Safe & Sound

i hope you just didn’t think through it

you took all that i had

and i can never get it back

with my friends

for lunch

the talk of calories

for what i thought

would save girls like me

there is nothing left to save me from

it’s more painful holding on

is hope meant to leave me crying?

i was genuinely asked this. quite a few times.

what are you supposed to reply with?

oh yeah, i did choose it ‘cause i didn’t eat?

or because i may have hurt someone in the process?

or i’m just so used to feeling guilty with a full stomach, so that’s how it is?

i don’t know

i can’t explain the overwhelming guilt i felt after a feed.. the feeling that i could’ve fought harder or i should’ve eaten in the dining room because i would feel less sick, or maybe, i felt that despite it not being my choice, people would see it as my decision.

my decision not to eat.

my decision to be restrained.

my decision to lash out.

but it wasn’t.

every day on kennet i would go to bed and promise myself tomorrow would be the day. i would wake up and go to the dining room at snack (i skipped breakfast) and i promised myself i would ask for a cup of ensure, but receiving that bottle unopened on the table whilst everyone else had theirs measured out in a cup.. i couldn’t bring myself to do it. to tell them that i would like mine measured. that i would like to drink it, however with the assumption being i would not, i struggled. i struggled to pick up that cup, request the ensure to be measured out with the syringe, drink it.. all whilst a support worker writes down my every move.

every row is just multiple single stitches.