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I had a traumatic sexual abuse incident as a child. I personally don’t remember as I have subconsciously blocked it out. However, I have had flashbacks, and it’s not something I want to experience again. So I have decided that I don’t want to have a romantic relationship with anyone man or woman.

I have had people express interest. I don’t always notice when someone is interested or flirting. I have had instances where I was trying to be friends with someone and they thought I was interested in them in that way. It didn’t end well mainly because I didn’t know how to explain I wasn’t interested in that without hurting their feelings.

Another person I told why I wasn’t interested, and then he proceeded to try to convince me how gentle he would be. And expressed that he was with other women who supposedly went through something similar and how happy they were with the experience. He would not let it go and so I finally expressed that I wasn’t interested at all in him personally. He took it pretty hard, but I didn’t know what else to do I wasn’t interested in him or anyone.

Most recently, I realized someone at my work is interested. I think I hurt his feelings because I didn’t remember his name. (it takes me a while to learn names) Then our coworkers got involved. First, my supervisor asked if I was single, I told her I wasn’t interested in relationships though I didn’t tell her why just that it was too complicated. Then the manager of the home department made a comment about how nice of a guy he is. I know they care about him and are being protective. I don’t know what to do but just be nice to him and try to be friends I guess.

I watched or read a clip about a famous actress in the 90s. She was beautiful it was a very short clip where she was explaining why she became fat. It heavily implied how hard it is to be pretty and that she was abused or raped. I read that and saw safety in being bigger. I am 5ft tall and 219 pounds and yet I still get hit on. Being big is starting to affect my health and yet I know if I lost weight it would get worse.

I shouldn’t have to justify not wanting a relationship, to another person, their friends or family or society in general. I’m sure there are people who went through something similar and are in loving happy relationships because they chose to move past it. Maybe I should get into therapy and move past this, but that should be my decision and I shouldn’t have to feel pressured.