stay what you are

it’s like, did our relationship mean anything? did everything we ever did together mean anything? did he know this person while we were dating?

all I can think about is all the times I listened to them. driving in the mountains with the windows down, feeling blissful. and laying in bed looking up at the red and blue lights on the ceiling while so high I couldn’t move. I think of brian and how he isn’t here to hear the songs. and steve sitting cross legged on the floor singing his songs for brian’s memorial.

caelinn invited me to visit her in lbi this summer and I was like, honestly that may hurt me. it was our place, and thinking about him sharing it with someone else hurts. it’s okay though, I am doing really really really well. the only time I have thought of him in a way was when I quit my job last week - because it made me think that he’d be proud of me probably. he used to beg me to because it made me feel so badly all the time, until it became my literal home.