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Summary: where sheâs inlove with Sherlock but he doesnât feel the same
Warnings : smut angst mean!sherlock kinda dumb reader , reader is Dih crazy lowkey
The air in Ferndell Hall felt heavier than usual, thick with the absence of Eudoria Holmes. It had been a week since sheâd vanished on Enolaâs sixteenth birthday, leaving only cryptic flower-etched cards and hidden coins that Enola had already deciphered enough to fund her escape. Youâher closest friend from the nearby village, the one whoâd spent years sneaking into the woods for archery lessons or late-night talksâhad come under the pretense of concern. Enola had written you a hurried note, begging you to visit before her brothers arrived to âsort things out.â
You arrived just as Mycroftâs carriage pulled up, his stern face set like stone. Sherlock followed, taller, broader, his dark coat swirling like smoke. He barely glanced your way as he stepped insideâthose piercing blue eyes scanning the room, the clues, everything but you.
Enola threw her arms around you the moment the door closed behind the brothers. âYouâre here,â she whispered, voice cracking just a little. âI thought maybe youâd ignore the note. Everyone else seems to think Iâm overreacting.â
You hugged her back tightly, breathing in the familiar scent of lavender and gunpowder residue from her motherâs old experiments. âIâd never ignore you, Enola. Not when your motherâs gone.â
She pulled back, eyes bright with determination. âIâm going to find her. Mycroft wants to ship me off to some finishing school like Iâm a broken vase that needs mending. Sherlock⊠well, heâs Sherlock. He thinks itâs a puzzle, not a person missing.â
You nodded, glancing toward the parlor where the brothers argued in low tones. Mycroftâs voice carriedâsharp, dismissive. Sherlockâs was quieter, measured, but you caught the edge of frustration.
What Enola didnât knowâwhat no one knewâwas that your loyalty to her had always been tangled with something sharper, more selfish. Youâd first met Sherlock years ago, when heâd come home briefly after one of his cases. A stolen conversation in the library, a brush of hands that turned into more. Twice now, in shadowed corners of London when youâd traveled there on errands, youâd ended up tangled in sheets at a discreet inn. Passionate, urgent, wordless almost. Afterward, heâd always pulled awayâcold again, distant.
âDonât call it that,â heâd said the last time, buttoning his shirt without looking at you. âIt was a mistake. A momentary lapse.â
Youâd laughed it off then, but the words burned. He never looked at you the way he looked at clues, or even at Enolaâwith curiosity, with reluctant fondness. To him, you were background noise, an inconvenience he indulged once or twice and then discarded.
Enola tugged your sleeve. âCome on. Help me pack what I need. Iâm leaving tonightâdisguised, of course. You can come with me partway, keep Mycroft from noticing Iâm gone too soon.â
You followed her upstairs, heart pounding. Downstairs, Sherlockâs voice rose slightlyâMycroft pressing about propriety, Sherlock countering with observations about the flowers, the cipher. You caught Sherlockâs silhouette in the doorway as you passed, and for a split second his gaze flicked to you. No warmth, no recognition of what had passed between you. Just a brief, assessing look, like you were another piece of furniture out of place.
It stung more than it should have.
In Enolaâs room, you helped her stuff a satchel with practical thingsâher motherâs old corset dagger, coins, a change of boyâs clothes sheâd stolen from the stable boy. She chattered the whole time, half-nervous, half-excited.
âI donât understand why Mother left without a word,â she said, folding a scarf. âShe always said we were a team. But Sherlock⊠he thinks he can solve it from here. Like sheâs just another case.â
You swallowed. âMaybe he doesnât want to admit he cares as much as he does.â
Enola snorted. âHe cares in his own way. Heâs kinder than Mycroft, at least. He looked at me like I might actually be useful.â
You forced a smile. âYouâre more than useful. Youâre brilliant.â
She beamed at you, oblivious to the ache in your chest. âYouâre the best friend anyone could have. I donât know what Iâd do without you here.â
The words twisted like a knife. Best friend. Thatâs all youâd ever be to herâbecause the real reason youâd stayed so close, the real reason youâd tolerated the awkward silences and the excuses, was downstairs. The man who wouldnât even meet your eyes now.
As night fell, Enola slipped out the back, disguised as a boy, you trailing behind to cover her tracks. You walked her to the edge of the estate, where the London train waited in the distance.
âBe careful,â you whispered, hugging her one last time. âFind her. And write when you can.â
âI will.â She grinned, fierce and fearless. âAnd when I do, youâll be the first to know. Promise youâll keep an eye on things here? Make sure they donât burn the house down arguing.â
You nodded. âPromise.â
She disappeared into the shadows, heading for the station.
You turned back toward the hall, the lights still burning in the windows. Sherlock stood on the porch now, alone, staring out into the dark as if he could see her trail already.
He didnât speak as you approached. Just watched you with that unreadable expression.
âYou knew she was leaving,â he said quietly. Not a question.
You lifted your chin. âSheâs not a prisoner.â
A faint twitch at the corner of his mouthâalmost a smile, but not quite. âNo. Sheâs a Holmes.â
Silence stretched. You waited for somethingâanythingâto acknowledge what had happened between you. An apology. A flicker of regret. Even anger.
Nothing.
He turned away, coat flaring. âGo home. This isnât your puzzle to solve.â
You watched him walk back inside, the door closing softly behind him.
And just like that, you were alone againâbest friend to Enola, mistake to Sherlock, and caught in the middle of a mystery you hadnât asked for.
But youâd keep your promise. Youâd watch, youâd wait, and maybeâjust maybeâone day heâd look at you like you mattered.
Or maybe not.
Either way, Enola was out there, chasing her mother, chasing her own path.
And youâd be here, still hoping for a glance that never came.
âââ
âOne year agoâ
He stood by the window, back to you, staring out at the dark gardens as if answers might crawl out of the hedges. His shoulders were rigid under the black coat. You watched the line of his jaw tighten, the way his fingers flexed against the sill.
âYou think Iâm mad,â you said into the quiet. The words came out softer than youâd intended.
Sherlock didnât turn. âI think youâre⊠persistent.â
A bitter laugh escaped you. âPersistent. Thatâs one word for it.â
He finally faced you then, eyes cool and unreadable in the firelight. Those same eyes that had looked at you in the dark of rented rooms, half-lidded with something youâd foolishly called desire. Something youâd called love.
âHow many times has it been now?â you asked, stepping closer. âFive? Seven? Iâve lost count. Every time you came to London, every time you said it was just convenient, just a distraction from the caseââ
âStop.â His voice was low, sharp. A warning.
But you were tired of warnings.
âWe made love,â you said, the phrase deliberate, defiant. âThatâs what it was. To me.â
His expression didnât change, but something flickered behind the iceâannoyance, perhaps, or the faintest discomfort. âWe did not make love. We had intercourse. Physical release. Nothing more.â
You felt the words like a slap. âThen what were we doing, Sherlock? Tell me. Enlighten me.â
He exhaled through his nose, a short, impatient sound. âWe were occupying the same space for a limited duration. Bodies in proximity. That is all.â
You closed the distance until you were barely a foot away. Close enough to smell tobacco and bergamot on his coat, close enough to see the pulse at the base of his throat. âYouâre lying to yourself. You think Iâm crazy because I feel something real. Because I let myself feel it.â
âI am not in love with you.â The words came out clipped, final, like a door slamming shut.
The room seemed to shrink. Your chest ached so fiercely you almost couldnât breathe.
âBut I am in love with you, Sherlock.â The confession burst out louder than youâd planned, raw and ragged. âIâve been in love with you since the first time you looked at me like I was more than background. Since you touched me like I mattered. And every time afterâevery single timeâyou let me believe it might be more. Then youâd leave. Youâd shrug it off. A mistake. A lapse. And Iâd still come back. Because I thoughtâGod help meâI thought one day youâd stop pretending.â
He stared at you for a long moment, expression blank in that terrifying way of his. No pity. No anger. Just observation.
âYou are confusing attachment with affection,â he said quietly. âChemical reactions in the brain. Dopamine. Oxytocin. Temporary states. They pass.â
âThen why do you keep letting it happen?â Your voice cracked. âWhy do you keep letting me in if itâs nothing?â
âBecauseââ He stopped. Jaw working. For the first time, he looked almost⊠human. Vulnerable for half a heartbeat before the mask snapped back. âBecause I am weak. And you are persistent.â
You laughed again, but there were tears in it this time. âThatâs your excuse? Weakness?â
âItâs the truth.â He took a single step back, putting space between you like it was evidence. âI do not feel what you feel. I cannot. I will not.â
The fire popped, sending sparks up the chimney.
You wiped at your eyes with the back of your hand. âEnola thinks youâre kinder than Mycroft. She doesnât know this side of you. The part that can look at someone whoâs given you everything and still call it nothing.â
His gaze dropped to the floor. Just for a second.
âGo home,â he said, softer now. Not cruel. Just tired. âThis isnât a puzzle you can solve. There is no solution here.â
You stood there a moment longer, memorizing himâthe sharp line of his cheekbones, the way the firelight caught in his dark hair, the stubborn set of his mouth. Then you turned.
At the door, you paused.
âOne day,â you said without looking back, âyouâll realize that love isnât a deduction. Itâs not something you can dismiss with logic. And when that day comes⊠donât expect me to still be waiting.â
You walked out into the cold night, the door closing behind you with a soft, final click.
Behind you, in the library, Sherlock Holmes remained exactly where he wasâalone, unmoving, staring at the empty space youâd left.
He didnât follow.
He never did.
ââ
âFlash backâ
The library door had barely clicked shut behind you that night months agoâsome rainy evening in London, another âcoincidentalâ meeting after one of his cases wrapped early. Youâd followed him to the small, anonymous boarding house he always used when he didnât want to be seen at the Diogenes or Baker Street. No words at first. Just the wet slap of your coat hitting the floor, his fingers already working the buttons of your blouse like heâd memorized them.
He never kissed you gently. Never started slow. It was always urgent, almost angryâlike he resented how much he wanted it. That night heâd pinned you against the wall just inside the door, mouth on your throat, teeth scraping, one hand fisted in your hair to tilt your head back while the other shoved your skirts up. Youâd gasped his nameâSherlockâand heâd growled low in response, âQuiet,â even though the room was empty except for the rain drumming the window.
Clothes came off in pieces. Your corset stayed half-lacedâhe liked the way it pushed your breasts up, the way the boning dug into your ribs when he pressed you down onto the narrow bed. He didnât undress fully; shirt open, trousers shoved down just enough. You remembered the scrape of wool against your bare thighs, the cold metal of his belt buckle pressing into your hip as he settled between your legs.
Heâd thrust in hard the first timeâno preamble, no teasingâjust thick, stretching heat that made your back arch off the mattress. Youâd cried out, nails raking down his shoulders, and heâd hissed through his teeth, âStill so tight,â like it surprised him every single time. Like he hadnât already ruined you for anyone else.
He moved like he was solving youâdeliberate, relentless, watching your face the whole time. Every hitch in your breath, every flutter of your lashesâhe cataloged it. When you clenched around him heâd curse under his breath, hips snapping harder, deeper, the headboard knocking the wall in steady rhythm. Youâd wrapped your legs around his waist, heels digging into the small of his back, pulling him in until there was no space left between you.
âSay it,â heâd demanded once, voice rough, forehead pressed to yours. âSay my name again.â
âSherlockââ It came out broken, half-moan, half-plea.
Heâd rewarded you with a grind so deep your vision blurred, thumb finding your clit and circling with ruthless precision until you shattered around him, sobbing his name into the crook of his neck. Only then did he let himself goâthree, four brutal thrusts before he buried himself to the hilt and came with a low, guttural sound that vibrated through your chest.
Afterward, always the same.
Heâd roll off you almost immediately, breathing hard, staring at the cracked ceiling like it owed him answers. Youâd turn onto your side, still trembling, skin slick with sweat, and lay your head on his chest without asking. He never pushed you awayânot right then. His heartbeat would thunder under your ear, fast at first, then slowing, steadying. Youâd trace idle patterns on his stomach with your fingertipsâover the faint scars, the line of dark hair that disappeared beneath the sheet heâd half-pulled up.
Youâd think, stupidly, This is it. This is real. He lets me stay. He lets me touch him like this. Youâd close your eyes and listen to the rain, to the slowing thud-thud-thud beneath your cheek, and convince yourself that the way his arm eventually draped across your backâloose, almost reluctantâwas affection. That the quiet sigh he let out when your breathing evened was contentment.
Youâd fall asleep like that every time. Curled against him, warm and sated and foolishly hopeful, his heartbeat lulling you under like a metronome.
And every time, youâd wake up alone.
Heâd be across the room alreadyâdressed, coat on, pipe in handâwatching you with that cool, detached expression. No morning kisses. No soft words. Just, âYou should go before the landlady starts asking questions.â
Youâd sit up, sheets pooling around your waist, still marked by his mouth on your throat, his fingers on your hips, and force a smile that didnât reach your eyes.
âUntil next time,â youâd say lightly.
Heâd never answer. Just nod once, sharp, and look away.
Youâd dress in silence, gather your things, and leaveâheart bruised but still beating for him.
Because even then, even knowing heâd call it nothing the next morning, youâd let him take you apart again. And again. And again.
Hoping one day heâd let you stay past dawn.
He never did.
ââ-
The rain hammered the windows of the small London boarding house like it was trying to break in. It was the night before Sherlock was due to leave for that wretched tripâsome case in the north, details he wouldnât share, as usual. Youâd come to say goodbye, or maybe to beg him not to go, or maybe just to see if heâd look at you one last time like you werenât an inconvenience.
The argument started small. You accused him of running away again. He called it necessity. Voices rose. Words sharpened.
Now you stood by the bed, still half-undressed from earlierâyour blouse open, hair tangled from his hands, skin still flushed and marked where his mouth had been. He was already buttoning his coat, movements precise, mechanical, like he could button away the last hour too.
âYouâre leaving again,â you said, voice shaking. âJust like always. And you wonât evenââ
âI have obligations,â he cut in, not looking up. âYou knew that.â
âI could be pregnant, Sherlock.â The lie burst out before you could stop it, desperate and cruel. âAnd you wouldnât even know. Or care.â
He froze. One button left undone. Slowly, he lifted his head, eyes narrowingâcold, assessing, the way he looked at a suspect whoâd just slipped up.
âYouâre not.â
You stared at him, chest heaving. âYou donât know that.â
âYouâre not.â Firmer this time. A statement of fact. Like heâd already deduced it from your pulse, your breathing, the way you hadnât touched your stomach protectively even once.
The room felt smaller. Hotter. You stepped closer, voice dropping to something raw and trembling.
âRemember the last time? Right here. On this bed. You had me on my back, legs over your shoulders, and youâGod, Sherlock, you buried yourself so deep I couldnât breathe. You groaned my nameâmy actual name, not some deductionâand then you came inside me. Hard. Deep. I felt every pulse. You didnât pull out. You never do. You just⊠stayed there, shuddering, whispering âChristâ against my throat like it hurt you to want me that much.â
His jaw clenched. He didnât move.
âAnd the time before that,â you continued, stepping even closer, close enough to see the flicker in his eyes. âIn the carriage after the opera. You dragged me onto your lap, shoved my skirts up, and fucked me right there with the curtains half-drawn. You bit my shoulder to keep quiet, but I heard youâthose broken moans when you spilled inside me again. âFuckââ you said. âJustâtake it.â Like you couldnât stop yourself. Like you needed to mark me.â
He exhaled sharply through his nose. âThis is beneath you.â
âIs it?â Tears burned your eyes but you refused to let them fall. âBecause every single time weâve done thisâevery time youâve come inside me without a thought, without protectionâyouâve acted like it means nothing. Like Iâm nothing. But your body doesnât lie, Sherlock. Your moans donât lie. The way you grip me like youâll never let go until itâs overânone of that lies.â
He finally met your gaze fully. No warmth. No apology. Just that impenetrable wall.
âIt was physical,â he said quietly. âInstinct. Release. I never promised more.â
âYou never had to promise.â Your voice cracked. âYou just⊠took. And I let you. Because I thoughtâstupidlyâthat feeling you lose control inside me meant something. That those moments when you couldnât hold back, when you were just a man and not the great Sherlock Holmes⊠that those were real.â
He finished the last button. Coat closed. Armor on.
âI am going,â he said. Flat. Final.
You laughed once, bitter and broken. âOf course you are. Run to your case. Run from this. From me. From the possibility that one day your precious logic wonât be enough to explain away what youâve doneâwhat weâve done.â
He paused at the door, hand on the knob. For half a second, something crossed his faceâregret? Pain? It was gone before you could name it.
âGoodbye,â he said. No nickname. No softness.
The door opened. Rain rushed in like a cold slap.
And then he was gone.
You stood there in the empty room, blouse still gaping, thighs still sticky with the evidence of him, listening to his footsteps fade down the hall.
You sank onto the bed. Curled into the sheets that still smelled like tobacco and sex and him.
And cried.
Because even nowâeven after everythingâyou knew if he came back tomorrow, youâd let him in again.
You always did.
ââ
When Enola ran away you knew exactly where she went and Sherlock knew youâd knew so thatâs why he went to you The knock came just after dusk, sharp and impatient, the kind of knock that announced authority rather than asked permission. You were already elbow-deep in flour, rolling out dough for the shepherdâs pie youâd promised yourself after the long dayâsomething warm, something grounding, something that wasnât Sherlock Holmes or the hollow ache heâd left behind.
You wiped your hands on the apron and opened the door.
Mycroft stood on your narrow stoop, immaculate coat buttoned to the throat despite the mild evening, expression carved from granite. Behind him, Sherlock loomed in shadowâcoat open, collar turned up, eyes flicking over your face like he was already cataloguing every micro-expression you tried to hide.
âMiss,â Mycroft began, voice clipped, âwe require information regarding my sister. Enola has absconded. You were her closest confidante. Where is she?â
You leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, flour dusting your cheek like war paint. âGood evening to you too, Mr. Holmes. And you, Sherlock. Lovely weather weâre having. Rain tomorrow, they say.â
Mycroftâs mouth thinned. âThis is no time for levity. Enola is sixteen, untrained, unprotectedââ
âUntrained?â You laughed once, short and sharp. âSheâs been dodging your governesses and Mycroftâs lectures since she could walk. If anyoneâs trained her, itâs your mother. And if sheâs gone, maybe she finally got tired of being treated like a problem to be solved instead of a person.â
Sherlock shifted behind his brotherâjust a subtle weight change from one foot to the otherâbut you felt it like static. Mycroft stepped forward half a pace. âWe have reason to believe she may have confided her intentions to you. Her destination. Her plans. You will tell us.â
You met his stare without blinking. âAnd if I donât?â
âThen you are obstructing justice,â Mycroft said coolly. âAnd I have the means to make that uncomfortable.â
You tilted your head. âThreats already? Thatâs new. Usually you just lecture people into submission.â You glanced past him to Sherlock, who hadnât spoken yet, hadnât looked away. âYou gonna arrest me too, or just stand there looking pretty?â
Sherlockâs jaw flexed. Mycroft exhaled through his nose like a bull about to charge.
âWe will find her regardless,â Mycroft said. âIt would be simplerâand safer for herâif you cooperated.â
You smiled, slow and sweet and utterly insincere. âI have a dinner to make. Shepherdâs pie. Minced lamb, carrots, onions, the works. Smells divine already. So if you donât mindâŠâ You gestured vaguely behind you, toward the warmth spilling from the open door. âUnless youâd like to stay for a plate. Though I warn you, I donât do seconds for people who threaten me on my own doorstep.â
Mycroftâs eyes narrowed to slits. âThis is not a social call.â
âClearly.â You stepped back, hand on the door. âGood night, gentlemen.â
You started to close it.
Sherlockâs gloved hand caught the edgeâgently, but firm enough that you couldnât budge it without making a scene.
Mycroft glanced at him, surprised. âSherlockââ
âIâll handle this,â Sherlock said quietly. Not looking at his brother. Looking at you.
Mycroft hesitated, then gave a curt nod. âVery well. I shall return to the hall. Do not dawdle.â He turned on his heel and strode back toward the waiting carriage, coat flapping like a ravenâs wing.
The door stayed half-open. Sherlock didnât move to come in. Just stood there, rain beginning to speckle the shoulders of his coat.
You sighed. âYouâre letting the heat out.â
He stepped inside without being invited. Closed the door behind him. The cottage suddenly felt smallerâtoo many memories of London boarding houses, too much of him in your space again.
You turned back to the kitchen, picked up the rolling pin like it was a weapon, and attacked the dough with more force than necessary. âSit if you want. Donât touch anything.â
He didnât sit. He leaned against the wall near the hearth, arms crossed, watching you work. The silence stretched until it hurt.
You slammed the pie into the oven, wiped your hands again, and finally looked at him. âAsk.â
âWhere is she?â
You snorted. âYou think Iâd tell you after what you said to me last time? After you walked out like I was nothing?â
His gaze didnât waver. âSheâs in danger.â
âSheâs smarter than both of you combined. Sheâll be fine.â
Another beat. Then, quieter: âHow have you been?â
The question landed like a stone in still water. You froze, rolling pin still in hand.
You laughedâlow, bitter. âReally? Thatâs what you lead with? Not âIâm sorryâ? Not âI was wrongâ? Just⊠how have you been?â
He didnât flinch. âIâm asking.â
You set the rolling pin down. Hard. âIâve been breathing. Working. Trying not to think about how you looked me in the eye and said everything we did meant nothing. How you left me standing in that room still smelling like you. How I cried myself sick after you shut the door. So, fine, Sherlock. Iâve been just fine.â
He swallowed onceâbarely noticeable, but you saw it.
âI didnât come here to fight,â he said.
âThen why did you stay?â
âBecause Mycroft would have kept pressing. Because I needed to seeââ He stopped. Jaw tight. âBecause I needed to know you were all right.â
You stared at him. The fire crackled. The pie bubbled in the oven, filling the room with the smell of thyme and comfort.
âIâm not all right,â you said softly. âBut Iâm not telling you where she is either. She trusted me. Thatâs more than you ever did.â
He looked away thenâfirst time all nightâtoward the window where rain streaked the glass. âShe left a flower on the train seat. Marigold. Grief. But also a message. Sheâs not running blind.â
You didnât answer. Didnât need to. He already knew you knew more than you were saying.
He straightened. âIâll find her.â
âI know you will.â You turned back to the stove, checked the pie even though it didnât need checking. âBut when you do⊠donât drag her back like a criminal. Let her choose.â
Silence again.
Then, quieter than youâd ever heard him: âThe pie smells good.â
You almost laughed. Almost. âItâs almost done.â
He didnât move to leave. Just stood there, watching you, the firelight carving shadows across his face.
You didnât offer him a plate.
He didnât ask.
But he stayed until the rain eased, until the pie cooled on the sill, until the silence between you felt less like a wound and more like something that might one day heal
You stood by the stove, back to him, the weight of his questionâHow have you been?âstill hanging in the air like smoke. You didnât answer. Didnât turn around.
When you finally did, he was closer than you expected. Not touching. Just⊠there. Eyes locked on yours, unreadable but burning. The space between you crackled. No words. No warning.
Thenâ
The mattress dipped under your combined weight, clothes scattered across the floor like shed skins. You were on top, knees braced on either side of his hips, hands planted on his chest as you sank down onto him in one hard, deliberate motion. No kisses. No tenderness. Just raw need.
He filled you completely, thick and hot, and you didnât give either of you time to adjust. You rolled your hips once, twice, then started riding him with fierce, punishing rhythmâfast, aggressive, chasing your own release like it was the only thing that mattered. Your nails dug into his shoulders through the open shirt he hadnât fully removed. His hands gripped your waist, fingers bruising, but he let you set the pace. Let you use him.
You ground down harder, clit dragging against him with every thrust, breath coming in sharp gasps. The bed creaked under the force of it. Sweat slicked your skin. You didnât look at his faceâcouldnâtâkept your eyes squeezed shut, focused only on the building pressure, the friction, the way he stretched you open again and again.
He groaned low in his throat, hips jerking up to meet you once, twiceâlosing control despite himself. You felt him swell inside you, felt the tell-tale twitch, and you clenched deliberately, riding faster, merciless.
âChristââ The word tore out of him, rough and broken, as he cameâdeep, pulsing, flooding you with heat. The sensation pushed you over. You shattered around him, thighs trembling, a sharp cry ripping from your throat as pleasure slammed through you in brutal waves.
You didnât linger. Didnât collapse onto his chest like before. The second the aftershocks faded, you rolled off him, swung your legs over the side of the bed, and stood putting a blouse over your head , back to him, breathing hard.
Behind you, the rustle of sheets. His voice, calm againâtoo calm, like nothing had happened.
âI know you know where Enola is. Letâs make this easy. Tell me where she is.â
You didnât turn. Just stared at the wall, feeling him still inside you, dripping down your thigh.
Silence.
He exhaled onceâquiet, resigned.
âVery well, then.â
The soft sounds of him dressing: shirt buttons, belt buckle, coat sliding over shoulders. Precise. Methodical. Like always.
The door opened. Closed.
You stayed standing long after his footsteps faded into the night
ââ-
The carriage rattled over the cobblestones toward Miss Harrisonâs Finishing School for Young Ladies, a gray stone prison disguised as refinement. Enola sat opposite you, wrists lightly bound (more for show than necessityâLestradeâs men knew she could slip them if she wanted), her boyish disguise stripped away, replaced by a stiff, borrowed dress that made her look younger, smaller, angrier.
Theyâd allowed you one brief visit before the gates closedâcourtesy of Mycroftâs grudging permission, or perhaps Sherlockâs quiet intervention. You werenât sure which. Either way, here you were, squeezed into the cramped compartment with a stern matron watching from the corner like a hawk.
Enolaâs eyes were bright, defiant, even with the dirt smudged on her cheek and her hair pinned back severely. âYou came,â she said, voice low so the matron wouldnât catch every word.
âOf course I came.â You reached across the small space, squeezing her hand quickly before the matron cleared her throat. âI promised Iâd keep an eye on things, didnât I?â
She gave a short, wry laugh. âAnd howâs that going? Mycroft still furious?â
âFurious is his natural state. SherlockâŠâ You hesitated, the name tasting like smoke and regret. âHeâs searching. Relentlessly.â
Enola studied your face, sharp as ever. âHe came to your cottage, didnât he? After I left.â
You didnât answer. Didnât need to. She saw it anywayâthe faint shadows under your eyes, the way your mouth tightened.
âBe careful,â she said softly. âHe breaks things he doesnât mean to.â
The carriage slowed. Iron gates creaked open ahead.
You leaned in, voice barely a whisper. âFind a way to write. Iâll get the messages out. And when you escape this placeâand you willâIâll be waiting.â
She squeezed your fingers back, fierce. âI know.â
The matron stood. âTimeâs up.â
You rose, heart heavy, as the guards moved to escort Enola out. At the door, you paused, looked back at her one last time.
-/ââ
The knock came lateâtoo late for politeness, too early for regret. Rain lashed the windows of your cottage, turning the world outside into a gray blur. You opened the door with a towel still in hand from drying dishes, heart stuttering at the sight of him: coat soaked, hair curling damp against his forehead, eyes shadowed in that way that meant a case had gnawed at him all day.
Or maybe it was something else.
âWhat do you want, Sherlock?â You leaned against the frame, arms crossed, voice steady even as your pulse betrayed you.
He stepped inside without waiting for an invitation, water dripping from his coat onto your floorboards. He shrugged it off, hung it by the door like he belonged there. Like he hadnât walked out weeks ago without a backward glance.
âI was in the area,â he said, voice low, avoiding your eyes as he scanned the roomâthe half-eaten pie on the table, the fire dying in the grate, the single teacup by the chair.
You arched a brow. âIn the area. Right. Try again.â
He paced two steps, hands clasped behind his back. Stopped. Glanced at you, then away. âThereâs been⊠developments. With Enola. Sheâs safe, for now. Escaped the school. Again.â
âThatâs not why youâre here.â
His jaw tightened. He cleared his throat once. Twice. âThe weather is inclement.â
You just looked at him. Unblinking. Waiting.
He exhaled sharply through his nose, a rare crack in the composure. âYouâre really going to make me say it.â
âMhmm.â You didnât move. Didnât make it easy.
He closed the distance in three strides, hands cupping your faceâgentler than you expected, thumbs brushing your cheeks like he was memorizing the feel of your skin. His eyes searched yours, stormy and conflicted.
âBecause I miss you,â he said, voice rough, almost angry at himself for admitting it.
Then he kissed you.
Not tentative. Not asking. Claimingâlike the weeks apart had starved him. His mouth slanted over yours, hot and demanding, tongue sliding in to taste you like heâd been dreaming of it. You gasped into him, hands fisting his shirt, pulling him closer even as part of you screamed to push him away.
He backed you toward the bedroom, hands already working your dress buttons, mouth never leaving yours. Clothes fell in a trailâyour apron, his waistcoat, your chemise shoved down your shoulders. By the time the bed hit the back of your knees, you were bare, skin prickling in the cool air, and he was shedding the last of his restraint.
He laid you down slowly this timeânot the frantic rush of before. Eyes locked on yours as he settled between your thighs, one hand sliding up your leg, tracing the curve of your hip, the dip of your waist. You arched when his fingers found you already wet, circling your clit with that maddening precision until you were writhing, begging without words.
âSherlockââ It came out breathless.
He groaned low, positioning himself, and pushed inâslow, deliberate, letting you feel every inch. Your back bowed off the bed, nails scraping down his back as he filled you completely. He stilled for a moment, forehead pressed to yours, breathing ragged.
Then he moved.
Deep, rolling thrusts that hit every spot inside you, building slow and relentless. You wrapped your legs around his waist, heels digging into his ass to pull him deeper. His mouth found your neck, sucking marks into your brown skin, teeth grazing your collarbone. One hand pinned your wrist above your head; the other slipped between you, thumb working your clit in tight circles.
You came firstâhard, clenching around him, crying out his name as pleasure crashed over you in waves. He followed seconds later, burying himself deep with a guttural moan, spilling inside you in hot pulses that left you both trembling.
After, he didnât roll away.
He stayed inside you a moment longer, then shifted to his back, pulling you with him so you lay draped across his chestâyour head over his heartbeat, one leg tangled with his. His fingers traced lazy patterns on your bare back, almost tender.
The fire popped in the other room. Rain softened against the roof.
You pressed a kiss to his skin, just above his heart.
âI love you,â you whispered. The words youâd screamed before, the ones heâd dismissed. But softer now. Real.
His hand stilled on your back.
Then resumed, slower.
âI know,â he said quietly.
Not a confession. Not yet.
But he didnât leave.
And for tonight, that was enough.
The Maddy is jealous narrative is already being pushed hard after this episode like that girl isn't jealous. She's hurt. There's a difference but they see her looking sad and think that means she wants Nate and she wants Cassie's life when whole time her former best friend is marrying the man who treated her like shit and she's watching in real time as that same girl looks perfectly content with her actions that maddy was collateral damage of
Not to mention she's valid to feel some type of way about the difference in treatment especially after his mom's speech. You can clock the switch up and still feel hurt that you were done a certain way without being jealous
Warnings: Explicit smut (oral sex focus), heavy toxicity, manipulation, arguments, sexual frustration cheating
Summary: where reader isnât ready for sex but Elliot had different plans
ââ-
(Past)
The first few months with Elliot felt like a fever dream you couldnât wake up from.
You told him straight up on your third date, sitting in his car after he drove you home from a late-night drive where he played guitar for you under streetlights. Your voice was soft, nervous, fingers twisting in your lap as your curls framed your face.
âI really like you, Elliot. But⊠Iâm a virgin. Iâve never had a boyfriend before. I want to wait on actual sex. Is that okay with you?â
He looked at you with those sleepy, half-lidded eyes and gave you that crooked smile. âYeah, baby. Of course. I can wait. Youâre worth it.â
You believed him.
At first, things stayed mostly innocent. Sweet kisses that turned heated in his room or in the backseat. His hands on your waist, your thighs, cupping your face while he tasted the cherry lip gloss on your lips. You let him touch your breasts over your shirtâsqueezing, thumbs brushing your nipples until you whimpered into his mouth. Youâd grind against his lap sometimes, feeling how hard he got, but you always stopped before it went too far.
But Elliot hated waiting.
The arguments started small and grew.
One night, you were in his bedroom after another house party. Maddy had texted you twice asking where you were, but you ignored her. Elliot had you straddled on his lap on the edge of his bed, your skirt riding up your thick thighs, your dark brown skin warm against his pale hands. The makeout was getting intenseâtongues sliding, his teeth tugging your bottom lip. You could feel his erection pressing up through his jeans.
His hand started sliding up your thigh, fingers slipping under the hem of your skirt, aiming straight for your panties.
You grabbed his wrist gently but firmly. âElliot⊠no. Not yet.â
He groaned against your mouth, frustrated. âCome on, baby. Just let me touch you. Iâve been good. Iâm not asking for everything.â
âI said wait,â you whispered, pulling back a little. Your heart was racing. You felt guilty for saying no, but the idea of going further made your stomach twist with nerves.
He pulled his hand away, but the energy shifted. The kiss turned rougher, more demanding. Then he tried againâfingers tugging at the button of his own jeans, popping it open like he was about to free himself.
You stopped him, pushing his hands away. âElliot, stop.â
Thatâs when he got mad.
He shoved you off his lapânot hard enough to hurt, but enough to make you stumble back onto the bed. His face twisted with irritation as he stood up, running a hand through his messy hair. âFuck this. Iâm not doing this blue-balled bullshit every time weâre together. You say you like me but you treat me like Iâm some fucking creep for wanting my girlfriend.â
âElliotââ Your voice cracked. You sat up, skirt still bunched up, chest heaving.
He was already grabbing his hoodie from the chair, heading toward the door like he was really about to leave. âNah, Iâm out. Go find some other guy whoâs cool with just making out like weâre in middle school.â
Your heart dropped. Panic hit you hardâthe thought of him walking away, maybe finding some other girl who would give him what he wanted. The girl who wasnât âuptightâ like everyone said you were becoming.
âWait!â you called out, voice small and desperate. You slid off the bed and grabbed his arm before he could reach the doorknob. âDonât go. Please.â
He stopped but didnât turn around fully, shoulders tense. âThen what? You gonna keep teasing me?â
You swallowed hard, cheeks burning with shame and embarrassment. Your innocent side screamed at you not to do this, but the fear of losing him won. âI⊠I can suck your dick.â
ââ-
(Past )
It was a lazy Thursday evening in Elliotâs room. The curtains were half-drawn, casting a dim orange glow across the posters and scattered clothes on the floor. You were straddling his lap on his unmade bed, your thick thighs bracketing his hips, your skirt riding up just enough to expose smooth dark skin. Your curls fell around your face like a curtain as you kissed himâslow, deep kisses that tasted like the cherry soda youâd been drinking earlier and the faint weed on his breath.
Elliotâs hands started innocent enough: one on your waist, the other stroking your back under your cropped top. But you knew him by now. He was testing.
His fingers crept higher, sliding up the inside of your thigh, slow and deliberate, inching toward the edge of your panties. You didnât say anything. You just kept kissing him, pretending not to notice, while gently but firmly moving his hand back down to your knee every time it wandered too close.
He tried again. This time his palm pressed flat against your inner thigh, thumb brushing dangerously close to the heat between your legs. You shifted, pushing his hand away once more without breaking the kiss, your lips still moving against his like nothing was happening.
Elliotâs patience snapped.
He roughly grabbed your hips and yanked you off his lap, practically shoving you to the side of the bed. The sudden movement made you gasp, your body bouncing slightly on the mattress as your skirt flipped up. His face was flushed with frustration, eyes narrowed.
âWhat the fuck is your problem?â he snapped, voice low and sharp. He sat up straighter, running a hand through his messy brown hair. âYouâre just gonna keep moving my hand like Iâm some little kid who canât touch his own girlfriend? Weâve been together for weeks and youâre still acting like this?â
You sat there, chest heaving, lips swollen from kissing. Your dark brown skin felt hot with embarrassment and a flicker of fear. âI⊠I didnât say anything because I didnât want to ruin the moment,â you whispered, voice small. âI just⊠Iâm not ready for that yet.â
âNot ready?âThatâs some twisted shit, baby. Youâre teasing me on purpose.â
âIâm not teasing!â Your voice cracked as you scrambled to your knees on the bed, trying to reach for him. âI told you from the beginning I wanted to wait on sex. You said you were okay with it.â
âYeah, well, Iâm not okay with blue balls and getting cockblocked every five minutes!â He grabbed his hoodie from the chair, slinging it over his shoulder like he was really about to walk out. âMaybe I should just go find someone who actually wants me to touch them. Someone who isnât scared of her own fucking body.â
The panic hit you instantlyâthe same sick twist in your stomach every time he threatened to leave. Images flashed through your mind: him with some other girl at a party, laughing, touching her freely while you sat home feeling worthless. Maddyâs warnings echoed faintly, but they were drowned out by the fear.
âWaitâElliot, donât go,â you pleaded, voice trembling. You crawled to the edge of the bed and grabbed his arm, your manicured nails digging lightly into his skin. âPlease. I⊠Iâll let you finger me. Just this once. Okay?â
He stopped, turning to look at you. His expression softened into that dangerous mix of triumph and hunger. The hoodie dropped back onto the chair. âYeah? You sure this time? Or are you gonna move my hand again like a little tease?â
You nodded quickly, even as shame burned in your chest. âIâm sure. Just⊠be gentle?â
Elliot smirked and pushed you back onto the bed, crawling over you. âGentle, huh? Weâll see.â
He kissed you againâharder this time, almost punishingâas his hand slid back up your thigh. This time you didnât stop him. Your legs parted slightly, heart hammering, as his fingers reached your panties. He rubbed you over the fabric first, feeling the damp spot that had formed despite your nerves. A low groan escaped him.
âAlready wet .â
You whimpered against his mouth as he pushed your panties aside, his fingers sliding through your slick folds. Two fingers circled your clit slowly at first, then faster, drawing shaky moans from your throat. Your dark brown skin flushed deeper as heat built between your legs.
When he pushed one finger inside you, the stretch made you gasp and tense up. It was uncomfortableâforeignâbut not painful. He pumped it slowly, curling it, searching for that spot that made your hips jerk.
âFuck, youâre so tight,â he muttered against your neck, sucking a mark into your skin that youâd have to hide from your mom later. âRelax, baby. Let me make you feel good.â
A second finger joined the first. The fullness made your breath hitch. He scissored them gently at first, then started thrusting with more rhythm, his thumb pressing firm circles on your clit. Wet sounds filled the roomâobscene and loud in the quiet space. Your hands fisted the sheets, curls sticking to your forehead as pleasure started overriding the guilt.
âElliot⊠oh god,â you moaned, hips starting to rock against his hand despite yourself. Tears pricked your eyesânot from pain, but from the overwhelming mix of shame and unwanted ecstasy.
He watched your face the whole time, eyes dark. âThatâs it. Let go.
You came with a broken cry, clenching around his fingers, your thighs trembling around his wrist. The orgasm ripped through you hard and fast, leaving you panting and dazed on the bed.
Elliot pulled his hand out slowly, bringing his glistening fingers to his mouth to taste you. He groaned in approval.
You lay there afterward, skirt still pushed up, panties askew, feeling exposed and dirty. The guilt crashed in immediately. Youâd let him go further than you wanted. Again. Your body still buzzed from the high, but your mind screamed at you for giving in.
He collapsed beside you, pulling you against his chest like nothing had happened. One hand stroked your curls almost tenderly. âSee? That wasnât so bad. Next time you wonât fight me so hard.â
You didnât answer. You just curled into him, silent tears slipping down your cheeks while he reached for a joint on the nightstand, lighting it as if the argument had never occurred.
The cycle was tightening its grip.
You were changing faster than you could stop it.
A/n Tell me if yalll want me to finsh and if you likeee

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Warnings : Teen pregnancy unplanned pregnancy Breakup exes to co-parents kicked out by mom)Poverty financial hardship / eviction threatsAngst heartbreak unresolved feelings cursing
Summary : where your teen parents with soda ,
You always knew SodaPop Curtis was troubleâthe good kind, the kind that made your heart race like a stolen car down a backroad. It started back in high school, sophomore year, when you were the new girl in Tulsa, fresh from the North Side where things were a little less rough but no less lonely. Your family had moved for your dadâs job, but it didnât take long for the divides to show: greasers vs. Socs, and you, with your dark skin and city ways, fitting nowhere easy.
Soda noticed you first in the hallway, flashing that grin that could melt steel. âHey, beautiful. You lost?â Heâd leaned against the lockers like he owned the place, Pepsi in hand, hair greased back just so. You rolled your eyes, but damn if your stomach didnât flip. He was persistent, showing up at your locker with stolen flowers from someoneâs yard or notes scribbled on ripped notebook paper: âMeet me at the DX after school? -S.P.â
The first kiss happened under the bleachers during a football game neither of you cared about. His hands were gentle, calloused from working on cars, and he tasted like cherry cola. From there, it was on: stolen moments in his beat-up truck, late-night walks by the river where youâd talk about everythingâhis brothers, your dreams of getting out of this town, how the world seemed stacked against kids like you. But it was off just as quick. Fights over nothingâjealousy when heâd flirt with some Soc girl at the drive-in, or youâd pull away because your mom hated âthose boysâ and the stares you got for being together.
Youâd break up, swear it was over, then heâd show up at your window at midnight with that puppy-dog look. âCâmon, baby. I canât sleep without you.â And youâd cave, because the love was real, bone-deep. The kind where heâd defend you from slurs whispered in the halls, or youâd sneak food to the Curtis house when times were tight. On again, off again, like a faulty engine that kept sputtering back to life.
Then came the pregnancy. You were both barely out of school. It was after one of those makeup nights, tangled up in the back of his truck under a blanket of stars. You didnât plan itâhell, you werenât even thinking straight. But when the test turned positive, everything shifted. Sodaâs face when you told him: shock, then a fierce protectiveness. âWeâre keepinâ it,â he said, pulling you close. âIâll marry you tomorrow if you want. Weâll make it work.â
You tried. God, you tried. Moved in together for a bit in a cramped room above the DX, courtesy of his boss pulling strings. Soda worked double shifts, coming home smelling like oil and exhaustion,talk to your belly like the baby could hear. âHey, little guy. Your moms the strongest person I know.â You loved him more than ever, seeing him step upâborrowing books from the library on parenting, promising forever.
But reality hit hard. Your mom flipped, calling you every name in the book before kicking you out with nothing but a suitcase. âYou ruined your life with that white trash,â she spat, slamming the door. Sodaâs side wasnât much better; money was always short, and the stress built like storm clouds. Fights turned uglyâover bills, over him staying out late with the gang to blow off steam, over you feeling trapped and scared. âYou think youâre ready for this?â youâd yell. âWe canât even keep the lights on!â
One night, it shattered. You were seven months along, swollen and aching, when he came home late again. Words flew like knives: accusations, regrets. âMaybe we ainât cut out for this,â he finally said, voice breaking. You agreed through tears, packing your things that same hour. The breakup stuck this time, not because the love fadedâit burned brighter, twisted with painâbut because neither of you were ready. You for the long haul of motherhood alone, him for the weight of it all on top of his familyâs burdens.
Malik came into the world screaming, with Soda right there in the delivery room, holding your hand until his knuckles turned white. âHeâs perfect,â he whispered, tears in his eyes as he cut the cord. But after, you went your separate waysâhim back to the Curtis house, you to that rundown apartment, piecing together a life from diner shifts and pride.
Even now, a year later, the love lingers in the little things: the way his eyes soften when he sees you, the extra cash he slips you without a fight, the unspoken âwhat ifâ hanging in the air. You werenât ready then, but maybe, just maybe, timeâs changing that. For Malikâs sake. For yours
ââââ
Current -
The morning sun barely filtered through the cracked blinds of your tiny apartment, the kind of place where the walls were thin enough to hear the neighbors arguing and the heat came in fits and starts. Your one-year-old son, Malik, was babbling happily on the worn rug, clutching a stuffed bear that had seen better days. You were already in your uniform for the dinerâfaded pink dress, apron stained from yesterdayâs greaseâtrying to stretch the last of the formula and diapers until payday.
Your mom had kicked you out right after you told her about the pregnancy, said she wasnât raising âsome mistakeâ under her roof. That left you here, scraping by on tips and pride, co-parenting with the one person who still made your heart do stupid flips even after everything fell apart.
You scooped Malik up, pressing a kiss to his soft curlsâhis hair was all Soda, wild and dark, but his eyes were yours. âCâmon, baby boy. We gotta go see Daddy before Mamaâs shift.â
The walk to the Curtis house wasnât far, but it felt longer with a wiggly toddler on your hip and worry gnawing at your gut. Rent was due tomorrow, and you were short. Again.
When you knocked, Darry answered, looking tired but softening the second he saw Malik. âHey, little man.â He took him gently, bouncing him as Malik squealed. âSodaâs in the back, gettinâ ready.â
You stepped inside, the familiar smell of coffee and motor oil hitting you like a memory. Soda appeared from the hallway, hair still damp from the shower, buttoning up his DX shirt. He looked goodâtoo goodâand it stung.
His eyes flicked to you, then to Malik in Darryâs arms, and something tightened in his jaw. âHey.â Simple word, but it carried weight.
âHey.â You shifted your weight. âI, uh⊠I hate to do this, butââ
He sighed, already knowing. âHow much?â
You swallowed. âOnly about thirty. If you donât have it, itâs fine, I swear. But if I canât cover rent, theyâre gonna evict us, and I canâtâI canât have him in a shelter, Soda.â
Malik reached for his dad then, chubby arms out, babbling âDa-daâ in that heart-melting way. Sodaâs expression cracked. He stepped forward, taking Malik from Darry like the kid weighed nothing, holding him close against his chest. Malik grabbed at Sodaâs collar, giggling.
Soda looked at his son for a long beat, then back at you. His voice was low, frustrated, but not mean. âSeriously? How much do you need?â
âThirty you repeated, quieter. âJust to get us through. I get paid Friday .
He bounced Malik gently, the way he always did when he was thinking hard. You could see the war in his eyesâthe same one that had been there since you broke up right after Malik was born. Things had been good once. Real good. Then life happened: money fights, your momâs venom, the stress of a baby neither of you planned for Youâd both said things you couldnât take back.
He shifted Malik to one arm, reached into his back pocket with the other, and pulled out his wallet. Counted out thirty in crumpled bills, then added an extra ten. âHere. Take forty. Buy him some real food, not just that cheap stuff.â
âSodaââ
âDonât.â He handed you the money, careful not to let your fingers brush too long. âAnd donât walk all the way here next time if itâs cold. Call. Iâll come get himâor you. Whatever.â
You nodded, throat tight. Malik was nuzzling into Sodaâs neck now, content. Seeing them together always hit you hardestâthe way Sodaâs whole face lit up, the way he held your son like he was the only thing that mattered.
âThanks,â you whispered.
Soda looked at you then, really looked. âYou donât gotta thank me for takinâ care of my kid. Or you.â He paused, voice dropping. âYou know that, right?â
You didnât answer, just reached for Malik. Soda handed him over reluctantly, brushing a hand over the babyâs head one last time.
âShift starts soon,â you said, stepping back toward the door. âIâll pick him up after close. Darry said he could watch him if youâre at work.â
âYeah. Weâll be fine.â Soda shoved his hands in his pockets. âJust⊠be safe walkinâ home tonight, alright?â
You gave a small smile, the kind that didnât quite reach your eyes. âAlways am.â
As you left, Malik waved over your shoulder, babbling at his dad. Soda stood in the doorway watching until you turned the corner, the weight of everything unsaid hanging between you like Tulsa summer heat.
Maybe one day youâd talk about itâreally talk. About the breakup, the hurt, the way you still loved him even when you pretended not to. But for now, it was just another day of surviving, one borrowed dollar and one shared son at a time.
ââ
The next afternoon dragged slow at the dinerâgrease, coffee refills, and the kind of tips that barely covered bus fare. Your feet ached in those cheap non-slip shoes, but the clock finally hit four, and you untied your apron with shaky fingers. Rent was paid (barely, thanks to Sodaâs forty bucks), Malik had spent the night and most of today with the Curtises, and now it was time to bring him home.
You walked the familiar route, the late February wind cutting through your thin jacket. The Curtis house looked the same as always: peeling paint, porch light flickering, but somehow warmer than your own place ever felt. You knocked once, soft, and Soda opened the door almost immediately, like heâd been waiting.
Malik was on his hip, cheeks flushed from playing, one tiny hand clutching the front of Sodaâs DX shirt. The baby lit up when he saw you, reaching out with both arms and squealing âMa-ma!â loud enough to make Ponyboy poke his head out from the living room with a grin.
âHey,â Soda said, voice easy but careful, the way it always got around you now. He stepped aside to let you in. âHeâs been an angel. Ate like a champ, took a good nap. Darry even read him that picture book about the trucks three times.â
You smiled despite yourself, reaching for Malik. âThanks for keeping him. I know you had work this morning.â
Soda shrugged, transferring the toddler gently into your arms. Malik immediately buried his face in your neck, warm and smelling faintly of baby shampoo and the faint motor-oil scent that always clung to Soda. âNo big deal. Heâs good company.â
You lingered in the doorway, rocking Malik on instinct. The house was quiet except for the low hum of the TV in the backgroundâsome old western Darry liked. Soda rubbed the back of his neck, that nervous habit heâd had since you were kids.
âYou, uh⊠you look pretty,â he said suddenly, almost like the words slipped out before he could catch them. His eyes flicked over youâyour hair pulled back in a bun, uniform still on under your coat, lipstick long faded from the day. But he said it like he meant it, soft and sincere.
Heat crept up your cheeks anyway. âThank you,â you murmured, looking down at Malikâs curls so you wouldnât have to meet Sodaâs gaze too long. âLong shift. Feel more like roadkill than pretty.â
He huffed a small laugh, stepping closer without crowding you. âNo You always look good. Even when youâre tired.â
The compliment hung there, simple and dangerous, stirring up all the old feelings you tried to keep buried under bills and exhaustion. You swallowed, bouncing Malik lightly. âI should get him home. dinner, the usual.â
âYeah.â Soda nodded, but he didnât move right away. His hand brushed Malikâs back once, then hesitated like he wanted to touch you too but thought better of it. âYou need anything? Groceries? Diapers? I can swing by the store later ifââ
âWeâre okay,â you said quickly, though the fridge at home was looking sad. âReally. Thanks, though.â
He searched your face for a second, like he was trying to read between the lines the way he used to. âAlright. Just⊠call if you change your mind. Doorâs always open for you two.â
You gave a small nod, throat tight. âI know.â
Sodaâs whole face softened, that big, heartbreaking grin breaking through. âBye, little man. See you soon.âYou stepped off the porch, Malik waving his little hand over your shoulder with a sleepy âBye-! that made your
chest ache in the best way. The cold February air nipped at your cheeks as you started down the cracked sidewalk, but you could still feel the weight of Sodaâs gaze on your backâhe hadnât moved from the doorway, still leaning against the frame, eyes following you like he was memorizing the way you walked away.
Behind him, Darry was slouched in the armchair by the window, the latest Hot Rod magazine open across his lap. He hadnât said a word the whole time you were there, just watched with that quiet, big-brother radar of his. But the second the door clicked shut and your footsteps faded down the steps, he let out a low, rumbling laugh.
âNo fuckinâ chance,â Darry said from the corner, not even looking up from the page he was pretending to read.
Sodaâs head snapped around, cheeks already flushing under the grease smudges that never quite came off. âShut up,â he muttered, shoving his hands deep in his pockets and turning away from the door. He started toward the kitchen like he had somewhere important to be, but his steps were slow, reluctant.
Darry didnât let it go. He flipped a page loudly, smirking. âYou try too hard, man. Way too hard.â
Soda kept walking, shoulders stiff, ignoring him. But Darry raised his voice just enough to carry, the laugh still in it. âSheâs gonna notice one day youâre still standinâ there starinâ like a lovesick puppy every time she leaves. Might as well put a sign out front: âSoda Curtis, still whipped since â68.ââ
Soda didnât answer. He disappeared around the corner into the hallway, but you could hear the faint creak of the floorboards as he pausedâjust for a secondâbefore the bedroom door shut a little too firmly.
Out on the street, you pulled your coat tighter, Malikâs warm weight against your chest the only thing keeping the chill at bay. You didnât look back. You never did anymore. But something in the air felt different tonight, like the old pull between you and Soda was stretching thinner, ready to snap one way or the other.
Back inside, Darry shook his head, closed the magazine, and muttered to the empty living room, âIdiot.â But there was no real heat in itâjust the tired affection of someone whoâd watched his little brother fall in love the same way twice, and still hadnât figured out how to stop hoping itâd stick this time.
The fluorescent lights of Midtown Highâs empty chem lab buzzed overhead as you pushed Peter Parker back against the lab bench, your cheer skirt riding up just enough to make his eyes widen behind those thick glasses.
âShut up and listen, Parker,â you whispered, voice low and commanding, manicured nails digging into his hoodie. âYou do my physics homework. All of it. Every week. You breathe a word to anyoneâNed, MJ, your creepy auntâand Iâll make sure the whole school knows you creep on cheer practice from the bleachers.â
He swallowed hard, cheeks flaming. âIâI donâtââ
You rolled your eyes, pressing your body flush against his scrawny frame. âDonât lie. I see you. Everyone does.â Your hand slid down, palming him through his jeans just to watch him jolt. âBut youâre useful. So be a good little nerd and keep your mouth shut while I keep you⊠motivated.â
That first time was quick, messy, desperate. You rode him right there on the stool until he was whimpering your name like a prayer, coming so hard he nearly knocked over a beaker. You fixed your lip gloss in the reflection of a glass cabinet, tossed the stack of worksheets at his chest, and left without a backward glance.
âText me when itâs done. And Peter?â You paused at the door. âNot a soul.â
It went on like that for weeks. Closet quickies after practice. His bedroom when May was at bingo. The back row of the library during free period. Always you in controlâskirt hiked, thighs clamping around his narrow hips, telling him exactly how fast, how hard, how deep. He never lasted long at first. Too eager, too overwhelmed by the fact that youâthe untouchable Black cheer captain with the sharp tongue and sharper bodyâwere even touching him.
Then the bite happened.
You didnât know about the spider. All you knew was that one Tuesday after school, Peter showed up to your âstudy sessionâ different. Broader. Taller. Shoulders filling out that ratty hoodie in ways that made your mouth go dry. When you shoved him against the wall like usual, he didnât stumble. He caught your wrists insteadâgently, but firm. Unbreakable.
âThe fuck?â you breathed.
He looked almost apologetic. âI⊠got a little stronger.â
You tested it. Pushed harder. He didnât budge. Curiosity (and something hotter) curled in your belly. You yanked him down by his collar and kissed himâreally kissed himâfor the first time. No teasing, no games. Just teeth and tongue and a sudden, aching need.
That night you didnât ride him. He fucked you.
Back pressed to his bedroom door, legs wrapped around his waist, he held you up like you weighed nothing. Deep, relentless thrusts that made your vision blur and your nails rake down his backâback that felt corded with new muscle. You came so hard you forgot how to breathe for a second, and he just kept going, whispering sorry-sorry-sorry even as he wrecked you.
After that, you couldnât stop.
The secret stayed locked tight. You still snuck aroundâjanitorâs closet between periods, under the bleachers after late games when the stadium lights were off, the back seat of his uncleâs old beat-up car parked behind the school lot. But now the dynamic had shifted without either of you saying it out loud. You were the one texting him during AP Lit: Meet me. Now. You were the one dragging him into empty locker rooms after practice, dropping to your knees because you needed to feel how thick he was now, how he stretched your lips differently, how he groaned when you took him deeper than before. You rode him in the chem storage room until the shelves rattled, thighs trembling, begging him not to stop, donât you dare stop, harder Peter pleaseâ
He got cockier about it, too. That shy stutter started fading. Heâd smirk when you whimpered his name, pin your wrists above your head with one hand like it was nothing, fuck you slow and deep until you were shaking and pleading, until you forgot who was supposed to be in charge.
But then the little things started.
First it was five minutes late to your usual spot behind the gym. Then ten. Then heâd text sorry running behind and show up twenty minutes after youâd already been pacing, irritated and wet and annoyed at yourself for caring. You brushed it offâmaybe May needed him, maybe decathlon ran long. You didnât say anything. Just yanked him into the nearest empty classroom and made him make it up to you twice as hard.
Then it was canceled sessions. Canât tonight, something came up. No explanation, no begging for forgiveness. Just a short text and silence. You stared at your phone for longer than youâd admit, thumb hovering over the call button before you locked it and went to bed frustrated.
One Friday he didnât show at all. You waited in the chem storage room for forty minutes, back against the cold metal shelves, skirt still hiked from anticipation. Nothing. No text. No Peter. You left fuming, heels clicking down the empty hallway, telling yourself you didnât care, that he was replaceable, that this was never supposed to be more than homework and hookups.
Monday after cheer practice you found him in the hall, hoodie up, moving faster than he used to, like he was late for something bigger than calc. You stepped in front of him, arms crossed, ponytail swinging.
âYou bailed Friday,â you said, voice low so no one else would hear. âNo heads-up. Nothing.â
He rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding your eyes. âYeah. Sorry. It was⊠family stuff.â
You studied him. The faint shadow under his eye that looked like exhaustion, not a bruise. The way he kept glancing toward the exit like he was listening for something you couldnât hear. He looked tiredâbone-deep tiredâbut still solid, still strong in that new way that made your thighs clench just looking at him.
âFamily stuff,â you repeated flatly.
He nodded, quick and jerky. âIâll make it up to you. Promise.â
You stepped closer, close enough that your chest brushed his. âYouâd better. Because I donât wait around, Parker. Not for anyone.â
His gaze flicked to your lips, then back up. Something hungry flashed there, but he swallowed it down. âI know.â
You let him go without another word. Watched him hurry off toward the stairwell, shoulders tense.
That night you didnât text him. Let him stew. Let him wonder if you were done.
But when your phone buzzed at 1:17 a.m.âIâm outside. Can we talk?âyou were already pulling on leggings and slipping out the back door before you could talk yourself out of it.
He was waiting by the side of the house, hood up, hands in his pockets. The streetlight caught the new lines of his jaw, the way he stood taller now.
You didnât speak at first. Just grabbed his hoodie and pulled him around the corner, out of sight. Pushed him against the brick wall and kissed him like you were punishing him.
He groaned into your mouth, hands sliding under your shirt immediately, gripping your waist like heâd been starving for it.
âYou donât get to disappear on me,â you muttered against his lips, already working his jeans open. âNot without a damn good reason.â
âI know,â he breathed, lifting you easily so your legs wrapped around him. âIâm sorry. I justââ
âShut up.â You sank down onto him in one smooth motion, both of you gasping at how perfectly he still filled you, how much deeper it felt now that he wasnât holding back as much. âMake it up to me. Right here. Right now.â
He did.
Hard. Fast. Desperate. Like heâd been thinking about it all weekend too.
When you both finished, panting against each otherâs necks, you didnât let him pull away yet.
âNext time you bail,â you whispered, âyou tell me. I donât care what it is. Just donât leave me hanging.â
He nodded against your shoulder. âOkay.â
You pulled back just enough to look at himâreally look. He still hadnât explained the strength, the late nights, the way he sometimes flinched at distant sirens like they were calling his name. But you didnât push. Not tonight.
Instead you kissed him once more, softer this time.
âDonât make me regret keeping you around, Parker.â
He gave you that small, crooked smileâthe one that used to be shy but now carried something heavier.
âI wonât.â
You let him walk you back to the door. Watched him disappear into the dark.
And even though part of you knew something was still offâsomething big he wasnât sayingâyou told yourself it didnât matter.
As long as he kept coming back.
As long as he kept fucking you like the world was ending every time he touched you.
That was enough.
For now.
ââ-
The distance had been creeping in for days, then weeks. What started as a few late texts and missed meetups turned into full silencesâhours, then days where your phone stayed quiet. No apologies. No excuses beyond the vague busy or sorry, canât tonight. You told yourself it was nothing. Told yourself you werenât the type to chase.
But you were.
After cheer practice one Thursday, the school mostly emptied out, you spotted him alone in the far end of the hallway near the science wing. Hood up, backpack slung over one shoulder, head down like he was trying to disappear into the linoleum. He looked⊠worn. Shoulders hunched the way they used to before the change, but now it was differentâless awkward nerd, more someone carrying something invisible and heavy.
You walked up quietly, heels clicking softer than usual. He didnât notice until you were right in front of him.
âPeter.â
He startled, eyes flicking up behind those glasses. For a second you saw itâthe old flicker of want, the way his gaze dropped to your lips, your legs, the way your cheer skirt still clung from practice sweat. But then it shuttered. Closed off.
âHey,â he said, voice low. Too careful.
You stepped closer, close enough that he had to tilt his head down to meet your eyes. âThe house is empty tonight. Parents are out till Sunday. We have the whole place to ourselves.â Your fingers brushed the front of his hoodie, light, teasing. âNo interruptions. No rushing. Just you and me.â
His breath hitched. You felt itâthe way his body leaned in for half a heartbeat before he caught himself. âI⊠I canât tonight.â
You tilted your head, smile not quite reaching your eyes. âOkay. Maybe another time then.â
He nodded too fast, already shifting his weight like he was about to bolt. âYeah. Another time.â
But you knew that look. The twitch in his jaw, the way his eyes darted toward the exit doors like something was pulling him. He was lying. Badly.
Before he could step back, you closed the gap. Cupped his face with both handsâgentle, but firmâand kissed him.
For a second, he melted into it. Like muscle memory. His hands came up to your waist, gripping hard enough to bruise in that new strong way of his. He kissed back hungry, desperate, tongue sliding against yours like heâd been starving for it. A low sound rumbled in his throatâhalf groan, half something broken.
Then he jerked away like youâd burned him.
Fast. Too fast.
He stumbled back a step, breathing hard, eyes wide and guilty. âIâI gotta go.â
âPeterââ
But he was already turning, long strides eating up the hallway. Hood pulled lower, shoulders tight. He didnât look back. Just pushed through the double doors into the late-afternoon light and disappeared around the corner.
You stood there, lips still tingling, chest tight with something you didnât want to name. Anger. Hurt. Confusion. The hallway echoed empty behind you.
You didnât chase him this time.
Instead you leaned against the lockers, arms crossed, staring at the spot where heâd vanished. Your fingers brushed your mouth where his had beenârough, needy, then gone.
He was pulling away. Not just bailing. Running.
And for the first time, you wondered if whatever he was hiding was bigger than late-night excuses or family stuff. Bigger than you.
You exhaled slow, straightened your skirt, and walked the other way.
But the ache stayed. Low in your belly. Sharp in your chest.
Heâd come back. He always did.
Eventually.
You just hoped it wouldnât be too late when he finally did.
Tell me how yall feel about it y
BITCH
Oh !
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Hellooooooo
Warnings: Explicit smut (P in V, unprotected sex), taking advantage kink/power imbalance, infidelity/cheating, toxic arguing relationship, pregnancy attempts (one-sided desperation), historical setting (with period-accurate elements like stag films/silent era underground porn, emotional manipulation, jealousy/paranoia, drama/angst. Dark themes verbally cruel toxic marriage (terrible husband neglectful
I donât agree with any of this but thatâs how times where
The Projectionist x black!reader
Since idk his name letâs call him David
Ok yall so I wrote this a whileee back and when I reread it on February 1st I was like thereâs no way Iâm posting this on black history month!! So tell me if yall like and I MIGHT ïżŒ finish
The theater smelled like old velvet and cigarette smoke, the kind that clung to your coat long after you left. the war over, the flu mostly faded, but the world still felt half-broken. Youâd come in from the city outskirts â Harlem edges bleeding into quieter streets â chasing auditions that never called back. A pretty face and a quick step werenât enough when the directors wanted âexoticâ but not too exotic, or when they just wanted to grope instead of cast.
Thatâs when you met him.
The Projectionist. Tall, pale, sharp cheekbones under the low glow of the booth light. David â though no one called him that; he was just âthe Projectionistâ to everyone in the nickelodeon crowd. He ran the reels for the big features: Chaplin, Valentino, the serials that made girls sigh. But after hours, when the house lights dimmed and the last stragglers left, he screened other things. Private reels. Stag films. The kind men paid extra to watch in back rooms, grainy 16mm of bodies moving in silent frenzy.
He caught you lingering one night after a matinee of The Sheik. Youâd been practicing steps in the aisle, dreaming of being the next big thing on screen. He leaned in the booth door, cigarette dangling.
âYou move like you belong up there,â he said, voice low. âNot down here sweeping popcorn.â
You laughed, but it came out bitter. âThey donât cast girls like me for the big pictures. Not yet.â
He smiled â slow, knowing. âI could make you a star. My kind of star.â
That was the start.
He took you to the booth that night. Locked the door. Ran a reel heâd spliced himself: a girl on a bed, legs spread, man behind her, no story, just motion. Silent, but the projector clattered like a heartbeat. He stood behind you, hands on your waist, whispering how you could be her â better. How men would pay to see a beauty like you, skin like polished mahogany catching the flicker.
You let him touch you while the film looped. His fingers under your skirt, finding you wet already from the forbidden thrill. He didnât ask; he just took. And you let him â because the fantasy felt closer than it ever had.
Soon it wasnât just watching. He filmed you.
First test reels: you stripping slow, teasing the camera like it was a lover. Then more. You on your knees, mouth open. You riding him reverse so the lens caught every roll of your hips. He called it âart.â You called it a ticket out. The stag films were short, crude, but they circulated â discreet tins passed hand-to-hand in speakeasies, lodges, private clubs. Money came in trickles. Enough for new dresses, makeup, a tiny apartment above a laundry in the city.
And him.
You started dating proper after the third reel. He moved you in. Said heâd leave the theater life behind once you hit it big. Promised auditions, connections. Said he loved how wild you got on camera â how you begged without words, how your body arched like it was born for the lens.
But love was a loose word.
He came home late. Always late. Reeking of smoke, perfume that wasnât yours, whiskey on his breath. Youâd sit on the sagging couch â the one luxury youâd bought with reel money â staring at the new radio heâd âborrowedâ from a friend. The static hissed like accusation.
âWhere were you?â youâd ask, voice flat.
âWorking,â heâd snap, tossing his coat. âReels donât run themselves.â
âYou smell like her.â
Heâd laugh â cold. âJealousy doesnât suit you, doll.â
But it did. It suited you fine when you were trying to build something. Youâd been off the preventives for months. No more douche bags or calendar tracking. You wanted a baby â his baby â something permanent in this slippery life. Proof he wasnât just using you for the films, for the sex, for the way your brown skin looked electric under the projector bulb.
He never said no to trying. But he never said yes either.
The arguments got uglier.
One night he stumbled in at 3 a.m., shirt untucked, lipstick on his collar like a signature. You were curled on the couch in your slip, radio playing some slow blues that made your chest ache.
âYouâre cheating,â you said. Not a question.
He rubbed his face. âDonât start.â
âI smell her on you. Again.â
He crossed the room fast, loomed over you. âYou think Iâm out there wasting time when Iâve got you? When Iâm the one putting your face on film?â
âYouâre the one who said Iâd be a star.â Your voice cracked. âBut all I am is your dirty little secret in a can.â
He grabbed your chin, tilted your face up. Eyes dark. âYou like it dirty. Donât pretend.â
You slapped his hand away. Stood. âI want more than your cock and a camera.â
He stared, then laughed â mean. âYou want the baby. The picket fence. The whole picture. But youâre still spreading for me on reel three.â
The fight ended the way they always did.
He pushed you back onto the couch. You shoved at his chest â half-hearted. He kissed you hard, teeth clashing, tasting like betrayal and need. You bit his lip until you tasted copper.
âFuck you,â you hissed.
âYeah,â he growled. âYou will.â
He yanked your slip up, no preamble. You werenât wearing anything underneath â hadnât been for weeks, hoping heâd come home and see, want, stay. His fingers found you slick despite the anger. Always slick for him.
âSee?â he murmured against your throat. âThis is what you need.â
You hated how right he was.
He freed himself â hard already, thick, familiar. No condom. Never anymore. He pushed in slow at first, letting you feel every inch, then slammed home. You gasped, nails digging into his shoulders through his shirt.
âTell me you want it,â he demanded, thrusting deep.
âI hate you,â you moaned, legs wrapping around him anyway.
âSay it.â
âI want your baby,â you whispered, broken. âWant you to fill me up. Make it real.â
He groaned, pace brutal now. Couch springs creaking like the projector. Your hips rose to meet him, taking advantage of every stroke, every grind against your clit. He took advantage too â pinning your wrists above your head, fucking you like he owned you. Like the camera was rolling even now.
âYouâre mine,â he panted. âNo one else gets this. No director. No starlet. Just me.â
âLiar,â you shot back, but your body betrayed you â clenching, fluttering, chasing release.
He came first â hot, deep, spilling inside like a promise he never kept outside this room. You followed seconds later, crying out, thighs shaking. He stayed buried, grinding slow to push it deeper.
âDonât move,â he muttered. âKeep it in.â
You lay there panting, his weight heavy, comforting and suffocating all at once.
Minutes passed. He softened inside you but didnât pull out. Kissed your temple â softer now.
âIâm sorry,â he said quietly. First time heâd said it.
You didnât believe him. But you let him stay.
The next morning he was gone before you woke. Left a note: Back late. Reels to run. Love you.
You stared at the radio, silent now. Touched your stomach. Wondered if this time it would take.
Wondered how long you could keep pretending this was stardom.
And not just survival.
ââ
The test came back positive in late spring Youâd missed two cycles, felt the queasy wave every morning like clockwork, and finally paid the doctor in the colored ward a visit. He confirmed it with a nod and a pat on your hand: âYouâre in the family way, Mrs. Harlan.â (Heâd taken Davidâs last name on the marriage certificate, though the ring came later.)
David proposed that same night. Not on one knee â nothing so romantic. He came home earlier than usual, sober for once, carrying a small velvet box. You were in the kitchen, sleeves rolled, scrubbing the cast-iron skillet from supper (pot roast youâd slow-cooked all day on the new gas range heâd âwonâ in a poker game). Flour dusted your apron; sweat stuck your curls to your neck.
He set the box on the table without preamble.
âOpen it.â
Inside: a platinum band, Art Deco filigree curling like smoke around a small but brilliant old European-cut diamond. Square shoulders, geometric edges very him. Flashy enough to catch light in a speakeasy, subtle enough not to scream stolen.
You stared. âWhatâs this for?â
âYouâre pregnant he said, like it was obvious. âFigured we oughta make it proper. Ring on your finger. Wife in name.â
No âI love you.â No promises. Just logic, cold as the projector bulb.
You slipped it on anyway. It fit perfect. Heavy. Permanent.
The wedding was quick â city hall, a witness from the theater, no flowers, no cake. You wore the new dress youâd bought with the last stag film payout: emerald green silk that hugged your still-flat belly. He kissed you after the vows like he was claiming territory.
For a while, it felt like winning.
But winning never lasted with him.
You became the perfect 1920s wife â or tried to. Monday: laundry in the tub, boiling water on the stove, wringing shirts until your hands blistered. Tuesday: mending his torn collars, darning socks by lamplight. Wednesday: silver polish (what little you had), pantry scrub, icebox wiped down while the block of ice sweated. Thursday: marketing â haggling at the corner grocer for cheaper cuts because the reel money had dried up. Friday: bedrooms aired, sheets changed, bath scrubbed. Saturday: kitchen deep-clean, closets sorted. Sunday: rest, except you cooked the big meal anyway â fried chicken, greens, cornbread â hoping heâd stay home.
He rarely did.
Heâd come in late, reeking of gin and cheap perfume. Youâd be on the couch again, radio low, hand on the small swell under your slip. Waiting.
âWhere were you?â Same question, same night.
âWorking the booth. Late show ran over.â Lie. Always the same lie.
âYou smell like her. Again.â
Heâd laugh â that mean, tired laugh. âThere ainât no her, doll. I told you. I ainât sleeping around. Swear on the kid.â
Youâd believe him for a second. Then remember the lipstick stains, the late nights, the way heâd touch you less tenderly now that you were âhisâ on paper.
The arguments turned vicious.
One night in July, heat thick as molasses, youâd spent the day canning peaches â jars lined up on the counter like trophies. Your back ached; ankles swollen. He stumbled in at midnight, shirt half-unbuttoned, eyes glassy.
You met him at the door. âYou promised youâd be home for supper.â
âGot held up.â
âWith who?â
He shoved past you. âNobody. Christ, lay off.â
You followed him to the bedroom. âIâm carrying your child, David. I cook, I clean, I wait like some fool while youââ
He spun. Grabbed your wrist. âWhile I what? Keep the lights on? You think those stag reels pay forever? Theyâre drying up. Men want fresh faces now. Not⊠this.â His eyes dropped to your belly.
The words hit like a slap.
You yanked free. âYou said Iâd be a star.â
âYou are.â He stepped closer, voice dropping. âMy star. In my films. In my bed. Thatâs enough.â
Tears burned. âIt ainât enough when youâre out fucking around.â
âI ainât!â he roared. Then softer, almost pleading: âI swear, baby. Ainât nobody else. Just you. Always you.â
You wanted to believe it so bad it hurt.
He kissed you then â desperate, bruising. Pushed you back toward the bed. You shoved at him, but your body remembered. Always remembered.
He lifted your nightgown, hands rough on your hips. âSee? You still want me.â
âShut up,â you hissed, but you opened your legs anyway.
He didnât waste time. Pushed in hard, no prep, no gentleness. You gasped â half pain, half need. He groaned into your neck, thrusting deep, possessive.
âMine,â he muttered with every stroke. âThis belly. This kid. All mine.â
You clawed his back. âProve it. Stay home. Be a husband.â
He fucked you harder for that â punishing, claiming. Your ring caught the moonlight, flashing. You wrapped your legs around him, taking him deeper, using him even as he used you. The old kink flared: him taking advantage of your desperation, you taking advantage of his guilt.
âGonna fill you again,â he panted. âKeep you full. No one else gets this.â
You came crying â angry tears, release, love twisted into something ugly. He followed, spilling hot and deep, grinding like he could seal the promise inside you.
After, he stayed buried, hand splayed over your belly. âI ainât cheating,â he whispered. âBelieve me.â
You didnât answer. Just stared at the ceiling, feeling the weight of the ring, the child, the life youâd built on lies.
Days blurred. You kept the house spotless. Cooked his favorites. Waited.
He kept coming home late.
One evening you found a hairpin â blonde â in his coat pocket. You held it up like evidence.
He denied it. Swore on everything. Said it mustâve been from the theater seat.
You threw it in the sink. Watched it swirl down the drain.
That night he fucked you gentle for once. Slow rolls, kisses on your throat, whispering apologies into your skin. âI love you,â he said â first time since the proposal. âOnly you.â
You let him. Let the words sink in like medicine you knew was poison.
But the swell grew. The baby kicked. And still the late nights continued.
You stopped asking where he went. Started saving the little money you could scrape â hidden in a jar behind the flour bin. For the day youâd stop waiting.
For the day youâd take the kid and walk.
But for now, the ring stayed on. The house stayed clean. And when he came home angry or drunk or guilty, you let him take you on the couch, on the kitchen table, against the wall â because it was the only time he looked at you like you mattered.
Like you were still his star.
Even if the spotlight had dimmed to nothing but flicker.

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Summary: where sheâs inlove with Sherlock but he doesnât feel the same
Warnings : smut angst mean!sherlock kinda dumb reader , reader is Dih crazy lowkey
The air in Ferndell Hall felt heavier than usual, thick with the absence of Eudoria Holmes. It had been a week since sheâd vanished on Enolaâs sixteenth birthday, leaving only cryptic flower-etched cards and hidden coins that Enola had already deciphered enough to fund her escape. Youâher closest friend from the nearby village, the one whoâd spent years sneaking into the woods for archery lessons or late-night talksâhad come under the pretense of concern. Enola had written you a hurried note, begging you to visit before her brothers arrived to âsort things out.â
You arrived just as Mycroftâs carriage pulled up, his stern face set like stone. Sherlock followed, taller, broader, his dark coat swirling like smoke. He barely glanced your way as he stepped insideâthose piercing blue eyes scanning the room, the clues, everything but you.
Enola threw her arms around you the moment the door closed behind the brothers. âYouâre here,â she whispered, voice cracking just a little. âI thought maybe youâd ignore the note. Everyone else seems to think Iâm overreacting.â
You hugged her back tightly, breathing in the familiar scent of lavender and gunpowder residue from her motherâs old experiments. âIâd never ignore you, Enola. Not when your motherâs gone.â
She pulled back, eyes bright with determination. âIâm going to find her. Mycroft wants to ship me off to some finishing school like Iâm a broken vase that needs mending. Sherlock⊠well, heâs Sherlock. He thinks itâs a puzzle, not a person missing.â
You nodded, glancing toward the parlor where the brothers argued in low tones. Mycroftâs voice carriedâsharp, dismissive. Sherlockâs was quieter, measured, but you caught the edge of frustration.
What Enola didnât knowâwhat no one knewâwas that your loyalty to her had always been tangled with something sharper, more selfish. Youâd first met Sherlock years ago, when heâd come home briefly after one of his cases. A stolen conversation in the library, a brush of hands that turned into more. Twice now, in shadowed corners of London when youâd traveled there on errands, youâd ended up tangled in sheets at a discreet inn. Passionate, urgent, wordless almost. Afterward, heâd always pulled awayâcold again, distant.
âDonât call it that,â heâd said the last time, buttoning his shirt without looking at you. âIt was a mistake. A momentary lapse.â
Youâd laughed it off then, but the words burned. He never looked at you the way he looked at clues, or even at Enolaâwith curiosity, with reluctant fondness. To him, you were background noise, an inconvenience he indulged once or twice and then discarded.
Enola tugged your sleeve. âCome on. Help me pack what I need. Iâm leaving tonightâdisguised, of course. You can come with me partway, keep Mycroft from noticing Iâm gone too soon.â
You followed her upstairs, heart pounding. Downstairs, Sherlockâs voice rose slightlyâMycroft pressing about propriety, Sherlock countering with observations about the flowers, the cipher. You caught Sherlockâs silhouette in the doorway as you passed, and for a split second his gaze flicked to you. No warmth, no recognition of what had passed between you. Just a brief, assessing look, like you were another piece of furniture out of place.
It stung more than it should have.
In Enolaâs room, you helped her stuff a satchel with practical thingsâher motherâs old corset dagger, coins, a change of boyâs clothes sheâd stolen from the stable boy. She chattered the whole time, half-nervous, half-excited.
âI donât understand why Mother left without a word,â she said, folding a scarf. âShe always said we were a team. But Sherlock⊠he thinks he can solve it from here. Like sheâs just another case.â
You swallowed. âMaybe he doesnât want to admit he cares as much as he does.â
Enola snorted. âHe cares in his own way. Heâs kinder than Mycroft, at least. He looked at me like I might actually be useful.â
You forced a smile. âYouâre more than useful. Youâre brilliant.â
She beamed at you, oblivious to the ache in your chest. âYouâre the best friend anyone could have. I donât know what Iâd do without you here.â
The words twisted like a knife. Best friend. Thatâs all youâd ever be to herâbecause the real reason youâd stayed so close, the real reason youâd tolerated the awkward silences and the excuses, was downstairs. The man who wouldnât even meet your eyes now.
As night fell, Enola slipped out the back, disguised as a boy, you trailing behind to cover her tracks. You walked her to the edge of the estate, where the London train waited in the distance.
âBe careful,â you whispered, hugging her one last time. âFind her. And write when you can.â
âI will.â She grinned, fierce and fearless. âAnd when I do, youâll be the first to know. Promise youâll keep an eye on things here? Make sure they donât burn the house down arguing.â
You nodded. âPromise.â
She disappeared into the shadows, heading for the station.
You turned back toward the hall, the lights still burning in the windows. Sherlock stood on the porch now, alone, staring out into the dark as if he could see her trail already.
He didnât speak as you approached. Just watched you with that unreadable expression.
âYou knew she was leaving,â he said quietly. Not a question.
You lifted your chin. âSheâs not a prisoner.â
A faint twitch at the corner of his mouthâalmost a smile, but not quite. âNo. Sheâs a Holmes.â
Silence stretched. You waited for somethingâanythingâto acknowledge what had happened between you. An apology. A flicker of regret. Even anger.
Nothing.
He turned away, coat flaring. âGo home. This isnât your puzzle to solve.â
You watched him walk back inside, the door closing softly behind him.
And just like that, you were alone againâbest friend to Enola, mistake to Sherlock, and caught in the middle of a mystery you hadnât asked for.
But youâd keep your promise. Youâd watch, youâd wait, and maybeâjust maybeâone day heâd look at you like you mattered.
Or maybe not.
Either way, Enola was out there, chasing her mother, chasing her own path.
And youâd be here, still hoping for a glance that never came.
âââ
âOne year agoâ
He stood by the window, back to you, staring out at the dark gardens as if answers might crawl out of the hedges. His shoulders were rigid under the black coat. You watched the line of his jaw tighten, the way his fingers flexed against the sill.
âYou think Iâm mad,â you said into the quiet. The words came out softer than youâd intended.
Sherlock didnât turn. âI think youâre⊠persistent.â
A bitter laugh escaped you. âPersistent. Thatâs one word for it.â
He finally faced you then, eyes cool and unreadable in the firelight. Those same eyes that had looked at you in the dark of rented rooms, half-lidded with something youâd foolishly called desire. Something youâd called love.
âHow many times has it been now?â you asked, stepping closer. âFive? Seven? Iâve lost count. Every time you came to London, every time you said it was just convenient, just a distraction from the caseââ
âStop.â His voice was low, sharp. A warning.
But you were tired of warnings.
âWe made love,â you said, the phrase deliberate, defiant. âThatâs what it was. To me.â
His expression didnât change, but something flickered behind the iceâannoyance, perhaps, or the faintest discomfort. âWe did not make love. We had intercourse. Physical release. Nothing more.â
You felt the words like a slap. âThen what were we doing, Sherlock? Tell me. Enlighten me.â
He exhaled through his nose, a short, impatient sound. âWe were occupying the same space for a limited duration. Bodies in proximity. That is all.â
You closed the distance until you were barely a foot away. Close enough to smell tobacco and bergamot on his coat, close enough to see the pulse at the base of his throat. âYouâre lying to yourself. You think Iâm crazy because I feel something real. Because I let myself feel it.â
âI am not in love with you.â The words came out clipped, final, like a door slamming shut.
The room seemed to shrink. Your chest ached so fiercely you almost couldnât breathe.
âBut I am in love with you, Sherlock.â The confession burst out louder than youâd planned, raw and ragged. âIâve been in love with you since the first time you looked at me like I was more than background. Since you touched me like I mattered. And every time afterâevery single timeâyou let me believe it might be more. Then youâd leave. Youâd shrug it off. A mistake. A lapse. And Iâd still come back. Because I thoughtâGod help meâI thought one day youâd stop pretending.â
He stared at you for a long moment, expression blank in that terrifying way of his. No pity. No anger. Just observation.
âYou are confusing attachment with affection,â he said quietly. âChemical reactions in the brain. Dopamine. Oxytocin. Temporary states. They pass.â
âThen why do you keep letting it happen?â Your voice cracked. âWhy do you keep letting me in if itâs nothing?â
âBecauseââ He stopped. Jaw working. For the first time, he looked almost⊠human. Vulnerable for half a heartbeat before the mask snapped back. âBecause I am weak. And you are persistent.â
You laughed again, but there were tears in it this time. âThatâs your excuse? Weakness?â
âItâs the truth.â He took a single step back, putting space between you like it was evidence. âI do not feel what you feel. I cannot. I will not.â
The fire popped, sending sparks up the chimney.
You wiped at your eyes with the back of your hand. âEnola thinks youâre kinder than Mycroft. She doesnât know this side of you. The part that can look at someone whoâs given you everything and still call it nothing.â
His gaze dropped to the floor. Just for a second.
âGo home,â he said, softer now. Not cruel. Just tired. âThis isnât a puzzle you can solve. There is no solution here.â
You stood there a moment longer, memorizing himâthe sharp line of his cheekbones, the way the firelight caught in his dark hair, the stubborn set of his mouth. Then you turned.
At the door, you paused.
âOne day,â you said without looking back, âyouâll realize that love isnât a deduction. Itâs not something you can dismiss with logic. And when that day comes⊠donât expect me to still be waiting.â
You walked out into the cold night, the door closing behind you with a soft, final click.
Behind you, in the library, Sherlock Holmes remained exactly where he wasâalone, unmoving, staring at the empty space youâd left.
He didnât follow.
He never did.
ââ
âFlash backâ
The library door had barely clicked shut behind you that night months agoâsome rainy evening in London, another âcoincidentalâ meeting after one of his cases wrapped early. Youâd followed him to the small, anonymous boarding house he always used when he didnât want to be seen at the Diogenes or Baker Street. No words at first. Just the wet slap of your coat hitting the floor, his fingers already working the buttons of your blouse like heâd memorized them.
He never kissed you gently. Never started slow. It was always urgent, almost angryâlike he resented how much he wanted it. That night heâd pinned you against the wall just inside the door, mouth on your throat, teeth scraping, one hand fisted in your hair to tilt your head back while the other shoved your skirts up. Youâd gasped his nameâSherlockâand heâd growled low in response, âQuiet,â even though the room was empty except for the rain drumming the window.
Clothes came off in pieces. Your corset stayed half-lacedâhe liked the way it pushed your breasts up, the way the boning dug into your ribs when he pressed you down onto the narrow bed. He didnât undress fully; shirt open, trousers shoved down just enough. You remembered the scrape of wool against your bare thighs, the cold metal of his belt buckle pressing into your hip as he settled between your legs.
Heâd thrust in hard the first timeâno preamble, no teasingâjust thick, stretching heat that made your back arch off the mattress. Youâd cried out, nails raking down his shoulders, and heâd hissed through his teeth, âStill so tight,â like it surprised him every single time. Like he hadnât already ruined you for anyone else.
He moved like he was solving youâdeliberate, relentless, watching your face the whole time. Every hitch in your breath, every flutter of your lashesâhe cataloged it. When you clenched around him heâd curse under his breath, hips snapping harder, deeper, the headboard knocking the wall in steady rhythm. Youâd wrapped your legs around his waist, heels digging into the small of his back, pulling him in until there was no space left between you.
âSay it,â heâd demanded once, voice rough, forehead pressed to yours. âSay my name again.â
âSherlockââ It came out broken, half-moan, half-plea.
Heâd rewarded you with a grind so deep your vision blurred, thumb finding your clit and circling with ruthless precision until you shattered around him, sobbing his name into the crook of his neck. Only then did he let himself goâthree, four brutal thrusts before he buried himself to the hilt and came with a low, guttural sound that vibrated through your chest.
Afterward, always the same.
Heâd roll off you almost immediately, breathing hard, staring at the cracked ceiling like it owed him answers. Youâd turn onto your side, still trembling, skin slick with sweat, and lay your head on his chest without asking. He never pushed you awayânot right then. His heartbeat would thunder under your ear, fast at first, then slowing, steadying. Youâd trace idle patterns on his stomach with your fingertipsâover the faint scars, the line of dark hair that disappeared beneath the sheet heâd half-pulled up.
Youâd think, stupidly, This is it. This is real. He lets me stay. He lets me touch him like this. Youâd close your eyes and listen to the rain, to the slowing thud-thud-thud beneath your cheek, and convince yourself that the way his arm eventually draped across your backâloose, almost reluctantâwas affection. That the quiet sigh he let out when your breathing evened was contentment.
Youâd fall asleep like that every time. Curled against him, warm and sated and foolishly hopeful, his heartbeat lulling you under like a metronome.
And every time, youâd wake up alone.
Heâd be across the room alreadyâdressed, coat on, pipe in handâwatching you with that cool, detached expression. No morning kisses. No soft words. Just, âYou should go before the landlady starts asking questions.â
Youâd sit up, sheets pooling around your waist, still marked by his mouth on your throat, his fingers on your hips, and force a smile that didnât reach your eyes.
âUntil next time,â youâd say lightly.
Heâd never answer. Just nod once, sharp, and look away.
Youâd dress in silence, gather your things, and leaveâheart bruised but still beating for him.
Because even then, even knowing heâd call it nothing the next morning, youâd let him take you apart again. And again. And again.
Hoping one day heâd let you stay past dawn.
He never did.
ââ-
The rain hammered the windows of the small London boarding house like it was trying to break in. It was the night before Sherlock was due to leave for that wretched tripâsome case in the north, details he wouldnât share, as usual. Youâd come to say goodbye, or maybe to beg him not to go, or maybe just to see if heâd look at you one last time like you werenât an inconvenience.
The argument started small. You accused him of running away again. He called it necessity. Voices rose. Words sharpened.
Now you stood by the bed, still half-undressed from earlierâyour blouse open, hair tangled from his hands, skin still flushed and marked where his mouth had been. He was already buttoning his coat, movements precise, mechanical, like he could button away the last hour too.
âYouâre leaving again,â you said, voice shaking. âJust like always. And you wonât evenââ
âI have obligations,â he cut in, not looking up. âYou knew that.â
âI could be pregnant, Sherlock.â The lie burst out before you could stop it, desperate and cruel. âAnd you wouldnât even know. Or care.â
He froze. One button left undone. Slowly, he lifted his head, eyes narrowingâcold, assessing, the way he looked at a suspect whoâd just slipped up.
âYouâre not.â
You stared at him, chest heaving. âYou donât know that.â
âYouâre not.â Firmer this time. A statement of fact. Like heâd already deduced it from your pulse, your breathing, the way you hadnât touched your stomach protectively even once.
The room felt smaller. Hotter. You stepped closer, voice dropping to something raw and trembling.
âRemember the last time? Right here. On this bed. You had me on my back, legs over your shoulders, and youâGod, Sherlock, you buried yourself so deep I couldnât breathe. You groaned my nameâmy actual name, not some deductionâand then you came inside me. Hard. Deep. I felt every pulse. You didnât pull out. You never do. You just⊠stayed there, shuddering, whispering âChristâ against my throat like it hurt you to want me that much.â
His jaw clenched. He didnât move.
âAnd the time before that,â you continued, stepping even closer, close enough to see the flicker in his eyes. âIn the carriage after the opera. You dragged me onto your lap, shoved my skirts up, and fucked me right there with the curtains half-drawn. You bit my shoulder to keep quiet, but I heard youâthose broken moans when you spilled inside me again. âFuckââ you said. âJustâtake it.â Like you couldnât stop yourself. Like you needed to mark me.â
He exhaled sharply through his nose. âThis is beneath you.â
âIs it?â Tears burned your eyes but you refused to let them fall. âBecause every single time weâve done thisâevery time youâve come inside me without a thought, without protectionâyouâve acted like it means nothing. Like Iâm nothing. But your body doesnât lie, Sherlock. Your moans donât lie. The way you grip me like youâll never let go until itâs overânone of that lies.â
He finally met your gaze fully. No warmth. No apology. Just that impenetrable wall.
âIt was physical,â he said quietly. âInstinct. Release. I never promised more.â
âYou never had to promise.â Your voice cracked. âYou just⊠took. And I let you. Because I thoughtâstupidlyâthat feeling you lose control inside me meant something. That those moments when you couldnât hold back, when you were just a man and not the great Sherlock Holmes⊠that those were real.â
He finished the last button. Coat closed. Armor on.
âI am going,â he said. Flat. Final.
You laughed once, bitter and broken. âOf course you are. Run to your case. Run from this. From me. From the possibility that one day your precious logic wonât be enough to explain away what youâve doneâwhat weâve done.â
He paused at the door, hand on the knob. For half a second, something crossed his faceâregret? Pain? It was gone before you could name it.
âGoodbye,â he said. No nickname. No softness.
The door opened. Rain rushed in like a cold slap.
And then he was gone.
You stood there in the empty room, blouse still gaping, thighs still sticky with the evidence of him, listening to his footsteps fade down the hall.
You sank onto the bed. Curled into the sheets that still smelled like tobacco and sex and him.
And cried.
Because even nowâeven after everythingâyou knew if he came back tomorrow, youâd let him in again.
You always did.
ââ
When Enola ran away you knew exactly where she went and Sherlock knew youâd knew so thatâs why he went to you The knock came just after dusk, sharp and impatient, the kind of knock that announced authority rather than asked permission. You were already elbow-deep in flour, rolling out dough for the shepherdâs pie youâd promised yourself after the long dayâsomething warm, something grounding, something that wasnât Sherlock Holmes or the hollow ache heâd left behind.
You wiped your hands on the apron and opened the door.
Mycroft stood on your narrow stoop, immaculate coat buttoned to the throat despite the mild evening, expression carved from granite. Behind him, Sherlock loomed in shadowâcoat open, collar turned up, eyes flicking over your face like he was already cataloguing every micro-expression you tried to hide.
âMiss,â Mycroft began, voice clipped, âwe require information regarding my sister. Enola has absconded. You were her closest confidante. Where is she?â
You leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, flour dusting your cheek like war paint. âGood evening to you too, Mr. Holmes. And you, Sherlock. Lovely weather weâre having. Rain tomorrow, they say.â
Mycroftâs mouth thinned. âThis is no time for levity. Enola is sixteen, untrained, unprotectedââ
âUntrained?â You laughed once, short and sharp. âSheâs been dodging your governesses and Mycroftâs lectures since she could walk. If anyoneâs trained her, itâs your mother. And if sheâs gone, maybe she finally got tired of being treated like a problem to be solved instead of a person.â
Sherlock shifted behind his brotherâjust a subtle weight change from one foot to the otherâbut you felt it like static. Mycroft stepped forward half a pace. âWe have reason to believe she may have confided her intentions to you. Her destination. Her plans. You will tell us.â
You met his stare without blinking. âAnd if I donât?â
âThen you are obstructing justice,â Mycroft said coolly. âAnd I have the means to make that uncomfortable.â
You tilted your head. âThreats already? Thatâs new. Usually you just lecture people into submission.â You glanced past him to Sherlock, who hadnât spoken yet, hadnât looked away. âYou gonna arrest me too, or just stand there looking pretty?â
Sherlockâs jaw flexed. Mycroft exhaled through his nose like a bull about to charge.
âWe will find her regardless,â Mycroft said. âIt would be simplerâand safer for herâif you cooperated.â
You smiled, slow and sweet and utterly insincere. âI have a dinner to make. Shepherdâs pie. Minced lamb, carrots, onions, the works. Smells divine already. So if you donât mindâŠâ You gestured vaguely behind you, toward the warmth spilling from the open door. âUnless youâd like to stay for a plate. Though I warn you, I donât do seconds for people who threaten me on my own doorstep.â
Mycroftâs eyes narrowed to slits. âThis is not a social call.â
âClearly.â You stepped back, hand on the door. âGood night, gentlemen.â
You started to close it.
Sherlockâs gloved hand caught the edgeâgently, but firm enough that you couldnât budge it without making a scene.
Mycroft glanced at him, surprised. âSherlockââ
âIâll handle this,â Sherlock said quietly. Not looking at his brother. Looking at you.
Mycroft hesitated, then gave a curt nod. âVery well. I shall return to the hall. Do not dawdle.â He turned on his heel and strode back toward the waiting carriage, coat flapping like a ravenâs wing.
The door stayed half-open. Sherlock didnât move to come in. Just stood there, rain beginning to speckle the shoulders of his coat.
You sighed. âYouâre letting the heat out.â
He stepped inside without being invited. Closed the door behind him. The cottage suddenly felt smallerâtoo many memories of London boarding houses, too much of him in your space again.
You turned back to the kitchen, picked up the rolling pin like it was a weapon, and attacked the dough with more force than necessary. âSit if you want. Donât touch anything.â
He didnât sit. He leaned against the wall near the hearth, arms crossed, watching you work. The silence stretched until it hurt.
You slammed the pie into the oven, wiped your hands again, and finally looked at him. âAsk.â
âWhere is she?â
You snorted. âYou think Iâd tell you after what you said to me last time? After you walked out like I was nothing?â
His gaze didnât waver. âSheâs in danger.â
âSheâs smarter than both of you combined. Sheâll be fine.â
Another beat. Then, quieter: âHow have you been?â
The question landed like a stone in still water. You froze, rolling pin still in hand.
You laughedâlow, bitter. âReally? Thatâs what you lead with? Not âIâm sorryâ? Not âI was wrongâ? Just⊠how have you been?â
He didnât flinch. âIâm asking.â
You set the rolling pin down. Hard. âIâve been breathing. Working. Trying not to think about how you looked me in the eye and said everything we did meant nothing. How you left me standing in that room still smelling like you. How I cried myself sick after you shut the door. So, fine, Sherlock. Iâve been just fine.â
He swallowed onceâbarely noticeable, but you saw it.
âI didnât come here to fight,â he said.
âThen why did you stay?â
âBecause Mycroft would have kept pressing. Because I needed to seeââ He stopped. Jaw tight. âBecause I needed to know you were all right.â
You stared at him. The fire crackled. The pie bubbled in the oven, filling the room with the smell of thyme and comfort.
âIâm not all right,â you said softly. âBut Iâm not telling you where she is either. She trusted me. Thatâs more than you ever did.â
He looked away thenâfirst time all nightâtoward the window where rain streaked the glass. âShe left a flower on the train seat. Marigold. Grief. But also a message. Sheâs not running blind.â
You didnât answer. Didnât need to. He already knew you knew more than you were saying.
He straightened. âIâll find her.â
âI know you will.â You turned back to the stove, checked the pie even though it didnât need checking. âBut when you do⊠donât drag her back like a criminal. Let her choose.â
Silence again.
Then, quieter than youâd ever heard him: âThe pie smells good.â
You almost laughed. Almost. âItâs almost done.â
He didnât move to leave. Just stood there, watching you, the firelight carving shadows across his face.
You didnât offer him a plate.
He didnât ask.
But he stayed until the rain eased, until the pie cooled on the sill, until the silence between you felt less like a wound and more like something that might one day heal
You stood by the stove, back to him, the weight of his questionâHow have you been?âstill hanging in the air like smoke. You didnât answer. Didnât turn around.
When you finally did, he was closer than you expected. Not touching. Just⊠there. Eyes locked on yours, unreadable but burning. The space between you crackled. No words. No warning.
Thenâ
The mattress dipped under your combined weight, clothes scattered across the floor like shed skins. You were on top, knees braced on either side of his hips, hands planted on his chest as you sank down onto him in one hard, deliberate motion. No kisses. No tenderness. Just raw need.
He filled you completely, thick and hot, and you didnât give either of you time to adjust. You rolled your hips once, twice, then started riding him with fierce, punishing rhythmâfast, aggressive, chasing your own release like it was the only thing that mattered. Your nails dug into his shoulders through the open shirt he hadnât fully removed. His hands gripped your waist, fingers bruising, but he let you set the pace. Let you use him.
You ground down harder, clit dragging against him with every thrust, breath coming in sharp gasps. The bed creaked under the force of it. Sweat slicked your skin. You didnât look at his faceâcouldnâtâkept your eyes squeezed shut, focused only on the building pressure, the friction, the way he stretched you open again and again.
He groaned low in his throat, hips jerking up to meet you once, twiceâlosing control despite himself. You felt him swell inside you, felt the tell-tale twitch, and you clenched deliberately, riding faster, merciless.
âChristââ The word tore out of him, rough and broken, as he cameâdeep, pulsing, flooding you with heat. The sensation pushed you over. You shattered around him, thighs trembling, a sharp cry ripping from your throat as pleasure slammed through you in brutal waves.
You didnât linger. Didnât collapse onto his chest like before. The second the aftershocks faded, you rolled off him, swung your legs over the side of the bed, and stood putting a blouse over your head , back to him, breathing hard.
Behind you, the rustle of sheets. His voice, calm againâtoo calm, like nothing had happened.
âI know you know where Enola is. Letâs make this easy. Tell me where she is.â
You didnât turn. Just stared at the wall, feeling him still inside you, dripping down your thigh.
Silence.
He exhaled onceâquiet, resigned.
âVery well, then.â
The soft sounds of him dressing: shirt buttons, belt buckle, coat sliding over shoulders. Precise. Methodical. Like always.
The door opened. Closed.
You stayed standing long after his footsteps faded into the night
ââ-
The carriage rattled over the cobblestones toward Miss Harrisonâs Finishing School for Young Ladies, a gray stone prison disguised as refinement. Enola sat opposite you, wrists lightly bound (more for show than necessityâLestradeâs men knew she could slip them if she wanted), her boyish disguise stripped away, replaced by a stiff, borrowed dress that made her look younger, smaller, angrier.
Theyâd allowed you one brief visit before the gates closedâcourtesy of Mycroftâs grudging permission, or perhaps Sherlockâs quiet intervention. You werenât sure which. Either way, here you were, squeezed into the cramped compartment with a stern matron watching from the corner like a hawk.
Enolaâs eyes were bright, defiant, even with the dirt smudged on her cheek and her hair pinned back severely. âYou came,â she said, voice low so the matron wouldnât catch every word.
âOf course I came.â You reached across the small space, squeezing her hand quickly before the matron cleared her throat. âI promised Iâd keep an eye on things, didnât I?â
She gave a short, wry laugh. âAnd howâs that going? Mycroft still furious?â
âFurious is his natural state. SherlockâŠâ You hesitated, the name tasting like smoke and regret. âHeâs searching. Relentlessly.â
Enola studied your face, sharp as ever. âHe came to your cottage, didnât he? After I left.â
You didnât answer. Didnât need to. She saw it anywayâthe faint shadows under your eyes, the way your mouth tightened.
âBe careful,â she said softly. âHe breaks things he doesnât mean to.â
The carriage slowed. Iron gates creaked open ahead.
You leaned in, voice barely a whisper. âFind a way to write. Iâll get the messages out. And when you escape this placeâand you willâIâll be waiting.â
She squeezed your fingers back, fierce. âI know.â
The matron stood. âTimeâs up.â
You rose, heart heavy, as the guards moved to escort Enola out. At the door, you paused, looked back at her one last time.
-/ââ
The knock came lateâtoo late for politeness, too early for regret. Rain lashed the windows of your cottage, turning the world outside into a gray blur. You opened the door with a towel still in hand from drying dishes, heart stuttering at the sight of him: coat soaked, hair curling damp against his forehead, eyes shadowed in that way that meant a case had gnawed at him all day.
Or maybe it was something else.
âWhat do you want, Sherlock?â You leaned against the frame, arms crossed, voice steady even as your pulse betrayed you.
He stepped inside without waiting for an invitation, water dripping from his coat onto your floorboards. He shrugged it off, hung it by the door like he belonged there. Like he hadnât walked out weeks ago without a backward glance.
âI was in the area,â he said, voice low, avoiding your eyes as he scanned the roomâthe half-eaten pie on the table, the fire dying in the grate, the single teacup by the chair.
You arched a brow. âIn the area. Right. Try again.â
He paced two steps, hands clasped behind his back. Stopped. Glanced at you, then away. âThereâs been⊠developments. With Enola. Sheâs safe, for now. Escaped the school. Again.â
âThatâs not why youâre here.â
His jaw tightened. He cleared his throat once. Twice. âThe weather is inclement.â
You just looked at him. Unblinking. Waiting.
He exhaled sharply through his nose, a rare crack in the composure. âYouâre really going to make me say it.â
âMhmm.â You didnât move. Didnât make it easy.
He closed the distance in three strides, hands cupping your faceâgentler than you expected, thumbs brushing your cheeks like he was memorizing the feel of your skin. His eyes searched yours, stormy and conflicted.
âBecause I miss you,â he said, voice rough, almost angry at himself for admitting it.
Then he kissed you.
Not tentative. Not asking. Claimingâlike the weeks apart had starved him. His mouth slanted over yours, hot and demanding, tongue sliding in to taste you like heâd been dreaming of it. You gasped into him, hands fisting his shirt, pulling him closer even as part of you screamed to push him away.
He backed you toward the bedroom, hands already working your dress buttons, mouth never leaving yours. Clothes fell in a trailâyour apron, his waistcoat, your chemise shoved down your shoulders. By the time the bed hit the back of your knees, you were bare, skin prickling in the cool air, and he was shedding the last of his restraint.
He laid you down slowly this timeânot the frantic rush of before. Eyes locked on yours as he settled between your thighs, one hand sliding up your leg, tracing the curve of your hip, the dip of your waist. You arched when his fingers found you already wet, circling your clit with that maddening precision until you were writhing, begging without words.
âSherlockââ It came out breathless.
He groaned low, positioning himself, and pushed inâslow, deliberate, letting you feel every inch. Your back bowed off the bed, nails scraping down his back as he filled you completely. He stilled for a moment, forehead pressed to yours, breathing ragged.
Then he moved.
Deep, rolling thrusts that hit every spot inside you, building slow and relentless. You wrapped your legs around his waist, heels digging into his ass to pull him deeper. His mouth found your neck, sucking marks into your brown skin, teeth grazing your collarbone. One hand pinned your wrist above your head; the other slipped between you, thumb working your clit in tight circles.
You came firstâhard, clenching around him, crying out his name as pleasure crashed over you in waves. He followed seconds later, burying himself deep with a guttural moan, spilling inside you in hot pulses that left you both trembling.
After, he didnât roll away.
He stayed inside you a moment longer, then shifted to his back, pulling you with him so you lay draped across his chestâyour head over his heartbeat, one leg tangled with his. His fingers traced lazy patterns on your bare back, almost tender.
The fire popped in the other room. Rain softened against the roof.
You pressed a kiss to his skin, just above his heart.
âI love you,â you whispered. The words youâd screamed before, the ones heâd dismissed. But softer now. Real.
His hand stilled on your back.
Then resumed, slower.
âI know,â he said quietly.
Not a confession. Not yet.
But he didnât leave.
And for tonight, that was enough.
I have a Sherlock fic cooking up yall Iâm almost finished
Ethan Landry x black!reader
The rain had been relentless that night in Woodsboro, the kind that soaks through everything and leaves you shivering long after youâre dry. Youâd gotten the call around 2 a.m.âSheriff Hicksâ voice, cracked and formal, telling you Wes was gone. Stabbed. Dead. Just like that.
You didnât remember hanging up. You didnât remember putting on shoes. All you remembered was runningâbarefoot, pavement biting into your soles, lungs burning as you tore through the streets toward the Hicks house. The police lights were already flashing when you arrived, red and blue painting the wet night in nightmare colors. Officers grabbed you when you tried to push past the tape, your screams raw and animalistic.
âLet me see him! PleaseâWes! I need to see him!â
They held you back. You thrashed, nails digging into arms that wouldnât budge, tears mixing with rain until your friendsâMindy, Chad, someoneâfinally arrived and pulled you away. They drove you home, but you couldnât stay. The next day you were at the cemetery, knees in the mud, talking to the fresh headstone like he could still hear you.
âI wore that stupid hoodie you hated today⊠thought itâd make you laugh.â
Days turned to weeks. You went every single day. Same spot. Same one-sided conversations. Grief had carved a permanent place inside you, and nothing anyone said could fill it.
âMove on,â they whispered. âHeâd want you to be happy.â
You hated them for it.
Then came Blackmore University. New York. A fresh start you didnât ask for, but your parents insisted. You met the groupâChadâs easy grin, Mindyâs sharp wit, Taraâs quiet strengthâand then there was Ethan Landry.
He was Chadâs roommate. Tall, a little awkward, always carrying too many books and cracking self-deprecating jokes that made the room lighter. At first, you barely noticed him. You were still half-gone, still whispering apologies to Wes in your head every night before sleep.
But Ethan noticed you.
He started smallâsaving you a seat in film studies, offering half his coffee when you looked like youâd barely slept, asking gentle questions without pushing. âYou okay?â heâd say, never demanding an answer.
You pushed back at first. Hard.
âIâm fine,â youâd snap, colder than you meant.
Heâd just nod, soft brown eyes never judging. âOkay. Iâm here if you ever wanna talk. Or not talk. Whatever.â
Weeks passed. The flirting started so quietly you almost missed itâhis hand brushing yours when passing notes, the way heâd linger after group hangouts just to walk you to your dorm. Everyone else saw it before you did.
Chad elbowed you one night at the dorm. âDude likes you. Like, likes you likes you.â
Mindy rolled her eyes. âHeâs been orbiting you since day one. Even Wes wouldâve told you to give the guy a chance.â
The mention of Wes still stung, but it didnât cut as deep anymore.
One evening, after a long study session in the library that turned into just the two of you talking about everything and nothing, Ethan walked you back to your place. The city lights glittered off wet sidewalks, air crisp with early fall.
You stopped outside your building, turning to him. âWhy do you keep being so⊠nice to me?â
He rubbed the back of his neck, cheeks pink. âBecause I like you. A lot. And I know youâre hurting. I donât want to push, but⊠I also donât want to pretend I donât feel this.â
You stared at him. Something cracked inside youânot breaking, just shifting. For the first time in months, you felt the tiniest spark of warmth that wasnât just grief wearing a different mask.
You stepped closer. âI donât know if I can do this right now.â
âI know,â he said softly. âBut maybe we can try? Slow. No pressure.â
You looked up into his eyesâearnest, patient, a little nervousâand something gave way.
You kissed him.
It was tentative at first, your hands fisting in his hoodie, his fingers gentle on your waist like he was afraid youâd vanish. But then he deepened it, and the world narrowed to the taste of himâcoffee and mint and something uniquely Ethan. Your back hit the brick wall beside the door, and suddenly the kiss turned hungry.
You tugged him inside, up the stairs, fumbling with keys until you were both tumbling through your door. Clothes came off in a frantic rushâhis hoodie, your shirt, his jeans catching on one ankle as you pulled him toward the bed.
He paused when you were both down to skin, eyes tracing every inch of you like you were something precious. âYouâre beautiful,â he breathed, voice rough.
You pulled him down on top of you, legs wrapping around his hips. âDonât stop.â
He didnât.
His mouth was everywhereâneck, collarbone, lowerâteasing until you were arching, gasping his name. When he finally slid inside you, slow and careful at first, it felt like coming home after being lost for too long. You clung to him, nails in his back, hips meeting his in a rhythm that built and built.
âEthanââ you whimpered, head thrown back.
âIâve got you,â he murmured against your throat, thrusts growing harder, deeper. âLet go. Iâve got you.â
The release hit you like a wave, shattering the last of the walls youâd built. He followed seconds later, burying his face in your neck with a broken groan, holding you like he never wanted to let go.
ââ
The morning after felt like stepping into cold water.
You woke up before him, sunlight slicing through the blinds in harsh stripes across the bed. Ethanâs arm was still draped over your waist, loose and warm, his breathing slow and even against your shoulder. For one stupid, fragile second, you let yourself feel itâthe safety, the quiet. Then the guilt crashed in like it had been waiting.
You slipped out from under him carefully, heart hammering, and dressed in yesterdayâs clothes. The door clicked shut behind you softer than it should have.
For three days, you disappeared.
You skipped film studies. You told Mindy you had a migraine when she texted about grabbing coffee. You walked the long way across campus just to avoid the path past Chad and Ethanâs dorm. Every time your phone buzzed with his name, you let it go to silent.
But Ethan wasnât the type to let things fester.
It happened on the fourth day, late afternoon, in the narrow alley between the arts building and the libraryâyour usual shortcut when you thought no one was watching. You rounded the corner and there he was, leaning against the brick wall like heâd been waiting for hours. Hands in his pockets, hoodie up, eyes tired but steady.
You froze.
âHey,â he said quietly.
You turned to bolt.
âPlease.â His voice cracked just enough to stop you. âJust⊠talk to me for two minutes. Thatâs all Iâm asking.â
You hugged your backpack tighter to your chest like it could shield you. âEthanââ
âDid I do something wrong?â He pushed off the wall, taking one careful step closer. âLast night. Did I hurt you? Or⊠push too fast? Because if I did, Iâm so fucking sorry, Iââ
âNo.â The word came out too fast, too sharp. You shook your head. âNo, you didnât. It wasnât that.â
He searched your face, confusion deepening the lines around his eyes. He dropped his voice, almost a whisper. âThen⊠did you not like it?â
The question hung there, vulnerable and small.
You felt your throat close. âIt wasnât that either.â
âThen what?â He sounded like he was bracing for something awful.
You looked away, at the chipped paint on the wall, at the trash bin, anywhere but him. âI⊠I liked it. Too much. Thatâs the problem.â
Silence stretched.
You forced the rest out before you lost your nerve. âHow about we speak of that night never to anyone? Please. Ethan, youâre⊠youâre a really nice guy. A great guy. But Iâm not ready for anything real yet. I thought I could be, I wanted to be, but Iâmââ Your voice broke. âIâm still so messed up over Wes. And I hate that I dragged you into it. Iâm really, really sorry.â
He didnât move. Didnât speak for a long beat.
When he finally did, his voice was soft, careful. âYou didnât drag me anywhere. I wanted to be there. With you.â
âI know.â You swallowed hard. âBut I canât give you what you deserve right now. I canât even give it to myself.â
He nodded slowly, like he was absorbing every word. His hands flexed at his sides, then went back into his pockets. âOkay.â
âOkay?â You risked a glance at him.
âYeah.â He gave a small, sad half-smile. âI wonât push. I wonât tell anyone. And I wonât⊠disappear on you either, if thatâs okay. Friends? Or whatever version of that you can handle?â
You blinked back the sudden sting in your eyes. âYouâd still want that? After I just⊠used you like that?â
âYou didnât use me.â He shook his head. âYou let me in. Even if it was just for one night. Thatâs not nothing.â
You didnât know what to say to that.
He took a step back, giving you space. âTake the time you need. Iâll be around. No pressure. No expectations.â
Then he turned to go.
âEthan.â
He paused, half-turned.
âThank you,â you whispered.
He nodded once, eyes warm despite everything. âAnytime.â
And then he walked away, shoulders a little hunched, but not defeated.
You stood there in the alley until the cold started to seep through your jacket, until the guilt felt less like a knife and more like a bruiseâpainful, but bearable.
You werenât ready.
Not yet.
But for the first time since the graveyard, you didnât feel completely alone
â
The first kill hits like a thunderclap you didnât see coming.
Itâs Halloween week in New York, 2023âone year after the Woodsboro bloodbath that took Wes, Richie, Amber, and too many others. The Core Four (plus you, clinging to the edges like a shadow) have settled into Blackmore University, pretending the past is just a bad movie they can walk out of. Taraâs in film studies, Mindyâs still roasting bad horror tropes, Chadâs trying to be the big protective brother, and EthanâŠ
Ethanâs still Ethan.
After that alleyway conversation, things shifted but never fully broke. You kept your distance at firstâawkward nods in the hallway, quick smiles during group hangoutsâbut the pull never faded. One late-night study session turned into two, turned into him walking you home âjust in case,â turned into stolen moments where words werenât needed. No labels. No promises. Just bodies and breath and the unspoken agreement that this was temporary, safe, stringless.
You told yourself it was just sex. Release. A way to feel something other than grief.
But every time he touched youâslow, careful, like he was memorizing every inchâit felt dangerously close to more.
The night Laura Crane dies, youâre in his dorm. Chadâs out with Tara at some party, the room quiet except for the hum of the city outside and the soft sounds youâre both trying (and failing) to keep down.
Ethanâs above you, hips rolling deep and steady, his forehead pressed to yours. Sweat slicks your skin where you touch. Your legs are hooked around his waist, nails dragging down his back as he whispers your name like a prayer.
âFuckâEthanââ
He groans, pace faltering for a second before he picks it up, harder now, chasing the edge with you. No one knows. No one can know. Youâve both been carefulâsneaking in after dark, leaving before dawn, acting like polite acquaintances in front of the others.
When you come, itâs sharp and shattering, your hand clamped over your mouth to muffle the cry. He follows right after, burying his face in your neck with a broken sound, holding you tight like letting go might unravel him.
You lie there afterward, tangled and breathing hard, his fingers tracing idle circles on your hip. The silence is comfortable, almost tender.
Then his phone buzzes on the nightstand.
He ignores it at first. It buzzes again. And again.
With a sigh, he reaches over, glances at the screen. His body goes stiff.
âWhat?â you ask, voice still rough.
He sits up slowly, face pale in the dim light from the window. âChad. He says⊠thereâs been a murder. Some film professor. Ghostface.â
The words land like ice water.
You sit up too, heart slamming against your ribs. âHere? In New York?â
He nods, eyes wide, looking every bit the nervous, awkward guy youâve convinced yourself he is. âThey found her in an alley. Stabbed. And⊠Jason Carveyâheâs in our film classâheâs missing too. They think he did it, but thenâŠâ
He trails off, swallowing hard.
You feel the old panic rising, the same one that hit when you got the call about Wes. Barefoot in the rain. Screaming. The graveyard.
Ethan reaches for your hand, lacing fingers gently. âHey. Weâre okay. Weâre all together this time. No oneâs alone.â
You want to believe him. You really do.
But as he pulls you back down, wrapping arms around you like he can shield you from whateverâs coming, you canât shake the feeling that the strings you swore werenât there are tightening.
No strings, you remind yourself, even as his heartbeat thuds steady against your back.
Just sex.
Just survival.
Just waiting for the next call.
Rafe Cameron x pouge!reader
Summary : where your in Dept with rafe and you owe him money
The sheets were still tangled around your legs when Rafe rolled off you, chest heaving, that smug, post-fuck grin already creeping back onto his face. The room smelled like sex, sweat, and the faint metallic tang of coke residue on the nightstand. You stared at the ceiling of his stupidly huge bedroom, trying to catch your breath, telling yourself this was the last time. Just one more payment toward the debt, then youâd ghost him for good.
He propped himself up on one elbow, eyes raking over your naked body like he was appraising merchandise. Slow. Deliberate. The kind of look that made your skin crawl even as heat pooled low in your belly again.
âDamn,â he muttered, voice rough from earlier. âNot bad, Pogue. You almost make it worth the hassle.â
You swallowed, sitting up and reaching for your discarded shirt on the floor. âWeâre even now, right? That⊠that covered what I owed.â
Rafe barked a short laugh, the sound sharp enough to make you flinch. He sat up fully, sheets pooling around his waist, and grabbed his phone from the nightstand like he had all the time in the world.
âEven?â He scrolled lazily, not even looking at you at first. Then his eyes flicked up, dark and amused. âYou still owe me money, sweetheart.â
Your stomach dropped. âWhat? No. We agreedââ
âYou agreed to fuck me.â He cut you off, tilting his head as he looked you up and down againâlingering on the bruises heâd left on your thighs, the red marks on your neck. âThat was⊠what? Half of it? Maybe less. Generous estimate.â
He tossed the phone aside and leaned in closer, breath hot against your ear. âThe eight-ball you took last month? Thatâs not pocket change, baby. And this?â His hand slid between your legs without warning, cupping you possessively, thumb brushing over sensitive skin until you gasped. âThis was a down payment. A real nice one. But the balance is still sitting pretty.â
You tried to shove his hand away, but he caught your wrist, pinning it to the mattress with casual strength. His other hand stayed where it was, fingers teasing just enough to remind you how easily he could make you fall apart again.
âRafeââ
âShh.â He pressed a mocking kiss to your temple. âDonât start whining. You knew the rules when you came crawling back here. Pogue trash doesnât get free rides. Especially not from me.â
His grip tightened, eyes glinting with that familiar mix of cruelty and hunger. âSo hereâs how this works now. You want to keep breathing easyâno Barry showing up at your shitty trailer, no broken fingers for your familyâyou keep coming back. You keep paying. Mouth, hands, pussy, whatever I want. Until I say the debtâs clear.â
He finally released you, but only to trail his fingers up your stomach, leaving goosebumps in their wake. âOr,â he added softly, almost sweetly, âI can take it out of your hide another way. Your choice.â
You stared at him, heart hammering, the reality sinking in like ice water. This wasnât a one-off anymore. It was a leash. And heâd just yanked it tight.
Rafe leaned back against the headboard, lighting a joint heâd left half-smoked earlier, exhaling smoke in lazy rings. âGet dressed. Or donât. I donât care. But be here tomorrow night. Same time. Bring that pretty little attitudeâI like breaking it.â
He smirked, taking another drag. âAnd wear something easy to rip off. Weâre nowhere near done.â
Topper Thornton x black!kook!reader
Summary : where she is Inlove with topper and he dosent feel the same
Warnings : Toxic/unhealthy relationshipEmotional manipulation & gaslightingCheating (from Topperâs side)One-sided love / unrequited feelingsExplicit sexual contentReader being used for sex & emotional supportAngst, heartbreak, low self-worth themes Mild verbal aggression / arguments Self-destructive / self-sabotaging behavior Rafe being predatory/toxic Emotional numbness & dissociation during intimacy
A/n Ik this is a lot
The bass from the speakers at some Figure Eight house party thumped through your chest like a second heartbeat. You leaned against the kitchen island, nursing a solo cup of something too sweet and too strong, watching Topper across the room. He was laughing with Rafe and Kelce, that easy, golden-boy grin on full display, but his eyes kept flicking toward the staircase. Sarah had just walked in with some half-hearted excuse about âneeding airâ earlier, and everyone knew what that meantâshe was probably texting John B again.
You hated how predictable it was. How predictable he was.
Youâd been hooking up with Topper for months now. It started innocently enoughâa drunk makeout at Midsummers after Sarah ditched him for the night, then late-night drives in his Jeep where heâd rant about how she âdidnât get him,â how she was âchanging.â Youâd listen, stroke his ego, let him pull you into the backseat. And God, the sex was good. Mind-numbing, leave-you-shaking good. He knew exactly how to touch you, how to make you forget you were just the backup plan.
But you wanted more. You wanted him. Dates at the country club, his arm around you in public, mornings waking up in his bed without the guilt hanging over everything. You were a Kook tooâsame circles, same money, same everything. You fit. Sarah didnât even want him anymore, not really. So why couldnât he see that?
Tonight youâd dressed to kill: sleek black dress that hugged every curve, gold hoops catching the light, hair in perfect curls that framed your face. You knew he liked it when you looked like thisâuntouchable, like you belonged on his arm.
You caught his eye across the room. He excused himself from the guys and made his way over, that cocky stride that always made your stomach flip.
âHey,â he said low, voice rough from yelling over the music. His hand found your waist immediately, possessive like always when no one important was watching.
âHey yourself.â You tilted your head, forcing a smile. âSarah leave already?â
His jaw tightened. âSheâs⊠dealing with family shit.â
Right. Family shit named John B Routledge.
You set your cup down. âYou wanna get out of here? My parents are at some gala till dawn. House is empty.â
His eyes darkened, the way they always did when he was thinking about it. About you. About forgetting her for a few hours.
âYeah,â he muttered. âLetâs go.â
The drive was quiet, windows down, salt air whipping through. His hand rested high on your thigh the whole way, thumb tracing lazy circles like he owned the space. You let him. You always let him.
Inside your house, it was the same routine. Clothes shed in the hallway, his mouth on your neck before the bedroom door even closed. He fucked you like he was angryâat Sarah, at the world, at himselfâand you took it all, moaning his name, nails digging into his back, whispering âI love youâ when you came so hard your vision blurred.
He never said it back.
After, he lay on his back staring at the ceiling, chest rising and falling. You curled into his side, tracing patterns on his abs.
âTopperâŠâ You hesitated. âWe could⊠do this for real, you know. Date. Be together. No sneaking around.â
He went still. Then a small, bitter laugh escaped him.
âBabyâŠâ He turned his head, eyes soft in that way that always tricked you into hoping. âYou know itâs not that simple.â
âWhy not?â Your voice cracked. âShe doesnât want you. Sheâs with him. But Iâm right here. Iâve been right here.â
He sat up, running a hand through his hair. âSarahâs⊠sheâs confused. Sheâll come around. She always does.â
The words hit like a slap. You sat up too, pulling the sheet around you like armor.
âSo Iâm what? The placeholder? The one who fucks you when she wonât?â
âDonât say it like that.â He reached for you, but you flinched away.
âThatâs exactly what it is. You cheat on her with me, then go right back to chasing her. And I let you because Iâm stupid enough to think youâll pick me one day.â
He looked guiltyâfor a second. Then defensive. âYouâre not stupid. Youâre⊠youâre amazing. But Sarahââ
âStop.â You stood, grabbing his shirt from the floor and tossing it at him. âGet out.â
âWhat? Come onââ
âGet. Out.â Tears burned your eyes, but you refused to let them fall in front of him. âIâm done being your consolation prize.â
He stared at you, jaw working like he wanted to argue, but he knew you meant it this time. Maybe.
He dressed slowly. At the door, he paused. âIâll call you tomorrow.â
You didnât answer. Just shut the door behind him and slid down it, finally letting the tears come.
You were madly in love with Topper Thornton. But love wasnât supposed to feel like thisâlike you were bleeding out while he kept running back to someone who didnât even want his blood.
Maybe tomorrow youâd block his number. Maybe tomorrow youâd stop answering late-night texts. Maybe tomorrow youâd realize you deserved better than being the girl he called when Sarah said no.
But tonight? Tonight you just cried until the sun came up, wondering how someone so golden could make you feel so invisible
â
Two weeks.
Thatâs how long you lasted before you answered his call again.
It was 2:17 a.m. when your phone lit up. Topper đïž flashing across the screen like a warning you chose to ignore.
You stared at it for three rings. Told yourself you were strong enough now. That youâd deleted his number (you hadnât). That blocking him was just one tap away (it wasnât).
You answered anyway.
âHeyâŠâ His voice was soft, slurred at the edges. Drunk. Lonely. âYou awake?â
You hated how your heart still lurched at that toneâlike he needed you. Like you were the only one who could fix whatever was breaking inside him tonight.
âYeah,â you whispered, already sitting up in bed. âWhatâs wrong?â
âSarah⊠she was with him again. At the bonfire on the Cut. Everyone saw.â A bitter laugh. âShe looked right through me. Like I donât even exist.â
You closed your eyes. Pictured it: Sarah laughing with John B under string lights, hair in the wind, finally free of the golden cage Topper tried to keep her in. And Topper watching from the edge like a kicked dog.
âIâm sorry,â you said automatically. Muscle memory.
âDonât be. Itâs not your fault.â A pause. âCan I come over?â
You shouldâve said no.
Shouldâve said, You only call when she hurts you.
Shouldâve said, Iâm not your rebound anymore.
Instead you whispered, âDoorâs unlocked.â
He was there in fifteen minutesâhair messy, shirt untucked, smelling like bonfire smoke and expensive whiskey. The second the door closed he was on you: hands in your hair, mouth desperate, kissing you like he was drowning and you were oxygen.
You let him carry you to the couch because the bedroom felt too intimate now, too much like something real. He didnât bother with wordsâjust peeled your sleep shorts down, dropped to his knees between your thighs, and buried his face like worship.
He ate you out like a man starved. Slow licks turning frantic, fingers curling inside you until you were shaking, crying his name into your own palm so the neighbors wouldnât hear. When you came it was violent, back arching, thighs clamping around his head. He groaned against you like your pleasure was his salvation.
Then he flipped you over the arm of the couch, slid into you in one rough thrust, no condom because youâd both stopped pretending months ago. He fucked you hardâpunishing, possessive, whispering filth against your ear.
âYou feel so fucking good⊠always so tight for me⊠fuck, baby, you take it so wellâŠâ
You hated how your body responded. How you clenched around him every time he called you baby. How you arched back to meet every thrust even as tears slipped down your cheeks.
He came inside you with a choked groan, hips stuttering, forehead pressed to your shoulder. For a moment he just held you thereâstill buried deep, breathing ragged against your neck.
Then reality crept back in.
He pulled out slowly. You felt the warm slide of him leaking out and hated how familiar it was. He grabbed a throw blanket, draped it over your shoulders like that made it romantic instead of transactional.
You stayed bent over the couch arm, trying to catch your breath, trying not to cry again.
Topper kissed the back of your neck. âYouâre the best, you know that?â
The words were sweet. They always were right after.
You turned your head just enough to look at him. âThen why am I still the secret?â
His expression shuttered. âDonât start.â
âIâm not starting anything. Iâm asking.â Your voice cracked. âTwo weeks ago I told you to leave. You said youâd call tomorrow. You didnât. Until she rejected you again.â
He stepped back, running both hands through his hair. âItâs not like that.â
âThen what is it like, Topper?â You straightened, pulling the blanket tighter. âBecause from where Iâm standing, Iâm the girl you fuck when Sarah says no. Iâm the one who listens to you cry about her. Iâm the one who tells you youâre enough when she treats you like youâre nothing. And you still go back to her every single time.â
He looked away. Jaw tight. Guilty.
âI love her,â he said quietly. Like that explained everything.
The words landed like a fist to the sternum.
You laughedâshort, broken. âYeah. I know.â
Silence stretched.
He reached for you. âCome hereââ
âNo.â You stepped back. âDonât touch me.â
His hand dropped. âI donât want to hurt you.â
âBut you do.â Tears finally spilled over. âEvery time you leave here and go chase her, you hurt me. Every time you tell me Iâm amazing and then disappear for days, you hurt me. Every time you come inside me and then act like nothing happened the next day at the club, you hurt me.â
He looked miserable. âIâm trying to figure it out.â
âYouâve had months.â Your voice rose. âMonths of using me while you wait for her to change her mind. And I let you. Because Iâm in love with you. Stupid, pathetic, disgusting love. And you know it. You know it and you still do this.â
He flinched like youâd slapped him.
You wiped your face angrily. âGet out.â
âBabyââ
âStop calling me that.â You pointed at the door. âGet the fuck out of my house, Topper.â
For once, he didnât argue.
He grabbed his keys, paused at the door. âIâm sorry.â
âNo youâre not.â You met his eyes. âYouâre just sorry Iâm finally saying it out loud.â
He left without another word.
You locked the door behind him.
Sank to the floor.
And for the first time in months, you didnât cry.
You were too tired.
But the next morning your phone buzzed.
Topper đïž: Can we talk? I donât want to lose you.
You stared at the message for a long time.
Then you opened your contacts.
Pressed block.
It wasnât forever.
You knew yourself too wellâknew the next time Sarah broke his heart heâd find another way to reach you. A friendâs phone. A DM from a new account. Showing up at your house at 3 a.m.
But tonight?
Tonight you chose yourself.
Even if it only lasted until the next time he looked at you like you were the only thing keeping him from falling apart.
â-
Toppers pov ~
The golf cart hummed under us as we cruised down the empty fairway at the country club, sun dipping low, turning everything gold and hazy. Rafe was drivingâalways driving when he was wiredâcoke making his eyes too bright, his laugh too sharp. I sat shotgun, beer in hand, trying to shake off the hangover from last night. Or maybe the guilt. Same difference.
Kelce was in the back, half-asleep, but Rafe wasnât letting the quiet last.
âSo,â he drawled, glancing sideways at me like he already knew the answer. âYou still fucking that girl? The one with the hair Whatâs her name doesnât matter. The one whoâs been letting you smash since Sarah started slumming it with that pouge
I took a long pull from the beer. âYeah. Sometimes.â
âSometimes?â He snorted, swerving just to make Kelce jolt awake. âBro, youâve been âsometimesâ for months. Youâre whipped and youâre not even getting the title. Thatâs sad, man.â
âSheâs⊠good,â I muttered. Too good. Too available. Too in love with me when I couldnât give it back. Every time I left her place, I felt like shit. Every time I went back, I told myself it was just sex. Just blowing off steam.
Rafe killed the engine at the edge of the green, cart rocking to a stop. He twisted in his seat, elbows on the wheel, staring me down like I was one of his deals gone bad.
âAll Iâm saying isâŠâ He leaned in closer, voice dropping to that conspiratorial tone he used when he was about to drop something ugly. âTell the bitch you love her.â
I blinked. âWhat?â
âYou heard me.â He grinned, all teeth. âLook her dead in the eyes, say the wordsââI love you, baby.â Make it good. Cry if you have to. Girls eat that shit up. Then get a couple tapes outta her. Nudes. Videos. Whatever sheâll give when she thinks youâre finally hers. Lock that shit down. Then dip. Simple.â
Kelce chuckled from the back like it was the funniest thing heâd heard all week. âCold, bro. Cold.â
My stomach twisted. âThatâs fucked up, Rafe.â
âIs it?â He shrugged, pulling out his key bump like it was nothing. Snorted quick, wiped his nose. âSheâs been riding your dick for free while you pine over Sarah. She knows the score. You think she doesnât? Girls like thatâthey act all in love, but theyâre playing the same game. You just play it better.â
I stared at the manicured grass. Thought about her last night: tears on her cheeks while I was still inside her, whispering how much she loved me. How sheâd looked at me like I hung the moon. And Iâd said nothing. Just came and left.
âI donât know, man,â I said quietly. âSheâs⊠different.â
Rafe barked a laugh. âDifferent? Nah. Theyâre all the same. Sarahâs different too, right? Till sheâs not. Till sheâs sucking face with a Pogue on the beach while youâre jerking off to memories. Donât be a pussy, Top. You want her? Take what you can get. Milk it. Then cut it loose before she starts thinking she owns you.â
He clapped me on the shoulderâhard. âOr keep crying into your pillow every time Sarah posts a pic with that trailer trash. Your call.â
Kelce piped up. âHeâs got a point. Youâre letting her string you along. Flip the script.â
I didnât say anything. Just cracked another beer.
Later that night, my phone lit up. Her name. Hey. You okay? Havenât heard from you since⊠you know.
I stared at the screen. Thumb hovering.
Rafeâs voice echoed in my head: Tell the bitch you love her. Get the tapes. Dip.
I could do it. Text back some bullshit sweet nothing. Show up at her door with flowers or whatever. Say the words. Film her saying them back while she rode me. Save it for when she got too clingy. Blackmail material. Exit strategy.
Easy.
My thumb moved.
Yeah. Miss you. Can I come over? Need to talk.
Sent.
I tossed the phone on the bed like it burned me. Stomach churning.
Rafe was right about one thing: this was simple.
Simple and fucking rotten.
But I was already pulling on my shoes, heading for the Jeep.
Because Sarah wasnât answering my texts anymore.
And the quiet in my head was too loud without someone telling me I was enough.
Even if the someone was just a warm body I was about to ruin.
I showed up at her door with a bouquet of white rosesâher favorite, the ones sheâd mentioned once in passing after Iâd fucked her slow and sweet on her parentsâ balcony. Iâd stopped at the 24-hour florist on the way, told myself it was just part of the play. Rafeâs voice was still looping in my skull like a bad track on repeat: Tell the bitch you love her. Get the tapes. Dip.
She opened the door in those little silk sleep shorts and an oversized tee, hair messy from sleep, eyes wary but hopeful the second she saw the flowers.
âTopper?â Her voice cracked on my name. âWhat are youââ
âI couldnât stop thinking about what you said.â I stepped inside before she could slam the door, pressed the roses into her hands. âYouâre right. Iâve been an asshole. Iâve been using you. And I hate myself for it.â
Her eyes searched mine, big and dark and so fucking trusting it made my chest ache. âYou mean that?â
âYeah.â I cupped her face, thumb brushing her cheek. âI love you.â
The words came out easy. Too easy. Like Iâd rehearsed them in the Jeep on the drive over. Her breath hitched. Tears welled up instantly.
âYou⊠you love me?â she whispered, like she was afraid saying it louder would make it disappear.
I nodded, pulled her into my chest, kissed the top of her head. âIâve loved you for months. I was just too scared to admit it. Scared of what it meant. Scared of losing Sarah for good. But sheâs gone. Sheâs with him. And Iâm done pretending I want anyone else.â
She melted against me. Arms wrapping tight around my waist. Face buried in my shirt. I felt her shake with quiet sobsâhappy ones this time.
âI love you too,â she breathed. âGod, Topper, Iâve loved you for so long.â
I tilted her chin up, kissed her deep. Slow. The way she liked. The way that always made her forget everything else. She kissed me back like I was air and sheâd been drowning.
We didnât make it to the bedroom. Couch again. Clothes half-on, half-off. I laid her back, spread her thighs, ate her out until she was crying my name, fingers tangled in my hair, begging. When she came it was loud, body arching, thighs trembling around my face.
I climbed over her, slid inside raw like always. She wrapped her legs around me, nails in my back, whispering âI love youâ over and over like a prayer.
Thatâs when I reached for my phone on the coffee table. Propped it against a book on the shelf. Hit record. Angle perfectâher face in frame, mine mostly hidden. She didnât notice. Too lost in it. Too lost in me.
I fucked her harder then. Deeper. Told her how perfect she was. How no one else could ever make me feel this way. How I wanted her forever. Every lie sounded like truth when I said it while buried inside her.
She came again around me, clenching so tight I almost lost it. I pulled out at the last second, came on her stomach, watched it drip down her skin while she panted beneath me.
After, I wiped her clean with my shirt. Held her. Let her curl into my side while she traced circles on my chest.
âIâm yours,â she murmured, sleepy and sated. âOnly yours.â
I kissed her forehead. âI know, baby.â
She fell asleep like thatâtrusting, soft, finally happy..
âââ
I didnât block Topper.
I shouldâve. But I didnât.
Instead, I let the silence stretch. Days blurred into nights of scrolling through his storiesâhim at the club with Rafe and Kelce, shirtless on the boat, grinning like nothing had ever happened. No mention of me. No âgood morning, baby.â Just the ghost of his âI love youâ echoing in my empty bed.
I hated myself for checking.
Hated myself more for still wanting him to check on me.
The self-loathing started small: skipping meals, staring at my reflection until I couldnât recognize the girl looking back. Youâre pathetic. Letting him use you like a toy. Saying yes every time he crooked a finger. Then it grew teeth. No wonder he went back to Sarah. Youâre just the easy fuck. The one who spreads her legs and calls it love.
I stopped answering my friendsâ texts. Started going to parties alone. Figure Eight basements, yacht decks, whoever was throwing the biggest ragers. Iâd show up in something short and tight, hair down, makeup sharp enough to cut glass. Drink until the edges blurred. Let whoever was closest put their hands on me.
First it was some guy from the tennis teamâhandsome, forgettable. We ended up in a guest room at whoeverâs house it was. He was eager, clumsy. I faked it. Came home smelling like his cologne and someone elseâs regret.
It didnât fill the hole. Just made it wider.
Next was a senior from the rowing team. Rougher. I let him choke me a little, let him call me names Iâd never let Topper say. Told myself it was control. Told myself I was choosing this time.
Lies.
The self-loathing whispered louder: See? This is all youâre good for. A hole for them to use and forget.
Then Rafe happened.
It was at one of those coke-fueled ragers on the beachâbonfire, music blasting from someoneâs speaker, everyone too high or drunk to care. Iâd already had three drinks and a bump someone passed me. Numbness settling in like an old friend.
Rafe found me by the water. Shirt unbuttoned, chain glinting, eyes wild from whatever heâd taken. He smirked when he saw me.
âTrouble in paradise?â he asked, stepping close enough I could smell the whiskey on him. âHeard Topperâs been moping. You finally cut him loose?â
I laughedâbitter, hollow. âSomething like that.â
He tilted his head, studying me like I was a puzzle he wanted to break. âYou look like you need to forget.â
I did.
So when he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the dunes, I followed.
We didnât even make it to a car. Just the sand, hidden by tall grass and darkness. He pushed me down, rough but not cruel. Hands everywhereâunder my dress, in my hair, mouth on my neck biting hard enough to leave marks Iâd hide tomorrow.
âYouâre hot when youâre pissed,â he muttered against my skin. âBetter than that whiny shit Topper pulls.â
I didnât answer. Just arched into him, let him flip me onto my stomach, pull my hips up. He fucked me hard from behind, one hand fisted in my curls, the other gripping my waist. No condom. No talking. Just the slap of skin, his grunts, my muffled moans into the sand.
It hurt a little. I liked that.
When he came, he pulled out and finished on my back. Rolled off me without a word. Lit a cigarette. Offered me one.
I took it. Inhaled until my lungs burned.
âTopperâs an idiot,â Rafe said eventually, exhaling smoke toward the stars. âBut you? Youâre fun.â
I stared at the ocean. Felt nothing.
Fun.
Thatâs what I was now.
Not loved. Not even liked.
Just fun.
The self-loathing screamed: You just let Rafe CameronâTopperâs best friend, the guy who probably told him to fuck you overâuse you like trash on the beach. You came here. You spread your legs. Youâre disgusting.
I went home. Showered again. Scrubbed until my skin was raw.
Texted Topper that night for the first time in weeks: Miss you.
He didnât reply until morning.
Topper: Yeah? Come over later.
I went.
Let him fuck me in his bed while his parents were out. Let him say âI love youâ again like it meant something.
Cried in the shower after.
I was spiraling. Fucking anyone who looked at me twice. Chasing numbness. Proving to myself I was exactly what they all thought: easy. Disposable.
And the worst part?
I didnât know how to stop.
Because feeling nothing was better than feeling the truth:
I was the side piece.
The rebound.
The girl whoâd let herself be ruined.
And I was ruining myself even more to prove it.
â-
I stopped feeling things in color.
Everything turned gray-scale. Sounds muffled like I was underwater. My body moved, but I wasnât really in it anymore. Just watching from somewhere far away, like I was floating above my own shoulder, observing this girl who looked like me but wasnât.
They call it dissociation. I call it survival.
Mornings were the worst. Iâd wake up in my bedâalone now, mostlyâand stare at the ceiling until my phone buzzed. Topper. Rafe. Some random number from last weekend. Didnât matter who. Iâd answer. Go. Let them take what they wanted.
The sex didnât feel like sex anymore. It was mechanics. Skin sliding against skin. Breathing. Thrusting. Coming or not coming. My mouth made the right soundsâmoans, gasps, âyes, harderââbut inside it was quiet. Empty. Like someone else was puppeteering my limbs while I sat in the dark theater of my head and watched the performance.
Last nightâor was it the night before?âRafe again. His parentsâ guest house. Coke on the glass table. He snorted a line, offered me one. I did it because why not. Numbness on top of numbness. He bent me over the pool table, dress shoved up, no preamble. Fucked me while the balls clacked every time he slammed in. I stared at the green felt, counting the diamonds on the rail. One. Two. Three. Didnât feel the stretch, the burn, the slap of his hips. Just counted.
He finished inside meâdidnât ask, didnât care. Pulled out. Zipped up. Lit another cigarette.
âYouâre quiet tonight,â he said, exhaling smoke. âUsually youâre louder.â
I didnât answer. Just pulled my dress down, smoothed it like nothing happened. Walked out to the patio barefoot. Sat on the edge of the pool with my feet in the cold water. Stared at the ripples until they blurred.
My reflection looked back at me from the surfaceâdark eyes, full lips, curls starting to frizz from the humidity. Pretty, I guess. Useful. Disposable.
I didnât recognize her.
Topper texted the next afternoon. Come over. Parents gone.
I went.
He was already hard when I walked in. Pushed me against the wall in the foyer, hands under my skirt, mouth on my neck. I let him. Lifted one leg around his waist like muscle memory. He slid in rawâalways raw nowâand fucked me standing up, grunting into my ear about how tight I was, how much he missed this.
I stared over his shoulder at the framed family photo on the wall. Him, Sarah, their perfect smiles. My body rocked with every thrust, but my mind floated. Detached. Watching the girl get railed in someone elseâs hallway like it was a movie scene.
He came fast. Groaned my name like it meant something. Kissed me sloppy after, like we were lovers instead of whatever this was.
âYou okay?â he asked, pulling out, cum already dripping down my thigh.
âYeah,â I said. Voice flat. Automatic.
He didnât push. Just zipped up. Offered me a beer. I took it. Drank half without tasting it.
Later, in his bed, he tried to cuddle. Arm over my waist. Breath on my neck. I lay there stiff, eyes open, staring at the ceiling fan spinning slow circles. Counted the blades. One. Two. Three. Four.
He fell asleep. I didnât.
I slipped out around 3 a.m. Didnât wake him. Drove home with the windows down, cold air whipping my face. Didnât cry. Didnât feel anything to cry about.
Back in my bathroom, I stripped. Stepped under the shower again. Hot water. Cold water. Didnât matter. Stood there until my fingers pruned. Looked down at my bodyâbruises blooming on my hips from Rafeâs grip, bite marks on my breasts from Topper, faint handprints on my thighs from whoever was last week.
This is me now, I thought. A collection of marks. A body that gets used. A shell that says yes because no would require feeling something.
I dried off. Got into bed naked. Pulled the covers up. Stared at the dark.
No tears.
No anger.
Just quiet.
The girl in the mirror was gone.
What was left was this: a thing that fucked. That answered texts. That let boys like Topper and Rafe and strangers leave pieces of themselves inside her.
And somewhere deep down, buried under layers of gray fog, a tiny voice still whispered:
You deserve this.
You asked for this.
This is all youâll ever be.
I closed my eyes.
Didnât dream
ââ
A/n omg she sounds like such a ho I feel bad
It didnât happen all at once.
There was no big momentâno dramatic confrontation, no tearful breakdown in the rain, no âIâm doneâ speech to Topper or Rafe that made everything click.
Just⊠quiet.
One morning I woke up and didnât reach for my phone first thing. Didnât check if Topper had texted. Didnât scroll through stories hoping to see his face. I just lay there, staring at the ceiling, and realized the gray fog had thinned. Not gone. But thinner. Enough that I could breathe without counting fan blades.
I stopped going to the parties.
Stopped answering late-night texts from numbers I didnât save.
Stopped letting anyone touch me just to feel something.
The first week was hell. Withdrawal from the chaos. My body craved the distractionâthe hands, the alcohol, the temporary high of being wanted even if it was fake. I cried in the shower more nights than not. Not pretty crying. Ugly, choking sobs that left me curled on the tile floor. But I didnât text anyone to come over. I let myself feel the ache instead of drowning it.
I started small.
Went back to the beach alone at sunrise. Sat on the sand with my knees up, watching the waves instead of letting someone fuck me behind the dunes. The salt air started to feel clean again. Like it could wash away the sand stuck in my hair from nights I couldnât remember clearly.
Then I met JJ.
It wasnât dramatic. No sparks. No slow-motion eye contact across a crowded room.
I was at The Wreck one afternoonâKiaraâs family placeâbecause Iâd finally answered one of her texts after ghosting everyone for months. She didnât push. Just said, âCome eat. No questions.â So I went. Sat at the bar in the back corner, picking at fries, trying not to look like I was about to bolt.
JJ slid onto the stool next to me like he belonged there. Messy blond hair, cutoff tee, that easy grin that never quite reached âcocky.â He smelled like sunscreen and motor oil and the ocean.
âYouâre the girl who used to hang with Topperâs crew, right?â he asked, no judgment, just curious. âHavenât seen you around in a minute.â
I tensed. Waited for the jab. The âwhat happened?â or the smirk.
Instead he just stole one of my fries. âThese are better with hot sauce. Trust.â
I blinked. âUh⊠yeah. I guess.â
He flagged down the bartender, got a bottle of hot sauce, dumped some on a fry, ate it, then pushed the bottle toward me. âTry it. Life-changing.â
I did. It was good. Spicy enough to wake something up in my chest.
We didnât talk about Topper. Or Rafe. Or why Iâd disappeared. He just talkedâabout surf spots, about how Pope almost blew up their boat last week fixing the engine, about how John B was currently obsessed with some new theory about the Royal Merchant. He made me laugh. Not fake laugh. Real, surprised, rusty-from-disuse laugh.
After that, it became a thing.
Not dating. Not even close. Just⊠hanging out.
With the Pogues.
Kiara dragged me to movie nights at the Chateau. JJ taught me how to skimboard (badlyâI ate sand more than I rode waves). Pope quizzed me on random trivia like we were on a game show. John B let me crash on the porch hammock when I didnât want to go home to the empty Figure Eight silence.
No one asked for anything.
No hands wandering too far. No âyou owe meâ vibes. No pressure to perform or pretend.
JJ especially.
Heâd flirtâlight, teasing, the way he flirted with everyoneâbut never crossed the line. Never made me feel like my body was the only reason I was there. Sometimes weâd sit on the dock at dusk, legs dangling over the water, passing a joint back and forth in comfortable quiet. Heâd bump my shoulder with his. âYou good?â
And for the first time in forever, I could answer honestly.
âYeah. Getting there.â
One night we were all at the beach bonfire. Low-key. Just the five of us, a cooler, a fire that crackled instead of roared. JJ sat next to me on the driftwood log, close enough our thighs touched but not in a demanding way. He handed me a beer, clinked his against mine.
âYouâre smiling more,â he said quietly, so only I could hear.
I looked at himâreally looked. Sun-bleached hair, freckles across his nose, that crooked grin that made him look younger than he was. No agenda behind his eyes. Just⊠JJ.
âYeah,â I said softly. âI think I am.â
He didnât push. Didnât lean in for a kiss. Didnât make it about him. Just nodded like it was the most normal thing in the world.
And maybe it was starting to feel that way.
No more boys who took pieces of me and left holes.
No more chasing numbness.
Just this: friends. Laughter. Salt air. A slow, careful unfreezing.
I still had bad nights. Still woke up sometimes with Topperâs voice in my head, or Rafeâs hands ghosting over my skin in nightmares. But the gray was fading. Color creeping back inâocean blue, bonfire orange, the gold of JJâs hair when the sun hit it just right.
I wasnât fixed.
But I was healing.
And for the first time in a long time,
I didnât hate the girl looking back at me in the mirror.
She was starting to look like someone worth keeping around.
ââ

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Topper Thornton x black!kook!reader
Summary : where she is Inlove with topper and he dosent feel the same
Warnings : Toxic/unhealthy relationshipEmotional manipulation & gaslightingCheating (from Topperâs side)One-sided love / unrequited feelingsExplicit sexual contentReader being used for sex & emotional supportAngst, heartbreak, low self-worth themes Mild verbal aggression / arguments Self-destructive / self-sabotaging behavior Rafe being predatory/toxic Emotional numbness & dissociation during intimacy
A/n Ik this is a lot
The bass from the speakers at some Figure Eight house party thumped through your chest like a second heartbeat. You leaned against the kitchen island, nursing a solo cup of something too sweet and too strong, watching Topper across the room. He was laughing with Rafe and Kelce, that easy, golden-boy grin on full display, but his eyes kept flicking toward the staircase. Sarah had just walked in with some half-hearted excuse about âneeding airâ earlier, and everyone knew what that meantâshe was probably texting John B again.
You hated how predictable it was. How predictable he was.
Youâd been hooking up with Topper for months now. It started innocently enoughâa drunk makeout at Midsummers after Sarah ditched him for the night, then late-night drives in his Jeep where heâd rant about how she âdidnât get him,â how she was âchanging.â Youâd listen, stroke his ego, let him pull you into the backseat. And God, the sex was good. Mind-numbing, leave-you-shaking good. He knew exactly how to touch you, how to make you forget you were just the backup plan.
But you wanted more. You wanted him. Dates at the country club, his arm around you in public, mornings waking up in his bed without the guilt hanging over everything. You were a Kook tooâsame circles, same money, same everything. You fit. Sarah didnât even want him anymore, not really. So why couldnât he see that?
Tonight youâd dressed to kill: sleek black dress that hugged every curve, gold hoops catching the light, hair in perfect curls that framed your face. You knew he liked it when you looked like thisâuntouchable, like you belonged on his arm.
You caught his eye across the room. He excused himself from the guys and made his way over, that cocky stride that always made your stomach flip.
âHey,â he said low, voice rough from yelling over the music. His hand found your waist immediately, possessive like always when no one important was watching.
âHey yourself.â You tilted your head, forcing a smile. âSarah leave already?â
His jaw tightened. âSheâs⊠dealing with family shit.â
Right. Family shit named John B Routledge.
You set your cup down. âYou wanna get out of here? My parents are at some gala till dawn. House is empty.â
His eyes darkened, the way they always did when he was thinking about it. About you. About forgetting her for a few hours.
âYeah,â he muttered. âLetâs go.â
The drive was quiet, windows down, salt air whipping through. His hand rested high on your thigh the whole way, thumb tracing lazy circles like he owned the space. You let him. You always let him.
Inside your house, it was the same routine. Clothes shed in the hallway, his mouth on your neck before the bedroom door even closed. He fucked you like he was angryâat Sarah, at the world, at himselfâand you took it all, moaning his name, nails digging into his back, whispering âI love youâ when you came so hard your vision blurred.
He never said it back.
After, he lay on his back staring at the ceiling, chest rising and falling. You curled into his side, tracing patterns on his abs.
âTopperâŠâ You hesitated. âWe could⊠do this for real, you know. Date. Be together. No sneaking around.â
He went still. Then a small, bitter laugh escaped him.
âBabyâŠâ He turned his head, eyes soft in that way that always tricked you into hoping. âYou know itâs not that simple.â
âWhy not?â Your voice cracked. âShe doesnât want you. Sheâs with him. But Iâm right here. Iâve been right here.â
He sat up, running a hand through his hair. âSarahâs⊠sheâs confused. Sheâll come around. She always does.â
The words hit like a slap. You sat up too, pulling the sheet around you like armor.
âSo Iâm what? The placeholder? The one who fucks you when she wonât?â
âDonât say it like that.â He reached for you, but you flinched away.
âThatâs exactly what it is. You cheat on her with me, then go right back to chasing her. And I let you because Iâm stupid enough to think youâll pick me one day.â
He looked guiltyâfor a second. Then defensive. âYouâre not stupid. Youâre⊠youâre amazing. But Sarahââ
âStop.â You stood, grabbing his shirt from the floor and tossing it at him. âGet out.â
âWhat? Come onââ
âGet. Out.â Tears burned your eyes, but you refused to let them fall in front of him. âIâm done being your consolation prize.â
He stared at you, jaw working like he wanted to argue, but he knew you meant it this time. Maybe.
He dressed slowly. At the door, he paused. âIâll call you tomorrow.â
You didnât answer. Just shut the door behind him and slid down it, finally letting the tears come.
You were madly in love with Topper Thornton. But love wasnât supposed to feel like thisâlike you were bleeding out while he kept running back to someone who didnât even want his blood.
Maybe tomorrow youâd block his number. Maybe tomorrow youâd stop answering late-night texts. Maybe tomorrow youâd realize you deserved better than being the girl he called when Sarah said no.
But tonight? Tonight you just cried until the sun came up, wondering how someone so golden could make you feel so invisible
â
Two weeks.
Thatâs how long you lasted before you answered his call again.
It was 2:17 a.m. when your phone lit up. Topper đïž flashing across the screen like a warning you chose to ignore.
You stared at it for three rings. Told yourself you were strong enough now. That youâd deleted his number (you hadnât). That blocking him was just one tap away (it wasnât).
You answered anyway.
âHeyâŠâ His voice was soft, slurred at the edges. Drunk. Lonely. âYou awake?â
You hated how your heart still lurched at that toneâlike he needed you. Like you were the only one who could fix whatever was breaking inside him tonight.
âYeah,â you whispered, already sitting up in bed. âWhatâs wrong?â
âSarah⊠she was with him again. At the bonfire on the Cut. Everyone saw.â A bitter laugh. âShe looked right through me. Like I donât even exist.â
You closed your eyes. Pictured it: Sarah laughing with John B under string lights, hair in the wind, finally free of the golden cage Topper tried to keep her in. And Topper watching from the edge like a kicked dog.
âIâm sorry,â you said automatically. Muscle memory.
âDonât be. Itâs not your fault.â A pause. âCan I come over?â
You shouldâve said no.
Shouldâve said, You only call when she hurts you.
Shouldâve said, Iâm not your rebound anymore.
Instead you whispered, âDoorâs unlocked.â
He was there in fifteen minutesâhair messy, shirt untucked, smelling like bonfire smoke and expensive whiskey. The second the door closed he was on you: hands in your hair, mouth desperate, kissing you like he was drowning and you were oxygen.
You let him carry you to the couch because the bedroom felt too intimate now, too much like something real. He didnât bother with wordsâjust peeled your sleep shorts down, dropped to his knees between your thighs, and buried his face like worship.
He ate you out like a man starved. Slow licks turning frantic, fingers curling inside you until you were shaking, crying his name into your own palm so the neighbors wouldnât hear. When you came it was violent, back arching, thighs clamping around his head. He groaned against you like your pleasure was his salvation.
Then he flipped you over the arm of the couch, slid into you in one rough thrust, no condom because youâd both stopped pretending months ago. He fucked you hardâpunishing, possessive, whispering filth against your ear.
âYou feel so fucking good⊠always so tight for me⊠fuck, baby, you take it so wellâŠâ
You hated how your body responded. How you clenched around him every time he called you baby. How you arched back to meet every thrust even as tears slipped down your cheeks.
He came inside you with a choked groan, hips stuttering, forehead pressed to your shoulder. For a moment he just held you thereâstill buried deep, breathing ragged against your neck.
Then reality crept back in.
He pulled out slowly. You felt the warm slide of him leaking out and hated how familiar it was. He grabbed a throw blanket, draped it over your shoulders like that made it romantic instead of transactional.
You stayed bent over the couch arm, trying to catch your breath, trying not to cry again.
Topper kissed the back of your neck. âYouâre the best, you know that?â
The words were sweet. They always were right after.
You turned your head just enough to look at him. âThen why am I still the secret?â
His expression shuttered. âDonât start.â
âIâm not starting anything. Iâm asking.â Your voice cracked. âTwo weeks ago I told you to leave. You said youâd call tomorrow. You didnât. Until she rejected you again.â
He stepped back, running both hands through his hair. âItâs not like that.â
âThen what is it like, Topper?â You straightened, pulling the blanket tighter. âBecause from where Iâm standing, Iâm the girl you fuck when Sarah says no. Iâm the one who listens to you cry about her. Iâm the one who tells you youâre enough when she treats you like youâre nothing. And you still go back to her every single time.â
He looked away. Jaw tight. Guilty.
âI love her,â he said quietly. Like that explained everything.
The words landed like a fist to the sternum.
You laughedâshort, broken. âYeah. I know.â
Silence stretched.
He reached for you. âCome hereââ
âNo.â You stepped back. âDonât touch me.â
His hand dropped. âI donât want to hurt you.â
âBut you do.â Tears finally spilled over. âEvery time you leave here and go chase her, you hurt me. Every time you tell me Iâm amazing and then disappear for days, you hurt me. Every time you come inside me and then act like nothing happened the next day at the club, you hurt me.â
He looked miserable. âIâm trying to figure it out.â
âYouâve had months.â Your voice rose. âMonths of using me while you wait for her to change her mind. And I let you. Because Iâm in love with you. Stupid, pathetic, disgusting love. And you know it. You know it and you still do this.â
He flinched like youâd slapped him.
You wiped your face angrily. âGet out.â
âBabyââ
âStop calling me that.â You pointed at the door. âGet the fuck out of my house, Topper.â
For once, he didnât argue.
He grabbed his keys, paused at the door. âIâm sorry.â
âNo youâre not.â You met his eyes. âYouâre just sorry Iâm finally saying it out loud.â
He left without another word.
You locked the door behind him.
Sank to the floor.
And for the first time in months, you didnât cry.
You were too tired.
But the next morning your phone buzzed.
Topper đïž: Can we talk? I donât want to lose you.
You stared at the message for a long time.
Then you opened your contacts.
Pressed block.
It wasnât forever.
You knew yourself too wellâknew the next time Sarah broke his heart heâd find another way to reach you. A friendâs phone. A DM from a new account. Showing up at your house at 3 a.m.
But tonight?
Tonight you chose yourself.
Even if it only lasted until the next time he looked at you like you were the only thing keeping him from falling apart.
â-
Toppers pov ~
The golf cart hummed under us as we cruised down the empty fairway at the country club, sun dipping low, turning everything gold and hazy. Rafe was drivingâalways driving when he was wiredâcoke making his eyes too bright, his laugh too sharp. I sat shotgun, beer in hand, trying to shake off the hangover from last night. Or maybe the guilt. Same difference.
Kelce was in the back, half-asleep, but Rafe wasnât letting the quiet last.
âSo,â he drawled, glancing sideways at me like he already knew the answer. âYou still fucking that girl? The one with the hair Whatâs her name doesnât matter. The one whoâs been letting you smash since Sarah started slumming it with that pouge
I took a long pull from the beer. âYeah. Sometimes.â
âSometimes?â He snorted, swerving just to make Kelce jolt awake. âBro, youâve been âsometimesâ for months. Youâre whipped and youâre not even getting the title. Thatâs sad, man.â
âSheâs⊠good,â I muttered. Too good. Too available. Too in love with me when I couldnât give it back. Every time I left her place, I felt like shit. Every time I went back, I told myself it was just sex. Just blowing off steam.
Rafe killed the engine at the edge of the green, cart rocking to a stop. He twisted in his seat, elbows on the wheel, staring me down like I was one of his deals gone bad.
âAll Iâm saying isâŠâ He leaned in closer, voice dropping to that conspiratorial tone he used when he was about to drop something ugly. âTell the bitch you love her.â
I blinked. âWhat?â
âYou heard me.â He grinned, all teeth. âLook her dead in the eyes, say the wordsââI love you, baby.â Make it good. Cry if you have to. Girls eat that shit up. Then get a couple tapes outta her. Nudes. Videos. Whatever sheâll give when she thinks youâre finally hers. Lock that shit down. Then dip. Simple.â
Kelce chuckled from the back like it was the funniest thing heâd heard all week. âCold, bro. Cold.â
My stomach twisted. âThatâs fucked up, Rafe.â
âIs it?â He shrugged, pulling out his key bump like it was nothing. Snorted quick, wiped his nose. âSheâs been riding your dick for free while you pine over Sarah. She knows the score. You think she doesnât? Girls like thatâthey act all in love, but theyâre playing the same game. You just play it better.â
I stared at the manicured grass. Thought about her last night: tears on her cheeks while I was still inside her, whispering how much she loved me. How sheâd looked at me like I hung the moon. And Iâd said nothing. Just came and left.
âI donât know, man,â I said quietly. âSheâs⊠different.â
Rafe barked a laugh. âDifferent? Nah. Theyâre all the same. Sarahâs different too, right? Till sheâs not. Till sheâs sucking face with a Pogue on the beach while youâre jerking off to memories. Donât be a pussy, Top. You want her? Take what you can get. Milk it. Then cut it loose before she starts thinking she owns you.â
He clapped me on the shoulderâhard. âOr keep crying into your pillow every time Sarah posts a pic with that trailer trash. Your call.â
Kelce piped up. âHeâs got a point. Youâre letting her string you along. Flip the script.â
I didnât say anything. Just cracked another beer.
Later that night, my phone lit up. Her name. Hey. You okay? Havenât heard from you since⊠you know.
I stared at the screen. Thumb hovering.
Rafeâs voice echoed in my head: Tell the bitch you love her. Get the tapes. Dip.
I could do it. Text back some bullshit sweet nothing. Show up at her door with flowers or whatever. Say the words. Film her saying them back while she rode me. Save it for when she got too clingy. Blackmail material. Exit strategy.
Easy.
My thumb moved.
Yeah. Miss you. Can I come over? Need to talk.
Sent.
I tossed the phone on the bed like it burned me. Stomach churning.
Rafe was right about one thing: this was simple.
Simple and fucking rotten.
But I was already pulling on my shoes, heading for the Jeep.
Because Sarah wasnât answering my texts anymore.
And the quiet in my head was too loud without someone telling me I was enough.
Even if the someone was just a warm body I was about to ruin.
I showed up at her door with a bouquet of white rosesâher favorite, the ones sheâd mentioned once in passing after Iâd fucked her slow and sweet on her parentsâ balcony. Iâd stopped at the 24-hour florist on the way, told myself it was just part of the play. Rafeâs voice was still looping in my skull like a bad track on repeat: Tell the bitch you love her. Get the tapes. Dip.
She opened the door in those little silk sleep shorts and an oversized tee, hair messy from sleep, eyes wary but hopeful the second she saw the flowers.
âTopper?â Her voice cracked on my name. âWhat are youââ
âI couldnât stop thinking about what you said.â I stepped inside before she could slam the door, pressed the roses into her hands. âYouâre right. Iâve been an asshole. Iâve been using you. And I hate myself for it.â
Her eyes searched mine, big and dark and so fucking trusting it made my chest ache. âYou mean that?â
âYeah.â I cupped her face, thumb brushing her cheek. âI love you.â
The words came out easy. Too easy. Like Iâd rehearsed them in the Jeep on the drive over. Her breath hitched. Tears welled up instantly.
âYou⊠you love me?â she whispered, like she was afraid saying it louder would make it disappear.
I nodded, pulled her into my chest, kissed the top of her head. âIâve loved you for months. I was just too scared to admit it. Scared of what it meant. Scared of losing Sarah for good. But sheâs gone. Sheâs with him. And Iâm done pretending I want anyone else.â
She melted against me. Arms wrapping tight around my waist. Face buried in my shirt. I felt her shake with quiet sobsâhappy ones this time.
âI love you too,â she breathed. âGod, Topper, Iâve loved you for so long.â
I tilted her chin up, kissed her deep. Slow. The way she liked. The way that always made her forget everything else. She kissed me back like I was air and sheâd been drowning.
We didnât make it to the bedroom. Couch again. Clothes half-on, half-off. I laid her back, spread her thighs, ate her out until she was crying my name, fingers tangled in my hair, begging. When she came it was loud, body arching, thighs trembling around my face.
I climbed over her, slid inside raw like always. She wrapped her legs around me, nails in my back, whispering âI love youâ over and over like a prayer.
Thatâs when I reached for my phone on the coffee table. Propped it against a book on the shelf. Hit record. Angle perfectâher face in frame, mine mostly hidden. She didnât notice. Too lost in it. Too lost in me.
I fucked her harder then. Deeper. Told her how perfect she was. How no one else could ever make me feel this way. How I wanted her forever. Every lie sounded like truth when I said it while buried inside her.
She came again around me, clenching so tight I almost lost it. I pulled out at the last second, came on her stomach, watched it drip down her skin while she panted beneath me.
After, I wiped her clean with my shirt. Held her. Let her curl into my side while she traced circles on my chest.
âIâm yours,â she murmured, sleepy and sated. âOnly yours.â
I kissed her forehead. âI know, baby.â
She fell asleep like thatâtrusting, soft, finally happy..
âââ
I didnât block Topper.
I shouldâve. But I didnât.
Instead, I let the silence stretch. Days blurred into nights of scrolling through his storiesâhim at the club with Rafe and Kelce, shirtless on the boat, grinning like nothing had ever happened. No mention of me. No âgood morning, baby.â Just the ghost of his âI love youâ echoing in my empty bed.
I hated myself for checking.
Hated myself more for still wanting him to check on me.
The self-loathing started small: skipping meals, staring at my reflection until I couldnât recognize the girl looking back. Youâre pathetic. Letting him use you like a toy. Saying yes every time he crooked a finger. Then it grew teeth. No wonder he went back to Sarah. Youâre just the easy fuck. The one who spreads her legs and calls it love.
I stopped answering my friendsâ texts. Started going to parties alone. Figure Eight basements, yacht decks, whoever was throwing the biggest ragers. Iâd show up in something short and tight, hair down, makeup sharp enough to cut glass. Drink until the edges blurred. Let whoever was closest put their hands on me.
First it was some guy from the tennis teamâhandsome, forgettable. We ended up in a guest room at whoeverâs house it was. He was eager, clumsy. I faked it. Came home smelling like his cologne and someone elseâs regret.
It didnât fill the hole. Just made it wider.
Next was a senior from the rowing team. Rougher. I let him choke me a little, let him call me names Iâd never let Topper say. Told myself it was control. Told myself I was choosing this time.
Lies.
The self-loathing whispered louder: See? This is all youâre good for. A hole for them to use and forget.
Then Rafe happened.
It was at one of those coke-fueled ragers on the beachâbonfire, music blasting from someoneâs speaker, everyone too high or drunk to care. Iâd already had three drinks and a bump someone passed me. Numbness settling in like an old friend.
Rafe found me by the water. Shirt unbuttoned, chain glinting, eyes wild from whatever heâd taken. He smirked when he saw me.
âTrouble in paradise?â he asked, stepping close enough I could smell the whiskey on him. âHeard Topperâs been moping. You finally cut him loose?â
I laughedâbitter, hollow. âSomething like that.â
He tilted his head, studying me like I was a puzzle he wanted to break. âYou look like you need to forget.â
I did.
So when he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the dunes, I followed.
We didnât even make it to a car. Just the sand, hidden by tall grass and darkness. He pushed me down, rough but not cruel. Hands everywhereâunder my dress, in my hair, mouth on my neck biting hard enough to leave marks Iâd hide tomorrow.
âYouâre hot when youâre pissed,â he muttered against my skin. âBetter than that whiny shit Topper pulls.â
I didnât answer. Just arched into him, let him flip me onto my stomach, pull my hips up. He fucked me hard from behind, one hand fisted in my curls, the other gripping my waist. No condom. No talking. Just the slap of skin, his grunts, my muffled moans into the sand.
It hurt a little. I liked that.
When he came, he pulled out and finished on my back. Rolled off me without a word. Lit a cigarette. Offered me one.
I took it. Inhaled until my lungs burned.
âTopperâs an idiot,â Rafe said eventually, exhaling smoke toward the stars. âBut you? Youâre fun.â
I stared at the ocean. Felt nothing.
Fun.
Thatâs what I was now.
Not loved. Not even liked.
Just fun.
The self-loathing screamed: You just let Rafe CameronâTopperâs best friend, the guy who probably told him to fuck you overâuse you like trash on the beach. You came here. You spread your legs. Youâre disgusting.
I went home. Showered again. Scrubbed until my skin was raw.
Texted Topper that night for the first time in weeks: Miss you.
He didnât reply until morning.
Topper: Yeah? Come over later.
I went.
Let him fuck me in his bed while his parents were out. Let him say âI love youâ again like it meant something.
Cried in the shower after.
I was spiraling. Fucking anyone who looked at me twice. Chasing numbness. Proving to myself I was exactly what they all thought: easy. Disposable.
And the worst part?
I didnât know how to stop.
Because feeling nothing was better than feeling the truth:
I was the side piece.
The rebound.
The girl whoâd let herself be ruined.
And I was ruining myself even more to prove it.
â-
I stopped feeling things in color.
Everything turned gray-scale. Sounds muffled like I was underwater. My body moved, but I wasnât really in it anymore. Just watching from somewhere far away, like I was floating above my own shoulder, observing this girl who looked like me but wasnât.
They call it dissociation. I call it survival.
Mornings were the worst. Iâd wake up in my bedâalone now, mostlyâand stare at the ceiling until my phone buzzed. Topper. Rafe. Some random number from last weekend. Didnât matter who. Iâd answer. Go. Let them take what they wanted.
The sex didnât feel like sex anymore. It was mechanics. Skin sliding against skin. Breathing. Thrusting. Coming or not coming. My mouth made the right soundsâmoans, gasps, âyes, harderââbut inside it was quiet. Empty. Like someone else was puppeteering my limbs while I sat in the dark theater of my head and watched the performance.
Last nightâor was it the night before?âRafe again. His parentsâ guest house. Coke on the glass table. He snorted a line, offered me one. I did it because why not. Numbness on top of numbness. He bent me over the pool table, dress shoved up, no preamble. Fucked me while the balls clacked every time he slammed in. I stared at the green felt, counting the diamonds on the rail. One. Two. Three. Didnât feel the stretch, the burn, the slap of his hips. Just counted.
He finished inside meâdidnât ask, didnât care. Pulled out. Zipped up. Lit another cigarette.
âYouâre quiet tonight,â he said, exhaling smoke. âUsually youâre louder.â
I didnât answer. Just pulled my dress down, smoothed it like nothing happened. Walked out to the patio barefoot. Sat on the edge of the pool with my feet in the cold water. Stared at the ripples until they blurred.
My reflection looked back at me from the surfaceâdark eyes, full lips, curls starting to frizz from the humidity. Pretty, I guess. Useful. Disposable.
I didnât recognize her.
Topper texted the next afternoon. Come over. Parents gone.
I went.
He was already hard when I walked in. Pushed me against the wall in the foyer, hands under my skirt, mouth on my neck. I let him. Lifted one leg around his waist like muscle memory. He slid in rawâalways raw nowâand fucked me standing up, grunting into my ear about how tight I was, how much he missed this.
I stared over his shoulder at the framed family photo on the wall. Him, Sarah, their perfect smiles. My body rocked with every thrust, but my mind floated. Detached. Watching the girl get railed in someone elseâs hallway like it was a movie scene.
He came fast. Groaned my name like it meant something. Kissed me sloppy after, like we were lovers instead of whatever this was.
âYou okay?â he asked, pulling out, cum already dripping down my thigh.
âYeah,â I said. Voice flat. Automatic.
He didnât push. Just zipped up. Offered me a beer. I took it. Drank half without tasting it.
Later, in his bed, he tried to cuddle. Arm over my waist. Breath on my neck. I lay there stiff, eyes open, staring at the ceiling fan spinning slow circles. Counted the blades. One. Two. Three. Four.
He fell asleep. I didnât.
I slipped out around 3 a.m. Didnât wake him. Drove home with the windows down, cold air whipping my face. Didnât cry. Didnât feel anything to cry about.
Back in my bathroom, I stripped. Stepped under the shower again. Hot water. Cold water. Didnât matter. Stood there until my fingers pruned. Looked down at my bodyâbruises blooming on my hips from Rafeâs grip, bite marks on my breasts from Topper, faint handprints on my thighs from whoever was last week.
This is me now, I thought. A collection of marks. A body that gets used. A shell that says yes because no would require feeling something.
I dried off. Got into bed naked. Pulled the covers up. Stared at the dark.
No tears.
No anger.
Just quiet.
The girl in the mirror was gone.
What was left was this: a thing that fucked. That answered texts. That let boys like Topper and Rafe and strangers leave pieces of themselves inside her.
And somewhere deep down, buried under layers of gray fog, a tiny voice still whispered:
You deserve this.
You asked for this.
This is all youâll ever be.
I closed my eyes.
Didnât dream
ââ
A/n omg she sounds like such a ho I feel bad
It didnât happen all at once.
There was no big momentâno dramatic confrontation, no tearful breakdown in the rain, no âIâm doneâ speech to Topper or Rafe that made everything click.
Just⊠quiet.
One morning I woke up and didnât reach for my phone first thing. Didnât check if Topper had texted. Didnât scroll through stories hoping to see his face. I just lay there, staring at the ceiling, and realized the gray fog had thinned. Not gone. But thinner. Enough that I could breathe without counting fan blades.
I stopped going to the parties.
Stopped answering late-night texts from numbers I didnât save.
Stopped letting anyone touch me just to feel something.
The first week was hell. Withdrawal from the chaos. My body craved the distractionâthe hands, the alcohol, the temporary high of being wanted even if it was fake. I cried in the shower more nights than not. Not pretty crying. Ugly, choking sobs that left me curled on the tile floor. But I didnât text anyone to come over. I let myself feel the ache instead of drowning it.
I started small.
Went back to the beach alone at sunrise. Sat on the sand with my knees up, watching the waves instead of letting someone fuck me behind the dunes. The salt air started to feel clean again. Like it could wash away the sand stuck in my hair from nights I couldnât remember clearly.
Then I met JJ.
It wasnât dramatic. No sparks. No slow-motion eye contact across a crowded room.
I was at The Wreck one afternoonâKiaraâs family placeâbecause Iâd finally answered one of her texts after ghosting everyone for months. She didnât push. Just said, âCome eat. No questions.â So I went. Sat at the bar in the back corner, picking at fries, trying not to look like I was about to bolt.
JJ slid onto the stool next to me like he belonged there. Messy blond hair, cutoff tee, that easy grin that never quite reached âcocky.â He smelled like sunscreen and motor oil and the ocean.
âYouâre the girl who used to hang with Topperâs crew, right?â he asked, no judgment, just curious. âHavenât seen you around in a minute.â
I tensed. Waited for the jab. The âwhat happened?â or the smirk.
Instead he just stole one of my fries. âThese are better with hot sauce. Trust.â
I blinked. âUh⊠yeah. I guess.â
He flagged down the bartender, got a bottle of hot sauce, dumped some on a fry, ate it, then pushed the bottle toward me. âTry it. Life-changing.â
I did. It was good. Spicy enough to wake something up in my chest.
We didnât talk about Topper. Or Rafe. Or why Iâd disappeared. He just talkedâabout surf spots, about how Pope almost blew up their boat last week fixing the engine, about how John B was currently obsessed with some new theory about the Royal Merchant. He made me laugh. Not fake laugh. Real, surprised, rusty-from-disuse laugh.
After that, it became a thing.
Not dating. Not even close. Just⊠hanging out.
With the Pogues.
Kiara dragged me to movie nights at the Chateau. JJ taught me how to skimboard (badlyâI ate sand more than I rode waves). Pope quizzed me on random trivia like we were on a game show. John B let me crash on the porch hammock when I didnât want to go home to the empty Figure Eight silence.
No one asked for anything.
No hands wandering too far. No âyou owe meâ vibes. No pressure to perform or pretend.
JJ especially.
Heâd flirtâlight, teasing, the way he flirted with everyoneâbut never crossed the line. Never made me feel like my body was the only reason I was there. Sometimes weâd sit on the dock at dusk, legs dangling over the water, passing a joint back and forth in comfortable quiet. Heâd bump my shoulder with his. âYou good?â
And for the first time in forever, I could answer honestly.
âYeah. Getting there.â
One night we were all at the beach bonfire. Low-key. Just the five of us, a cooler, a fire that crackled instead of roared. JJ sat next to me on the driftwood log, close enough our thighs touched but not in a demanding way. He handed me a beer, clinked his against mine.
âYouâre smiling more,â he said quietly, so only I could hear.
I looked at himâreally looked. Sun-bleached hair, freckles across his nose, that crooked grin that made him look younger than he was. No agenda behind his eyes. Just⊠JJ.
âYeah,â I said softly. âI think I am.â
He didnât push. Didnât lean in for a kiss. Didnât make it about him. Just nodded like it was the most normal thing in the world.
And maybe it was starting to feel that way.
No more boys who took pieces of me and left holes.
No more chasing numbness.
Just this: friends. Laughter. Salt air. A slow, careful unfreezing.
I still had bad nights. Still woke up sometimes with Topperâs voice in my head, or Rafeâs hands ghosting over my skin in nightmares. But the gray was fading. Color creeping back inâocean blue, bonfire orange, the gold of JJâs hair when the sun hit it just right.
I wasnât fixed.
But I was healing.
And for the first time in a long time,
I didnât hate the girl looking back at me in the mirror.
She was starting to look like someone worth keeping around.
ââ
I did not like this itâs been sitting in drafts so Iâm cleaning out the drafts
The first time Rafe said âI love youâ it was in the backseat of his truck, windows fogged up, your bra hanging off one shoulder and his hand still shoved down your leggings.
You believed him.
Of course you did.
He said it right against your mouth like a prayer, like something heâd been holding in for months. His voice cracked just enough, pupils blown wide, sweat sticking his hair to his forehead. You were stupid enoughâyoung enoughâhigh enough on the way he looked at you to think it was real.
He said it again the next time. And the time after that. Always right when your thighs were trembling around his waist, always right when you were too far gone to question it.
âI love you, baby.â
âFuckâI love you so much.â
âYou know I love you, right? You know that?â
You did. You really, really did.
Which is why it hurt so bad when heâd disappear for three weeks straight.
No texts. No calls. No âmy badâ when he finally reappeared at some kook party smelling like expensive tequila and someone elseâs perfume. Heâd just slide up behind you like nothing happened, chin on your shoulder, murmuring low in that voice that still made your stomach flip even though you hated him for it.
âYou missed me?â heâd ask, smirking like he already knew the answer.
You wanted to slap him. You wanted to cry. You wanted to kiss him until he forgot every other girlâs name.
Instead you let him take you to the guest room upstairs. Again.
Because when he touched you it felt like the only time he ever told the truth.
Until the night he finally said it out loudâthe thing youâd been terrified was true the whole time.
You were in his room for once. Rare. His dad was gone, Sarah was at John Bâs, the house was quiet except for the low hum of the AC and the sound of your own heartbeat trying to escape your chest.
Youâd asked himâquiet, voice barely thereâwhy he kept doing this. Why he kept saying it if he didnât mean it.
Rafe laughed once, short and mean, sitting on the edge of the bed pulling his shirt back on like the conversation was already over.
âCâmon, donât do that,â he muttered, not even looking at you. âYou know how this works.â
âI donât,â you whispered. âExplain it to me.â
He sighed. Rubbed the back of his neck. Looked at the wall instead of your face.
âI say what I gotta say to get what I want. You let me in because you think it means something.â He finally glanced over, eyes cold in a way that made your stomach drop. âAnd it works. Every fucking time.â
Your throat closed.
âSo⊠you donât love me.â
He shrugged. Actually shrugged.
âI mean⊠I like you. Youâreââ he gestured vaguely at your body, at the sheets tangled around your legs, ââyouâre good. Really good. But love?â Another small, cruel laugh. âNah. Thatâs not what this is.â
You stared at him.
He stared back, waiting for you to cry or yell or storm out like the other girls usually did.
You didnât.
You just nodded once. Slow. Like you were finally hearing something youâd known for months but refused to accept.
âOkay.â
His brows twitched. That wasnât the reaction he expected.
âOkay?â he echoed, almost confused.
âYeah.â You slid off the bed, grabbing your dress from the floor. âOkay.â
You pulled it over your head, smoothed it down with shaking hands. Didnât look at him while you slipped your sandals on.
âWhere you going?â he asked, voice tighter now.
âHome.â
âBabyââ
âDonât.â You finally met his eyes. âDonât call me that. You lost the right to call me anything soft when you decided I was just a warm place to put your dick.â
He flinched. Actually flinched.
You kept going because if you stopped now youâd break.
âYou knew I loved you. You knew and you used it. Every time you ghosted me, every time you left me on read for days, every time I cried myself to sleep wondering what I did wrongâyou knew. And you still came back whenever you were horny or bored or lonely.â
He opened his mouth. Nothing came out.
You walked to the door.
âIâm done letting you lie to me just so you can fuck me.â
âYo, waitââ He stood up fast. âItâs not like that. Iââ
âIt is like that.â Your voice cracked for the first time. âAnd the worst part? I still want to believe you. Even now. Thatâs how fucked up you made me.â
You opened the door.
He didnât follow.
You made it all the way to the staircase before the first sob ripped out of you.
You didnât text him when you got home.
You didnât answer when he texted you three days later.
âyou good?â
âcmon talk to meâ
âi miss you frâ
âbaby pleaseâ
You deleted every single one.
Because for onceâfor the first timeâyou believed something he said without him having to say it.
He missed you.
But only when he couldnât have you.
And that was never going to be enough again.