Procreation Station

If I hadn’t lost the pregnancy late last year.

I’m feeling surprisingly okay. I thought this day would wreck me. Instead, I’m realizing how much I have to be grateful for and surrounding myself with people who make me smile.

Well this is weird.

So this break from TTC has been incredible. I didn’t realize how badly we needed it until we finally ACTUALLY stopped trying. One month turned into two. And now I’m not sure I want to start again just yet.

As I’ve mentioned before, my husband and I are polyamorous and during this break, we decided to casually see other people. We discussed whether or not it was OK to actually form relationships and we said we’d cross that bridge when we came to it.

Well, I’ve come to it. I met this really awesome guy. We’ve been chatting for a few weeks and we recently met up and there was just an amazing spark. I talked it through with my husband and he said if I wanted to have a more serious relationship with this guy, he had no problem with it.

So now I’m worried how getting pregnant might affect that. I think after two and a half years of letting my fucking uterus rule my life and my emotions, it’s only fair my heart feels something other than the consistent shattering that happened with every BFN. Just talking to this new guy makes the stress in my life melt away. And it’s even brought my husband and I closer together.

I don’t want to get too ahead of myself with this whole thing. Who knows if it will even become anything. I just know I’d like it to. And it’s making me want to put TTC on the back burner a bit longer.

I cannot tell you how nice this month off from TTC has been. My husband and I have been taking care of ourselves, doing things that make us happy and not having OUR WHOLE WORLD revolve around my uterus.

We’ve been going on fun trips and dates. I saw The Strokes, Hozier and the Pixies at the Big Guava Music Festival in Tampa. I have plans with friends all weekend. We’ve been going on dates with other people too! Getting back into our poly lifestyle has brought us even closer (as it tends to do!).

Everything is pretty OK! I have TWO MORE WEEKS until summer vacation! I’ve signed up for this awesome monthly Geek Girl Brunch where a bunch of badass nerdy women get together, have mimosas and eggs and talk about stuff we love. June’s theme is motherfuckin’ Sherlock! I’m debating making a shirt that says Cumberbitch to wear to the restaurant.

We are also planning a trip to Baltimore and Washington DC. We’ll be filming a short documentary in Baltimore and just doing the touristy thing in DC.

My husband and I need a break! We found out I don’t need surgery, which is wonderful, but we’re still feeling like we hit a wall with trying to conceive. So we are taking a *real* break. We’re not going to have sex during my ovulation week. Instead, we’ll have actual spontaneous, fun, UNPLANNED sex whenever the hell we feel like it! I can barely remember what that feels like!

We’ve also gotten back into the poly thing, at least for a bit. We are really happiest when we’re not fully monogamous. It just works for us. We’ve already met a few really interesting people. We’ll see if any of them lead anywhere!

Other than that, I’m just working, working, working. Only three and a half weeks left in the school year and projects are piling up. Parent conferences are next week. All kinds of paperwork is due ASAP. Good times!

No polyps! No surgery needed! But man, that was horrible. Saline sonos are the fucking worst.

The doctor who did it was the same one who did my polypectomy and D&C. She remembered all of it and gave me a big hug. She couldn’t believe we were doing another one so soon but my lining was still very thick today so she agreed we should check things out (I also see the male doc sometimes and he suggested the saline). She talked me through it and made sure I was ok. I lied and said I was. lol Ugh. THE WORST.

I’m glad there’s nothing there but I’m wondering why we’re still not getting pregnant. She did say it looked like I was ovulating earlier than normal. So maybe our timing has been off. Although with the trigger shot and follicle studies, I don't see how that's possible.

I see what you ladies who are doing IVF have to go through, and I just don’t feel like I could handle it. If we get to that point, and miraculously found a way to afford it, I wonder if I could somehow find the strength to get through what seems like such a grueling, intense process. I mean, I’m just here on Clomid/Ovidrel, and I fall apart big time, after every BFN. I can’t imagine dealing with all the medications, shots, procedures and STILL possibly failing. Oy...

What a difference a day makes, though. Yesterday, while I was still PMSing, I was miserable. Like cry on your lunch break in the staff bathroom miserable. Or cry in the car all the way home miserable. I cried so hard I gave myself a horrible headache for most of the night. It was a crap day.

But now that my period is actually here, I’m fine. Yesterday, in a fit of sadness and rage, I cancelled all my birthday plans with family. Then today I called my sister back and made new plans. She’s used to my monthly breakdowns. She’s a therapist. She gets it.

My birthday is on Sunday and dammit, I’m going to enjoy myself. I don’t care what we do as long as I’m surrounded by people I love.

I tried to be happy when she got pregnant, thinking my future kid would have a cousin around the same age. Someone to grow up with. Now I’m afraid my nephew will be much older by the time it ever happens for me.

I love that little boy with all my heart. I honestly do. I feel absolutely despicable for being hurt by his mere existence. He’s just a constant reminder of the life I so desperately want. The life I almost had. That reminds me. I would’ve been...what? Seven months pregnant right now...