𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

It starts as sparring, which Elysia has said is the wrong word for whatever it is that Kujira and Niya do, which is to say that it's less about either of them getting better and more about both of them getting hurt. The last time they did it, Kujira just about shattered Niya's arm, and Niya had laughed like it was funny. It starts as sparring, and ends with Niya on top of Kujira, pinning her, staring down at her with cheeks flushed and chest heaving from exertion, eyes huge and hungry, grinning, challenging, mean.

"You lose, Jira," Niya says, a lying sing - song, but the sharpness is softened by the glee, by an almost childish excitement, as if they'd shed years and traumas just by virtue of proximity. Kujira groans and tries to move, and Niya pushes them back down, movement not - quite - sparring anymore.

( a thought / not a kindness, exactly, but a thought / kujira under other people. niya isn't usually jealous. it's fun, to feel something serrated and new. but the not - kindness isn't about that, it's about the fact that kujira is —— )

Niya watches her, posture shifting, breath shifting. Hah.

( kujira is letting them. )

Kujira tries to sit up again, and this time when Niya pushes her back down, they follow, close, close, slow, maybe to tease, maybe so she can stop them if she wants —— until their lips press to hers. To see if Kujira will keep letting them. To see how their lips feel. To erase the bad times. To tease and mock. Because they've wanted to kiss her for a long time.

Kujira is so interesting. Kujira is so strong and so pretty. Usually, being around someone so strong and pretty would make Aika want to rip her skull off her spine ( which her? ), but Aika doesn't. Aika loves Kujira, and it's not even hard. That's part of why she's so interesting. So easy to love, even by gross gross broken things like Aika.

I cannot afford to love. What an interesting thing to say.

It's not like there's any other reason for a girl to be alive, except to love and be loved. It's like saying I can't afford to breathe or get fucked.

( ki's voice, careful : ai - chan. you don't believe that.

and she's right, she is. on the good days she knows it's not fair to think or say. it's not a very good day. aika is not a very good girl, even though she breathes and gets fucked so much. )

Kujira is so interesting, and being a little liar, aren't they? Kujira and Aika are warped mirrors, except Kujira only thinks they don't —— don't what? Aika feels sleepy and staticky, and the thought gets lost for a moment. Her head tilts, long hair — fake, the Glamour — smoothing over her bony — fake, the Glamour — shoulders. Kujira is so pretty. It normally makes Aika jealous to be around beautiful girls, because they fit in the mold that makes you lovable. Aika has to starve herself to squeeze in, and it doesn't even work. But she isn't jealous of Kujira, at least not the kind of jealous that makes her want to kill others / herself.

( ki's voice : you're dissociating, ai. )

Aika nods to the voice in their skull, assenting — then realizes it might seem like she's agreeing with the voice outside their skull and shakes their head rapidly. Kujira is so lovey - dovey. Kujira loves and is so loved, including by their shared beau — another thing that would make Aika rip anyone else's guts out but that doesn't bother her at all with Kujira — and is so loving, including towards their shared beau. Oh! Maybe this is Kujira letting Aika down easy? Maybe Kujira means they cannot love Aika? That would make sense. There's no reason for anybody to like Aika.

( maybe aika can let kujira fuck her? tartaglia might be mad, but then maybe kujira can love her? use and love are so close, and kujira is so —— ki's voice, hard : stop.

aika's thoughts, assenting, obediant, a good girl : okay. sorry. )

"You're being silly," Aika almost giggles, smiling something dreamy and empty and easy, she's not sure how to —— maybe it isn't about Aika at all, which feels right, too. Maybe Kujira means it literally, spending love she doesn't have. But Kujira has so much love. Kujira is so loved. Does she just need things like Aika and Tartaglia to give her more? They both would, Aika knows. "You love lots, Jira. And you're loved a lot, too."

Kujira and Aika are warped mirrors, except Kujira only thinks they don't deserve love, and Aika knows she doesn't. Aika understands. But even hazy like this, even carved out, even barely - breathing, Aika doesn't want Kujira to think ——

"Looking at you feels all...soft and warm and lovey - dovey. Like having a warm blanket over your head. That's love!"

Name:

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Personal Head canon:

❛ ... you're not supposed to be here. don't tell me they asked you to talk to me on their behalf? that's low, even for them. ❜

relief, anger, confusion, love—— what a disorienting mix of emotions.

i think i love you.

do you see me now?

it’s been a hard time.

i tried to not want you.

i dream when i’m awake.

i’ve got no choice.

there was time before we met.

one more night of overtime.

i’ve got bills to pay,  and i’ve got mouths to feed.

i’m so moody.

you caught me by surprise with this helpless feeling.

everybody wants you.

i cannot afford to love.

i can’t get my mind off loving you.

i’m in love with everything you do.

help me,  please,  from falling faster.

there’s no stopping this disaster.

won’t you say you love me too?

what’s the deal?

it’s a very short life with no appeal.

you drive me crazy all the time.

get out of my head.

it’s such a cruel power.

i’m gonna break one of these days.

it’s a little messed up.

you’re stuck on my mind,  sweet like honey.

do you want my love?

come and break my heart into a million pieces.

get out of my house.

we’ve been talking for hours.

why is every little move romantic?

you’re holding on ‘til the bitter end.

you’re all i think about at night.

i want your hands here,  on my hips.

i want to live forever in your kiss.

no one can help me through this mess.

i wish that i could just forget.

i get so love drunk on myself,  why should i want somebody else?

i want to peel off all my skin.

escape this hell you put me in.

you don’t love me cause you don’t need me,  and that’s alright.

god is just a witness to my misery relapse.

i’ll just be lonely 'til i die.

maybe one day you’ll be impressed.

when i met you,  i was just a boy and not a man.

all my life,  i thought i’d be the same.

i’m bound to break tradition.

baby,  i’m a piece of shit.

i got what i deserve.

i don’t want to be your enemy.

when i burned it down,  i didn’t mean to take you too.

your clothes fit me better.

i’m gonna miss you.

tell me you want to just stay here with me.

i could stare at you for hours.

wait until i’m old and gray.

it feels so wonderful to dream at all.

we’ll make it up as we go along.

will you treat me the same?

you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.

just imagine all the joy in this world without a little pain.

how did we get so dull?

how did we get so drunk and high again?

how did we get so old?

i’m stuck here,  dreaming of your hands around my neck.

i want you to break my heart.

have i lost myself again?

go back to the start.

go back to the space you grew in my heart.

i feel the karma coming.

i still think i love you.

i’m so lost without you.

i can barely breathe.

can we even make this better?

as a hopeless romantic,  i’m bracing for the fall.

you’re every thought i’m having.

can you disappear?

maybe we could lose ourselves and run away.

is this an illness or a romance?

we could talk about the weather.

i had my whole life together,  then you tore it into parts.

no going back to the way it always was.

i feel the black hole reaching for me.

will [ … ] come back?

hell,  i don’t know.

you’re so violent.

why do you hide?

show me you’re human.

it’s been a while since i’ve seen you prove it.

i do not know you anymore.

all i want is to hear you again.

i miss the heat.

you’re mad at me.

space.   that’s all we need.

you were wrong about me.

it was wrong of me to promise.

it was wrong of me to waste.

i wasn’t brave.

i could always play it back.

i want to be with you again.

i want to tell you everything.

there's a child, and it's screaming.

can you show [ … ] to the door?

you get what you paid for.

i swear i could dream that you were the one.

i want to say how sorry i am.

i’m a coward.

i am useless.

i tried,  but i can’t make it out.