Bonnie Land

The Alchemy of Desire: Turning Your Passions Into Power.

Desire is the spark: Power is the fire that follows. But if you think power is something handed to you or stolen? You have missed the point. True power, is not granted...

True power is, forged. It is a creation born from your hunger, Your longing. A power born from your audacity to want more. When you learn to wield your desires, you don't just change your world. You become, unstopable.

I am not here to coddle you with safe advice or to whisper pretty platitudes. Here is the raw truth: If you are truly alive, you will want. And that wanting? That is your, divine birthright. it It is your fuel, your fire. The intensity of your desire is not something to fear.- It is, something to harness.

For too long, We have been told that, desire is dangerous. That desire makes us reckless, that it makes us selfish or weak. But I am here to tell you this.. Those who fear desire, are the one's who have never dared.. to step into their own power. They have never understood that desire is not chaos- Desire is creation.

Desire is the bridge between who you are and who you could be. It is the whisper of the universe saying, "This, is where your magic begins, where it lays." But, here is the kicker... Magic, requires intention. Power does not just happen. You.. have to choose it. You have to look at the raw, untamed wildness of your passions and decide.. "I will shape this; I will Ascend."

Close your eyes.

Picture yourself standing.. In the middle of a storm.. and the winds are howling and all around you is ... Chaos.. And there you are, calm. Commanding. That Storm? That's your desire.. And you? You are it's master.

Here is the secret.. Channel you desire and you, control the storm.

Let it control you? You will always feel lost.

So, Here is my challenge to you... Quit playing small. Quit apologizing for your hunger. For your dreams That feel too big for others to handle, and quit apologizing for your ambition to make them realized. You were not made to blend in. You were made burn. You were made to Ascend and to become something that the world has never seen before.

Take your desires.. The ones they told you to hide.. To Tame..The things they told you to fear... And turn those into weapons. Shape them into your crown. Build your empire with the very fire they tried, to extinguish.

Are you ready to stop wishing and start creating? Are you ready to turn your longing, into power, your spark into a flame that lights the whole damn world?

Because the truth? That fore is inside you, right now.. It's time to ignite.

Bonnie? What do you believe in?

Is the question people often ask me, Like I'm going to spit out something neat, and tidy that'll fit into their little understanding of the world. But that is not me, and not how I live.

My typical simplest answer I give? I am a Polytheist.

But honestly? If you want the full truth, I believe in the stars and the moon.

Not because they are poetic or pretty.

Just kidding that's my light hearted answer when either I know the person asking has a higher possibility of not understanding me. or don't have the energy to get into it, I hit them with this gem. "I believe in the Stars and the Moon."

They usually pause, waiting for me to dive into some mystical explanation about the cosmic energies or Divine lunar guidance. But..nah. I just mean it plain and simple.

The Stars and The Moon are real. The're always there. They are there every single night. Weather you are thriving or crying in your car in a Taco Bell parking lot. You can count on them. They are consistent, and honestly? That's why, I believe in them. Not because of some woo woo magic, but because when I look up, there they are.. doing their thing, like clockwork.

No drama... No judgement.. Just existing.

Okay lol But if you scratch beneath the surface of my sarcastic, funny answer there is more to it. While I do and don't believe in The Stars and The Moon in a witchy way, I do believe in consistency and cycles and they embody that perfectly.

When everything else feels shaky, I know they're there. That's comforting in a way that's almost spiritual. And while I don't worship the Stars or think The Moon is my therapist, I do feel a kind of respect for them. They are timeless , Ancient. The Stars and the Moon have been around since long before you or me; and they'll be there long after.

MY SPIRITUALITY

In a nutshell? I am a Polytheist. I believe in God.. God's, Goddesses.. in forces and enrgies bigger than us. I see divinity in the cycles of life, in the balance of nature, in the spaces where opposites meet and create something new.

But I'm not here to tell you, that I have all the answers. I don't My beliefs are not about rigid dogma or trying to fit myself into someone else's mold. They are about what feels true to m. And what feels true is this... The Divine is in everything and.. everything is connected.

I am drawn to the tangible. The real. Things like the stars and the moon that I can see, feel and know. They remind me that while life is chaotic, there is still a rhythm to it all. That even when everything feels uncertain there is something constant to hold onto.

Why This Works For Me

The stars and The Moon might seem like odd thing to belive in, but they symbolize something bigger, for me. They are my shorthand for faith in the reliable, the steady, the enduring. I don't need to complicate it with rituals or elaborate explanations. I believe because they are there. Because they have always been there. And because they do not need to prove themselves to anyone...Just like me.

We weren't even in a relationship. And yet, somehow, he got into my head, my heart, my spirit and my home. I thought I could handle it-I've survived worse, right? this time I wasn't just trying to survive him; I was trying to survive the version of me he brought out. He never landed a single punch. And yet, I was always bruised. Bruises on my body weren't enough. I was bruised by his words, his manipulation, the way he twisted everything I shared with him into weapons. I thought I was safe with him-he made me believe I could be. But what he offered wasn't safety. It was a trap disguised as comfort.

He took everything I ever told him under the pretense of "understanding me," and when it suited him, he turned those pieces of me into a sword. Every confession, every moment of hurt I'd shared in vulnerability, became a blade he welded against me. And if the words weren't enough, there was the gripping, the pushing- just enough to knock me off balance, but never enough to leave evidence he couldn't explain away

The Backslides

There were so many nights I thought I was done. I would tell myself, "This time, I'm leaving for good," and for a while, Id believe it. But then he'd come back with those same soft words:

"I'm sorry. I lost control. You make me feel things no one else does"

or worse, "You know I'm only like this because I care so much about you."

And I'd fall for it. Every. Single. Time.

But falling back wasn't just about believing him- it was about doubting myself. He had me convinced I was overreacting, that I was too sensitive, to broken to understand what "real love" looked like. How could I, I didn't grow up with love in my childhood, no one ever showed me. And so.. I'd stay or come back.

Why I stayed so long

I stayed because a part of me thought he was right. I'd grown up around worse pain and abuse; it felt familiar, almost normal

I told myself "At least he doesn't hit me."

I told myself "For someone like me this is as good as it gets."

I told myself "you've been through worse- this isn't that bad."

But the truth? Words can hit harder than fists. Manipulation can cut deeper than punches. And bruises- weather they come from his hands or his "love"- still hurt the same.

The Breaking Point

t wasn't just one moment that shattered the cycle. It was the slow, suffocating buildup of tiny realizations that chipped away at the lie I'd been living. He wasn't the kind to take any accountability. He was the type to pin all his chaos on everyone else, To me. To him, it was always my fault. My fault for standing up for myself. My fault for calling out the lies and the BS. My fault for being blunt, straight forward or trying to set boundaries. 

He made me believe that my attempts to match his energy, to hold up a mirror to his actions, were the problem- even long after I'd stopped doing it. 

The night I decided I'd had enough was when he went too far- when he put his arm around me and strangled me. 

It started like  so many other arguments, spiraling out of nothing into something chaotic and overwhelming. Like usual, I tried to walk away, to take a step back so we could both cool off and come back to it later. But that wasn't acceptable to him. In his eyes, my leaving wasn't about keeping the peace- It was an offence, a declaration that I didn't care about him or our so called "relationship" 

When I tried to leave he blocked my way. "Not this time, You don't get to walk away" he said "You never want to talk and work it out." Then he shoved me back, refusing to get out of the way and let me go. I tried to dash for it, and he pushed me back so hard I fell against the lawn mower in the Garage. 

I got up and tried to stay calm and went for the door one more time. And in a blur, his arm was around my neck in a chokehold so tight I could feel the hatred radiating off him. I don't know how long he held me like that- it felt like ages. I nearly blacked out, but he didn't let me fall and when he finally let me go I could barely breathe. I could barely speak. 

And even then he tried to make me belive  it was my fault. I didn't even realize I had bitten a chunk of his bicep until after, but to him that was the focus. I was the worst for biting him. I had pushed him to that point. 

i composed myself as best as I could for what seemed like too long and withiut saying a word I walked out and finally he didn't try to physically stop me. As I walked home he was yelling but I couldn't focus on what he was saying in the midst of  realizing I had two options. stay and meet the grim... or introduce him to the reaper.  fight or flight me is another creature herself. 

In the weeks that followed as I struggled to get my voice back I realized the truth: I was in danger. It was never my fault. No matter how he tried to twist things, his actions were his own. And no amount of love or patience on my part could ever change him.

How I finally Broke free

Leaving wasn't about finding strength- I'd always had that. It was about claiming my worth for once.

I stopped justifying; I stopped telling myself his hurt came from love. Love doesn't bruise. Love doesn't cut.

I toughed it out until I could save and safely uproot and move to a whole new state. 3 months after the strangling I finally left. even though I almost stayed.

I rebuilt my armor: I took everything he used against me- My past pain, my insecurities and turned them into strength. what once cut me now fuels me.

Reflection:

He used everything I ever gave him to destroy me. But what he didn't realize was that he couldn't take all of me. He couldn't break the part of me that refused to give up, the part of me that will always choose to fight back.