More Dignity, Less Bullshit

Well long time no see I guess. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been on this account and for good reason, too. I thought I was getting better and looking toward really combating my depression and dealing with it in the healthiest of ways. I think we all know too well that the highs are so high and beautiful and the lows are so low and just as dreadful. 2020 in general has been such a whirlwind of ups and downs for me, however, I seemed to have slowly been descending into darkness and despair, and I desperately don’t want to end up back there again. I’m sure you’ve seen the scene from SpongeBob where He ends up in Rock Bottom and he says the infamous “This isn’t your average darkness, this is, advanced darkness”.

 I know it’s odd to quote that in a serious post like this, but i believe this is the best way to describe what it’s like in my head right now and how I am feeling. I have been in this place one too many times so I know the familiarity of this space in my mind way too well for my own good. The only problem is I think I’ve unknowingly have been here way too long and it’s starting to feel comfortable again. I’m slowly starting to become more hostile and negative towards myself and how I’m carrying myself in public and private, looking at myself in the mirror is starting to become hard again. I feel tired more lately, I have no energy to do anything, and I’m starting to have more intrusive and dark thoughts than usual that aren’t fleeting. I feel like a burden again and that I feel like I constantly make excuses for the way I’m feeling when I feel like I should be better than this. I genuinely don’t want to do anything or be around anyone but loneliness is also a feeling I hate. I hate being in my own body and wish I could crawl out and just be a bodiless soul floating through life. No hopes, no dreams, nothing. Just casually floating with no where to go and nothing to bother me. 

I have sat here in this exact same spot for months tying to get a post out here on my blog and update about my mental health journey, but there hasn’t been much to say about it. I’m currently in a funk as of right now with going through my mundane routine of everyday life. I’ve been sick for about a week and being sick has made my lazy and lethargic self so much worse than usual. I feel like these past couple of months have been a set back towards progress, but that is to be expected going on with depression. Thee will be good and bad days. As of lately it just feels like more bad days than good. I’ve been missing my college classes, failing two of them, and have been really spiteful towards myself in hatred. It gets hard to look at myself in the mirror and to go through the motions of life. My thoughts are most likely going to be all over the place in this post since that is how it’s been going on in my head. 

I actually came to the realization today that I am not okay, in all honesty. As I sit here in my messy and disheveled room in the same outfit I have worn for the past four days I sit here with the answer smacking me in the face as I am not okay, whatsoever. I’m so numb to my feelings where I don’t cry much anymore and I try to take my anti-depressants, but nothing seems to work. I sadly think about suicide much more now and I haven’t had these thoughts in awhile. Nothing with plans, just the thoughts that life is just a little too hard for me, and it must be nice to just sleep for a little longer and be at peace. This is definitely like ten steps back from progress but I know i’ll get there.I have had thoughts of self harm as well, but I know it won’t help anyone, not even myself. I’m hoping for a better tomorrow and some encouragement from people I trust and value most. I just want to feel enough and to not feel so cold and sad. Here is to a better tomorrow.