why?

Not sick enough for anyone to care.

i can feel jealousy and anger grow in my stomach, like nervous butterflies. they will explode. i will never be good enough.

i feel like a piece of shit for reconnecting with A and now almost regretting it. i felt like i needed to talk with her because it had been a long time and it was her birthday and i thought that was a good time. her youngest alter looks to me as a mother and i do care about her a lot and A has really gotten better i think. but A kind of admitted to me that the system becomes more active when I’ve been in connection because of attachment stuff and not wanting me to leave. and it feels like it was months ago when i was still talking with A that this same stuff was happening and there would be troubles within the system and although the abusive violent alters seemed to have dissipated I’m scared that more problems will start again. i don’t want to seem like I’m “i like you but without your illness” because I love A and much of the system but it stresses me beyond belief that I may start to make things worse and I don’t know how to say that. I know it’s upsetting for the youngest when I’m gone but with A getting ready for graduation and college I’m scared this will hurt the progress they’ve made. i don’t know what to do.

i have a butterfly feeling in my stomach. why am i hurt? why am i hurt? do i deserve to be hurt?

no offense but why does no one care about me no one gives a fuck about how i feel

im more depressed than I have been in so long or maybe even the most depressed I’ve ever been??? I have no joy doing anything anymore except probably dancing but I’m so physically weak and tired that I can’t do it as much as I want especially because I can Rarely use the studio. and I just. Want to die!! A lot!! I’m sadder than I’ve ever been and no cares!!! I feel like I’m losing friends and no one cares!!! I have random psychotic breakdowns during school and lmao guess what No One cares At All!!! My therapist flat out asked me why I’m still alive and I was like. Um damn well. Since everyone’s stopped caring I guess there is no reason ! :))

My therapist told me that she has a friend who knows the woman that worked in the store that day. She said it traumatized the woman. I don't doubt it but fuck it's just. Doesn't feel real

dkfgjhfdjgkdf i’m not even bad enough to get help i want my CM and mom to fuck off!!! i don’t need another fucking therapist i’m not even sick shut the FUck up

i’m telling my current therapist that i’m better and i’m working on dbt skills so that i can go back and see my old therapist. i hate being manipulative but i’m a piece of shit so :)) i’m not completely lying when i say i’m doing okay though like?? i’m not doing Better and i think about dying more but like i haven’t done anything stupid and impulsive in a pretty long time tbh