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The nation behaves well if it treats the natural resources as assets which it must turn over to the next generation increased, and not impaired, in value.

Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

No one travelling on a business trip would be missed if he failed to arrive.

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. "No!" yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. "For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?" The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke.

Yo mama is just like a lawn mower: everyone gets a push.

No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit.