowing underneath him while the moon shines from the dark night sky. the water flows so freely. he wants to be like the water. flowing in whatever direction the river takes him. he sometimes imagines what it would feel like to fall in. on slow nights like tonight it’s become harder to fight the urge.

but there’s always that nagging feeling in the back of his head. a little voice telling him not to fall in. despite another part of his mind telling him it would be peaceful. the ache he’s feeling would end. the two sides fight constantly and for the most part the little voice telling him not to go wins out.

but the little voice telling him to jump has gotten louder. the urge to jump becoming harder to fight. he doesn’t know why. doesn’t know what has changed? but he does know he’s tired. not just a physical ache in his bone but a ache in his heart. and he getting tired of fighting it.

despite his upbringing pyung believes everyone deserves to be treated with kindness. his emotions will not affect how he treats others. his world could be burning down and he’d still act like everything’s okay. It was the façade he knew so well. he sometime wonders what would happen if he let it slip for just a moment.

his parents weren’t saints, and they certainly weren’t kind. and he was happy they weren’t really present. his brothers raised him. they taught him how to treat people. but he couldn’t expect the same from everyone. everyone is raised differently. and everyone thinks in a different manner. especially when social interaction is concerned.

so when the older man replied in a hostile manner he wasn’t surprised. one thing you learn from being kind and sociable is not everyone reciprocates the conversation.

but he almost laughed at the apology the other man tried to give. he knew a half assed apology when he heard one. he heard the pause at the end. as if chanwook was trying to formulate an “apology”. he didn’t know what was worse, people who were just rude or those who tried to be fake nice. “it’s fine. but not everyone comes into the supermarket for the same reason. and you don’t necessarily have to have a reason. you can shop just to shop.”

𝖼𝗎𝗓 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗎𝗆𝖻𝗋𝖾𝗅𝗅𝖺 𝗐𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽 𝖼𝗈𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝖺𝖽 𝖿𝖺𝖼𝖾 

𝖼𝗎𝗓 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗋𝖺𝗂𝗇 𝗉𝖾𝗈𝗉𝗅𝖾 𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝖻𝗎𝗌𝗒 𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗆𝗌𝖾𝗅𝗏𝖾𝗌 it was raining in seoul. pyung didn’t mind the rain. as a child he would find himself running in the rain to his brothers house. or he’d be waking home hand in hand with his second oldest brother as the rain poured down on them. they’d walk into the house dripping wet. honggyu would walk into the walkway with two towels in hand. he’d have his homework spread across the table when they walked in the living room. they would sit around the coffee table wrapped in their towels doing homework.

but now he didn’t have a big brother to take care of him. when he came home drenched in rain he found himself warming up in a hot shower. he could hear his members walking around the dorm doing whatever they had planned for the day or night. it was at these moments he missed his brothers the most.

it was an three hours after they got out of practice and he was headed home from a night out with friends. he had lost track of time and had left the restaurant 10 minutes late.  he had missed the bus and the last one wouldn’t get here for another hour. he sighed and started making the hour long walk home.

exhaustion plagued him.

talk of him making a solo debut has come up. and he wouldn’t be opposed to a solo debut. it would be a chance for him to show the world what he’s got. a chance to prove to everyone he’s got what it takes. he was underground at a young age, and even then he had those he could count on. he was never truly alone.

but to make a solo debut he’d be doing it all on his own. there would be no one supporting him. maybe his fans. but they wouldn’t be there to physically comfort him. and now more than ever he needed that. his exhaustion would become its own entity. group activities don’t take a pause while he spent hours in the studio recording. it would be extra work on top of his already packed schedule.

twenty twenty spent all month promoting there repackage of love & letter. which meant they spent the month in the dance studio and backstage at music shows. there was no new content but it was still keeping the group busy.

he returned the smile. he looked toward the sky letting the wind hit him as he spoke. “sounds like you had a long day. week.  month. but at least you’ll have a mini album at the end of it.  no one ever tells you how hard it is to be an idol. but you get to create something that brings other people happiness.

𝚂𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚊 #3 | 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝 wc: 590

including : mentions of unnamed trainees

tw : anxiety attack 

summary : pyung suffers an anxiety attack while training.

𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗐𝗁𝗈 𝗐𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽 𝗎𝗇𝖽𝖾𝗋𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗇𝖽? 𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽? 𝗈𝗋 𝗒𝗈𝗎. 𝗇𝗈 𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐𝗌 𝗆𝖾 𝗐𝖾𝗅𝗅. being an idol was a dream that he never knew he had. growing up he was more concerned with finding love he would never get. rapping was his escape. but when his friends sent in an audition tape he never expected to get a call back. but here he was.

he was now the shell of the boy he used to be. he’s no longer the naïve little boy who started training five years ago.  he has no idea when he changed.  but as far as everyone else was concerned he was still the bright and soft boy they met when he first stared training. saeun was one of those people. he would never be able to tell her who he’s become. just like him she had a spark of light in her eye. she was kind and her heart was gold. 

they both stood in the park looking out at the scene in front of them. he was trying to act like he was happy. he had no other choice.

𝗂’𝗆 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖺𝗌𝗌𝗁𝗈𝗅𝖾 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝖻𝖾𝗅𝗂𝖾𝗏𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗌𝖾 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝖽𝗌, 𝗂 𝗅𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝗂 𝖼𝖺𝗇’𝗍 𝖽𝗂𝖾. when he first started training hwapyung was a bright eyed trainee. he wanted to throw himself into training. and when he debuted he was still bright eyed and he still had hope of making it big. he believed what he heard. he wanted to believe what the lies the company fed him. he wanted to prove to himself that he had what it took.

but now he wasn’t sure what he wanted. he wasn’t sure if his dreams were attainable or if he wanted to attain them. his exhaustion became a blanket that suffocated him. he barely had time to breathe. they were constantly being rushed from one schedule to the next. his days became like clockwork. wake up, practice, eat, sleep. and days off were far and in between. and he felt so alone despite constantly being surrounded by people. but the only people he saw were his members and the staff of summit. and while he was destroying himself his brothers had changed. so much that he no longer recognized them. they were moving forward with or without him, and there was nothing he could do about it.  

𝖽𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗆, 𝗆𝖺𝗒 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗍𝗋𝖺𝗂𝗅 𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗂𝗇 𝖿𝗎𝗅𝗅 𝖻𝗅𝗈𝗈𝗆.