truth untold

My eyes fluttered open as the rays of sunlight hits my face. I smiled as the realization hits me that I succeeded on waking up early just like the way I planned yesterday. I gently brushed the strands of hair that fell out of my face, huffing along in the process. It was a wonderful day, the vibe alone makes me giddy and gives me a peace of mind.

Staring at the blank ceiling as I lay awake in my bed, slurring words and mixed emotion huddled inside my head and my chest. It's 2am, and it seems like my body wants to rest but my mind wouldn't let me do so. It's dark in there. Full of unpleasant and morbid thoughts. I'm trying to stop the chain, stopping and forcing myself to quit digging deeper because any moment by now if this chaos inside my mind didn't stop, the eternal void of darkness will eat me alive. But before I lose my grip, a picture frame suddenly caught my eyes. It was a photograph of a family, smiling from ear to ear, grinning with one another. Pure happiness and bliss of hope evident in their eyes. Even if the picture seems to fade away, as time passes by, pure and raw emotions were shown and portrayed perfectly. As I stared into it longer, a sudden jolt of unknown force pulled me back to reality.

It feels like a brick had hit my head, hard. It knocks some sense in my head; my head that's full of loneliness that doesn't seem to suffice. They're still here. My family. Still standing tall with me and giving me all their support. I locked them out, I didn't mean to but I did and it makes my heart clench in regret.

I didn’t want any of these to happen. It was unintentional and I was unaware. I’m selfish, all that I seem to think about was myself. How would I cope, how sad I am, how lonely this world was making me feel, how bad it was for me, how the bad things seem to happen so often and all the grief that I was holding in inside. I don’t know, maybe the pain numbed me and made me oblivious to their presence. I felt a tear gushed down to my cheeks. I love my family and even if it’s a little too late for the realization that I failed them, I would try my best to make it up to them. Sleep doesn’t seem to possess me, for every time I close my eyes the shrill of regret instantly shots up and runs up and down to my spine. I am a failure, and I made myself this way. They are deeply affected and I don’t seem to care. But I do and it just makes me wonder how many times they try to reach out for me and save me from this mess that I’ve made and how many times I walked away and turned my back on them, thinking that it would be so much better if they’re unaware of my burdens, so they would never suffer too and they would never have to go through this. I made this and I know that I have to do this all on my own. I hugged the blanket close to my chest, feeling the cold wind brush against my skin. The tears spilled out of my eyes, emptying the ocean of emotions that filled my chest. I was a hopeless case of misery. Drowning in my own suffocating thoughts of the truth that I was never and will never be enough. I am torn between trying and not to bother making a move at all. I am a pool of jumbled and unfamiliar words that only brings people confusion whenever I caught their curious eyes. Maybe if I didn’t stay up this late, I wouldn’t come to the conclusion that I’m only making it hard for everyone to be okay if I was self-destructive. That I still have them, I still have people who understands me despite of all the things I’ve done. They’re still there to guide me on my way out of this dark cave that I created.  With heavy eyes, I let out a long sigh falling into a deep slumber. Of all the nights that I’ve felt dead, this one is my awakening. It was never too late.

October 12, 2016

Day 2

No distraction, just pure thoughts.

3:07 pm. I’d always check the time since it never pause. It goes on. Though I would love to spend the time with my poetic thoughts, I was still on the brink of reality. And that leaves my thoughts on the verge too of hanging. At first thought, I was all occupied by my thoughts. On second thought, all gone. No traces. Again, I laughed. And it was not humorous again. It was dumb enough to think that my mind was playing its own trick by its own user again. Life is testing my patience indeed.

For now, I took a moment without thinking about the time, and just let myself to write my heart out. I tried to recall the scenario just a while ago, when I was building up another set of thoughts in my mind. It sprouted like a bud and bloomed like a flower, waiting for it to be plucked from its frail stem. Wow, science now really? But as soon as I faced myself in front of the computer, and my stiff fingers started to reach out for the keys, ah, it was pure fantasy. I tried to type something, but nothing came out of my mind. It was pure void. I was amazed by how instant all was gone.

I always wrote in this annoying, poetic kind of, own way of interpretation when it comes to writing, with my own sense of words and accent, but I always thought it was useless since I never really got to let out what’s really on my mind. I really want to let it out myself, but it was my mind that’s stopping me. Seriously, what’s wrong? It seemed like it keeps on holding back with no reason.

Now I just thought that besides from studying the human behavior, I simply wanted to become a freelance writer. It’s not just the potential itself, but it’s what keeps me going on every day.

I sighed. Was I pushing myself a bit too hard? I never tried harder all my life. I just don’t know when to try hard, or when to not. And if I was even trying. Up until now I still don’t know how to take control of my mind properly. If I can just handle myself well.

There were a lot of thoughts convincing myself, but nothing even got the urge to affect my actions.

Slowly, my head’s being blank from thoughts again. I hated that.

And bit by bit, I was trying to determine and look for answers, by writing my heart out.

I slapped my hand against my cheeks, which were rested on the old book I've read before I fell into another slumber, my head snapping out of my laziness cred. It was 8:27 in the morning. And for God's sake, sun rises up above me, brightening up my face in realization. I was in my bed. It was Monday. I didn't went to school again.

And here I thought I'd do something, a lot rather, productive things. Second thought, wrong again. I laughed at myself, there was no humor. Clearly, because my life isn't supposed to be a joke I just had to play with. I didn't live all by myself. It lingered in my thoughts. Everything I do, has an effect to someone. Someone close, someone important.

What have I been doing with this 'petty, silly life' that I have grown by my stead? There were no one to blame, except me. And I take full responsibility. Straight, but it was plain cockiness. A pretentious lie.

She scoffed. Just all words and thoughts. What could that possibly do? We all have those thoughts. It was the action that counts.

She sat randomly at the middle of her queen size bed maybe, I don’t know. Her flexible, stick thin legs crossed and formed into an Indian sit. She faced her back behind the sun rays, blocking it so she could be on her dim side. It was kind of relieving, since her thinness cause her to easily felt cold, now and always. And a touch of something slightly warm will just do the trick. She would always cover herself with a large pillow, and two thick and furry blankets randomly thrashed around her body.

She checked the time again. 9:10. Just before, she woke up at around 4:45 early in the morning, and swears time didn't tick fast as she managed to do some things without worrying at the time. But now, she worried at the time as much as she should have gotten worried on things that need to be get done. She just don't want to come down yet. She wanted them to leave first. Then do her thing, simple as that. But kami… It was a waste of time. And mood. Fuck it.

February 4, 2017

Present

Life? For someone like me? I don’t really know, but I want to know, and I need to know, because lately something just hit me. I just realized, that life isn’t just about simply living to survive. Life is living, with a reason, with a purpose, with a meaningful purpose, with a reasonable reason. Sounds odd right? Yes, it may sound dumb and conceding, but if that’s what it takes for me to ‘fully’ realize and take responsibility of my actions, it would be much a pleasure to take. Finally, that something gives me a reason to write this.

Someone like me, huh. Why? What am I? How did my own perspective and my way of life differs from you? Is it good? Is it bad? I want to know. That’s why I am writing this, struggling for the right terms, trying to make it shallow as possible, trying to make you understand me. So, are you someone like me? We’ll find out.

Yes, we all differ from one another. But sometimes I just wonder, am I the only one feeling this and that? Am I the only one who thinks like this and that? Am I the only one facing this and that? I’m searching for answers. Do you search for them as well?

Actually, this is supposed to be an autobiography, a story. But why am I asking questions? Well, I guess that is what defines me. So it still counts, right? Somehow.

I am so full of questions in life. I fear a lot, I think a lot, I fear too much, I think too much. Which turned me into this, depressed and paranoid, which is not a good thing, and I am telling you, it is hard to fight it. It is not-so-comfortable to have negative vibes like this, because I don’t want you having this same vibe as me. I’m trying. So please keep having a positive sight about it. I am not a fully gloomy person, I still have my humorous, blissful and hilarious side you know, so hold on. Life is too complicated, but life also is too beautiful. It just depends on us in which mindset we’ll take. So spread positivity and live blissfully.

This isn’t actually a diary, and this isn’t actually the Diary of a Wimpy Kid book and movie that you know. Yes I have heard of it as well, but honestly, I do not know its content, or what is it about. But I used it as a title because it just went through my mind and I think it fits. This kind of sums up my life, like a diary, and wimp from the word wimpy, describes me as a weak person who lacks confidence, courage, etc.

Enough with the author’s side story. Let’s move on. Start I mean.

In more than 16 years ago, long before I was born, it is said that we do not have yet our own home. They stayed at my lola or Ina’s (that’s what they call her) house in Pangil, Laguna, where my father lived. My eldest brother studied only kindergarten there, and after that they transferred here in Batangas, and stayed at lola Emma’s house where my mom lived. They stayed here for good until finally, we got our own house by my father’s earn in working hard in Saudi Arabia. In Laguna we got our own jeepney and my father used to be a jeepney driver there. My father worked as an engineer. My mom is also an engineer but as a mother’s duty to take good care of my siblings and watch them as they grow up, she became a housewife while my father is away. So instead she sell perfumes from abroad and was a saleswoman until now. They have tried many different businesses having only each other, the two of them. My parents worked hard to provide everything that we needed, to aim for the life they cherished for us. Our life was so simple and we are happy having each other.

When my father stopped going abroad, I was born. I wasn’t planned though, but they were happy since I was born. Even though my father passed away 4 years after. But compared to my siblings, my father get the chance to take care of me the most.

I remember how we watched the sunset, how he taught me how to ride a bike, how we stroll around before sunset, how he carries me in his back ‘til I fell asleep, how he bought me my favorite caramel popcorn, how he takes good care of me, watched me as I grow, as we grow together, happy, blissful, how simple and peaceful life can be, just with those simple things that we spent with each other, even though I can’t remember his face, even though I can’t remember everything, even though it’s just a glimpse from the past, I assure, he is a great father, a great person as anyone would say, so I will never forget him, his existence will never be forgotten, and I will cherish that 4 years we spent together forever.

My father was very strict and was very protective of us. Even my brothers were not allowed to go out, not even play basketball. Everything they do, was always guided by him. My father was also very neat at all things, and when I mean very neat, at actually all things, I really mean it. He was strictly very neat in every little thing. So ever since we lost his presence, everything was unusually not-so-organized. He taught us how simple life can be, and how simple we should live our life, blissfully. Though he may not directly taught me everything, I can feel the sincerity and purity of his intentions as he taught everything to my siblings. That’s why I want to follow his perspective in life. He lived for a reason, he did good things to others, and he have God in all his plans.

The way my parents raised and developed us is what turned me into having this perspectives now. They grew up without depending on anyone and working hard to achieve and appreciate everything they longed for. I may not turn out to be the way I should be now, yet, but I am glad for knowing and learning all this. I was happy with my family and my life.

Of course I would not forget all the struggles and sacrifices that my mother made and is still making until now. Ever since my father’s absence, she acts as a father and as a mother to us at the same time. She work for us to finish school, for us to provide everything that we need, even what we want. She never failed to be a parent to us. She cooked us meals, remind us of everything that we need, ask us and check on us about things that happens to us, is always concerned and worried about us, even though she could not have time for herself. She may act as a mother and a father, but she forgot that she also got herself. My siblings have already finished college by my mom striving hard, and I’m the only one who is left studying. I still got a long way to go compare to my siblings who are all starting to have their own life and their own family. My mom was working hard for a very long time, doing loads of stuffs in her everyday life. So I must and I want to strive hard for my mom and to aim everything that I want to achieve in life.

It’s not just my parents who made my life interesting, but also my siblings that even though they are working with their own lives now, they still never fail to guide me in life. They are the ones who is always there for me, who I can share my problems with and help me with it, who always makes me laugh, who I can have fun with, be silly with, with no worries. They are the ones who teaches me the good and the right things. The ones that makes me feel so cared and loved.

They are the ones who only thinks of what’s best for me, the ones who inspired me to keep going, my greatest strengths, and one of the many things that I should be thankful for. We may not be complete, but we fill up each other’s heart with the love we have for each other, and that is enough for us.

Of course, cheers to the people who still love me even at my worst, the Clique. They make me feel relieved, loved, needed, important, less-depressed, less-stressed, less-anxious, and less-paranoid. ” This one goes out to my closest friends the ones who makes me feel less alien, the ones who made my life a lot crazier the way it is before, the coolest people I know and I've grown to love over the past few years and the ones whom I created and will create the best memories with that's worth remembering in my entire existence” “Without them I would be the same old girl who's better off alone and would never ever talk to people.” “I'm so grateful that I have the sincerest, craziest and genuine friends that will always be there for me no matter what.” Hakuna matata, no worries for the rest of your days, our problem-free philosophy.

The current me is absent-minded, unintentionally forgetful about things (even good or important things), uncomfortable of her own skin, wasn’t paying attention in everything, too occupied or distracted (by deep, messy, random thoughts), gloomy, silly, depressed, stressed, anxious, paranoid, doubtful, unconfident, incapable, can’t even manage herself, sickly, vulnerable, abusive of her body, lazy, in disarray, perfectionist, atelophobic, anthropophobic, schizophrenic, but those characteristics won’t keep me from becoming the best version of me. I don’t know myself that much, I mean I can’t easily state everything about me. There really is nothing that special about me, but I think it’ll really take a very long time for you to get to know me. We’ll get there. So hold on. Make me reminisce the past memories, and make me do more. I’ve tried.

To be continued.

This is just an introduction. This is not the typical autobiography that you know.