In my African American studies course this week, we learned a lot about things people carry with them that they donât openly speak about, things that they supress. While I was not surprised by some of the stories resonating with me in the way they did, there were some themes I was aware of, even if the specific situations were different. One of the things that affected me most was the burden of grief, fear and expectations and how it can reside inside of someone, and over time, have a profound way of manifesting into their actions.
I have seen that happen in people I know and, letâs be real, in myself. There are certain things in my life that I never defined as âgriefâ because no one died and nothing âbadâ happened. But there were things that left a weight on me, things that never really resolved or were worked through, friendships that ended abruptly or weirdly, fights in my family that never got properly hashed out, occasions where I felt that there was no room to vocalize my feelings because it would only make things worse.Â
I never thought of any of these as anything significant, but the way that grief was described as this weight you carry with you, almost like a backpack or a shadow made me realize that I have experienced that too. More than anything, it made me realize that when we lash out at people, sometimes we are really just lashing out because we cannot put into words things that are weighing us down and we are not inherently bad people.
I have most definitely had days where I snapped at people in ways I didnât like, was short-tempered, irritable, quiet, closed-off. Most of the time it was because there was just too much going on for me and I lashed out when someone addressed it, and therefore absolved myself of the responsibility to work through something that I did not want to admit was affecting me. Seeing these characters flail at things that were far too big for them made me realize how many people there were who had emotions they couldnât name. The idea that things could end without proper a resolution also really resonated with me.Â
I have been in situations where I just kept waiting for a certain kind of closure that never came. There were times when I would punish myself for that, for feeling like something was wrong with me, for failing to close something properly. But i soon realized that no closure, no official goodbye, was all the closure I needed.
Seeing stories in which endings were not wrapped in a neat bow made me realize that that is how life is sometimes and there is no shame in it. You donât always get the chance to properly walk away, sometimes you are just left with a mess of broken bits and you have to try to figure out what to do with them. Strangely, that realization also made me feel less alone.
It took me back to times in my life where I would let little chores pile up until it was overwhelming and the shower is the only place where I have 5 minutes of quiet to think, and suddenly I feel like there are so many things I can easily take care of and I donât understand how I ever got here. It made me realize how much easier things can be when you take care of things when they are small rather than trying to outrun them. I realize this is all probably a very on-the-nose look at what I thought this week.Â
There are a lot of things that I ignore, try not to think about. How I handle stress. How I deal with things I donât want to name. How I have moved forward from things in life I never understood at the time. This made me realize that facing things, whether it is pain, responsibility, or memory is hard. But it is how we move forward.













