PTV - Hold On Til May

PUGS ANATOMY

Somebody loves you if they pick an eyelash off of your face or wet a napkin and apply it to your dirty skin. You didn’t ask for these things, but this person went ahead and did it anyway. They don’t want to see you looking like a fool with eyelashes and crumbs on your face. They notice these things. They really look at you and are the first to notice if something is amiss with your beautiful visage! Somebody loves you if they assume the role of caretaker when you’re sick. Unsure if someone really gives a shit about you? Fake a case of food poisoning and text them being like, “Oh, my God, so sick. Need water.” Depending on their response, you’ll know whether or not they REALLY love you. “That’s terrible. Feel better!” earns you a stay in friendship jail; “Do you need anything? I can come over and bring you get well remedies!” gets you a cozy friendship suite. It’s easy to care about someone when they don’t need you. It’s easy to love them when they’re healthy and don’t ask you for anything beyond change for the parking meter. Being sick is different. Being sick means asking someone to hold your hair back when you vomit. Either love me with vomit in my hair or don’t love me at all. Somebody loves you if they call you out on your bullshit. They’re not passive, they don’t just let you get away with murder. They know you well enough and care about you enough to ask you to chill out, to bust your balls, to tell you to stop. They aren’t passive observers in your life, they are in the trenches. They have an opinion about your decisions and the things you say and do. They want to be a part of it; they want to be a part of you. Somebody loves you if they don’t mind the quiet. They don’t mind running errands with you or cleaning your apartment while blasting some annoying music. There’s no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don’t feel comfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won’t be a void. That’s not love. That’s “Hey, babe! I like you okay. Do you wanna grab lunch? I think we have enough to talk about to fill two hours!“ It’s a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you’re skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it’s always comfortable. That is fucking love. Somebody loves you if they want you to be happy, even if that involves something that doesn’t benefit them. They realize the things you need to do in order to be content and come to terms with the fact that it might not include them. Never underestimate the gift of understanding. When there are so many people who are selfish and equate relationships as something that only must make them happy, having someone around who can take their needs out of any given situation if they need to. Somebody loves you if they can order you food without having to be told what you want. Somebody loves you if they rub your back at any given moment. Somebody loves you if they give you oral sex without expecting anything back. Somebody loves you if they don’t care about your job or how much money you make. It’s a relationship where no one is selling something to the other. No one is the prostitute. Somebody loves you if they’ll watch a movie starring Kate Hudson because you really really want to see it. Somebody loves you if they’re able to create their own separate world with you, away from the internet and your job and family and friends. Just you and them. Somebody will always love you. If you don’t think this is true, then you’re not paying close enough attention.”

me to myself: 

Fuck this. Fuck this post so much 
Do not tell me
your best friend
would not sit at your lunch table 
for three fucking days 
just staring blankly at your old seat 
wishing that you were there 
to fill the space with laughter.

Do not tell me 
your younger brother
would not break down 
in the middle of class 
because you guys started talking about 
your favorite type of subject 
in school.

Do not tell me 
your mother 
would not stare into the mirror
with trembling lips 
wishing she could be 
bringing you home from the hospital 
rather than having to escort you away 
in a casket to the nearest graveyard.

Do not tell me 
your father 
would not begin working 
the night shifts 
to distract himself 
of the silence at home 
because you’re not up 
until the ungodly hours of the night 
talking to what’s-his/her-face 
on the phone 
because you guys are so in love.

Do not tell me 
your boyfriend/girlfriend 
would not go into your room 
and put on the last hoodie you wore
trying to desperately imprint 
your scent onto their skin 
so they never forget your smell.

Do not tell me 
your friends
would not stare blankly
at the gymnasium wall 
after the principal has announced 
your death 
to the entire school 
making no sound 
trying to convince themselves 
this is just another one 
of your impractical jokes.

There are negative notes….

WHY ARE THERE NEGATIVE NOTES?