[side blog]

im going fucking insane

cannot wait until my teenage eating disorder years make a comeback in my late 20s!

this will be the first night we've gone to bed intentionally w/o saying i love you / goodnight and im so angry that he's doing this to me

HE RUINS EVERYTHING I CANT WAIT TO DIE SO HE'LL MISS ME AND REGRET BEING SO FUCKING AWFUL

its not fair

i went through his phone after we fought and he had searched "how to support spouse with cptsd" yesterday and read so many articles. he's trying. im just too much. i just can't do this right. i can't be loved.

I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT THIS TIME! i was clear and concise and i told him exactly what I need and how I feel and he stood there and ignored me! Didn't even see or hear that i was crying the entire time i spoke! then he ended it all with a mean comment and pushed me until I fought! i fucking hate my life and myself and my marriage but never will I hate my husband

after like 8 or so years, im now 0 days free of cutting lol

my husband's abandoning me and ignoring me and I'm so sad and angry and furious and i hate how much I need him

when it comes down to it, i think its always just been me and my cat. no one else. just us.

im starting to feel like THAT again besties!

i want to be in a hospital bed with everyone by my side telling me they're so sorry and they'll never hurt me again. i want to see them so scared of losing me.

entire rooms are filled with my feelings but im the only one seeing it :(

i feel like my brain and my heart are constantly battling and i just want to stop fighting! there's no winning. both sides are losing and im not myself, but somehow im EXACTLY myself at the same time.

im still just self diagnosed bpd since I can't get acknowledged by my therapist but honestly the way I wanna kms or get really hurt to see other people finally care kinda solidifies it in my mind