My Little Pieces

aku dah biasa ditinggalkan sendiri. aku dah biasa. bila org tnya, eh kau pegi dengan siapa, kau buat dengan siapa . aku jawab. sendiri. sorang. laa kesian depa kata. tapi aku x rasa benda tu kesian. aku rasa lagi kesian kalau aku kena harap org utk buat benda2 aku sendiri.

cuma satu je aku ralat. aku dah biasa sendiri. bila org paksa aku terima “pertolongan” depa and aku decline, org kecik hati. Bila depa tinggal aku sendiri, which aku end up buat benda2 ni semua sendiri, aku x kecik hati pun.

I’m actually don’t know what am i feeling lately. It’s weird and i don’t like it and i feel like something is wrong with me. and i’m also confused that maybe because it’s due to my end-of-the-month time thingy. 

Honestly, i feel like maybe i need to go for a vacation. Just to relax, watch the scenery, get engaged with the nature you know to ease my mind and completely stop thinking about anything. Just enjoy life and be happy. But i want to be able to do that with someone. At the moment i dont have anyone else to do that with me. 

Just yesterday, i want to get a really really nice dinner. i mean like a proper dinner , a meal. not fast food or anything. but thinking that i have to go to the mall, search for a parking spot, walking here and there, all that troubles just to have a meal alone. sitting there looking at your phone, eating alone no one to talks to. doesn’t seems to worth it. and not enjoyable too. 

Having that being said, does that means that i feel lonely? and i realized too that i’m not keen on making new friends. i feel like, they’ll eventually leave. we all have our own life, and i’m okay for them to be living their life. no issue on that, i just feel to one extend it’s become pointless to make new friends coz they eventually leave you, you know what i mean? For example, i have two new staff in my office. the old me would have make friends with them..then ya we’ll be friends, and going out for movies and such. but now i’m like, let’s just strict to work basis and talk nothing more. I don’t feel like wanting to know them better too. it’s so weird.

I’m 28, but i feel like i’m a boring 40 year old woman with no friends (or cat, which is worst than a cat lady!)  

I’m the luckiest girl ever to have someone who love me for who i am with all my flaws and imperfections. 

we are reaching to our third year anniversary and not a day pass by without him making me feel loved despite our distance and limited time together. 

sometimes i feel like he gave me so much love how could i ever top that..is my love for him is enough? 

he said he love everything about me and i was like that’s impossible, i have so much flaws there must be something that he dont like about. it could be anything i’m not aware of , and one day he might leave me because of that. 

sometimes, i also try to find things about me that he might not like which ultimately will be the “deal breaker”. i know it’s a little bit crazy to think about it when there he is loving me with all his hearts. Maybe i love him too much than i thought, even the slightest things makes me think twice of whether that’s will be the end of our relationship together. Whether he’s keep secrets from me that he don’t want to tell me yet?( i hope not, i hate secret, esp dark secrets)

I know he love me, i really do know that. but it’s me. and my paranoia. he might get annoyed of me asking him if he gonna break up with me because of this or that or this or that. blerrghh i’m losing my mind. maybe i think too much. 

Besides all these crazy thoughts, i am so happy that we are almost a three years together, and wish the best for both of us. I really want to see him happy with his life and enjoy his life and his potential and to pursue his art career. Aamiin to that. InsyaAllah.